Before the Moon Rises

BEFORE THE MOON RISES

Bottles of Firewhisky and a Sobering Charm

Chapter Ten

"So it takes two beers to remember now

and five to forget

that I love you so

yeah, I love you, so what?" -Ani Difranco

January 1978

Sirius, James and Remus walked out back where Peter was packing a handful of snow onto the short round snowman that was his icy counterpart.

"Peter, these look pretty good," James said as Peter turned and smiled proudly at the other Marauders, "but which one is me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Sirius asked, grinning wickedly at James. He pointed to a snowman in the middle. "It's that one; the one with the big head." James frowned but the others laughed, even Remus.

"Peter, we're going to spend the afternoon in Hogsmeade. Do you want to come along?" Sirius asked.

"Oh, uh, sure. But won't we get into some sort of trouble?" Peter wondered.

Sirius shrugged. "Who knows? I'm willing to take the chance. Aren't you Remus?" Sirius asked, eyeing his friend.

"Yeah," he mumbled and then hung his head down, "it will be better than going back and facing Jane."

"What's that?" James asked.

"Nothing. Let's get going," Remus said, turning from his friends and pushing through the snow with his shoes.

* * * *

A light snow was falling as the Marauders made their way down the main street in Hogsmeade. There weren't many people about and that suited the rule breakers just fine--less people to call them out for wrong-doing.

"Can we make a stop in Honeyduke's?" James asked the others, and getting no complaints, they headed for the sweet shop.

Sirius pushed open the door and breathed in the scent deeply. He loved the smell of sweets; he smiled at the man behind the counter as he entered.

"Good afternoon Mr. Dulce," Sirius bellowed, walking over the counter and leaning against it casually.

"Good afternoon, Sirius," the shopkeeper said. "What are you boys doing out of school?" He watched the other Marauders enter his shop and begin looking around.

"Oh, just coming to buy some of the best sweets in all of Britain," Sirius said, flashing his charming smile.

Mr. Dulce eyed him carefully before smiling in return. "If anyone asks, I never saw you."

Sirius winked in reply. "I appreciate it. Got anything new?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," he said, bending down and retrieving a wrapped chocolate bar from under the counter. He handed the bar over to Sirius.

"This doesn't look new...other than the picture in the corner...is that a--"

"Yes, it's a donkey." Mr. Dulce lifted his eyebrows up and down. "Give it to your friend over there. Tell him it's a new flavor."

Sirius could see Mr. Dulce was up to something. "Okay," he said hesitantly.

"It won't hurt him, Sirius. Go ahead." Sirius took the candy bar and walked over to where his friends were shopping around.

Remus walked around Honeyduke's with as much enthusiasm as he could muster--which wasn't much. He couldn't quit thinking about Jane and what she must be thinking. He knew he should march back into the school and talk to her but he was terrified. He wasn't sure he could face the disappointment when she told him she never wanted to speak to him again. Somehow pretending that she didn't care about his affliction felt better than knowing the actual truth because deep down he knew she'd never love him the way he was hoping--how could anyone love a monster?

Remus looked up when he heard Sirius trying to get James to eat something suspicious.

"What is it?" James asked, arching an eyebrow up at Sirius.

"Mr. Dulce said it was a new flavor."

"Have you tried it?"

"Sure," Sirius said, taking a bite out of his chocolate bar--it wasn't the same kind he was offering James--but James didn't know.

"Well, okay," he said slowly, reaching out for the chocolate bar. "Is that a picture of a donkey?" James asked crinkling his brow as he pulled back the paper and took a bite.

"I think so," Sirius said, smiling broadly, waiting for what would happen next.

James chewed the chocolate and shrugged. "It takes pretty much the same--Ah!" he yelled, doubling over and dropping the candy bar onto the floor. "Oh, ouch! Son of a--!" he howled, grabbing his head in his hands.

"What's wrong James?" Peter asked, running over to his side and stopping abruptly.

When James stood back up, Sirius, Peter and even Remus burst out laughing. James had sprouted a pair of donkey's ears. James reached up and touched the ears gingerly.

