Mary-Sue Conquers Hogwarts

Mary Sue Conquers Hogwarts.

Hogwarts' wards had been smashed. Death Eaters filled the school. The Order had fought bravely, but were all forced to surrender when Death Eaters threatened to kill all the students they had captured. Harry, Hermione and Ron were rounded up with the rest of the Order and taken to the Great Hall. Ten Death Eaters kept their wands trained on both Harry and Dumbledore as they stood in the middle of the Order's ranks. The doors to the Great Hall swung open; the Dark Lord entered with Lucius Malfoy at his side.

"This has been a long time coming, Headmaster," he told Dumbledore as they approached.

"It's not over yet, Tom," Dumbledore answered.

"I beg to differ, old man. Your Order is defeated; I have both Potter's wand and your school. Soon you will be nothing but a painful reminder to those who would defy me. The only thing left to do is to figure out which one of you I will kill first," Voldemort said with a sinister smile on his reptilian white face.

"You may kill us all today, Tom. But others will rise up and take our place. The side of Light can never be defeated as long as good men and women seek justice in their lives. It doesn't matter how many times you're victorious, Tom. In the end, your kind always loses," Dumbledore said defiantly.

"That will just be my burden to bear," Voldemort said with a laugh. "I think I'll kill Potter first. I want you to see your last hope die right before your eyes, old man."

Harry tensed as Voldemort pointed his wand at him. Dumbledore stepped in front of the boy and said, "You will have to kill me first, Tom."

Voldemort focused his ruby red eyes on the old wizard and said, "Very well, old man. Avada Kedav..."

The Dark Lord's curse was interrupted by a brilliant ball of light that suddenly appeared in the middle of the Great Hall. Everyone shielded their eyes as the ball grew to six feet in diameter.

A figure emerged from the ball of light. With a loud CRACK, the light disappeared, leaving behind the most beautiful, young teenage woman in its place. The girl had luscious, long fire-red hair with black highlights that flowed down to her waist. She had the most beautiful green eyes anyone had ever seen. She wore very low-cut rhinestone-covered jeans, so low that half her hot-pink thong showed in the back. She also wore a tight sleeveless black shirt that was tied in a knot at the hem, showing off her perfect abs and diamond belly-button ring. A tattoo on her left bicep said "Baby Bites." She had on a straw cowboy hat with long feathers curling along the brim. On her feet were chunky four-inch-high, clear-heeled, open-toed shoes.

"Howdy, y'all," she shouted in a friendly voice to everyone in the Great Hall. Everyone just looked at her with amazement. "Can someone tell me where to find Dumbledore?"

"Just who the hell are you?" Lucius Malfoy rudely demanded.

"I'm Mary-Sue Yankeeblood Goddwhich. I was going to be an exchange student here from America. But since I'm the best witch to come out of Hollywood's Witchcraft and Beautician school in a hundred years, the Headmaster of this little school has decided to hire me as your new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor," she told everyone.

All the Death Eaters and the Order members turned to look at Dumbledore. He just shrugged his shoulders.

"Enough of this foolishness. Someone kill that wretched creature," Voldemort ordered.

Three Death Eaters stepped forward. They pointed their wands at her and, together, sent hexes at the strange, but very charming witch.

Mary-Sue just raised her right hand and blocked all their hexes with her bare palm. "OOHH, PUH-LEEEEZE! Talk to the hand, bitches," she coyly, but confidently, said.

The three Death Eaters suddenly burst into flames. The Hall was filled with their terrible screams. It took only seconds for all three of them to be reduced to nothing but ash.

"SHE'S JUST LIKE MY MOM, BUT SEXIER!" Harry shouted.

"Amazing! She can do wandless magic with unheard of power. It's no wonder Dumbledore sacked me and hired her," Remus Lupin said, looking at her with dreamy eyes.

"You insolent insect. You will pay, for challenging my minions, with your pathetic life," Voldemort roared. "Avada Kedavra!"

Green light shot from the tip of Voldemort's wand. Mary-Sue blocked this curse just as easily as she did the others.

