I Loved You More

Chapter #20

To Be Loved

Lily approached the four-poster where Summer, Tara, and Diana sat slowly and hesitantly. She dropped her load of books on another bed and turned to face them.

"Hi, Lily."

Di was smiling softly at her but Lily was waiting nervously for a signal from Summer. She was perched next to Di, fiddling with a hole in her sock, her blond hair hanging over her face. Tara was curled up at the foot of the bed, looking from Lily to Summer to Di.

After an awkward moment, Lily opened her mouth cautiously to say something to Di but was interrupted by Tara.

"Oh, Lily! Come here, love," she said, impatiently patting the mattress to motion for her to join them.

Lily's heart opened gratefully to the wonderful sound of the words she had been unknowingly craving to hear. Di nodded vigorously and held out her arms. Lily flew into them. Tara threw herself on top on them and then Summer, with a short, little laugh, joined the embrace. They gripped each other tightly for a time, holding onto the moment in which they were finally all together again.

When they let go, salty tears were flooding Lily's eyes and washing down her face. She was suddenly overcome with bursting happiness combined with the feeling of unexplainable pain.

She crawled onto the four-poster and the four girls huddled there closely. They didn't speak for awhile, each understanding without words.

"It's good to have you back," sighed Summer finally. Lily got the feeling she wasn't only addressing Di.

"I missed you," said Di.

"It felt like you were gone for ages," piped up Lily.

Tara gave them all another squeeze.

They didn't ask any questions. They didn't mention the funeral or the dispute between Lily and Summer or the other troubles they had been fighting in Di's absence. They simply regrouped gradually, slipping into their own perfect little universe for a brief time where these things didn't matter.

The girls lay there, entangled on the bed, talking lightly until Lily glanced at the round clock on the bedside table and was slammed back into reality with a jolt. She and Di were ten minutes late for Quidditch practice.

"Perfect," groaned Lily, sitting up with great reluctance. "I'm going to be late for practice again. Just another reason for the team to hate me even more."

"Don't even bother going, Lils. You've had enough practice," said Tara.

"No...I have to go," Lily said, sighing as she stood up. "Are you going to come, Di? Potter's counting on you to play in the match."

"He is? Does he know I haven't played Quidditch in almost two weeks?" asked Di doubtfully.

"Yes, but he still wants you to play! He knows he can't get a better Chaser," Lily answered earnestly. "Come on."

So Di went with Lily outside to the Quidditch pitch where icy rain was drizzling down upon the grounds. The team was already soaring around in the air, their robes billowing in their wake.

"Oy! It's Kendel!" shouted Frank from where he floated near a goalpost.

Jamal brought his broom around to look but saw Lily and sneered, "About time," before continuing to pass the Quaffle around with Anna, Frank, and Andrew.

Di shot a questioning look at Lily but Lily dismissed it with a shrug.

They quickly changed in the locker rooms and mounted their brooms. The team greeted Di with their usual friendliness but regarded Lily as though she was a Slytherin sneaking in on their practice.

James arrived later and was overjoyed to see Di back and ready to play. Oddly, he grinned brightly at Lily at every opportune moment and was always offering her praise throughout the practice. She tried not to dwell on it in case it was her imagination cracking at last but she couldn't help but be suspicious. Why would he treat her so nicely after such a big argument?

At the end of the practice, Lily and Di changed again and headed back up the slope in the soggy gloom to the castle.

"You look different," remarked Di suddenly.

Lily turned her head to the side to give her a puzzling look.

"...How so?"

"I don't know..." Di peered closely into Lily's face. "You just seem so different from the last time I saw you. You seem nervous about something and...and...tired. You seem so tired."

Lily looked down at her feet and thought about what Di was saying.

Was she nervous? But what had she to be nervous about? She thought back to how she was before Di left. Well, she seemed to think a lot more, yet a lot less in some ways. She was so conscious of everything, constantly waiting after anything she did for either praise or scorn. Why was she nervous about doing the wrong thing?

