I Loved You More

First posted: August 21, 2004

Suggested music: "Don't Look Away" by Joshua Radin

Chapter Four

Incredible

"Good morning, Lily."

Lily turned around in her seat at the Gryffindor table. Remus Lupin was smiling at her as though he was still working up the guts to speak.

"Oh hello, Remus!" she said. Her voice rose; a little too cheerful, perhaps.

She wondered what had motivated Remus to approach her alone. Spotting a Marauder without at least one of his cronies at his side was a rare event. When all Remus did was sit down beside her, she concluded that maybe he simply woke up earlier than his friends.

"Your match is against Ravenclaw, eh?" Remus was saying. "They are supposed to be good now that they've got Stanley Abbott as their new Chaser. Do you think the team will be ready by Saturday?"

"We should be, the way Potter is working us," replied Lily.

She couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw Remus flinch at the name Potter.

"He has us practicing every night now since last week," Lily continued, choosing to ignore whatever she'd seen. "It's been hectic but if Ravenclaw is as good as they're rumored to be, I reckon it's all for the best."

Remus's eyes darted around the Hall. He caught sight of something that made his uneasiness grow.

"Er--see you in class, Lily," he muttered, and hurried away from the table.

Bewildered, Lily looked around. James, Sirius, and Peter were sauntering into the Great Hall. They spotted Remus as he walked away from Lily's end of the table. When they met at the center, Sirius asked Remus something Lily could not hear over the noise. Remus just shrugged.

"I have a very strange suspicion that Mr. Remus Lupin has got a little crush on you!" sang Summer, a grin appearing on her freckled face.

Lily turned back to her friends, who had witnessed the entire scene in silence, and picked up her spoon.

"Suspicion? Nothing's ever been more obvious!" laughed Tara.

Di giggled. "Except for James Potter's infatuation," she said with an unusual slyness.

"Lily the heartbreaker!" taunted Tara. "Never thought you had it in you."

Lily laughed, feeling her face grow hot. Secretly, she was thinking about how nice Remus always was. Did he really fancy her?

She glanced down the table at Remus's brown head as though it would give her an answer. Then she felt herself being watched by a pair of eyes at Remus's side. For a fleeting moment, she looked into those eyes before they quickly flitted away from hers--not quick enough. Lily had noticed the glimmer of disbelief in place of the laughter that usually inhabited those hazel eyes.

Was James wondering the same thing?

* * *

The rest of the week flashed by in a blur of classes, Quidditch practices, and homework. Lily didn't have a spare moment to think. One thing did manage to stand out from the blur. Remus had taken to bumping into Lily a lot more often than necessary. Whenever the opportunity arose, he walked her to class and offered to carry her books, while striking up some small talk.

Rumors began to fly around the school. Suddenly, Lily found herself in the social spotlight of Hogwarts. People she had never spoken to approached her to ask questions like, "Are you dating Remus Lupin?" "What about James?" "What's it like to kiss a Marauder?" "Why would you want to break up their friendship?"

They must have found it a particularly interesting bit of gossip, considering that James had made it clear long ago that he fancied Lily. Any male attention she received from other boys always ended mysteriously as soon as it began. He had seen to it that they never try to defy James Potter again. Fortunately for him, Lily never discovered why she never had a boyfriend.

But now the boy giving her the attention was another Marauder. The whole school seemed to be on the edge of their seats, watching and waiting to see what James would do. They were disappointed when James did not seem to be bothered and Remus failed to make any further moves on Lily.

When Quidditch practice ended that evening, she and Di lumbered up to the castle and collapsed into their beds. James had worked them particularly hard that night in preparation for the match the next day. Lily was overwhelmed with exhaustion. She had no trouble following her captain's strict instructions to get a good night's sleep. But when she dropped into her bed with a sigh of deep satisfaction, only a few short minutes seemed to pass before she was shaken awake by Summer.

Surely it couldn't be morning already.

She lifted her eyelids with one great effort. Her bed was bathed in bright morning sunlight. Tara had already dragged Di out of bed and was about to advance on Lily.

"Rise and shine, my little Quidditch star!"

Making a wise decision based upon experience to get up without Tara's assistance, Lily rose from the luxury of her bed and put on her Quidditch robes.

* * *

"Good morning and what a fine one it is for a Quidditch match! This should be a good one-- Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw, last year's opponents for the Cup! Gryffindor may have won that match but from what I hear, Ravenclaw has a good fighting chance now that they've recruited their new Chaser, Stanley Abbott. It will certainly be interesting to see who comes out on top."

Rye Jordan's jovial voice rang throughout the stadium. He was one of Tara's four brothers, in his sixth year, taking up his usual post as commentator.

"The teams have come out onto the field...." He was drowned out by a blast of wild cheers from the crowd, welcoming their teams. "The Ravenclaw team includes the captain and Beater, Brad Pickens; Chasers Mina St. Clair, Stacia Campbell, and Stanley Abbott; the other Beater, Rodney McNeal; Keeper Nellie Murray; aaaand Seeker Ivan Tannus!"