"You're really starting to bother me, you know that?" she said menacingly to the Dark Lord. "A person with skin as bad as yours doesn't deserve to live."

Suddenly, Mary-Sue's hair turned a brilliant platinum blonde. Her eyes changed to a deep violet color. She pointed a finger at the Dark Lord and said, "Hasta La Vista, Baby!" A huge lightning bolt shot out of the tip of her finger and struck Voldemort's chest. The Dark Lord barely had time to scream before he exploded into a thousand burning pieces.

The crowd gasped with shock at what she had just done. Mary-Sue checked her hand to make sure she hadn't messed up her white French-tip nail polish.

"She has destroyed our Lord," Lucius Malfoy said angrily. "We must kill this abomination."

All of the remaining Death Eaters pointed their wands at her.

"What-everrrr," she casually said. Then with just one wave of her beautiful, feminine hand, all the Death Eaters burst into flames. Soon there was no trace of them left.

All the Order members began to cheer. Professor McGonagall, with tears in her eyes, ran up to the new hero. She dropped to her hands and knees and began to kiss Mary-Sue's feet.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. We were all doomed. Merlin himself must have sent you," the Professor said through heavy sobs.

"Oh, it was nothing. I kill a Dark wizard at least once a week," Mary-Sue explained.

Dumbledore and several other Order members rushed over to meet this incredible witch, while McGonagall continued to give her feet a tongue bath.

"Well done, my dear," Dumbledore gratefully said as he shook her hand with great enthusiasm.

"We were in a real spot there, Miss Goddwhich. That's why I hired you. I knew it would take a witch a lot wiser and more powerful than myself to destroy the Dark Lord," the headmaster appreciatively told her.

"That's all right, Headmaster. I know how far behind us you English wizards are. We American witches love to give you third world types a helping hand," she said with humility.

Remus took her other hand and kissed it affectionately. "I can't tell you how worried we have been with the specter of the Dark Lord hanging over our heads for most of our lives," he told her. "It's an honor for me to lose my job to a remarkable creature such as yourself."

"Don't worry, Mr. Lupin. A handsome man such as yourself will easily find another job," she assured him.

"I'm afraid not, my dear lady," he sadly told her. "You see I'm a werewolf. No one will hire me in this backward country."

"You're in luck, dude. It just so happens that I belong to a long line of ancient healers that dates back to the late nineteen eighties. We do mostly cosmetic surgery, but I think I can fix you up," she told him.

Mary-Sue placed her hand on Remus' forehead and said, " By the power given to me by my stylist, I command you, Wolfy, be gone. YOU ARE HEALED, MY BROTHER!"

Remus took a step back and closed his eyes. "It's gone. The beast within is gone. Oh, my dear lady, how can I ever repay you?" he asked with tears in his big blue eyes.

"Well, I'm a little hungry. British food really sucks. What I could go for is a Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries and vanilla shake," she answered.

"Right away, my lovely goddess. I'll go get my broom. There is a McDonald's about two hundred miles to the south. I'll be right back," he assured her then headed for the main stairs.

"Bring me back a couple of Big Macs, would you?" Ron asked.

After Remus left her side, Hagrid took his spot by the gorgeous witch and knelt down on one knee.

"Dear Madam, can yer please help a wretched creature such as me? I'm cursed ter walk the earth in this huge, ugly body. My penis is so big, I can only have sex with cows and horses. Please, can yer make me a normal man?" he begged.

Mary-Sue placed her hand on the big oaf's head and said, "Cowabunga! Rise up, my beautiful brother."

Hagrid's grotesque body began to shrink. Within seconds, he was reduced to a normal-sized man. He also looked like a carbon copy of Brad Pitt.

Hagrid looked inside his oversized pants and said, "Thank yer, Madam, thank yer! I finally have a normal twelve-inch penis. Now I can have sex with normal women and not jus' the Spice Girls."

Hagrid quickly dropped to his feet. He shoved McGonagall over and started kissing Mary-Sue's right foot.

