Harry Potter

Act One
Scene 1
A forest. There is smoke and music as a mysterious hooded figure enters

Mysterious hooded figure

Oh, long have I travelled and far have I yet to go! I am footsore and hungry. It has been many days since I last ate and there's never a McDonald's around when you want one. I just wish I knew where I was. (Gets out A-Z and studies it.) I have to get to Hogsmeade immediately for Voldemort has returned and plans to use it as his base from where he will take over the world! Though not if I can help it, or my name's not... (Throws back his hood, cue fanfare.) Harry Potter! (Studies map again.) I think it's this way...

Harry exits

Scene 2
Hogsmeade village. Ron and Hermione are playing Exploding Snap with some villagers.

Ron	Snap!
All	You win again!
Hermione	I swear your luck is unnatural, Ron.
She gets up and pulls off his cloak, several cards fall out of it.
All	(with a gasp) Ron!
Ron	Oops.
Hermione	(with hands on hips) Ron, really. Cheating?
Ron	I was just having a laugh, you know, I wasn't really cheating. I'm not a Slytherin!
Villager 1	Talking of Slytherins, there's someone suspicious skulking in those bushes over there. (Points to bushes which are shaking in a rather strange manner.)
Hermione	Come on, Ron, let's check it out. Wands at the ready! (waves wand at the bushes) Autumnis!
The leaves fall off the bushes revealing a crouching figure behind them
Hermione & Ron	Professor Snape!
Snape	Eh? What? (sees Hermione and Ron) Oh, hello, I was looking for you.
Ron	In the bushes?
Snape	I didn't want anyone to see me.
Hermione	What are you doing here anyway?
Snape	I've come to warn you that You Know Who has returned and is here in the village!
Villager 1	You Know Who?!
Villager 2	Here in the village?!
They look at each other, scream and run offstage.
Ron	You Know Who? Here in the village?
He starts to run but Hermione grabs hold of his collar.
Hermione	Oh no, you don't.
Ron	How do we know he's telling the truth? And why's he telling us this anyway?
Hermione	Ron, he's on our side, you know that. Look, it says so here. (Gets out copy of Order of the Phoenix and shows Ron the relevant page.)
Ron	Ohhh, so he's a spy for us!
Hermione	Exactly! Now, Professor Snape, you were saying something about You Know Who being here in the village?
Snape	Well, technically he's not in the village -
Ron	See, I knew we couldn't trust him.
Snape	- he's in the castle which is on the edge of the village.
Hermione & Ron	What castle?
Snape	(points offstage) That castle.
Hermione & Ron	(looking offstage) Oh, that castle!
Ron	It's big!
Hermione	It's huge!
Ron	It's enormous!
Hermione	It wasn't there this morning.
Snape	Well what do you expect, it wasn't built by Barrett's now, was it?
Ron	There goes the neighbourhood. And Hogsmeade used to be such a nice place to live.
Hermione	It's all gone wrong since Harry went missing.
Snape	There's no news of him?
Hermione	None whatsoever. He could be dead for all we know.
Snape	Oh, I'm sure he's not.
Hermione	But he said he'd come back, no matter what!
Song - Hermione - No Matter What from Whistle Down the Wind
Hermione	No matter what they tell us No matter what they do No matter what they teach us What we believe is true No matter what they call us However they attack No matter where they take us We'll find our own way back I can't deny what I believe I can't be what I'm not I know I'll love forever I know, no matter what If only tears were laughter If only night was day If only prayers were answered Then we would hear God say No matter what they tell you No matter what they do No matter what they teach you What you believe is true And I will keep you safe and strong And sheltered from the storm No matter where it's barren A dream is being born No matter who they follow No matter where they lead No matter how they judge us I'll be everyone you need No matter if the sun don't shine Or if the skies are blue No matter what the end is My life began with you I can't deny what I believe I can't be what I'm not I know, I know I know this love's forever That's all that matters now No matter what

Scene 3
In the throne room of the castle. The throne is at one side of the stage, Draco is sat on it staring into space. Crabbe and Goyle peer out of the flats at the back.

