Before the Moon Rises

BEFORE THE MOON RISES

Redemption

Chapter Twenty-three

"Maybe redemption has stories to tell

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here..."--Switchfoot

July 1998

Inside the sanctuary, Hermione knew she had done all she knew to do. There was nothing left there for her. She sighed heavily. She turned away from the altar at the front of the cathedral and began walking slowly up the long aisle. Her shoes clicked softly against the cold marble. She only wished the aisle would stretch on forever, because that would mean she would never reach the large heavy doors, she would never reach the outside world--a world where the harsh truth only succeeded in slicing at her fraying and frail emotions--and a world without him.

Before Hermione could reach the heavy wooden doors, the one on the right opened slowly. She halted her steps and watched. A tall man with greying brown hair stepped inside, head down and almost hidden in a black cloak. Hermione would have thought he was no one but a stranger if she had not seen the way he moved as he entered the cathedral--she had recognized such subtleties of his long ago--the graceful, tired sweeps of his hands, the long strides he took while walking, the broadness of his shoulders.

"Remus?" she whispered, afraid to speak any louder for fear that her voice would crack and betray her frailty.

He looked up at her and pushed the cloak from his face, clearly as surprised to see her there as she was to see him. How long had it been? Barely a month, she guessed; but it seemed like so much longer--surely after everything that had happened she had aged ten years...or more...that's what happened to the ones who survived the War... Hermione blinked away a vision that threatened to appear.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her, closing the heavy door, the clang of it echoed through the entire room. He studied her face while she searched for her answer. He was sad to see her face had lost the innocence of youth, but how could she not have lost such a thing...after everything she had seen? There was a new maturity to her eyes and even in her sadness Remus thought she was beautiful.

"Looking for comfort," she said quietly, toying with the button on her sleeve and not looking at him any longer.

"Did you find any?" he asked, walking even closer to her.

"No."

"Listen Hermione, I've wanted to talk--"

"I didn't come here for company, Professor," she replied coldly, looking up at him with angry brown eyes and not wanting to let him get to her, but she was fairly certain she could already feel him seeping beneath her skin. She began walking and tried to push by him.

Remus grabbed her arm and turned her around. "I'm not your professor anymore, Hermione."

"Oh really?" she said cruelly, wondering when she had become such a cynic. When did my blood turn to ice? "I thought we had decided that title lasted forever."

"Why are you acting like this?" he asked bluntly, not sure how to take this new version of Hermione. The light in her eyes was almost extinguished; the tone in her voice was harsh and unforgiving.

"This is what you wanted, remember?" She glared up at him and he could no longer handle her coolness. In fact, it pissed him off.

"This is not what I bloody wanted! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jane, get married, have a family. I wanted to grow old with James and Lily, Sirius and even Peter," he spoke Peter's name with a profound sadness that is only reserved for the deepest of sorrows. Hermione's eyes began to cloud with tears again. "I wanted lots of things, Hermione, that I could not have." He took a slow, deep, ragged breath. "I wanted to take you in my arms that night we met when you finally knew the truth about us and run away with you. I wanted to make you stay," he whispered, clearly as shaken and hovering near the edge as she.

"But you didn't," she said, her bottom lip trembling ever so slightly.

"No. No, I didn't because I wanted to save you," he admitted.

"From what?"

"Me."
"What? But why?" she asked, grabbing a nearby pew for support. Her legs were shaking badly beneath her from utter weariness--she was so very tired.

"Life was just so hard for you with the War approaching and then all the," a slight tremor entered his voice, "all the death. When it was all over, I wanted your life to be so easy. I wanted you to be with someone who could make you happy and not complicate life even more. I knew a life with me would never be...good enough."

Hermione's cheeks were wet and the tears were steadily falling. The War--the word that carried so much...such a small word...but capable of so much damage. She remembered the death toll that she would swear seemed as though it would never stop--a list of names that grew and grew and grew until she was sure there would be no one left in the world but her...and if that was the case, she wanted to grab a quill and add her name to it. But it hadn't happened. The deaths had finally stopped; the warring ceased, and there was peace. Not everyone had fallen, not dear old Professor Remus Lupin. No, she had known he was still alive, and she had thanked God and then cried to Him in angry bitter shouts the very next moment. How could He allow her to love someone so intensely and still keep them apart? And tonight, she had ended up in one of His houses, one of the havens for the sick and weary. Life was truly ironic. And she was angry as hell.