"You are truly a miracle, Miss Goddwhich. The sight of Hagrid's hideous face was beginning to sicken us all," Dumbledore told her.

He then turned to his fellow Order members. "Listen, my good friends. To show our eternal gratitude to this kind American witch, I have decided to rename Slytherin House in her honor. From now on, it will be known as St. Goddwhich House.

"Headmaster, you can't be serious?" Snape asked, sounding very annoyed and sneering at the young witch. "The founders' names are eternal. You cannot change them just because of this American tart."

"Of course I can, Severus. It's the least I can do," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye.

"You'll have to forgive our Potions master, my dear. He's a little cranky this week. The Ministry forced him to marry one of our Muggle-born Gryffindors. From what I hear, they're having great sex, but still are not getting along too well."

"Headmaster, I will not be the Head of a House named after this Yankee bimbo," Severus forcefully told the Headmaster.

"Severus, please!" Dumbledore said, giving the younger wizard a disapproving look. "We should be thankful to Miss Goddwhich and her marvelous country. As a matter of fact, I now declare that Hogwarts is part of the United States. We will be considered their fifty-first state."

With a wave of the Headmaster's hand, all the school banners turned red, white and blue.

"Everyone join me in the pledge of allegiance in Miss Goddwhich's honor."

"STOP IT, THIS IS INSANE!" a voice screamed. Everyone turned to look where the voice had come from. Hermione stood near the High Table with her fist clenched at her side.

"Is something troubling you, my dear?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes, something's troubling me," Hermione angrily answered. "How can you all act this way? Why is everyone doing these bizarre things?"

"There is nothing bizarre about showing our savior our appreciation, Mrs. Snape," the Headmaster told her.

"You don't think declaring Hogwarts another American state is bizarre? We're in the middle of Scotland, for Merlin's sake! My Head of House is sucking on some stranger's feet. You don't find that a bit weird?"

"Professor McGonagall is just a little overjoyed that the war is finally over. She has had to live with it a lot longer than you," Dumbledore answered, then gave McGonagall a small kick and motioned for her to stand back up.

"Professor, what this woman did was impossible. No one can just kill fifty Death Eaters with a wave of their hand," Hermione said forcefully. "It has to be a trick," she suggested.

Harry suddenly rushed forward to the miraculous witch and dropped to one knee in front of her. "Please forgive my ignorant friend, Miss Goddwhich. She has been a little off ever since she started having sex with Snape," Harry explained, looking up at her with his emerald green eyes. "Lovely Lady, you have saved me from death at the hands of my enemies. You have also avenged the death of my parents the way, I know now, I never could have. The only thing I can offer is my undying love. Please, Miss Goddwhich, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!" Hermione shouted.

"No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Potter. I'm only seventeen, far too young to be tied down right now. Although, I am much more mature than I look because I've used a Time-Turner. But it's the good American kind that doesn't effect my age," she told the disappointed Harry as she ran her fingers though his messy raven-black hair. "But I will take you as my lover."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," Harry said, while groveling in front of her.

"Stop it! Just stop it, you evil cow!" Hermione demanded. "I don't know how you're doing this, but just stop!"

"What is your fucking problem, bitch?" Mary-Sue angrily asked.

"You're my problem, Miss Goodywhich," Hermione answered, purposely mispronouncing her name. "If you're such great witch and so much better than us, how come I never heard of you or your bloody school before?"

"Because I've never been here before, duuuh," she answered sarcastically. "And Hollywood WB is a very private and exclusive school. You have to win a least one regional preteen beauty pageant just to get in."

"What is Merlin's third rule of magic?" Hermione asked with a suspicious look on her face.

"We don't learn crappy foreigners' magic," Goddwhich told her. "Just the good American kind."

"What's the name of your sixth year Potions textbook?" Snape asked from behind Hermione.

"We use magic to learn, not boring old books. Late night reading would mess up our beauty sleep," Goddwhich answered.

"Adumbasssaidwhat," Snape quickly said.

"What?" Mary-Sue asked.

Snape just shook his head and turned away.

"Professor Dumbledore, this women is obviously a fraud," Hermione told him.

