An Unusual Story

This is an unusual story. I had to start off like this, because starting any other way would simply be dishonest and not to the benefit of others. This is a story of a moment, just one moment that happened to change my life forever. I'm not even kidding. You may think to yourself, 'Geeze, this guy is off his rocker." But I am not off my rocker. I am perfectly sane. My memory has not been tainted of this event, despite all people's attempts to do so.

Who am I? Well my name is Neville Longbottom. Of this I am sure, just as I am sure about the event of that day. Some people tell me that I'm insane. That I'm "off my rocker." But I assure you I am as sane as a regularly sane person like myself. I remember it clearly, as if it was only yesterday. My memory has not been tainted of this event, despite all people's attempts to do so.

What? You say I've already said that? Well, I'm sorry. Maybe you should leave. I don't want to talk to you anyway.

You say I was going to tell you a story? I don't think I was.

Oh, I said it was an unusual story? Ah I remember that story! So, I will tell it to you.

------

I was sitting in the common room one day, minding my own business, when Ron Weasley walked in. He seemed to be mumbling about something. I chose not to bother him because he never talked to me anyway.

"I told you, Pierre, I don't want to talk to you anymore!" Ron shouted, only to convulse and shout back at himself, "But it eez muh wish tou speek to yuh!"

I looked at Ron very strangely, but he took no notice. He was too busy talking to himself (or "Pierre" as he called it).

"Pierre, you are French."

"Oui."

"Leave me alone!!!"

"Noh, noh, noh! I wheel not lheave jou ahlone!"

"AAAAH!" screamed Ron, running out of the room.

It was then it dawned on me that Ron must be a schizophrenic. Not that it mattered to me, I never talked to him anyway.

I went back to reading my Herbology book. It wasn't interesting, but I read it anyway. I didn't have much choice, since I fail at life on a regular basis. No one wants to talk to me. I suck at Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Divination, Astronomy, and walking. I even forget to breathe sometimes. That day I was glad to let the silence cave in around me, locking me up into my own little world.

Unfortunately, the silence was broken when Severus Snape walked into the room.

Okay, so I admit it. It was me that broke the silence. I just so happened to be deathly afraid of Professor Snape, and I let out a scream not unlike that of a...well... woman.

"AAAAAAH!!!!!"

"Quite down, Neville, me good lad. Would you like a hug?"

"What?"

"Would you like a hug?"

"Huh?"

"Would you like a hug?"

"Say what?"

"Would you like a hug?"

"AAAAAAH!!!!!"

"Now then, don't get your knickers in a twist, Longbottom. Sit down."

"I am sitting down," I replied, in a shocked and confused manner.

"Oh, that's right. Well, Neville, I don't suppose there's any reason for me to drag this out any longer. Neville, I am your father."

"What?"

"I'm your father."

"Huh?"

"I'm your father."

"Say what?"

"I'm your father."

"Oh... well... AAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

"This was a good talk, my son. This was a good talk." And with that he walked out of the room.

Well, while I was shivering in my chair, Harry Potter came in. Harry Potter came in and he was wearing a dress. Not just any dress, mind you, but a mini-dress. Luckily for me, his legs were shaved. And he was wearing underwear. Yeah, that was a big upside.

"Neville, dahhhhling!" trilled Harry, running over to me.

"Errrm, hello Harry."

"How do you think I look?"

"Like a female Harry."

"Wonderful, dahhhhhling! Did I hear Severus down here?"

"Yes, he told me he was my father."

"OH WONDERFUL!"

"Not really."

"Oh well. I'm glad he's not my father, since he's my LOVER!"

"Your WHAT?"

"Lover, silly! Why do you think he gives me so many of those darn detentions?"

"Because... you act like an arse?"

"Hells no! It's because he loves me!" Harry squealed.

"I don't know if that's true," I countered. "He's always acted as if he hates you."

"You don't see the lust under his anger?"

"N-n-no, I can't say that I d-d-do."

"Well it's there!" said a voice and in walks Severus again. Running over to Harry, he crashed his lips down on Harry's.

They stood there snogging for a moment before I coughed noticeably loud. They didn't stop. I coughed louder. They still didn't stop. I coughed the loudest, most horrific, and miserable cough you will ever hear a person cough. It sounded like I was barfing up potato chip while trying to scream.

It was then I fell unconscious, for I had been choking on a Chocolate Frog the entire kiss.

About thirty minutes later, the hunk of Chocolate Frog had fallen out during my unconscious, non-breathing state. Doctors today would say I suffered from extreme brain damage, but I disagree. I think that my hands becoming paralyzed came from the shock of that day, not from being unconscious and without oxygen for thirty minutes.

When I awoke, Harry and Snape were still snogging to beat the band, and Draco Malfoy was standing in a corner, crying.

I didn't approach him, because he hated my guts. However, at that moment, Draco came over to me and sat on my lap. "Errmmm, D-D-Draco... What are you d-d-doing?"

"Snuggling," was his simple reply.

"W-w-why?"

"I like you bunches Neville. Be my bestest friend forever and ever and ever?"

It was then I got it. Draco Malfoy's mind had been reduced to that of an eight-year-old girl. It was a pity. Oh well, at least I was smarter than him now. "Sure, Draco..."

"GOODIE!" he shrieked. He then jumped off my lap and ran to get something. Several moments later he returned with what looked to be a tea party set...and a pair of handcuffs.

