When Good Potions Go Bad

Chapter 3

Hermione crossed her arms. "Under normal circumstances, no, they can't, but there have been rare occasions when it has happened. The last case was about thirty years ago when an unsuspecting wizard crossed the wrong hag. Of course, that turned out to be a magical transference between him and his wife... I'm not sure how to explain your case. None of the other cases I was able to research involved two men."

"Thus, you are wrong," said Severus.

"Severus, you were working on that fertility potion, one that you hoped would guarantee infertile couples could conceive," said Remus.

"Yes, a man and a woman. I do not have eggs!" Severus insisted.

Hermione asked, "Is there any way that you could recreate that phase of your research? I'd like to analyze it; see if I can determine how this happened."

"I can do that myself. I don't need your help," he replied defensively.

"All right, be that way. But I do recommend that you seek appropriate medical care, especially since you cannot give birth in the normal manner," Hermione said coldly. She then pulled Remus aside and said softly, "Please, look after him. He's in denial now, and I suspect he just needs time to come to terms with the truth. And make sure he sees a Healer." She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before leaving.

Remus sat next to Severus and squeezed his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"I think that I don't need to listen to this drivel anymore. If that was meant to be a joke, it wasn't humorous. Yes, I've put on weight, but that was cruel, something I would have expected from Potter or Black, but not from you." He pulled his hand away and fought back the tears.

Remus placed his hand on Severus's stomach. "It wasn't..."

Severus smacked Remus's hand away. "And you can just stop that now." Rising from the couch, he decided to lock himself in his room to regain his emotional composure and get away from that meddling werewolf.

As he paced the bedroom, he mumbled to himself, "It's just not possible. Men do not get pregnant." The kicking - no, it wasn't kicking, never kicking - fluttering in his stomach quickened. "Would you stop that?" After realizing what he had done, he muttered, "Wonderful, now I'm talking to myself." Heading to the bathroom, he decided to see if he had any more antacid.

An hour passed, and Remus had still not knocked on the door. He figured it was a new tactic, one he would not fall for. How could someone he thought he knew, someone who was normally quite rational, possibly believe that he could be pregnant? In addition to the fluttering, his stomach was now growling quite loudly. He was contemplating unlocking the door to get something to eat when he heard a small pop and saw that a tray of food had been delivered. Investigating, he saw that it was not the salad and steamed vegetables he was expecting, but a rather hearty and delicious smelling meal. Unable to resist his hunger, he dove into his food.

As he lay in bed trying to get back to sleep, he began to wonder why Remus had not knocked on the door and tried to talk to him again. Was it all part of this extraordinarily cruel joke? Pulling on his dressing gown, he went in search of his lover. He found Remus in his office. This was how important he was. He wasn't worth fighting for anymore. Remus had decided his work was more important than their relationship. "So? I'm not good enough for you anymore?"

Remus looked up from his work, setting his quill down. "No, not at all. I just...thought you might need some time. That and I'm sick of getting yelled at."

"You getting yelled at? You have been doing nothing but pestering me for weeks on end. I think I have every right to be irritated with you."

Remus rubbed his temples. "I don't want to get into another argument."

"You don't want to get into anything with me. All you care about is your precious writing. You don't really care about me," he snapped.

Remus rose and placed his hand on Severus's shoulder. "That's not true and you know it. I've only ever wanted you."

"Then why go through this elaborate ruse to drive me away?" Severus did his best to hang onto his anger, knowing that it was the only thing keeping him from breaking down into tears.

"I'm not trying to drive you away. I sent you dinner. Hermione and I talked about this..."

"And set it all up," Severus interrupted.

"No! Listen to me. I would never play a joke on you, especially not one like this. We've been together long enough that you should know better. I know that it's completely implausible, but somehow it has happened. You know I was never any good at Potions, so I can't even begin to comprehend how it happened. I just know it did, and that now we have to accept it." He wrapped his arms around Severus and caressed his lover. He whispered, "I want you, and I want this baby."

"So Hermione wasn't joking?" Severus asked as he turned to face Remus.

Remus shook his head. "Not at all. In a few short months, we're going to be parents." He smiled warmly.

Severus stiffened. That meant that there would be a crying, smelly baby in the house. "Just because I'm carrying this...child, don't expect me to feel an overwhelming desire to care for it."