Crabbe	There he is!
Goyle	Hello Draco!
Draco	(jumps) Do you mind? I'm on the throne!
Crabbe	What are you doing?
Draco	Nothing. I'm bored. There's nothing to do here. I almost miss having Gryffindors to annoy.
Goyle	I know! Let's play Voldemort and Lucius! You can be Voldemort and we'll be Lucius!
Draco	I know I'm going to regret asking this but it takes two of you to be my father?
Crabbe	Well, we do everything together!
Song - Crabbe & Goyle - Me And My Shadow
Crabbe	Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall
Goyle	Like the seashore clings to the sea
Crabbe	Like you'll never get rid of your shadow
Goyle	You'll never get rid of me
Both	Let all the others fight and fuss Whatever happens, we've got us.
Goyle	Me and my shadow
Crabbe	We're closer than pages that stick in a book We're closer than ripples that play in a brook
Goyle	Strolling down the avenue
Crabbe	Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look Closer than a miser or the bloodhounds to Liza Me and my shadow
Goyle	We're closer than smog when it clings to L.A. We're closer than Bobby is to J.F.K.
Both	Not a soul can bust this team in two We stick together like glue
Crabbe	And when it's sleeping time
Goyle	That's when we rise
Crabbe	We start to swing
Goyle	Swing to the skies
Crabbe	Our clocks don't chime
Goyle	What a surprise
Crabbe	They ring-a-ding-ding!
Both	Happy New Year!
Goyle	Me and my shadow
Crabbe	And now to repeat what I said at the start They'll need a large crowbar to break us apart
Both	We're alone but far from blue Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar We'll make all the late spots, and then a few more We'll wind up at Jilly's right after Toot's Shore Life is gonna be we-wow-whee! For my shadow and me!
Goyle	Say Crabbe?
Crabbe	What is it, Goyle?
Goyle	Do me a favour?
Crabbe	What do you want now?
Goyle	Would you mind taking it, just one more time?
Crabbe	From the top?
Goyle	No! From the ending!
Crabbe	Wonderful!
Both	And while we are swinging, to mention a few We'll drop in at Danny's, The Little Club too But wind up at Jilly's, whatever we do Life is gonna be we-wow-whee! For my shadow and me!
Goyle	Crabbe?
Crabbe	Oh, forget it, Goyle.
Goyle	So, are we going to play?
Draco	Okay, I'll go out and come back in as Voldemort. (He leaves, then sticks his head back round from the wings.) What's my motivation here? Oh no, it's okay, I've got it, mean and evil, right.
He leaves again. Crabbe and Goyle pretend to be cleaning the throne. Draco comes back.
Draco	(in a funny voice) Lord Voldemort appears, waits for audience applause, gets none. Strikes defiant Napolean pose but trousers fall down and ruin effect.
Crabbe & Goyle	Lord Voldemort! (They prostrate themselves on the floor in front of Draco.)
Draco	(sitting on throne, still using funny voice) You may rise.
Crabbe & Goyle	What do you want to do tonight, my lovely - I mean, my Lord?
Draco	(in funny voice) The same thing we do every night, Lucius you silly boy, try and take over the world! (They all laugh hysterically.)
There's a sudden clap of thunder, the lights dim and when they come back up, Voldemort is standing opposite them dressed in a black cloak that reaches the floor and a black Darth Vader style helmet. Crabbe and Goyle scream and cling to each other
Voldemort	(says something but it's muffled by the helmet.)
Draco	What?
Voldemort	(tries again but it's still muffled)
Crabbe	Eh?
Voldemort	(raises his voice so it's louder but still muffled)
Goyle	Come again?
Voldemort	(pulls helmet off) You're in my chair! (He has a high pitched voice and a lisp similar to the funny voice Draco was putting on.)
Draco	Oh right. Sorry. (Voldemort glares at him) Oh, sorry, my Lord.
Voldemort starts to cross stage but he's on rollerblades and can't skate very well so he ends up clinging on to the flats at the back in an attempt to stay upright.
Voldemort	Lucius!
Lucius appears from the wings
Lucius	You screamed, my Lord?
Voldemort	I want to get to my throne! (He stamps his foot, nearly falls flat on the floor. Lucius runs across to catch him and the boys snigger.)
Lucius	Very well, my Lord. (He helps Voldemort across to his throne.) Will there be anything else?
Voldemort	Yes, take these boots off. They're broken. (Lucius does so.)
Lucius	So, my Lord, what do you want to do tonight?
Voldemort	The same thing we do every night, Lucius, try and take over the world!
He stands dramatically but he's only short and Lucius towers over him. He stands on the throne instead. The boys laugh and Lucius chases them off stage.