"Tell me I don't have ass ears on my head! Sirius, I'm going to kill you!" James said, lurching for Sirius, who backed away quickly. James looked quickly up at Mr. Dulce. "How long do these ridiculous things last?"

"Only five minutes. You didn't eat enough to make it last longer than that. Great trick, eh?" the old shopkeeper asked.

"Yeah, bloody brilliant," James said dryly.

"I swear I didn't know what it would do, James," Sirius said honestly, still laughing.

"Don't worry, Sirius. What goes around, comes around," James said, glaring at him.

"Yeah, yeah. I know," Sirius said, patting James' back and smiling. "I fully expect you to get me back. In fact, I would be disappointed if you didn't. Just nothing painful, right?"

"When has that ever been part of the deal?" James asked, smiling for the first time. "Wish Lily could see me. She's always calling me an ass, and for once, she'd be right."

"For once?" Sirius asked skeptically.

* * * *

After James' donkey ears faded away, the boys left the sweetshop and began walking down the street. Snowflakes fell and landed softly all around. Peter walked down the street with his head back and mouth open, catching snowflakes on his tongue. Remus drug his feet lazily through the snow, still thinking about Jane. When he looked up, they were passing by Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop. In the window was a leather bound book that had been died a deep shade of scarlet. He stopped and stared at the book for a few moments before calling out to the others.

"I'm going to go in here for a minute. I want to look at something."

"Okay, we're going to walk down to Zonko's. Meet us down there?" James said.

"Sure," Remus said as he pushed open the heavy door and walked inside.

Scrivenshaft's smell reminded Remus of an antique book shop, only slightly newer. An older witch approached him smiling.

She slid her small glasses up on her nose when she stood before him and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"

"I...I wanted to take a look at the book in the window...the red one," Remus said.

"Oh yes! The leather journal," she said as she walked toward the window and Remus followed. "We got this in late yesterday afternoon. Isn't it beautiful?" she asked excitedly, placing the book into Remus' hands.

He ran his fingers over the leather. It felt cool and smooth beneath his fingers. The color was so dark it was almost black. "Is it a journal?" he wondered.

"Not just a journal. It's a very special journal. The pages will never yellow; the ink will never fade. How many journals do you know can make that promise?"

Remus would have answered that he knew of no other journals like the one in his hands but his thoughts were filled with Jane. He had seen her writing on spare sheets of parchment numerous times and he knew she wasn't doing homework--her writing was too heated, her emotions too exposed. He smiled and looked up at the witch standing in front of him. "I think she'll love it," he said, not meaning to say his feelings out loud to a stranger.

"Oh, she will? For a lady friend then?" the witch asked as she returned to her counter.

"Yeah," Remus said shyly.

"Well, you've certainly made a good choice. You really can't go wrong with this sort of gift," she replied, but he was already obsessing about Jane again. Would she even accept the gift from him?

"I can also engrave her initials on the front cover if you'd like," she said sweetly.

"Oh," Remus said, pausing to think this over, "I think that would be nice."

"What letters would you like?" the witch asked, pulling out a quill and holding it at the ready.

"H," Remus said quietly, watching her write, "J and G," he finished.

"Lovely," she said as she pulled out her wand and began engraving the deep crimson cover of the journal with gold lettering.

Remus watched her and half-smiled. The initials were the ones Jane had given him after he'd questioned her. Perhaps one day you'll be able to be exactly who you are with me, he thought sadly, if I ever get the chance to be with you again after what you've seen.

* * * *

By the time Remus left Scrivenshaft's holding the bag with Jane's gift inside, he was already feeling worse. He wondered if he was stupid for getting her something. She was a smart girl; clearly a journal would not allow him to enter her good graces again, would it? Hello Jane, I know you know that I'm a werewolf, but I've thought of a way to make it better. I've bought you a journal. Fair enough?

He raked his hands through his hair. Who was he bloody kidding? She'd probably use the journal to beat him with as she told him how disgusted she was for ever being close to him.

He pushed the door open to Zonko's with a heavy heart. Peter was at the counter purchasing something that kept whizzing loudly. Sirius and James were scouting out the new arrivals and, Remus was sure, making plans for nothing good.

He shuffled up beside them and sighed loudly without realizing it.