Remus laughed softly. "Don't worry about that. But I think you may feel differently when it's all done. I know most mothers are quite fond of their babies once they've given birth."

"Why you incorrigible..." Severus couldn't keep the smile off his face as he pulled Remus tight for a kiss.

***************

Severus flipped through his notes again. The answer had to be here. He felt that he was very close to unraveling it all. Sitting up straight, he rubbed his back. He had no idea how women did this. It seemed so unnatural that pregnancy would lead to so much discomfort. He felt that he was slowly being crippled.

To add to his discomfort, the child started vigorously kicking him in the ribs. There was no longer any question that he was really was pregnant, as impossible as it seemed.

Pressing his hand against his stomach in a vain attempt to quiet the child, he turned his attention back to his notes. The potion he had been brewing was a multipurpose potion to be taken by the woman. It was designed to stimulate egg production and to help the sperm find and fertilize the egg. But that didn't do anything to explain how he had become pregnant.

He returned his attention to analyzing the interaction of the various ingredients. He had already deduced that the part of the potion that aided the sperm in finding the egg is what had caused Remus's sperm to fertilize the egg, but he was, as yet, unable to determine how he had come to have an egg inside him.

"Severus?" said Hermione cautiously from the door.

"What do you want?" he asked shortly.

She swept into the room, not caring if she was welcome or not. "I came to see how you are doing. You haven't been to St. Mungo's yet."

"And I'm not going."

She pulled up a chair next to him. "You can't ignore your health like this, or that of the baby. I have arranged for you to see Healer Weiss. She will be completely discreet. You have an appointment tomorrow at five."

"Remus put you up to this, didn't he?"

She picked up a page of his notes. "Yes, he did. He's worried about you. This is not a normal condition for a wizard, and he doesn't want to lose you or the baby."

He snatched the page out of her hands and snorted. "He's a meddler."

She crossed her arms. "Severus, I know that you are a stubborn man, and I have no idea what he sees in you, but I respect the fact that he loves you. His worry is justified. Even in women, pregnancy can be a life-threatening condition. I am not an obstetric Healer. All I did was confirm that you are indeed pregnant. You now need to see a specialist. Remus knows that you have this appointment, and we will both ensure that you are there."

Realizing that he had lost, he snapped, "Fine. I'll go to this appointment."

She sighed. "Thank you. Have you made any progress in discovering how it happened?"

He really wanted to tell her to go away, but he knew that she was a potions researcher at St. Mungo's and might have insight that he did not. His declarations that she was a know-it-all had been condescending, but they had been based in truth. She was the only one that knew of his condition who had any hope of helping him unraveling the mystery. "Some. I know how Remus's sperm impregnated the egg, but I have no idea how I came to have an egg." He leaned back in his chair, giving her free access to his notes.

Absentmindedly, he rubbed his stomach as he watched her reading through his work. The baby seemed to be settling down some, for which he was very grateful.

"Oh. You used red clover," she said quietly.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, I think that's your problem. We've learned it does strange things."

"What sort of strange things? Everything I saw shows that it has been an effective treatment for female infertility for decades."

"Well, yes, but we've been doing some research on how it works. It doesn't just stimulate egg production, especially not when combined with some other herbs. There are certain combinations that have allowed post-menopausal women to conceive. It is possible that it can create eggs."

When she stopped abruptly, he said, "Let me guess, I have managed to use that combination."

She set the parchment down on the desk. "I'm afraid so. The irony is, had you been a straight man, there would have been no danger in you handling this potion."

"Of course. That would be my luck," he replied dryly.

"Well, as engaging as this conversation is, I do need to get home. Remember, five o'clock tomorrow. Remus and I will make sure you are there."

"Something tells me I won't be allowed to forget," he quipped.

"Good evening, Severus," she said cheerfully, before leaving his office.

Now that the mystery of how he had become pregnant had been solved, he found that he didn't much feel like working. Of course, he didn't much feel like going home and listening to Remus telling him the importance of attending tomorrow's appointment either. Knowing that heading to the pub was out of the question, he settled for unproductively shuffling paperwork until it was late enough to go home.

***************

Remus was finishing up his breakfast as he checked the clock on the wall. After months of work, he was nearly finished with his next novel, and he was looking forward to having some peace and quiet so he could put in some writing time. While he enjoyed the very active sex life he was having, he still had work he needed to get done, and he wanted to finish this project soon. "Don't you need to leave for the lab?"