Scene 4
In Hogsmeade. Ron, Hermione and Snape are discussing Voldemort and the castle. Harry enters. He has the hood of his cloak over his head.

Harry	Hogsmeade, at last! I'm so glad, I didn't think I could have walked another step. (Lifts up foot to show that the sole on his shoe is completely worn through.)
Hermione	(noticing him looking around) Are you all right?
Harry	Yes, thanks. Wait a minute - Hermione?
Hermione	That's right. Who are you?
Harry	It's me, Harry.
Hermione	Harry?
Harry	(Throws back hood) Harry Potter!
There's a fanfare, they both look around to see where it came from.
Ron	What's going on?
Hermione	It's Harry!
Ron	Harry?
Harry	Yes, it's me!
Ron	So it is! (Pause.) And you are?
Harry	Harry! (Ron looks blank.) Harry Potter!
There's another fanfare, they all look around to see where it came from.
Snape	Am I missing something?
Ron	It's Harry!
Harry	(quickly) I think that's quite enough of that for now.
Snape	Indeed. Well, I really must get back to the castle before my absence is noticed.
Snape exits.
Harry	Castle?
Hermione	It's a long story.
Ron	You Know Who has built a castle and is right here in Hogsmeade!
Hermione	Apparently not that long.
Harry	Well, I'm starving, let's go get something to eat and you can tell me all about it. Don't suppose there's a McDonald's here?
Ron	McDonald's?
Hermione	In Hogsmeade?
Ron	It's just round the corner, next to Starbucks.
Harry	They get everywhere, don't they?
They start to exit.
Hermione	So where have you been all this time?
Harry	I was sent to a dreadful soulless place from which there was no escape.
Ron	Was it hell?
Harry	Close, it was Swindon.
They exit.

Scene 5
In the castle. Crabbe, Goyle and Draco are taking it in turns to enchant a villager for Voldemort's amusement.

There's a flash of light and a scream. The lights come up on Lucius and Voldemort.