"You witnessed what she did with your own eyes, Mrs. Snape. The Dark Lord is dead, how can she be a fraud?" he asked.

"I don't know yet, but she definitely has the same stink as Lockhart to me," Hermione said accusingly.

"I've had about enough of your lip, Skank!" Mary-Sue lividly said. "You should be thankful I was here to save your worthless limey butt!"

"You're a phony, you stupid Yankee twit. And I'm going to prove it," Hermione responded.

Hermione didn't get to say another word. With a wave of Mary-Sue's hand, Hermione was gagged and bound.

Snape quickly stepped forward. " Release her at once!" he demanded.

"Relax, sourpuss," she told him with a smirk on her perky lips. "This is for her own good."

With another wave of her hand, four brilliant white lights appeared next to her. There was a loud CRACK and four more beautiful American witches appeared.

"Hey everybody, this is my posse. Peggy-Sue, Betty-Sue, Becky-Sue and Tiffany-Sue." All four girls were dressed similarly to Mary-Sue.

"What's up, Boss?" Becky-Sue, the one with the backwards New York Yankees cap asked.

"We've got a real stick in the mud here, girls. A know-it-all in bad need of a perm," she answered.

They all looked at Hermione.

"Damn, that girl's hair is tragic," Peggy-Sue, stated. "Don't worry Mary-Sue. We can fix her right up."

All four girls then quickly surrounded Hermione. With a wave of Tiffany-Sue's hand, Hermione's gag and binds disappeared. As one, all four girls raised a hand towards Hermione. Electricity shot out of their hands, striking the small witch. Hermione screamed.

"Unhand her this instant, you bloody trollops! " Snape roared as he pointed his wand at Mary-Sue.

With a simple flick of her hand, Snape was sent flying across the Great Hall, crashing into a far wall. He fell to the ground, unconscious.

The four witches began to prance around Hermione, chanting the same thing over and over: "Hermiony-Sue, Hermiony-Sue, Hermiony-Sue."

She screamed once again. Her curly brown hair began to straighten and turn raven black. Gaudy platinum blonde highlights appeared in her hair. An eyebrow- and nose-piercing suddenly appeared on her face. Hermione could feel herself becoming stupider. She was having an overwhelming urge to watch The O.C. She had never even heard of the show before.

"Miss Goddwhich, please. I don't think she can take much more. If she gets too out of character, she might die," Dumbledore pleaded.

"Shut up, you old turd, or you'll be next," she threatened. "You'll be another Grandpa Simpson when we're done with you."

Hermione fell to her knees. She could feel a burning in her lower back as a Chinese symbol beltline tattoo appeared there. Her eyes burned as the color of her irises changed to violet-blue. Her clothes started to change. She was quickly enclosed in tight black leather with metal studs. Black lipstick and heavy black eyeliner covered her face.

"Someone help me!" she screamed. "They're turning me Goth!"

"ENOUGH!" a powerful voice commanded. With another loud CRACK, five cloaked figures appeared in the middle of the Hall. One stepped forward and shouted, "UNHAND THAT GIRL, YOU EVIL OOC BITCHES."

The cloaked figure held out a book she had in her hand. A surge of energy from the book knocked all four bimbos on their arses. Hermione fell to the ground, gasping for breath and brainpower.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Mary-Sue shouted.

"I am Metamuse, and these are my Admins: Headmistress Estrilda, High Inquisitor Azazello, Unspeakable CareCrystal and Unspeakable Nakhash," the cloaked woman answered. "We are here to stop unoriginal cliché garbage like you from ruining stories on my archives."

Mary-Sue and the others laughed. "Just how is a bunch of Potterverse bookworms like you, going to stop us?" Mary-Sue asked with a wicked smile on her puss.

"With these," Metamuse answered, holding up the book in her hand. The four figures behind her also held up books.

"Books? You've got to be joking. How can mere books hurt the most beautiful and powerful witches to ever walk the earth?" Mary-Sue asked with a skeptical look on her face.