"I've placed Edward in charge for the time being," Severus replied as he sipped his tea.

"For the time being?" Remus asked cautiously.

Severus shifted in his chair, trying to get comfortable as the baby was obviously letting its presence be known. "Since I cannot hide my condition under my robes anymore, I thought it best that I take a leave of absence."

Remus was not sure about having Severus around all day, every day. He really needed to be able to concentrate. Severus's sex drive had become nearly insatiable of late, and he thought the odds of him being able to get anything done with Severus around were quite slim. He had promised his publisher the first draft in two weeks and there was still nearly two months until their child was born. "I see."

"Is there something wrong with that?"

Remus knew that he was on the verge of yet another misunderstanding. "No, nothing at all. Will you be doing some work here?"

Severus unconsciously rubbed his heavily swollen stomach. "Some, but as you know, the Healers have limited the potions ingredients I can work with. Besides, I find that working at a cauldron is not really comfortable."

Remus tried to smile pleasantly, but wasn't sure he was succeeding. "Of course. Well, you'll excuse me if I lock myself in my office to do some writing, won't you?"

"Of course," replied Severus.

Remus could hear the hurt in Severus's voice, but he tried to ignore it. He knew that nothing good could come of getting into a discussion about this. Shutting the office door behind him, he seriously considered locking it, but decided to give Severus the benefit of the doubt. After rereading through the last few pages he had written and consulting his outline, he put quill to parchment and began writing.

After an hour, he was immersed in the story, setting the mood for the seduction and ensuing love scene. The words were flowing freely; the dialogue was some of the best he had ever written. Then, his train of thought was abruptly interrupted by an insistent knocking at the door.

"I thought you might want a spot of tea?" Severus offered.

Remus took a deep calming breath. "Thank you. If you just set it down, I'll get to it in a few minutes." Reading back a few sentences, he tried to regain his momentum. He had only penned a few more sentences when Severus spoke again.

"Perhaps after tea I could provide you with some inspiration?" He rubbed Remus's shoulders.

While Remus was quite aroused, he knew he had to finish what he was doing. Stepping away from a scene like this and coming back to it later never worked out quite as well. "As soon as I finish this chapter, I'll come over and spend some time with you. I really need to be able to concentrate on what I'm writing. If you could just give me another hour, two at the most?" He hoped against hope that this would not hurt Severus's overly sensitive feelings too badly.

Extremely put out, Severus reached over and picked up a completed page. After scanning it a few seconds, he threw it back on the desk. "Is that what you want? Some voluptuous young woman? Is that why you are ignoring me? My breasts aren't good enough for you?" He cupped his swollen breasts.

Remus had been doing anything but ignoring Severus. They were having sex two or three times a day, and had, in fact, made love that very morning before breakfast. Quite frankly, Remus was ready for a bit of a break. Trying to make his expression as affectionate as possible, he rose and turned to face Severus. "Most definitely not. You know I'm not interested in women."

"You sure do a good enough job writing it. If that's what you really want, fine." He turned his back on Remus.

He insisted, "I would never ignore you. I love you more than words can say. Those pages are merely how I make my living. They don't reflect my desires, they reflect what my readers want." He caressed Severus's arm, hoping to cheer his partner up a bit.

Severus's voice quavered as he asked, "It's because you find me fat and unattractive, isn't it?"

Remus sighed because they'd had this discussion far too many times for him to count. "I have already told you that's not it. I find the idea of you carrying our child very sexy." It wasn't quite entirely true, but this was one lie it was best to tell. Knowing that Severus's breasts had become quite sensitive, he moved his hands to cup them and gently massage his nipples. "I have a deadline, that's all. I just need to be able to work during the day. Evenings are all yours. Well, I do have a late afternoon meeting today, but I'll be home well before dinner." Leaning in to kiss Severus's neck and ears, he purred, "Now, why don't you let me finish this chapter, and I'll come find you when I'm done?"

Severus sniffed back the tears. "I suppose that will have to do."

Remus could tell that Severus was still not happy, but he did have work he needed to get done, and it wasn't going to happen with Severus around. Perhaps he would have to look into finding someplace else to write until he had finished the book. After giving Severus a kiss, he said, "Thank you. And I promise, I'll see you very soon."