Voldemort	Make him dance!
Draco	Tarantallegra! (Villager dances madly, Voldemort claps in delight.)
Voldemort	Make him sing!
Crabbe	Pavarottius! (Villager sings very badly, Voldemort claps his hands over his ears.)
Voldemort	Make him stop!
Crabbe	Finite Incantatum!
Villager	You'll be sorry!
Voldemort	Sorry? Why would we be sorry? It's too much fun being bad.
Song - Draco, Crabbe & Goyle - Bad Guys from Bugsy Malone
	We could've been anything we wanted to be But don't it make your heart glad That we decided, a fact we take pride in We became the best at being bad We could've been anything we wanted to be With all the talent we had No doubt about it, we whine and we pout it We're the very best at being bad guys We're rotten to the core And my congratulations no one likes you any more Bad guys, we're the very worst Each of us contemptible, we're criticised and cursed We made the big time, malicious and mad We're the very best at being bad We could've been anything we wanted to be We took the easy way out With little training, we mastered complaining Manners seemed unnecessary We're so rude, it's almost scary We could've been anything that we wanted to be With all the talent we had With little practice, we made every black list We're the very best at being bad We're the very best at being bad We're the very best at being bad
Villager	You'll never get away with this now that Harry's back in Hogsmeade!
Voldemort	Ooh, I'm scared, I'm shaking in my boots! (Pause.) Who did you say?
Villager	Harry!
Voldemort	Harry?
Villager	Harry Potter!
There's a fanfare, they all look round to see where it came from.
Voldemort	Okay, now I really am scared.
Lucius runs on, Snape follows sedately behind.
Lucius	My Lord! I have news!
Voldemort	What is it?
Lucius	Harry Potter - (There's a fanfare, they all look round to see where it came from.) erm, Potter has returned to Hogsmeade.
Voldemort	Yes, we know already. Where do you get your information, Lucuis, the Daily Mirror?
Lucius	Oh. News travels fast round here.
Voldemort	Harry P - The Boy Who Lived will try to scupper my plans to take over the world. He must be stopped!
Draco	Scupper your plans? Who talks like that? Honestly.
Voldemort	We need to get him out of the way.
Snape	This doesn't sound good, I'd best go and warn Harry!
Snape exits.
Lucius	How do you suggest we capture him, my Lord?
Draco	Ask him very nicely to come to the castle and when he gets here jump on him and tie him up?
Lucius	Stupid boy!
Voldemort	Yes, get him to come to the castle!
Lucius	Clever boy!
Draco	Bagsy jumping on him and tying him up.
Voldemort	How to get him to come to the castle though?
They pace around the floor, thinking.
Lucius	We could invite him for tea!
Voldemort	Too easy.
They pace again.
Lucius	Challenge him to a duel?
Voldemort	Too boring.
Lucius	I know! We hold the world hostage by means of a laser located on the moon by which we can easily target important locations on Earth unless they give us Harry Potter!
There's a fanfare, they all look around to see where it came from.
Voldemort	Stop doing that!
Draco	Who'd come up with a plan like that?
Voldemort	Too complicated. And farfetched.
Draco	Look, all you need to do is make Potter think that there's someone here who needs his help. He won't be able to resist coming to rescue them.
Voldemort	Now that's a good plan!
Draco	Actually, make it a girl.
Voldemort	Even better! (Looks at Draco approvingly.)
Draco	And a blonde! Men can't resist rescuing helpless blondes. Or so I've heard.
Voldemort	Perfect!
Lucius and Voldemort are now stood on either side of Draco.
Draco	But where to get a beautiful blonde to kidnap?
Lucius	Where indeed?
Draco looks from Lucius to Voldemort and back again.
Draco	Hey, wait a minute, you're not thinking of using me!
Voldemort	A beautiful blonde, you said it yourself.
Draco	Girl! A beautiful blonde girl! I'm not a girl.
Lucius	You're listed as the Principle Girl in the script.
Draco	What? Let me see that!
Lucius takes out a copy of the script and shows it to Draco.
Draco	I seriously need to have a word with my agent.
Lucius	It's panto! The Principle Boy is played by a girl who falls in love with a girl and the Dame is played by a man who falls in love with a man.
Draco	It's stupid.
Lucius	It's tradition.
Draco	It's worse than Shakespeare. I won't do it! Just give me a pair of leather trousers and I'll have him eating out of my hand in no time.
Voldemort	You don't have any choice! (Gets out wand. The lights dim, coloured lights flash, smoke drifts across the stage.)
	From slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails To sugar and spice and all things nice From slippery snake to pretty as a pearl Make this Slytherin into a girl!
Draco	Look at me! I'm not wearing this! Song - Draco & Dressers - Rainbow High from Evita
Dressers	Eyes, hair, mouth, figure Dress, voice, style, movement Hands, magic, rings, glamour Face, diamonds, excitement, image
Draco	I came from the people, they need to adore me So Christian Dior me from my head to my toes I need to be dazzling, I want to be Rainbow High They must have excitement, and so must I
Dressers	Eyes, hair, mouth, figure Dress, voice, style, image
Draco	I'm their product, it's vital you sell me So Machiavell me, make an Argentine Rose I need to be thrilling, I want to be Rainbow High They need their escape, and so do I
Dressers	Eyes, hair, mouth, figure Dress, voice, style, movement Hands, magic, rings, glamour Face, diamonds, excitement, image
Draco	All my descamisados expect me to outshine the enemy I won't disappoint them I'm their savior, that's what they call me So Lauren Bacall me, anything goes To make me fantastic, I have to be Rainbow High In magical colors You're not decorating a girl for a night on the town And I'm not a second-rate queen getting kicks with a crown Next stop will be Europe This Malfoy's gonna tour, dressed up, somewhere to go We'll put on a show Look out, Harry Potter Because you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me Just a little touch of Just a little touch of Draco Malfoy's brand of star quality

Scene 6
Hogsmeade. Harry, Ron and Hermione enter carrying McDonald's Happy Meal boxes and drinks.

