I Loved You More

Chapter #19

Despised Addiction

As soon as they were out in the corridor, Lily had ripped her hand violently from Sirius' grasp and dashed dramatically away without a word only to return after a minute to retrieve her broomstick, sadly ruining the effect of her initial departure.

Her teammates were rather irritated at her tardiness and Lily snapped at them reproachfully when they asked for an explanation. The practice ran very poorly because everyone's foul mood and Lily's constant rebuking threw them off.

James was furious when he arrived with an owl feather still sticking out of his hair to see them playing so badly three days before the match and, much to the team's horror, he declared that they were to stay an extra hour for more practice.

James seemed to be in an odd mood. He spoke calmly but there was a deep, ferocity behind the glossiness of his voice. He joked around and showed off flagrantly as usual yet his laugh had a sardonic ring to it that made Lily nervous.

He worked them hard and relentlessly and they were all completely exhausted by the time they gathered in the locker room at the end of the practice. James dove into a lecture about the vitality of putting in the effort to beat Slytherin. When he finished, Jamal, Andrew, Anna, and Frank began to bustle around the locker room, talking as they put away their robes, all the while pointedly ignoring Lily.

Suddenly James cleared his throat. They all turned their attention back to their captain.

"One last thing..." he said loudly, holding out his hands with a pleading manner. "Don't be too hard on Evans. The way this practice went wasn't entirely her fault. I mean, come on, she had to see her new boyfriend. Er...what was his name again, Evans?" he asked innocently, acting as though as though he had simply drawn a blank.

Lily narrowed her eyes at him, feeling the curious stares of her teammates on her face.

"Clive Pritchard," mumbled Lily bitterly.

"Ah...That's right. Clive Pritchard!" said James, locking eyes with Lily for a brief second before addressing the rest of the team again. "See? Now then, you can't hold a grudge when there's romance involved, can you?"

He smirked at Lily and winked. Then he turned and walked into the captain's office, humming to himself.

Lily glanced around tentatively. Frank was shaking his head with disappointment and Anna appeared disgusted. Andrew stared at Lily, his eyes wide with surprise and Jamal looked away and muttered, "Traitor."

She averted her eyes and slammed her locked shut before marching out of the locker room.

Lily walked mechanically to the Gryffindor Tower, only pausing to get scolded by the Head Boy for being out so late. She headed straight up the girls' staircase and entered the sanctuary of her dormitory.

Tara was already asleep but Summer lay reading drowsily by wandlight in her bed next to Lily's. Her eyes darted momentarily up to Lily.

"What's the matter?" she asked, staring back down at her book. She could always sense when Lily was distressed.

Lily dropped onto her four-poster and gazed at the ceiling.

"Is it your grades? Surely Flitwick is going to let you make up for that assignment," said Summer.

Lazily shaking her head, Lily remained silent.

"Is it Potter?"

Lily frowned at the ceiling for a moment then she turned to look at Di's empty bed.

"He and Black caught me and Clive kissing behind a tapestry," she said in monotone.

Summer threw her book aside and goggled at Lily.

"You were snogging him?" she asked in astonishment. "What, is this a regular thing now?"

"No," Lily said quickly. "It just happened today. I ran into him on the way to Quidditch practice."

"And so you thought that was as good a time as any to snog?" asked Summer wryly.

"I suppose," said Lily slowly, trying to reflect on what exactly made her do it but she couldn't seem to remember. "Anyway...Potter and Black tried to sneak through the passage behind the tapestry but-"

"You and the Slytherin were there swapping saliva," finished Summer.

Lily closed her eyes and paused.

"Don't call him 'the Slytherin'," she said firmly before continuing. "Sirius saw me and they both went mad. Well, Potter did. Sirius had to hold him back from Clive and then he grabbed Clive and told him to stay away from me. It was...weird. Almost as though he was even angrier than Potter. But then he made me leave! Can you believe that?"

"Yes! And I don't blame them! Clive is a disgusting-" began Summer.

"What? Sirius had no right to boss me around like he's my father or something. They think it's their duty to control me but what I do is really none of their business!" cried Lily indignantly.

"They're looking out for you! That bloke is creepy and you shouldn't be snogging him like some slag," Summer admonished, sitting up.

"Oh, not you too! You just don't like him because he's a Slytherin!" hissed Lily.

"It's not his house I don't like," countered Summer. "He's bad news...He manipulates people. Sirius told me that he-"

"I don't care. You don't even know him!" spat Lily.

"And you do? I know enough about him to know he's not right for you. Just look at what he's done to you already!" exclaimed Summer. "Ever since he started scowling at you, you've been at his beck and call, ignoring me and Tara to run off and see him! And lately you've been so sulky and pessimistic as if you're too cool for anything. I know he's changed that in you and that's all I need to know! It's not like you at all, Lily, and I don't see why you're suddenly changing for some guy."

Lily listened, rather shocked at what she was hearing. However, she was too angry for it to have an influence on her.

"Maybe I'm changing into something I want to be!" she retorted. "The point is I can make those decisions for myself!"

"You'd rather be a girl who's too insecure to hold her own for a guy then?" asked Summer, her eyebrows arching.