Now that Di had come from the outside and pointed it out, Lily realized how hard she was always working for the approval, like an actress striving for applause. And it was exhausting...especially when the boos seemed to drown out the applause, driving her offstage to hide safely behind the curtain. Apparently, acting wasn't her thing.

Summer had noticed this change in her and blamed it on Clive. Di had noticed it almost immediately. But how could she stop acting like this character that she had become? Could she even remember how to be anything else?

Lily lifted her head to gaze at the tall shadow of a castle, hazy through flaming tears. Di put an arm around her and squeezed.

"It's okay, Lily," she said, smiling slightly. "I still love you."

* * *

That night, the fifth-year girls of Gryffindor got scarcely any sleep. They lounged across two four-posters that they'd pushed together and talked intimately. They discussed classes, their professors, and boys. Then they dug deeper, revealing inner feelings that until then, had been individually their own.

They shared their secret fears and hopes and entered the tentative subject of Di's parents' death that had been looming between them. Di described her pain and even her anger toward Voldemort more openly than Lily had ever seen her be.

Di had always been the one to listen and comfort but she seemed to realize that now she was the one who needed the reassurance. It was slow to come at first but with some coaxing, she allowed her friends in to share the burden that she had carried alone for too long. She cried and they cried for her.

Lily learned more about her friends then she thought was possible after living with them for almost five years. She saw Tara's insecurities, Summer's dreams, and Di's imperfections and felt more related to them than ever before. The sun was creeping up from behind the horizon when they fell silent at last, finally all talked out. Lily watched the light spread over her three friends' faces. Her attachment to them had never been stronger and at the same time, she had never felt so liberated.

The next day, the last day before the match, Lily relished in talking and laughing with her friends once again. She realized how much like family they'd grown. They loved her no matter what mistakes she made and she didn't care if the entire world hated her, much less the house of Gryffindor, as long as this remained true.

As she ate dinner with them that evening, she glanced up and saw Clive sitting at the Slytherin table. An uneasy feeling sank into her.

She didn't deserve such friends when she was weak enough to let someone take control of her. She had thought that feeling of relief, oblivion, that possessed her whenever she was with Clive was what being in love felt like. She had given into him because he made her feel good, as though nothing mattered. But there were things that mattered, things she'd cared about before Clive had come along. She could see now what a truly pathetic person he was for not caring. Now that she had been reminded of what being loved really felt like, she knew that nothing close to that had ever existed between them. Unintentionally, she had used him to feel good about herself but to no avail.

He had used her too...For fun? For her body? For revenge? Lily found she didn't really care. He did not matter to her anymore.

She finally realized who did.

* * *

The rain generously ceased for Saturday. Lily awoke rather early, blinded by the searing sunlight after days of dank dreariness.

Her stomach was empty, feeling as though it had sprung wings and was flapping about inside of her. Anxiety about what she knew she had to do flooded her but on the other hand, she had never felt more ready.

Lily and Di walked briskly down the staircase. The common room was quiet and only occupied by a few early risers and James. He was hunched over a table, still wearing the robes he'd worn to practice the previous night with his head lying on a notebook and several diagrams of the Quidditch pitch. His hair stuck out at odd angles and his glasses had slid off his face and onto the floor at his feet.

Lily looked at him. A strong rush of tenderness took her by surprise. She felt strange, with an unexplainable willingness to protect him from anything that might disturb his sleep.

"He broke his own rule."

Di's words crashed abruptly through Lily's ears, snapping her attention away from James. "Hmm?"

"Potter. He didn't get a good night's sleep before a match like he's always telling us to do," explained Di slowly. "Er...ready to go down to breakfast?"

"Definitely. I'm famished," replied Lily quickly.

The sky sparkled without a single cloud in the ceiling of the Great Hall. Lily's veins bubbled with excitement.

"Perfect weather for a match!" said Di brightly. "You nervous?"

"No...a little. It is Slytherin," admitted Lily. "Are you?"

"With only two nights practice in weeks? I'm about to hurl," said Di, letting her oatmeal drip from her spoon and back into her bowl.