"Remus, you're positively depressing. This will all work out, you'll see," Sirius said, clasping his hand on Remus' shoulder. Remus smiled weakly.

"I say we all need to make a stop for some Butterbeer," James added, slapping Remus' back.

"Sounds good," Remus replied quietly, switching his bag to the other hand.

"What do you have in there?" Peter asked as he joined the group again.

"A journal."

"A journal?" James asked smirking. "Since when have you been one to write down your thoughts and feelings?"

"It's not for him, you git," Sirius said laughing. He caught Remus' eye and smiled.

"Who's it for then?"

"Jane," Peter answered gently. He tried to smile at Remus in a compassionate way of understanding. It looked more like he'd smelled something foul but Remus appreciated the gesture.

"Off to The Three Broomsticks," James said, turning and heading for the door. He waved to the shopkeeper as they exited.

* * * *

The snow was no longer falling as they walked out into the street. James led the way to The Three Broomsticks and Remus lagged behind the others, feeling the weight of his self-pity growing and smothering him minute after minute.

James pushed open the door to the pub as Sirius and Peter followed him. Remus walked in a few seconds behind them. The other boys headed straight for a secluded booth in the back corner of the room. Remus paused in the entranceway and looked around.

There was a small band playing music across the room from where the other Marauders were walking. The music was mellow and droning and exactly the melody that was playing out inside Remus' head. He sighed heavily, gripped the bag in his hand, and walked straight for the tall bar in front of him.

He climbed up on a barstool and placed the bag beside him on the bar. An elderly man walked over and grinned kindly at him. Remus was fairly positive the man behind the bar was Madam Rosmerta's father. This was even better for Remus because he knew she would never allow him the beverage he was thinking of ordering.

"Butterbeer?" the old man asked as Remus folded his hands together in front of him on the long wooden bar. He could see his reflection in the mirror behind the old wizard and it only made him feel worse. He looked like hell.

"Not today. I need something...stronger."

"Oh?"

"How about a shot of Firewhisky?" Remus asked, feeling his stomach flutter nervously. He'd never had an alcoholic drink in his life.

The old wizard eyed him carefully. "Are you old enough for something that strong?"

"Let's just say I deserve it," Remus said darkly, leaning his head against one of his hands.

* * * *

Peter slid into the booth opposite Sirius and James. He closed his eyes and bobbed his head rhythmically to the music, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Where's Remus?" James wondered.

Peter opened his eyes and looked around. He could see Remus across the room sitting at the bar. Peter pointed. "He's," he paused and frowned in confusion, "sitting at the bar."

"What?!" Sirius asked, spinning around in the booth and leaning over to see what Peter was talking about. Sure enough, Remus was sitting at the bar and drinking from a very small glass...which could only mean... "He's drinking!" Sirius growled, jumping from his seat and crossing the room quickly.

"Should we go, too?" Peter wondered.

"Nah, we'll give them a moment before we crash the party," James said, leaning back against the booth.

Sirius slid onto a barstool beside Remus and watched his friend throw back a shot of something. Remus placed the tiny glass beside three other empty ones.

Sirius leaned over and whispered, "What are you doing Moony?"

"What does it look like?" Remus replied dryly, not bothering to look at Sirius.

"It looks like you're being an idiot."

"Thanks for the support," Remus said, motioning to the old wizard. "Another one please."

Sirius frowned as the wizard behind the bar filled another glass with Old Ogden's Firewhisky. He placed the small glass down in front of Remus, who proceeded to toss it back in one gulp.

"Remus, you don't drink," Sirius said, glaring at his friend.

"And your point is?"

"My point is that this won't make things between you and Jane any better," he whispered heatedly. "This is not the answer."

"I don't remember asking for the answer, Sirius," Remus said sarcastically, leaning his head back and drinking another shot--making it a grand total of six so far.

"Moony," Sirius said more gently than before, "this won't change what's already happened. You'll have to go back to Hogwarts at some point and face Jane. This," he pointed to another full glass of the whisky, "won't change what's to be."