"Who are you to make that decision for me?" she yelled angrily, not caring if it was a sin to yell in this holy place. Add it to the list, she thought bitterly.

Remus had no answer to give her. He didn't even have a good excuse as to his reasoning. Some part of him thought he had been doing her a favor...and now he felt as if he'd made a grave mistake.

"I loved you, Remus. I loved you," she cried, not caring that she sounded as broken as she felt. "Don't you get it? I didn't care if a life with you meant constant suffering because I would have been with you. With you." Remus' eyes began to water. Her pain seemed to radiate off of her; he could practically feel it in the air around them, and it was suffocating. "But now it's too late for apologies," she added bitterly, wiping at her tears harshly. She was angry--angry at the needless pain, angry at the senseless killings she'd had to witness, and angry at her broken heart that had not healed.

Remus could feel his heart seizing in his chest. Was she saying it was really over? Would he lose her again? Was there no forgiveness for the weary? No peace for the damned souls?

She pushed past him and reached out for the door, but in her rage she could not leave. She turned on her heel quickly.

"No, you know what? That's not all," her voice was hard and rooms of pent up fury released their holdings as the gates in her heart opened. "I think you're a selfish son-of-a-bitch! How could you? You knew all along about us, about our love and I came to you and you turned me away. I didn't understand it then, but I do now. You didn't turn me away for my own good. No, you did it for you. And you want to know why? Because you were so afraid that you would somehow disappoint me or make my life so bloody complicated that you didn't even give me a chance! Didn't I deserve a chance, Remus?!" her voice cracked and her entire body shook with anger. Remus slowly edged closer and closer to her. "And I hate you for that. I hate you! You think you're the only one who suffers, don't you Remus? No, don't shake your head, because you know it's true! I lost them, too. I lost Lily and James and Sirius. Don't you know I loved them, too? And we all lost Peter, didn't we? Poor Pe--" she choked down a sob, "poor, stupid Peter," she paused to close her eyes and try to control the tears that were causing her to shake uncontrollably. "I lost them, too, Remus. And then I lost so many others...they died right before my eyes...I couldn't even save them...God, Remus did you have to go, too? Why? I needed you..." At that moment, her knees gave away and she collapsed onto the unforgiving marble floor, the fall jarring her. She dropped her head into her hands and cried harder than she had in quite a while.

Remus dropped down beside her and immediately put his arms around her, pulling her trembling body to his. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

"No," she said weakly, "don't touch me." She cried harder.

"Shh," he whispered, stroking her hair gently. "I'm so sorry, Hermione. I'm so sorry."

"I'm tired of being strong," she cried softly, leaning into his chest and giving up her fight with him.

"You don't have to be. I'm here for you. Just tell me what you want and I'll do anything," he said honestly.

She pulled away from him and looked into his pale blue eyes. His words reminded her of his younger self--perhaps there was still a part of who he once was left inside him.

"There has been so much death...I just want a little bit of life. Sometimes I feel like maybe I died in the War, too, and I've been walking through these days not quite dead and not quite alive...more than a ghost and so much less than what I was," she whispered, closing her eyes and fighting more tears.

Remus reached out and wiped her cheeks with his thumbs, sighing beneath the feel of her skin again. "If you're dead then so am I and then at least you aren't alone," he whispered hoarsely and she smiled at him weakly. "It could be worse, right?"

She laughed sadly and reached out to cup his cheek with her hand. "It has been." He closed his weary eyes while she ran her fingers down his cheek; she traced the outline of his lips with her fingertip, and he parted them slightly, letting a ragged sigh escape. "I have missed you," she whispered.

Remus opened his eyes, took one look at her face and pulled her into a kiss. It was a soft and gentle kiss, needy yet not forceful. He pulled away from her slightly. "Never again will you have to," he whispered against her lips. This time, she leaned into him and slid her hands into his hair. She kissed him and soon it became deep and passionate. It was a kiss borne of disappointment, despair and bitterness but it made a path for redemption and release...and life.