Ron	It's not fair, I wanted Mufasa.
Hermione	I'll swop you my Zasu for your Timon if you like.
Ron	(sulkily) Okay.
(Snape appears in the bushes)
Snape	Psst!
Ron	A talking bush!
Snape	It is I, Professor Snape! Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
Harry	Go on.
Snape	I have come to warn you, Harry, Voldemort knows you are here in the village and is making plans to get rid of you!
Ron sucks loudly at the last of his drink, drowning out Snape's words.
Harry	Could you say that only twice?
Snape	Voldemort knows that you are here and plans to get rid of you!
Ron sucks on his drink again.
Harry	Third time lucky?
Hermione	Ron! (She takes the drink off him.)
Ron	Hey!
Snape	(through gritted teeth) Voldemort knows you're here and wants you out!
Ron & Hermione	Oh no!
Harry	What is he going to do?
Snape	I don't know, I didn't stick round long enough to find out.
Hermione	You'd best be on your guard, Harry, trust no one!
Crabbe and Goyle enter wearing false moustaches.
Crabbe & Goyle	Hello fellow villagers!
All	Hello!
Crabbe	Have you heard the news?
All	No, what news?
Goyle	Volde - (Crabbe elbows him in the ribs) I mean, You Know Who has kidnapped a girl and he's holding her in the castle!
Harry	That's awful!
Hermione	That's too bad. (Shakes her head at Harry)
Crabbe	She's a beautiful blonde.
Harry	That's dreadful!
Hermione	That's a shame. (Shakes her head at Harry again)
Goyle	She's a Gryffindor.
Hermione	That's rather convinient.
Ron	She must be rescued! I mean, surely it can't hurt to go and check.
Harry	But how am I going to get into the castle?
Crabbe	There's a party tonight, you could always sneak in pretending to be guests.
Ron	Ooh, a party! I love a party!
Hermione	So we'll go to the party disguised as guests, excellent idea!
Harry	Thanks for all your help.
Crabbe & Goyle	Our pleasure! (They exit.)
Harry	Well, they were rather well informed for strangers.
Hermione	We have a party to go to. We'd best go and get ready.
Ron	So we can party all night long!
Song - Harry, Ron, Hermione & Dancers - Rock Around the Clock
	One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock, Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock, Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock, We're gonna rock around the clock tonight. Put your glad rags on and join me, hon, We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one, We're gonna rock around the clock tonight, We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight. We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight. When the clock strikes two, three and four, If the band slows down we'll yell for more, We're gonna rock around the clock tonight, We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight. We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight. When the chimes ring five, six and seven, We'll be right in seventh heaven. We're gonna rock around the clock tonight, We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight. We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight. When it's eight, nine, ten, eleven too, I'll be goin' strong and so will you. We're gonna rock around the clock tonight, We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight. We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight. When the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then, Start a rockin' round the clock again. We're gonna rock around the clock tonight, We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight. We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.

Act Two
Scene 1
In the castle. Preperations are being made for the party.