"Please don't," implored Lily complacently. "You've got nothing to worry about anyway. You're always brilliant on a broomstick...So eat."

Di grimaced and picked up a piece of toast to nibble on. "So...is the Slytherin team really as good as everyone's been saying?"

"I suppose we'll find out today...and speak of the devils themselves..." Lily drifted off as she watched the Slytherin team stride into the Great Hall. Their captain, Rab, Chad Nott, and Clive trailed at the back of the group.

"Devils?" Di raised her eyebrows. "Isn't that scary one the Clive Pritchard? The one you have a disgusting habit of snogging?"

Lily glowered at her.

"That's him but I won't be snogging him anymore."

"Why not?"

"There are loads of reasons," said Lily dismissively, narrowing her eyes as she stared at Clive slouching in his seat at the Slytherin table. "I'm going to talk to him..." Lily hesitated, "After breakfast," she finished resolutely.

"Good for you, Lil," said Di earnestly.

"Yeah. I've been...stupid lately." Lily stabbed her bacon with her knife. "About him."

"Even you are allowed to make mistakes," nodded Di understandingly.

Lily sighed. "It's just...Now I should probably say something to Potter and Black."

"Something? How about 'sorry'?" suggested Di wryly.

"Along those lines..." Lily said, tilting her head to the side and giving her poor wrinkled bacon another stab. "I just really hate it when they're right."

"Ah, cheer up. They'll let it go...eventually," consoled Di in an unconvincing tone.

Lily lifted an eyebrow at her.

"Maybe..." continued Di quietly.

"In a few million years," said Lily bitterly.

Suddenly, the Slytherin table broke into loud cheers and shouts.

"Hey, he's getting up...meaning breakfast is over," announced Di. "Time to tell him who's boss, right?"

Lily looked over the tables across the Hall as Clive began to head toward the doors with the Slytherin team.

"All right," muttered Lily, readying herself.

She and Di stood up and followed them into the Entrance Hall.

Lily felt Di give her a little encouraging push. Determinedly, she marched over to Clive who was leaving the Slytherin team as they walked toward the double doors. She didn't notice the group of people descending the marble staircase, all donning red and gold.

"Clive," Lily called to his back. "Clive!"

Slowly, he turned to see Lily approaching him.

"Hello," he said fluidly, with a dark smile on his face.

He was looking past her when he swiftly stepped closer and pushed his face against Lily's, snaking his arms around her forcefully.

Lily was too stunned to move. It took her a few seconds to realize what was happening but his kiss didn't have the same numbing effect on her.

Suddenly, she was ripped sharply away from him. Dazedly, she caught a glimpse of Clive's horrible smirk before someone much taller stepped between them.

"What did I tell you?" shouted Sirius. "Can't you follow a simple instruction? Keep your bloody hands off her!"

Whoever had yanked her away was still holding Lily's arm protectively. She didn't need to look over her shoulder to see who it was.

The Slytherin team stopped at the door to look back at who was yelling.

"She can do what she wants," said Clive lazily.

"You're not what she wants!" screamed Di, who had moved to Lily's side. Lily stared at her in shock. She had never seen Di so angry.

"It's funny how she's never the one to say that," replied Clive indolently.

James released her arm and pushed past Sirius, extracting his wand from his pocket.

"Potter!" exclaimed Lily warningly.

He turned his head and caught her gaze, his face wearing a tauntingly careless expression. At the same time, with astonishing speed, he lifted his arm and pointed his wand at Clive.

"Rotallus!"

Clive flew into the air, spinning rapidly, then he landed hard on the stone floor.

"Potter!" Lily screeched again.

Roars of anger came from the cluster of Slytherin Quidditch players. They came charging over, spells flying from their wands.

Lily ducked in time but James and Sirius stumbled. She heard a rumble of more furious footsteps and glancing up, she saw the rest of the Gryffindor team, Remus, Peter, Summer, and Tara rush over from the base of the staircase, holding out their wands.

Lily reluctantly pulled her wand out of the pocket of her robes and turned to face the Slytherins, alongside the people who mattered.