"These are not just books, you plastic bimbo. These are JK Rowling's original canon, British version," Metamuse answered with a confident smile on her face.

Mary-Sue suddenly looked very worried.

"That's not fair," Tiffany-Sue shouted. "We've only seen the movies."

"Why am I not surprised, you stupid cow," Azazello said as she shook her head.

"Let's get them, girls," Mary-Sue commanded. "Hit them with the most powerful hex we know!"

Each one of the Sues pointed an open palm at a different cloaked figure. Together they screamed, "Paris Hilton!"

Pink light shot out of their palms towards the defenders of canon. Each admin blocked the pink energy with the book in her hand. The huge amount of pink sluttish energy began to overwhelm them. One of the cloaked figures was forced to her knees.

"Nakhash, hold on," Metamuse screamed.

"I can't. I've got Order of the Phoenix. It has too many new characters in it. It's not as strong as JK's other books," Nakhash said, trying to hold on, but starting to feel a compulsion to watch "America's Next Top Model", "Extreme Makeover" and, god help her, "The Swan".

"Read, read from the canon," Metamuse ordered. "It's the only thing that can defeat these OOC demon whores."

As the Admins began to read the proper British canon, blue energy poured from their novels. Nakhash regained her feet as she read 'Snape's Worst Memory.' Blue energy surged out of the books pushing the moronic pink energy back toward the Sues. Soon all five fake-ass witches were on their knees, holding on for dear life.

"We have them on the ropes, ladies," Metamuse shouted. "Just read canon that wasn't in the movies and that should finish them off." The blue energy engulfed the Sues. All five fell to the ground, screaming.

"Their unbelievable cliché powers are finished," Estrilda said triumphantly.

"Not quite yet, you Potter-Nerd," Mary-Sue said as she slowly got to her feet. Her hair was completely frizzed, like she'd just French-kissed a light socket. "You may have destroyed our magical powers, but we still have other tricks up our sleeves, like the fact that each one of us is a tenth degree black belt martial artist, in five different disciplines. Your books won't stop us from opening up a huge can of whoop-ass on ya."

"What do we do?" CareCrystal nervously asked. "Canon won't help us get rid of ridiculous Muggle powers."

"If we can't use JKR to get rid of these hos, we'll just have to use Tolkien," Nakhash said as she walked over to a suit of armor and picked up a battle-axe.

The other four quickly followed. Metamuse picked up a long spear, Estrilda took a sword and both CareCrystal and Azazello took heavy maces. The Sues had gathered themselves together and stood ready in their overly dramatic Kung Fu stances.

"FOR SYCOPHANT HEX!" Metamuse shouted as the five Admins charged into battle. Unfortunately for the Sues, their fake Hollywood movie moves were no match for cold steel. Within minutes, all five OOC bitches laid dead in pools of their own blood. Nakhash continued to strike the mutilated body of her Sue with the heavy battle-axe. Azazello also kept kicking her bleach-highlighted victim.

"Relax, Nak. I don't think Peggy-Sue's going to be getting back up any time soon," CareCrystal told her. "You knock it off too, Az. You might catch a S.T.D from that slut's blood."

Metamuse raised her spear high after impaling Mary-Sue's severed head on the end. "Let this be a lesson to all authors who would dare put a Mary-Sue on my site. I will have all their heads," she declared.

"What fool wrote this trash, anyway?" Metamuse demanded.

"It was authored by PinkCorsair. I think Nakhash beta'd it for Pink," CareCrystal told her.

"CRYSTAL!" Nakhash said irately to her friend.

"Is this true, Nakhash? Did you beta this crap," Metamuse asked.

"Yes, but Pink always writes so much better than this. His MLC story is one of the best I've ever read," Nakhash explained.

"A MLC author, I should have known. PINKCORSAIR! PinkCorsair I demand you show yourself," Metamuse yelled.

With a small blue flash, a man dressed like a pirate, but all in pink, appeared. Even his eye patch and parrot were pink.

"Whoa, man, who's making all the noise down here?" the very bizarre figure asked. "I got a killer headache, babe. What's with my clothes? I look like a gay Captain Hook."