"Listen, Sirius," Remus said in frustration, drinking another shot before continuing, "would you just lay off me about this? I feel like shit. I look like shit and if I want to drink until I feel like ubershit, then won't you let me? This one time let me drown in my own sorrows..." his voice hitched, "...let me sit here and pretend that my brief moments with Jane were as good as it gets and now it's gone forever. Let me drink until the pain is gone, okay?"

"You can't drink this away, Moony," Sirius said gently. "It'll only bury it for it a while. Tomorrow, you'll wake up and realize it's still there."

"But tonight, I want to pretend I can drink this away," Remus said sadly, drowning another shot. Remus began taking the empty glasses, turning them over and building a house of glass. "I'm tired of kissing ass in this house of glass...I'm sick of fearing wind in this house of cards, my friend," Remus said absentmindedly, reminded of something he had heard a long time ago.

"What's that?" Sirius wondered.

"It's nothing...something I heard once," Remus mumbled, stacking another glass he'd just emptied on the top of his pyramid.

Sirius glanced at the structure Remus was building and only then seemed to realize just how many shots his friend had already had. "How many have you drunk?"

Remus sighed and began counting each glass out loud. "One...two...three...four...five...six...seven...eight...nine..." He looked up at the bartender. "Let's say we get another one of these, please. We can make it an even ten."

"Ten!" Sirius exclaimed.

The bartender placed another shot in front of Remus. He reached out and drank it quickly, the liquid barely burning his throat. "Ten," Remus said quietly, adding the glass to his building.

"How can you be so normal after ten shots of Firewhisky?" Sirius asked, completely baffled.

"The answer is easy, Padfoot," Remus said, sighing deeply and dropping his head onto the bar with a loud thud, "I can't even get pissed properly."

Sirius laughed. He didn't mean to, but Remus sounded so pathetic and it was strange that he thought drinking the night away would ease his mind--and he couldn't even get wasted correctly.

"Ah Moony, you're funny," Sirius said, patting his back. "Why do you think you the alcohol doesn't affect you?"

"Probably has something to do with my tainted blood," Remus said into the bar, not even bothering to lift his head up and talk.

James crawled onto a barstool beside Remus and stared at his glass structure. "Tell me you haven't actually had that much to drink."

"I wish I could," Remus mumbled in his arms.

James looked over at Sirius who nodded his head in agreement. "Damn Moony. Could I have one of those?" James asked the old bartender. In a minute, he sat a small glass of Firewhisky down in front of James who smiled broadly.

"Lily will kill you if you drink that," Sirius said in warning.

"One won't hurt me. Look how many Remus has had," was James' answer before he tilted the glass back and drank it in one gulp. He slapped the glass down onto the counter and coughed loudly, which he followed closely with a body shudder.

Remus had looked up to watch James and he and Sirius began laughing as James' eyes started watering.

"Well, that wasn't so bad," James said weakly before he blinked his eyes a few times rapidly and proceeded to fall backwards off of the stool.

"James?" Sirius asked, now laughing so hard, his stomach began hurting. "Are you okay?"

James grinned madly up his friends and smiled. "Yeah sssure," he slurred.

"Are you kidding me?" Remus asked, looking down at James. "Is he drunk?" he asked, looking at Sirius.

"James, recite the last ten Ministers of Magic," Sirius said.

"Uhhh..." James said, beginning to drool slightly. He looked awkward with his legs propped straight up against the barstool and his arms splayed wide out to his sides. "Daniel Ssstrugeon," he said sluggishly.

"Keep going," Sirius said as he turned around and leaned his head against his hand. "This could take him all night at that rate." Remus smiled feebly.

"Could I have another shot, please?" Remus asked the old wizard.

"I'm surprised you are still standing up, my boy," the bartender replied.

"I've got a strong tolerance," he replied. Remus spun the glass round and round his hand, spilling tiny splashes of its contents out onto his fingers. He shrugged, tilted the glass back, and drank his eleventh shot, feeling only barely affected. He ran his finger around the rim of the empty glass and his mind clouded over as he thought about Jane again.

He thought of how cute she looked when she tried to figure out a particularly difficult problem. She would bite her bottom lip in concentration and tap her quill to a song in her head only she knew the rhythm to.

He thought about how she would throw her head back and laugh loudly as if it started somewhere near her feet and gained momentum on the way up.