************

As Remus left for his afternoon meeting, he had to listen to another round of Severus whining about being abandoned even though they had just spent the last hour and a half in bed together. He really wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. These wildly oscillating emotions were definitely trying his patience and his sanity. He knew that he had less than two months to go, but he wasn't sure he could last that long. Especially since Severus was going to be home all the time.

Walking up to the Burrow, he hoped that Arthur was home. He had tried to determine whom he could talk to, and Arthur seemed the most likely to be able to both offer advice and keep the news quiet at the same time. "Good afternoon, Molly. I was wondering if Arthur was around, and if I might borrow him for an hour or so?"

"Remus, so good to see you. How's your latest book coming?" she asked eagerly.

"Nearly finished, though the last bit is coming a bit more slowly than I would like." He thought it best not to elaborate too much.

"I'm sure it'll be splendid. He just got in a few minutes ago." Turning her head toward the stairs, she called out, "Arthur! Remus is here for you."

"Down in a minute, dear," he called back.

Remus took a seat in the living room and let Molly get back to her dinner preparations. He didn't want her to start asking too many questions.

"Remus, it's been a while. How are things?" Arthur said as he came down the stairs.

"Quite well. I wonder if you wanted to pop down to the pub for a pint?" He hoped that Arthur would pick up on the hint and agree.

"Of course, let me just throw on a jumper."

Remus knew they would stand out a bit at the local Muggle pub, but he really didn't want anyone to overhear what they were talking about at a wizarding establishment either.

Arthur was back downstairs rather quickly. They stopped through the kitchen on the way out. "We're going down to the pub, but I'll be back for dinner." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"All right, dear. Don't be too late."

Once they were away from the house, Arthur asked, "So what is it that you didn't want to talk about in front of Molly?"

Remus had been trying to determine the best way to explain his predicament all afternoon. He wasn't sure there was a best way, so he decided to start at the beginning. "Several months ago, Severus began working on a new fertility potion to help witches who couldn't conceive. At one point during the development, he had a bit of a lab accident. It's left the two of us in a rather improbable predicament." He stopped when he noticed Arthur had frozen in his tracks.

"What sort of predicament?" Arthur asked cautiously.

"Well, somehow, and I still don't really understand how, he became pregnant about seven months ago."

"I see," Arthur said quietly. After several long seconds of silence, he asked, "And why are you telling me?"

They started walking again. Remus sighed, "Well, you've been through this six times. I was hoping you could provide some advice. He's driving me batty."

Arthur laughed and placed his arm around Remus's shoulder. "You have definitely come to the right place for that. Don't breathe a word of this to Molly, but she was nearly unbearable to be around. I'll do my best to offer you advice. I'll warn you though, I never did seem to get it quite right."

"Thanks, Arthur. I think for the purpose of our discussion, it might work best if we referred to Severus as 'she', though. We don't need to scare any pub patrons."

Arthur laughed softly. "No, we most definitely do not."

Over the next hour and a half, Remus and Arthur enjoyed several pints while they shared humorous anecdotes. Remus did receive some advice, but he could tell it would not be smooth sailing over the next couple of months no matter what he did. Arthur didn't really have any advice to offer about Severus's sex drive. His solution to Molly's insatiability had been to work longer hours, but that wasn't really an option for Remus, who worked from home.

Checking his watch, Remus saw that their conversation had gone on longer than he had intended. "I really need to get going. Thanks for the advice."

"No problem. If you have questions about anything, just let me know. I like to think I've learned a thing or two about child-rearing."

"I'll do that."

"So, when are the two of you going to share the secret."

Remus grimaced. "I'd love to, but she doesn't want to tell everyone."

"It's not a secret you can keep forever, you know."

"I know. I've tried explaining that, but well, you know." He shrugged his shoulders.

"I do. Good luck, and if you need a guys' night out, let me know."

"Thanks. I'm sure I'll take you up on that since she's on maternity leave already. I just hope I can get my book finished on schedule."

"Hang in there. It'll get better. Goodnight, Remus."

"Goodnight, Arthur." A part of him dreaded going home. He knew that it was just about dinnertime, and he could expect Severus to be irate. After all, he had indicated that he would be home much earlier than this. Not to mention the fact that he had alcohol on his breath. He reminded himself that at least part of Severus's behavior was hormonal.