Song - Crabbe, Goyle & Dancers - Come On Over To My Place
	Little girl, you look so lonesome I see you all feeling blue Ain't no use in staying at home I know what you should do Come on over to my place Hey girl, we're having a party We'll be swinging, dancing and singing Baby, come on over tonight Now, you don't need the address to find out where we'll be Cause you can't help but hearing the music halfway down the street So baby, come on over to my place Come on, we're having a party We'll be swinging, dancing and singing Baby, come on over tonight When we get tired of dancing and things start getting slow That's the real best part of the evening, to turn the lights down low So baby, baby, come on over to my place Hey girl, we're having a party We'll be swinging, dancing and singing Baby, come on over tonight
Lucius enters
Lucius	Oh, I do love a good party.
Crabbe	Look at us!
Goyle	Don't we look smart?
Lucius	Yes, yes, very nice. Now is everything ready?
Crabbe	Oh yes. We washed the windows, waxed the floor and polished the furniture.
Goyle	Or was that wax the windows, polish the floor and water the furniture?
Lucius	I'm surrounded by fools!
Voldemort enters, can't stop, glides straight across the stage to the other side where there's a huge crash
Lucius	My Lord! Are you all right?
Voldemort staggers back on
Voldemort	I think so.
Lucius	Perhaps the rollerskates were not such a good idea.
Voldemort	But I'm not wearing any.
Crabbe	We definitely polished the floor.
Lucius helps Voldemort to the throne at the back
Goyle	The guests are starting to arrive!
Voldemort	Let the festivities commence!
Guests arrive, DJ is wheeled on, disco lights flash.
DJ	Let's party!
Dance - I'm Too Sexy.
People dance, Lucius joins in and manages to clear the dancefloor. Harry, Ron and Hermione sneak on at the end wearing false moustaches.
Voldemort	Ladies and Gentlemen! (No one can see him, they all look around to see who's speaking so he has to stand on the throne) Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for coming, it's very nice to see you. (Polite applause) The reason I invited you here is to introduce to you my special guest, the very lovely Draco - - nie!
Draco enters on the arm of Snape. It's very obviously Draco in a posh dress. Crabbe and Goyle take up position on either side of him.
Harry	That's one beautiful blonde.
Ron	Indeed.
Hermione	There's something strange about her.
Harry & Ron	Like what?
Hermione	I'm not so sure she's a Gryffindor.
Voldemort	I'm delighted to be able to announce that this afternoon I asked Draco - nie to be my bride and she accepted!
Harry, Ron & Draco	What?!
Draco	I never agreed to that! I'll never marry you! I'd rather marry... Harry Potter! (There's a fanfare, everyone looks around to see where it's coming from.)
Harry	I think I'm in love.
Ron	Damnit, when will I get the girl?
Harry	We have to save her.
Ron	Yes, you go off and be the hero again.
Hermione	How are you going to do that? She's too well guarded for one thing.
Voldemort	In honour of my wedding tomorrow night, there will be a spell contest here in the castle grounds.
Draco	Oh won't someone save me from this horror? (Crabbe and Goyle drag him off.)
Ron	That's it! Harry, you can enter the contest!
Hermione	Well, I hardly think Harry's the best person to win a spell contest.
Ron	Okay, so you enter disguised as Harry.
Harry	Don't you think they'll be looking for me?
Ron	Good point. So Hermione will be disguised as you in disguise!
Lucius comes over.
Lucius	You look rather familiar, do I know you?
Harry	No.
Hermione	We're guests!
Snape	Is there a problem, Lucius?
Lucius	These guests, do they look familiar to you?
Snape	Don't you know who they are?
Lucius	Should I?
Snape	Should you?
Lucius	Well, yes, I should know who they are.
Snape	There you go then.
Lucius looks bemused and wanders off trying to figure it out.
Harry	Thanks Snape, let's go while we're safe!
Harry, Ron, Snape and Hermione exit.

Scene 2
Hogsmeade. Harry and Ron wander on and stand talking to one side. Hermione and Snape follow them on and come to front of stage.

Hermione	Thank you for saving us, it was a great trick you pulled on Lucius.
Snape	Oh, it was nothing.
Hermione	You're so modest.
Snape	No, really, it was nothing. Lucius gets confused trying to put his shoes on the right feet.
Harry and Ron leave.
Hermione	I don't know what we'd have done without you.
Song - Hermione & Snape - To Sir With Love
	The time has come For closing books, and long last looks must end And as I leave I know that I am leaving my best friend A friend who taught me right from wrong And weak from strong That's a lot to learn What, what can I give you in return? If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start But I, would rather let me give my heart To sir, with love Those schoolgirl days Of telling tales and biting nails are gone, yeah But in my mind I know that they live on and on and on and on But how do you thank someone Who has taken you from crayons to perfume? Well it's not easy But I'll try If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters That would soar a thousand feet high To sir, with love Those awkward years have hurried by Why did they fly, fly away Why is it Sir children, grow up to be people one day? What takes the place of climbing tres and dirty knees in the world outside? What, what is there that I can buy? If you wanted the world I'd surround it with a wall I'd scrawl These words withe letters ten feet tall To you, With love

Scene 3
Castle grounds. Crabbe and Goyle are organising entrants for the spell contest. Lucius enters.