He thought about how she would unconsciously help others when she knew they were having trouble, even if they never asked for it. She had this innate sense of responsibility for that sort of thing.

He thought about how easily she had slipped into the folds of the intricately woven relationships of the Marauders as if she'd known them her entire life. His thoughts were interrupted by Sirius.

"What in the hell is Peter doing?" he asked loudly.

Remus turned to search out Peter, briefly hearing James muttering Ministers of Magic from the floor below him. Remus' eyes landed on Peter, who was on the small dance floor, thrashing around to the music. Remus frowned and then chuckled lightly despite his sadness.

"I believe that's what is generally referred to as dancing," Remus replied, watching Peter throw his arms around.

"Looks painful," Sirius answered as he laughed at Peter and took a swig from his mug of Butterbeer.

Madam Rosmerta opened a nearby door inside the room and walked over to her father, her smile fading as she saw the Marauders at the bar.

"What are you boys doing out of school and--" she glared at the glasses in front of Remus and then turned to her father. "Did you give these boys alcohol?"

"No," he answered, looking at Remus, "only the one."

Madam Rosmerta turned on Remus and her eyes were wide with surprise. "Remus Lupin? I am disappointed. I would have expected this from James or Sirius--"

"Hey!" Sirius interjected.

"--but not from you. You are always the levelheaded one. What is your excuse?" she asked, reaching out and clearing the glasses off of the bar in front of Remus.

Remus shrugged and stared down at the wooden top of the bar.

Madam Rosmerta took pity on the sad look in Remus' eyes. She leaned her elbows on the bar and looked at him. He glanced up and caught her eye.

"This isn't the answer," she said softly, touching his hand in a motherly fashion.

"I know," he admitted, slightly disappointed his drinking binge hadn't fogged up his head enough to forget Jane's look of horror at his transformation the night before.

"Okay, you boys need to go back to school before you get expelled," she said, standing back up and placing her hands on her hips.

"Thanks for not hexing us," Sirius said, winking at her and Remus thought for a moment that she blushed in response.

"Peter!" Sirius called as he slipped off the barstool and motioned to him. "We're going. Help me pick up James," Sirius said as the old wizard walked around the bar and pulled Remus to the side.

"You trying to drink a lady off of your mind?" he whispered, looking up to make sure his daughter wasn't watching at him.

"Is it that obvious?" Remus asked dejectedly.

The old man smiled. "I've seen that look a million times, my boy, and I think I have just the thing for you."
"You do?" Remus asked doubtfully. He watched the old wizard pull a bottle out of his robes filled with a pale green liquid. "What's that?"

"It's called the Devil's Fire," he whispered. "I think it will give you just what you were hoping you'd find tonight." He pressed the bottle into Remus' hands.

Remus looked over at Sirius who was preoccupied with Peter; they were trying to pull James to his feet unsuccessfully.

"Prongs, I swear I will hex you if you don't stand up!" Sirius growled in annoyance.

Remus twisted the silver cap off of the bottle and looked over at his friends again. A war raged inside his mind. He gritted his teeth and held the bottle tightly in his hand. He took one last deep breath before pressing the bottle to his lips and leaning his head back. He took a few giant gulps and immediately regretted it.

He dropped the bottle, spilling the pale liquid onto the floor and staining the wooden planks with wetness. He grabbed his throat and coughed harshly. The liquid scorched his throat with a cold fire as is coursed its way through his body, burning his insides and causing him to shiver uncontrollably for a moment.

His vision blurred and his head began to swim, and before he knew it, he was lying on the floor, the cold planks against his cheek. He vaguely heard voices around him calling his name but he didn't have the strength to hold his eyes open any longer. As soon as his eyes closed, a vision of Jane filled the darkness for a few seconds before everything vanished.

* * * *

Hermione paced the common room, ignoring the confused looks of students coming in and out of the room. She finally paused long enough to plop down on the couch beside Lily.

"Are they usually gone this long?" she asked.

Lily's composure finally cracked. She had tried to be strong and stoic the entire afternoon, but the sun was setting and truth be told, she was getting very worried.