"You look like your pen name, moron!" Estrilda told him.

"I was thinking of Corsair, the fighter-plane, not pirates," he told them.

"Pink, I demand you explain why you wrote this garbage and put it on my archive." Metamuse angrily demanded as she shook the decapitated Mary-Sue's head on her spear at him.

"Which story is this?" he asked.

"Mary-Sue Conquers Hogwarts," CareCrystal told him.

"Are you sure I wrote this? Man, I must have been stoned," he answered as he looked around.

"Stoned? That's why you put this perverted story on my site and premiere archive, Ashwinder," Metamuse asked as her cheeks started to turn red with color.

"Chill, babe. I'm sure I had SS and HG knocking boots in the story before I put it on here," he casually told her.

"They are supposed to be the main characters, you simpleton! You barely mentioned them," Metamuse heatedly said.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, babe. I'll toss you a bone and add a nice SS/HG lemon on the end," he said with a smug smile on his face.

Metamuse had heard enough. She grabbed him by his puffy pink lace shirt and fired a hard punch into his conceited face.

"It's knickers, not panties, you TWIT!" she yelled as he hit the floor, out cold. With another bright blue flash he was gone. "The next time that buffoon submits a chapter, I want it to stay in queue for two months."

Metamuse headed over to check on Hermione. Her hair and clothes had started to return to normal after the death of the Sues. Hermione grabbed a napkin off a table and wiped the hideous black makeup from her face.

"How do you feel, child?" Metamuse asked.

"A little fuzzyheaded," she answered.

Metamuse lifted Hermione's chin to look into her now large brown eyes. "What is more important than books and cleverness?" she asked, giving Hermione a concerned look.

"Friendship and bravery," Hermione answered.

"I think you'll be just fine," Metamuse told her with a smile. She reached into her cloak and pulled out a red book. "Here, read this. I think your hair is still a little straighter than it should be."

Hermione looked at the book and said, "Fantastic Beast & Where To Find Them? I've already read this."

"I know, but no Mary-Sue has. Just read it through again and I guarantee you'll feel like your old self again," Metamuse told her with a cheerful smile.

She then turned to Dumbledore. "I trust you will put everyone back in character?" she asked.

"You have my word, madam," the kind old wizard told her.

Just then, Snape rejoined them as he shook the cobwebs out of his head. Metamuse took one look at the dark wizard and said, "Oh, what the hell." She quickly grabbed him and kissed the Slytherin very passionately. Before breaking the kiss, she reached down with her right hand and felt what she always knew to be true. The man did have incredible attributes. Severus just sneered at her as she moved away from him. She wouldn't have it any other way.

"Come now, girls. There are a lot more stories out there to validate," Metamuse told her companions as she rejoined them, wearing a very big smile. The other four had looks of green envy on their faces.

"Metamuse, wait!" Hermione shouted, then ran up to her. " I need to ask you a question."

"What is it?" Metamuse asked the Gryffindor.

"Why Snape? Why is every author always pairing me with Snape?" she asked with a confused look on her face.

"Because you're such a great couple to write, Hermione. Anything can happen with you two," Metamuse answered.

"But he's twenty years older that me. And he's a complete arse. How can putting me with him be anything close to canon?" Hermione asked her.

Metamuse looked at her and said in a very serious tone, "Listen, Hermione. He's single. Never been married. He can cook. He has a good job and doesn't spend all day in front of the tube watching his favorite football team. Just look behind you if you want to know what canon might have in store for you."

Hermione looked behind her to see Ron digging a booger out of his nose while simultaneously pulling his pants out of the crack of his ass.

"I guess you might have a point," Hermione told her.

"Trust me, Hermione. Snape is the best catch in all five books. We should all be as lucky as you. If you don't believe me, just pick up the first issue of PlayWitch the next time you're in Knockturn Alley," Metamuse said, giving her a wink.

"On to Occlumency girls. The Mary-Sues have just about taken over that archive," Metamuse ordered. With a loud Crack, the five heroes of Potterverse were gone.

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