Lucius	Now, I have a special job for you two. I want you to keep an eye out for Harry Po - for The Boy Who Lived. He's sure to be here, he can't resist a chance to show off.
Crabbe	Yes sir, you can count on us, sir!
Lucius	Excellent.
Goyle	Who are we looking for?
Crabbe	The Boy Who Lived.
Goyle	Oh. Who?
Crabbe	You know, Harry Potter. (There's a fanfare, they look around to see where it came from.)
Lucius	Don't do that! (He walks away.)
Harry, Ron and Hermione arrive with false moustaches.
Ron	We want to enter the contest.
Crabbe	Name?
Ron	Erm, Brian.
Goyle	Both of you?
Ron	Yes, I'm Brian and so's my wife.
Harry	I want to enter the contest too.
Crabbe	Is your name Brian too?
Harry	Erm, no, I'm Spartacus.
They take a number and mingle with the crowd. Crabbe and Goyle go over to Lucius.
Crabbe	We can't find him.
Lucius	Who?
Goyle	The Boy Who Lived.
Lucius	You mean you were looking for Harry Po - for The Boy Who Lived?
Crabbe	Yes sir.
Lucius	You expected him to just walk in?
Goyle	Yes sir.
Lucius	It didn't occur to you that he might be in disguise? You just can't get the staff these days, honestly. If you had one more brain, you'd be a halfwit.
Crabbe & Goyle	Thanks!
Lucius	Now, mingle with the crowd and look for The Boy Who Lived. He'll be in disguise. If you see him, report back to me.
Crabbe	To you.
Lucius	To me.
Goyle	To you.
Lucius	To me.
Crabbe	To you.
Lucius	To me.
Goyle	To you.
Lucius	To me. Enough! Go!
There's a fanfare, Voldemort arrives. No one can see him so he has to stand on a box.
Voldemort	Thank you all for coming on such a special occasion, my marriage to the lovely Draco-nie.
There's polite applause, Draco appears on the arm of Snape and sits on the throne at the side of the stage.
Harry	There she is! Hermione, we'll sneak up close to her and you create a diversion. Then we'll grab her.
Hermione	Okay. (Harry and Ron sneak round the stage to Draco)
Voldemort	May the contest begin!
Lucius	Contestant number 1!
First contestant steps up.
Contestant	A spell to turn Gareth Gates into a singer! PopIdolus! (Casts spell into wings.)
Crowd	Ooh! (Applause)
Lucius	Contestant number 2!
Second contestant steps up.
Contestant	A spell to turn water into wine! Miraculous! (Casts spell into wings.)
Crowd	Ooh! (Applause)
Lucius	Contestant number 3!
Hermione steps up.
Hermione	A spell to turn trousers into jam! Izzardius! (Casts spell into wings.)
Crowd	Ooh! (Applause)
Lucius	Well done, well done that man. Guards! Seize him! That man is none other than Harry Potter! (There's a fanfare, everyone looks to see where it came from)
Crowd	What?
Cue Benny Hill music. Hermione runs off stage into the auditorium chased by Lucius and Draco. Crabbe and Goyle chase after Draco. Ron and Harry chase after Crabbe & Goyle. Hermione runs round the auditorium. Crabbe and Goyle grab hold of Draco.
Draco	Get off! Unhand me! Stop right now!
Song - Everyone - Stop
	Stop right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with the human touch, Hey you always on the run, Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun.
(Everyone stops what they're doing, sings the chorus and then carries on as though nothing has happened. Draco runs away and is chased by Crabbe and Goyle, who are chased by Harry and Ron. Hermione turns round and chases after Lucius.)
Snape	Desist this tomfoolery immediately!
Everyone stops. He has Voldemort at wandpoint.
Voldemort	Lucius!
Lucius	Oops.
Harry, Ron and Hermione hold Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle at wandpoint.
Harry, Ron, Hermione & Snape	Stupefy! (Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe & Goyle collapse.)
Snape	Take them to the dungeons!
Crowd	Hooray!
Draco	(looking around him) Uh oh.
Harry	Draconie, you are free! I have rescued you!
Draco	I'm sorry, you are?
Harry	I am - (Takes off disguise) Harry Potter! (Silence) I said, I'm Harry Potter! (Silence)
Draco	My hero.
Harry	Draconie, you are so beautiful, from the moment I saw you I knew I had to make you mine. So... (Goes down on one knee) Will you marry me?
Draco	Well, it beats jumping on you and tying you up.
Crowd	Hooray!
Harry	Uh oh!

Scene 4
Dungeon. Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle are there.