A blue wave of Ravenclaw supporters roared in response.

"The Gryffindor team, winner of the Quidditch Cup for four years running, includes the captain and Seeker, James Potter; Chasers, Diana Kendel, Lily Evans, and Jamal Brown; Beaters Frank Longbottom and Andrew Barry; aaaand Keeper Anna Linde!"

Another resounding jumble of cheers erupted, this time from the sea of red and gold.

"Potter and Pickens shake hands...the players mount their brooms...the Quaffle is released and the match begins! Evans immediately takes charge by grabbing the Quaffle and is now on her way toward the Ravenclaw goal posts. Does not waste time, that one! Murray follows her attempt to dodge nicely...but oh! YES! Evans shoots upward and SCORES! Very tricky! Ten points to Gryffindor! What a way to start the match!"

The Gryffindor side was applauding and screaming madly. Most of the other spectators looked disappointed, wanting Ravenclaw, the underdogs, to win.

"St. Clair has the Quaffle...she dodges a Bludger hit by Longbottom...passes to Campbell-- Evans intercepts it! She passes to Brown...Abbott approaches him and Brown throws it down to Kendel. Kendel's flying up to the goalposts, Pickens sends a Bludger her way--Oh! That was a close one! Murray blocks her so she passes to Evans who is wide open! Evans shoots...and...SCORES AGAIN!"

The stadium thundered with the passionate whooping and hollering of the Gryffindors.

"So far no sight of the Snitch. Tannus and Potter are circling the field looking for action...Abbott has possession of the Quaffle. He dodges Brown...then Kendel, close shave though--he almost lost it. He avoids a Bludger hit by Barry--He is certainly a supreme flyer! He's made it to the Keeper, swerves past her and...scores on Gryffindor! The score is now Ravenclaw, 10, Gryffindor, 20."

And so it began. The Chasers on both sides played as though fighting for the World Cup. The Quaffle shot back and forth, the scores rising higher and higher. Rye tried, frantically, to keep track.

"St. Clair scores and ties the game....Evans scores for a third time...Abbott dodges Linde and scores....Kendel scores despite that Bludger hit by McNeal! Oh no...Campbell scores....Brown passes to Evans who scores AGAIN! Gryffindor now has 50 points and Ravenclaw is down by ten. Blimey, Lily Evans is on fire today!"

It went on and on, the lead bouncing from Gryffindor to Ravenclaw and back. Ravenclaw stood their ground well at first but were soon worn down by the relentless Gryffindor Chasers, mainly Lily. She was indeed "on fire." She scored again and again until not even Jamal or Di bothered to keep up. Soon the score was Gryffindor, 240, Ravenclaw, 90, and still, there had been no sign of the Snitch. The Gryffindor supporters had screamed themselves hoarse.

Lily took the Quaffle again and passed to Jamal when Abbott came up from behind her. Then she zoomed across the pitch to the Ravenclaw goalposts as Jamal soared up and around the weary Ravenclaws. McNeal shot a Bludger rocketing toward him. Jamal quickly chucked the Quaffle back to Lily to keep from losing it. Lily caught it and turned to face Nellie, who frowned in determination. She swerved left and right but Nellie reflected her every move. Then Lily faked a veer upward but at the last second, dipped down and heaved the Quaffle through the hoop.

"Another ten points to Gryffindor..." she heard Rye say, some of the initial enthusiasm gone from his voice.

"Wow, Evans! That was brilliant!" James called down to her from where he was hovering.

Lily almost blushed as she allowed herself a smile but something caught her eye from the other side of the pitch. Ivan Tannus had suddenly gone into a dive, gaining speed by the second. Lily's eyes looked in the direction of where he was going and saw a tiny glimmer of gold near the ground.

"Potter! LOOK!" she shouted, whipping her arm in the direction of Ivan.

But she knew it was too late. James was much too far away to have a chance.

James whirled around and was off like a bullet. Lily watched as James sped faster and faster until he had actually caught up with Ivan. All of a sudden, the Snitch jerked a few more feet downward so that it was hardly a yard off the ground. Ivan pulled away to keep from crashing but James didn't hesitate. A strange silence hung in the air as the spectators gaped at him, sure that he would smash into the ground and yet unable to look away. It would be impossible for him to survive at the speed he was going....

But James had no intention of turning away. He was nearly there...Lily slammed her eyes shut in terror.

Suddenly a deafening blare of cheers broke out, mixed with amazed 'oohs!' and relieved gasps.

Lily snapped her eyes open and was astonished to see James soaring over the crowd, still very much alive. In one hand, he clasped something round and shiny. Lily didn't dare let herself believe it but when James passed over her, he winked at her and she could clearly see that the thing in his hand was, remarkably, the Snitch. He had done it.

James flew back down to the field and landed among his wildly delighted team. Lily recovered from her shock and joined them in engulfing him in an enormous group hug. Gryffindors poured into the pitch and they were soon lost inside the swarm.