Draco then proceeded to handcuff us together and swallow the key. Luckily, the hand cuffs were made of plastic, so I could've escaped at any time.

For the next hour, Draco and I proceeded to have a tea party. It was actually quite fun, excepting the fact that the tea was cold...and made of lake water. I didn't drink anymore after my first sip. Draco, however, drank the whole pot. After doing so, he began to look quite green.

"Draco, are you feeling okay?" I asked, I didn't feel any real concern. The only emotions I could feel were nervousness and embarrassment.

"I don't feel so good best friend," he groaned. "I need to take nap." He fell to the floor and began snoring.

'Well, that's odd...' I thought, my thoughts were interrupted by Ron screaming at himself again.

"I don't want to make out with you, Pierre!"

"Why nout?"

"Because you're French!"

"Sooo?"

"The French are disgusting!"

"Oui! Now keeessss meh!"

"No! No one wants to see anyone else snogging!"

"They eees snawgging!" said "Pierre", pointing at Harry and Snape who were, yes, still snogging even after this ninety-five minute period.

"AUGH!" said Ron, who had given in, and was now trying to make out with himself.

Neville looked around, confused. The things you could miss while having a simple tea party.

Suddenly, Hermione Granger flew into the room. Yes, flew. No, she was not on a broom either.

"I AM KNOWLEDGE GIRL!" she shouted. "SOMEONE NEEDS HELP!"

I looked at her. Ron/Pierre looked at her. Harry and Snape even stopped snogging to look at her. Everyone looked at her except for Malfoy, who was snoring peacefully on the floor. She was wearing a skin-tight brown spandex suit. She looked hot.

"No..." Harry said, looking around. "Gurl, I think everyone is fine."

"YOU NEED KNOWLEDGE!" Hermione shouted. She then reached into her pocket and (surprisingly enough) pulled out a large volume of Encyclopedia Britannica, which she threw at Ron.

"Ouch!" said Ron/Pierre, whom the book had hit in the head. He grabbed his skull, which was now bleeding profusely. Needless to say, he died of blood loss just a few minutes later, but that was after "Knowledge Girl" had flown out the window.

"Goodness," said Neville, getting up out of his chair. "Now this has been an eventful day. But now, I'm going to bed."

"NOT SO FAST!" a sinister voice yelled. I swiveled around only to see Lord Voldemort. Needless to say, I shit my knickers.

Standing beside Voldemort, I noticed after regaining control of my bodily functions, was Tom Riddle. "AAAAHHH!" I shouted, yes, it was the sissy girl scream.

"Calm down," said Tom Riddle.

"How are both of you here at the same time?" asked Severus, he always was a smart cookie, even if he did make me scream like a wuss.

"Time Turner," Riddle replied simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Ah, yes," replied Snape. "That is rather obvious."

"I know it's obvious," laughed Voldemort.

"Who didn't know it was obvious?" asked Harry.

"Even I knew it was obvious," chuckled Ron, who had just been dead a minute ago.

"Shut up Ron, go back to being dead," snapped Voldemort.

"Oh, alright..." sighed Ron, who was dead again a few seconds later.

"So, why did you two reunite?" questioned Harry.

"Well, we're in love with the dominating type, but we're both dominating types. And we knew this, so, we got together," stated Tom Riddle. He and Voldemort both giggled at this.

"Oh," replied Harry.

"Oh, and to kill you," replied Voldemort and Tom Riddle at the same time.

"Shit."

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" they both shouted. So Harry was doubly killed. Then they laughed and vanished into thin air.

"That was odd," I said simply to Snape, who was indeed my father and the last person in the room.

He unfortunately didn't hear me, because he was mourning over the death of Harry Potter.

"Gosh," I said. "I guess you really loved him."

"No, not really," replied Snape. "He was a good shag though."

"Oh... EW! I really didn't need to know that!"

"Sorry," replied Snape. "Well, I'm going to go get in a threesome with Hagrid and Flitwick."

"WHAT!?"

"Oh, you didn't know? Yes, Hagrid and Flitwick are an item now."

"EWW!"

"Oh well," said Snape, walking out.

I sat down to read some more. I had read for about twenty-three minutes, when Draco's stomach burst and tiny baby squids popped out.

"What do you know!" laughed Draco before dying. "I'm a Mommy!"

"Oh, wow," I replied. "I guess the squid lays parasitic eggs in the lake. Oh, you're not listening anymore, because you just died."

I sat there for a few moments, when Trevor hopped onto my lap. "Hey, Neville," he said simply.

"OH, MY GOD! TREVOR THAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING EVER! YOU JUST TALKED. MY LIFE WILL BE CHANGED FROM THIS MOMENT ON! WHAT AN UNUSUAL THING YOU JUST DID. I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS AS LONG AS I LIVE! NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE ME, BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET! THEY'LL THINK I'M CRAZY WHEN I TELL THEM THIS!" And at that moment, my hands would never move again.

------

So, as you can see, Trevor talking was a life-changing experience. I know you don't believe that he can talk. No one ever does. However, that's what happened.

The events leading up to that rapturous moment when Trevor opened his mouth and spoke? They were odd, sure, but not momentous.

You really think I am crazy? What for?

For not taking into account the other events of the day as being odd? Sure, they were weird, but not life-changing.

Don't bother talking anymore. I'm not listening. I'm just attempting to turn a page in my book with my permanently paralyzed hands.