"No," she said quietly, closing her eyes and trying to come up with explanations as to why they could possibly not be home yet.

"What do you think? Do you suppose something has happened?" Hermione asked, biting her bottom lip.

"I don't know, Jane," she said, twirling her wand between her fingers. "James is usually good about letting me know things. This is so unlike them all really."

"What should we do?"

"All we can do is wait. If they aren't back by midnight, we'll have to tell someone," Lily said and Hermione agreed.

Hermione's guilt over her fight with Remus kept progressively growing in her chest. She would never forgive herself if something happened to him and she'd never gotten to have a proper talk with him...

Wait a minute, she thought. Nothing can happen to Remus now. Nothing terrible at least, because he's still in the future with me. She sighed and creased her brow. She was amazed at how caught up she was becoming in the past--so much so that she was forgetting how things were in her future. Remus was still there...and the other Marauders... She didn't want to think about it, and at the moment, she was still worried about Remus and the others. After all, she didn't know everything that happened in their past.

* * * *

Hermione was sitting cross legged on the floor near the hearth trying to read the same line over again for the hundredth time in her book when a strange commotion erupted from the portrait hole very late in the evening. She placed her book in her lap and looked over at Lily quickly. They both stood expectantly, their hearts in their throats, waiting to see who entered the common room.

Peter was the first to enter and upon seeing the two girls waiting in the common room, he scurried off to his dormitory without speaking. Next was James; he stumbled into the room looking as if he'd just won the wizard lottery. His cheeks were flushed and he held out his arms lazily toward Lily.

"Lllillly," he slurred, running at her awkwardly. Lily tensed up stiff as a board as he threw his arms around her roughly. Hermione watched the interaction with a confused expression on her face. She forgot her thoughts as soon as Remus entered the room. He stared at her and began walking in her direction; her heart pounded in her chest. He took a few unsteady steps, swaying in an unknown wind, and stumbled to his knees.

Hermione, thinking he was hurt, ran to his side and knelt down. She reached out to him.

"Remus, are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"He isn't hurt," answered Sirius as he entered the common room from the darkness. Hermione glanced up at him and then back down at Remus.

Remus looked up at her and smirked in a way she had never seen him do before. It reminded her of something but she couldn't quite remember as she helped Remus to his feet and walked him to the couch. She passed James and Lily, who was calling James' name repeatedly to no avail--he would not loosen his grip on her.

Remus plopped ungracefully onto the couch and Hermione brushed his hair back from his face and smiled sweetly. He smirked at her again and it pricked at something in her mind briefly.

"Hhhey," he whispered, breathing into her face. Hermione jumped back immediately and it all made sense. His smirk--his stumble--his breath.

"Are you," she paused and looked back at James briefly, "are you drunk, Remus?" He didn't answer. He merely smiled crookedly.

Lily pushed James off of her and held her wand out toward his chest. "James Potter!" she said angrily, having realized Jane's accusation was correct. "Have you been drinking?"

"You can't be too angry with him, Lily," Sirius said, leaning casually against the wall near the hearth. "He only had one shot."

James tripped over his own feet and landed face first into the couch. He flipped over slowly and leaned against Remus.

"One?" Lily asked. "Then why is he acting like such an idiot?" she asked, glaring at James.

"He's has the absolute lowest tolerance of any person I've ever known. I think my grandmother can drink more than him," Sirius replied laughing.

"This isn't funny," Lily said, frowning at Sirius. Hermione was still looking at Remus in complete shock. She couldn't even find the right words to express what she was feeling. "And Remus?" Lily asked disbelieving. She whirled around and looked at Sirius. "Is Remus drunk? Is this your doing?"

Sirius held his hands out in defense. "Listen, Lily, Remus makes his own decisions. I'm not his master. It was his idea to have a bit to drink--"

"It was his idea?" Hermione asked, turning around and looking at Sirius quizzically.

"Yeah, Jane, it was his idea. I didn't corrupt poor little Remus," he said sarcastically. "He was feeling sorry for himself--"

"Feeling sorry for himself? Why?" Lily interrupted, ignoring the whimpering noises James was making behind her.