When it finally died down a little, many people came to congratulate Lily, much to her surprise. Because of her spectacular performance, Gryffindor would have won even if James hadn't caught the Snitch.

Summer and Tara wove their way through the throng and embraced her, their mouths stumbling over their praises. Then Sirius, Remus, and Peter found her and Sirius lifted her up and spun her around. She laughed, too happy to remember how much she hated him. Peter shyly commended her and Remus hugged her lightly.

All of this had been wonderful, but at the end of day, when she fell back into her bed with a sigh of contentment after hours of celebrating in the common room, one small part of her thrilling day jumped to her mind, so vivid, it cast Remus's hug in grey.

Di had already gone up to the castle with the rest of the team when Lily finished changing out of her Quidditch robes in the locker room. She sat down on the bench, savoring the only few moments of peace she would have that day--she knew she could count on a rowdy party in the Gryffindor common room. Thinking she was alone, she nearly fell off the bench when she heard a door close behind her. She turned and saw James exiting the captain's office.

His face brightened into a big smile. "Oh hello, Evans!" There was no slickness behind his words. They were sincere and pure for once.

"Er--hi," she replied, wondering why she suddenly felt shy.

He walked across the room and sat down beside her. There was a rather awkward pause.

"You were incredible today," said James.

Their eyes met and he smiled again, his dimple deepening. Lily looked down at her lap. Her mind seemed to have been wiped blank.

"You really saved my ass..." he continued. "It was too close of a call. If you hadn't scored all those points, it could have ended horribly. Now that wouldn't look too good, it being my first match as captain....But, you know"--he grinned--"I got distracted."

She looked at him and laughed.

"Anyway, thanks a lot, Evans. You were the reason we won today."

"Yes, well, you weren't so bad yourself, Mr. Catch-the-Snitch-or-Face-Fatal-

Consequences," she said, regaining her voice. "I couldn't believe it till I saw it in your hand. I wasn't watching but I'm sure it was an amazing catch."

"You weren't watching?" he asked, disappointed.

"Uh...no, I wasn't," Lily admitted slowly. "I shut my eyes because I was so afraid you were going to kill yourself."

"Really?" James peered at her sideways. "I would have thought you'd move up closer to get a better view."

"Why would you think that?" asked Lily.

"Oh come on--you always ignore me and you've made it quite clear how much you hate me," he said bluntly.

"That doesn't mean I want to watch you die! Of course you know that."

"I have my doubts at times," replied James, his voice low.

Lily looked away, frowning. "Trust me--though I do get very...frustrated with you, I would never want you to die."

"That's somewhat of a consolation, I suppose," said James lightly. His eyes grew soft and wistful as he looked into her face. "It still doesn't give me much hope..."

"What do you mean?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He sighed and stood up. "Never mind." He ran a hand through his hair, his cool, offhand attitude returning. "So, what's up with you and Moony?"

Lily was so taken aback by this abrupt question that it took a little while for her to realize what he was talking about. Oddly, she felt a strange surge of anger, as though Remus being in their conversation was intruding on something very pure and delicate. She didn't want to discuss him at that moment.

"I don't know," she said shortly.

"Hmm...he hasn't talked to me about it but anyone can see that he likes you," said James. Lily could not read his tone.

A very strange, inexplicable resentment toward Remus came over her. She knew it was unreasonable but talking like this with James made her want to banish anything between herself and Remus. On the other hand, she waited anxiously to hear what James would say next, wondering vaguely why she wanted his opinion so badly.

"I think he should just ask you out and have it done with," was James's frank remark. Lily's disappointment caught her off guard. "Enough of this waiting around nonsense. Anyway, I reckon we should go up to the castle. There'll be a nice party waiting for us," he said brightly.

So they walked to the Gryffindor Tower together in silence, where they were greeted with a wild, cheering crowd that forced Butterbeers and pasties, courtesy of Sirius, into their hands. Soon, they had lost each other in the midst of the celebration.

As Lily reflected upon the awkward conversation in the locker rooms, she wondered why she couldn't get it out of her mind. It was only the second time she had seen James act somewhat decently. He had stopped being an obnoxious show-off and let her get another glimpse of a different side of him. On both occasions, it was such a brief glimpse that it made her question whether she had actually witnessed it. Maybe she had just seen what she wanted to see in him.

Lily hated the fact that she couldn't understand him. She thought she had him figured out: a popular, spoiled jock with an overdose of confidence. Then he would hit her with these quiet moments of a kind, funny, intriguing person who had this endearingly self-deprecating manner. The annoying jock would fade into the background and she would find herself consumed with what he meant by it. And, on nights like these, it kept her awake.

In the end, she always remembered the times James had been cruel and haughty and decided that they outweighed any opposing behavior. Yes, that was all there was to it. Just because he wasn't all bad, didn't mean he was good.

However, when she finally nodded off, the words, "you were incredible today," echoed in her head.