Voldemort	Well, this is another fine mess you've got me into.
Lucius	Oh no, my Lord, it's really not that bad.
Voldemort	We're locked in a dungeon, The Boy Who Lived has returned to Hogsmeade and beaten us once again, and now he's going to marry my bride-to-be!
Lucius	He's what?! You're right, it is that bad.
Voldemort	Well, at least it can't get any worse.
Crabbe	That's right, keep your chin up and think positive!
Song - Lucius, Crabbe & Goyle - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life
	Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse, When you're chewing life's gristle, Don't grumble, Give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best. And... Always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the light side of life. If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. And... Always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the right side of life, For life is quite absurd And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin. Give the audience a grin. Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow. So... Always look on the bright side of death, Just before you draw your terminal breath. Life's a piece of (Lucius puts his hand over singer's mouth to hide the word 'shit') When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true. You'll see it's all a show. Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And... Always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the right side of life.
Voldemort	I don't know whether or not it was your singing, but I feel worse than ever. It's spooky down here.
Lucius	It's supposed to be spooky, it's a dungeon.
Goyle	You don't suppose there's a ghost, do you?
Lucius	Oh for goodness sake, there's no ghost here, there's no such thing as ghosts.
Crabbe	Oh yes there is.
Lucius	Oh no there isn't.
Goyle	I know, let's sing some more to cheer ourselves up.
They sing the chorus again, a ghost comes on and stands next to Lucius. Lucius doesn't do anything so the ghost hits him with a custard pie. They run offstage in opposite directions.
Crabbe	Lucuis, you didn't join in! Lucius?
Voldemort	Do you think the ghost got him?
Goyle	I don't see any ghost. (Ghost comes on stage again) Let's sing some more.
They sing the chorus again, the ghost follows Goyle, pies him and they run offstage.
Crabbe	Are you feeling better now, Goyle? Goyle? Come out, Goyle!
Voldemort	It's the ghost.
Crabbe	Oh no, it isn't.
Voldemort	Oh yes, it is.
The ghost comes up, pies Crabbe and they run offstage.
Voldemort	Where'd everyone go? I wish I knew where the ghost was. (Ghost comes back on). I'm all on my own. I don't like being on my own. It's scary. (Ghost sneaks on behind Voldemort, ends up chasing him round the stage before pieing him and they run offstage.)

Scene 5
Hogsmeade. Some villagers are looking around for any sign of the wedding. Ron and a priest keep checking their watches and looking around.

Ron	I can't believe it, Harry's getting married.
Snape enters with Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle in chains.
Ron	Where's Harry?
Harry runs onstage.
Harry	I'm here! Where's my lovely bride?
Draco and Hermione come on dressed as bride and bridesmaid.
Draco	Are you sure my bum doesn't look big in this?
Harry	You look wonderful.
Priest	We are gathered here today to join Harry and Draconie in holy matrimony. If anyone knows of any reason why they should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Door bangs open in auditorium.
Dumbledore	Stop! (Gets up onstage.)
Voldemort	Oh, who invited him?
Dumbledore	Harry, there is something you must know.
Draco	Uh oh.
Dumbledore points his wand at Draco.
Dumbledore	From sugar and spice and all things nice To slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails Bathed in the colours of silver and green Let the identity of this girl now be seen!
There's a flash of light, a puff of smoke and Draco is revealed.
Hermione	Malfoy!
Draco	Granger.
Ron	Malfoy!
Draco	Weasel.
Harry	Draconie?
Priest	Does this mean the wedding's off?
Hermione & Ron	Yes!
Harry	No!
Hermione & Ron	No?
Harry	Wait! Voldemort was going to marry him, right?
Hermione and Ron	Right.
Harry	And there's supposed to be a happy ending, right?
Hermione and Ron	Right.
Harry	So I'll marry him.
They all look at Draco.
Draco	Well, I'm not doing anything later. Besides, it's in the script.
Dumbledore	Please continue.
Priest	Do you?
Harry	I do.
Priest	Do you?
Draco	I do.
All cheer and throw confetti.
Song - Harry & Draco - They Can't Take That Away From Me
Harry	The way you wear your hat The way you sip your tea The memory of all that No, no, they can't take that away from me
Draco	The way your smile just beams The way you sing off key
Harry	I ain't flat, the band's sharp
Draco	The way you haunt my dreams Oh, no, they can't take that away from me
Harry	We may never, never meet again, on this bumpy road to love Still I'll always, always keep the memory of The way you hold your knife
Draco	The way we danced till three
Both	The way you changed my life Oh no, they can't take that away from me No, no, they can't take that away from me
Draco	Not without a lawyer anyway We may never, never meet again, on this bumpy road to love
Harry	Still I'll always, always keep the memory of The way you hold your knife
Draco	The way we danced till three
Both	The way you changed my life Oh no, they can't take that away from me No, they can't take that away from me No, they won't take that away from me.

The End