Lily glared back at her. Then she jumped out of bed and stomped across the room. "I am not insecure!" she yelled before slamming the bathroom door shut behind her.

Tara, an amazingly sound sleeper, rolled onto her side, blissfully unaware of her tense surroundings.

* * *

Lily rose early the next morning and left before Tara and Summer began to stir. When she walked into the Great Hall, Frank and Anna were sitting with Ben Rogers and Alice Philips at the Gryffindor table. Lily sat down nearby, meekly reaching for some toast. Not one of the four gave her the slightest sign of acknowledgement.

She quietly nibbled at the toast but her appetite had vanished so Lily took out her Transfiguration essay and began working on it. A few minutes passed when she heard some loud laughter and looking up, she saw the Marauders sitting down at the end of the table. They were talking noisily with Tara's brother Jason and another seventh year, Jack Spinnet, and Lily found it quite distracting. After she crossed out her fifth mistake, she shoved the essay back into her bag and slung it over her shoulder as she stood up and headed straight for the doors of the Great Hall.

"Finished eating already, have you?"

Lily didn't need to look over her shoulder to know who had spoken.

"Go away, Potter," she said curtly.

"Not a morning person, eh?" said James, taking a bite of the apple he held.

He skipped ahead and opened one of the double doors, holding it open for her. Lily shot him an icy glare before and pushed through the other door. She marched toward the marble staircase and James followed.

"I am really not in the mood to talk to you, Potter," she said. Then, after a pause she added angrily, "You just had to tell the team about Clive, didn't you? You always have to be the big shot."

"What's wrong with telling the team?" asked James, walking backwards up the stairs a step ahead of her. "I just wanted to make them understand why you were late. My intentions were purely innocent."

Lily threw him a withering look.

"Besides, why wouldn't you want people to know about you and Pritchard?" asked James with a knowing spark in his eyes. "You are dating him, right?"

"It's none of your business," replied Lily shortly, trying to move around him but he reflexively blocked her way.

"Yes...Pity I never learned the meaning of boundaries then..." He grinned, pushing a hand through his hair. "But really...why wouldn't you want the team to know? Is it because they all now think you're a house traitor?"

Lily stopped walking and stared at him. "Potter, you are the most insufferable git I've ever had the displeasure of knowing."

"...Because if you would only go out with me," he said, continuing as though he hadn't heard her. "The team wouldn't have such a problem, I reckon."

"Well, if nothing, they would lose a player because I would kill myself," retorted Lily dryly.

"...And then we would be sure to play well on Saturday against Slytherin," said James, talking over her. "So ditch Pritchard, Evans, and make everyone happy. We all know you're just trying to make me jealous."

"Just give up, Potter! Nothing you say is going to make me go out with you!"

"But he's such bloody sod!" protested James. "He doesn't even-"

"Enough! I wouldn't have met him if you hadn't been pummeling him in the first place," interrupted Lily.

Then, over James' shoulder she saw Summer and Tara round a corner and walk toward the staircase. James tracked Lily's distracted gaze and twisted around to watch them begin to descend on the far side of the staircase. They both glanced fleetingly at Lily but continued on their way to the Great Hall without a word.

Lily stared after them, forgetting that she was in the middle of an argument.

"Evans," said James quietly and Lily turned back around to face him. He wore a tentative expression and his eyes focused on her with a new gentleness. "Did you ever think that Pritchard's interested in you because I pummeled him?"

Lily pushed by him defiantly. He made a grab for her arm but she shook him off.

"Leave me alone!" she cried as she started striding swiftly away.

Two passing second-year boys stared at them.

"What are you looking at?" barked James.

Suddenly he lifted his arm and chucked his apple straight at one of the boys' head. Lily glanced back to see the boy stumble forward as the apple struck soundly, dropping his armful of books in his shock and embarrassment. Books scattered awkwardly across the landing, some tumbling down the stairs.

Lily whirled around and marched back toward the stairs, her heels pounding the stone floor with each ferocious step.

James had begun to head down the stairs toward the sea of black that was overflowing the Entrance Hall. Students were rushing in and out of the Great Hall in large groups, on their hasty way to breakfast or class. The unfortunate boy, who had been the target of James' apple, scurried around desperately trying to collect all his things before they were lost under the stampede of trampling feet.

"Here you go," Lily said kindly as she flicked her wand, making all his books form a neat pile at the boy's feet.

He picked it up and tried to smile at Lily but only managed a beet-red, grimacing expression before dashing away.

Lily shook her head and made her way down the staircase, scanning the throng for James. She spotted his tousled head moving toward the Marauders outside the doors of the Great Hall. With a set mind, Lily wove through the crowd until she stood right behind him.

"Potter!" she yelled, giving his shoulder a fierce shove.

Slowly, he turned, wearing an inquisitive look on his face.

"Who do you think you are?" Lily asked with great vehemence. "That poor kid didn't do anything! You could have hurt him!"

"What are you on about?" asked Sirius.

Lily ignored him and continued glaring furiously at James who appeared placidly interested though he remained silent.

"What is your problem?!" demanded Lily. "What makes you think you have the right to bully people around whenever it strikes your fancy?"