"Because," Sirius said, glancing down into the dancing flames, "he knows Jane saw him change," he looked up and caught Hermione's gaze, "and he assumed she would hate him now so it was his decision to drink himself into a stupor. And James doesn't have an excuse."

Lily whirled around again quickly and stared down at James and then at Remus. "Remus Lupin, I can't believe you!" she said, her voice full of anger and disappointment. She knew that Jane didn't care if he was a werewolf and that only made her more irritated. "You big, stupid, pigheaded, Troll-loving--" she rattled on before James interrupted her.

"Jane isssn't a Trollllll," James slurred.

Hermione put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "And what's that supposed to mean?" she asked angrily.

"You sssaid," he answered, pointing a shaky finger up at Lily, "that he wwwasss a Trolll-lllover, and Jane isssn't a Trollll."

Hermione closed her mouth and looked at Remus; he wouldn't meet her gaze--even in his drunken state he knew what James had said...and it was profound. He loved Jane--already--much too soon---much too quickly--much too much...

A silence passed through the group; no one knew exactly how to follow that. Hermione took a deep and shaky breath, closing her eyes as she did so.

So many feelings were running through her mind at once. She was relieved to have Remus alive and well before her, but she was so angry that she had spent an entire day worrying over him when he was sloshing back alcoholic beverages at the pub. And it was all because he was too afraid to talk to her, too busy feeling sorry for himself. She clenched her jaw. When she pulled out her wand and pointed it at Remus' face, everyone gasped in unison. Remus' eyes widened in shock.

Hermione frowned as she muttered a Sobering Charm. It only took a few seconds for Remus to instantly feel the effects of the charm. His mind defogged, bringing everything into focus--painful and clear.

Hermione wanted to say so many things to him but she didn't. Instead she turned on her heel and headed for the stairway that led to the girl's dormitories.

Remus stood to his feet, feeling as if he should go to her but unable to find the strength to do so. He watched her, secretly wishing he could quiet his noisy heart and settle the anxiety in his stomach at what he'd done.

Hermione stepped on the bottom stair and turned around before continuing. Remus was watching her closely, his eyes searching and apologetic. Her bottom lip trembled and she smiled weakly, barely forming her lips into a curve.

"It doesn't matter to me," she whispered. Then she turned and disappeared up the darkened stairwell, leaving the rest of the group to stare after her in understanding.

Her words were simple and precise and held much more weight than any other words Remus had ever heard. She didn't care that he was a werewolf. She had seen him transform; he had kept a huge secret from her...and she didn't care. Remus would have smiled if he hadn't felt so horrible for what he'd done. He turned and looked at Lily.

"She doesn't care?" he whispered, afraid if he spoke the words too loudly that Hermione's truth would disappear like smoke in the wind.

Lily shook her head in response, and Remus closed his eyes and leaned his head back, feeling a heavy chain around his soul being unwound.

"Have I totally screwed this up?" he asked quietly.

"No," Lily said, softening up slightly. "She'll forgive you. We always do, but as for you," Lily said, frowning and looking down at James, "you have some serious kissing-up to do to me tomorrow." She turned and looked at Sirius. "Why didn't you cast a Sobering Charm on him, Sirius? You're perfectly capable."

"And miss out on you giving him a tongue-lashing for it? Never," Sirius grinned. He walked over to Remus and clasped a hand on his shoulder. "I told you it would work itself out somehow. She doesn't even care that you turn into a hairy beast once a month." Remus grinned thankfully. "And who knows, maybe it will boost your sex appeal in her eyes. She might think you're an animal," Sirius winked.

"That's my cue to leave," Lily said. "Goodnight." She walked away and halfway up the stairs the boys could hear her say, "Somebody sober James up before tomorrow."

Sirius pulled James to his feet, and Remus and Sirius each slipped one of James' arms around their shoulders. They drug him up the staircase and into the dormitory where Peter was already fast asleep.

When Remus finally laid down in his bed, he was sure he'd never be able to sleep after the revelation he'd just received but he was wrong. As soon as he closed his eyes, he realized just how huge a relief it was to have finally found somehow he cared for that didn't desert him when the truth was known. And for the first time in longer than he could remember he slept peacefully through the entire night.