James shrugged.

"He was trying to listen in on our conversation," he said dully.

"We weren't having a conversation, Potter! You were harassing me. He was likely shocked that anyone could act like such an arrogant pig!" cried Lily.

"Wait..." said James, motioning for her to slow down. "Which one of us was acting like an arrogant pig? I don't know about you, but I was just trying to offer a bit of friendly advice..."

"I don't need your advice, Potter!" screamed Lily, clenching her fists and squeezing her eyes shut as fuming shot of icy venom sizzled through her body.

When she gathered enough of her composure to open them again, a blur of snooping faces formed James' backdrop. She was dizzy with anger and had a blazing urge to slap them all.

"I don't need your advice and I definitely don't need you!" she spat recklessly. "I hate you!"

James' face had been inert and nonplussed but after Lily had uttered those last three words, the motionlessness of it seemed more pronounced somehow. There was a split second of a dramatic silence, in which Lily nervously darted her eyes across the faces of the three boys beside James.

Peter's mouth hung open as he watched the dispute and Remus was staring at James attentively. Sirius appeared affronted, looking at Lily as though she had directed her speech at him instead of James. The onlookers gazed on with an uncanny stillness, as if they were all holding their breaths in suspense.

They all made Lily sick because her words had suddenly developed a grotesque flavor rather than one of satisfaction. That split second seemed so horribly prolonged; still it wasn't enough time for Lily to realize that it was herself whom she hated.

James smiled. Lily glowered darkly in return. Once again, she had failed to have any affect on him.

"You hate me?" he said, chuckling at though she had made a preposterous joke. "Well...I think you're wonderful."

Some people laughed, including Sirius, Remus and Peter but James stood, piercing his eyes into Lily's. He seemed to be waiting for something, some kind of hint in her face but Lily's glare was frozen there.

He winked at her then turned, nodding at the Marauders, and the four of them began to walk away.

"See you in Potions, Evans!" James called back cheerfully.

The group of students dispersed slowly as though confused by the sudden lighthearted twist the situation had taken.

After a moment Lily followed them. She felt vaguely lost and thoroughly humiliated. She was supposed to be the one who stalked away after delivering a persuasive lecture fueled by anger, leaving James alone with his guilt. Instead, she had watched James casually walk away with his mates as though he hadn't a care in the world. Why was she always left to do the caring? It was utterly infuriating.

If Lily had had any hope for the remainder of her day, it was abandoned as soon as she took her seat in the dungeon classroom. Summer sat next to her as always but the few words that they exchanged were about the ingredients of the potion they were instructed to make.

There was none of their usual conversation and laughter, constant though hushed underneath Professor Rynda's heavily-browed gaze. They were strictly businesslike and courteous and Lily felt miserably alone. Never had she felt so isolated by her best friend. Her determined pride was weakening and a few times throughout the class, she opened her mouth to tell Summer something but shut it each time, her mind fluctuating like a rubber band.

Things spun downward from there. The news of Lily and Clive progressed from the mouths of the Gryffindor Quidditch team to the ears to the rest of the school, displaying the Hogwarts students' gossip-spreading skills in all their glory.

They were even more brutal than when the rumors about Lily and James were ablaze. In the corridors, all her friend ignored her. It seemed as though the entire house of Gryffindor had made a pact to shun her and with the aggression between houses already fired up due to the upcoming match, she was considered nothing more than a traitor.

As difficult as it was to be so rejected, the mere prejudice of their actions enraged her and in turn, she ignored them.

At lunch, she sat with Clive, Chad, and Rab. Clive didn't speak to her much, but she felt his shadowy eyes on her as she talked intermittently with Chad and Rab.

Sometimes, she lifted her head and met his gaze, feeling that easing sense of relief...of escape set inside her. In a way, she despised the way he could do that to her. His eyes made her believe that by forgetting everything, her problems would disappear. Clive made her vulnerable enough to surrender to that feeling of release. For this, Lily resented him but she couldn't help herself: She was addicted.

Later that evening, Lily tramped back from the library laden with a heap of books. She had reconciled to the fact that without anyone to talk to, she would have a lot of time to herself, providing plenty of time to read and catch up on homework.

With the heavy books weighing her down, she had a difficult time crawling through the portrait hole. When she finally made it into the common room, her foot caught on the edge of a rug and she was flung onto the floor, her books flying across the floor.

Lily lifted her head, expecting to be overwhelmed by a loud explosion of laughter. But as she looked up at the many students lounging around at the tables, she saw that none of them were laughing. They acted as though they had not noticed her grandly ungraceful entrance. Normally, she would have joined her friends in a hearty session of uproarious hilarity at herself. The way she was now overlooked, the way she had no one with whom to share her joke, made her humiliation almost excruciating.

Slowly, she pushed herself onto her knees and gathered her books. She rose and strode directly up the girls' staircase, without glancing back.

Lily opened the door of her dormitory room, feeling exhausted and grateful to get away from everyone. However, when she looked up, she immediately saw that she wasn't alone. Three girls sat on one of the beds.

Lily stared for a moment. "Di," she breathed.