Where Toads Could Be Vampires

Chapter 5: Boast

Tuesday, 30 November 1976

Over two months have passed since Karen got the better of James and Sirius with her New Orleans Fire Ant Freshers. Two months filled with laughter, activity, and learning, oh yes, learning. They can not avoid it. They must plough forward, learning each day about themselves, each other and, of course, the ancient art of wizardry and witchcraft. To learn magic is, after all, the purpose for their residence at Hogwarts, in Gryffindor Tower, and the reason they are able, just now, to enjoy the comforts of the red sofa in the common room, before the warmth of the smallest fireplace, and out of the earshot of nosy classmates. They've come to learn magic.

And what, to a young man, could be more magical than a pretty girl? Very little, it seems.

"Did you know that Lily's favourite sweets are Peppermint Frogs?" James leaned back in the red sofa and crossed his ankles. "I never knew that. All along I've been getting her the chocolate ones."

"No wonder she never wanted to go out with you, Prongs. I can't believe it," Remus said dryly. "How ever did you find out?"

"Lily and I went to Honeydukes together last Saturday, and she told me while we were there."

Sirius looked up from the Potions homework he was scribbling hastily on the hearth. "You went together, huh? It looked more like you just followed her there."

"I didn't follow her. We were walking side by side. I even held the door for her and bought her a Peppermint Frog and some Jelly Slugs."

"How romantic." Sirius chuckled and went back to his scribbling.

"It was romantic," James said. "And then, before she ran off with Karen and Jane, we had a very nice conversation about the dangers of Puffskeins."

"Puffskeins?" That got everyone's attention.

James nodded. "I never noticed how creepy they are before."

"You know what I think, Prongs?" Sirius told him. "I think that if Lily told you that Quidditch was a loser sport, you would quit flying."

"What are you on about? Lily loves Quidditch. I hope she tries out for the team again next year."

"Assuming you make captain," Remus said, "I'd wager a year's worth of pocket money that she'll make the team, even if she falls off her broom."

"Wouldn't it be great?" James sighed, thinking of how those extra practices and strategy meetings would be twice as fun if Lily was right there with him.

"What would be really great is if you would help Pete with that Transfiguration essay this week," Remus told him. "Or do I have to do it again?"

"What essay?"

"The one for McGonagall. You know, on the side effects of extended transfiguration of mammals and all that."

"Prongs wasn't paying attention to McGonagall today," Sirius said. "He was too busy drooling on our desk, watching Lily suck on her quill."

Peter reached for his bag right away. "I've got some Sugar Quills if you want one. Strawberry and Lime. All you had to do was ask."

"I don't think that's the sort of sugar he's pining after."

"Shut-up, Padfoot."

"Me?" Sirius dropped his quill in the ink bottle. "You were the one doing all of that embarrassing moaning in class. Every time Evans stuck out her tongue, or put her quill in her mouth, there was Prongs going, 'mmm, Lily, yeah, baby.' It was horrific."

"I was not doing that."

"And I suppose there wasn't a big slobbery puddle all over the desk either."

"There wasn't!"

"It was so big I was swimming laps in it," Sirius said. "I had to get Camille to give me a Cleaning Charm in that cupboard after class."

"Uh huh." James rolled his eyes. "You two were discussing cleaning charms like I was drooling and moaning."

Sirius smoothed out his parchment and shrugged. "I guess there were some similarities."

"Thank you for not sharing."

"At least we have the decency to keep our 'discussions' private." He pointed his dripping quill at Remus. "Unlike Moony and his girl."

"Oh yeah." James grinned broadly and turned to the blushing boy next to him. "That was quite a show you two were putting on this morning near the portrait hole, by the way."

"That little girl of yours has got a tongue like a Puffskein, doesn't she?" Sirius said, winking enthusiastically.

Remus grunted and turned the page in his new book. "Don't talk about Margie."

"Now there's no talking about her?" Sirius sat up straight and looked around. "How many Margie Rules are we up to now?"

"Let's see...We can't look at her." James ticked them off on his fingers. "We can't touch her."

"We can't think about her," Sirius added. "We can't talk to her."

"We can't pass notes to her."

"And now we can't talk about her when she's not even around."

"We're up to six," James announced. "Can anybody spell over protective?"

"Moony." Sirius dipped his quill again. "Do you really think we're going to try to take your girl off your hands for you?"

"I think you'll try to embarrass her," Remus told them. "Actually, I think that, given enough time, you'll positively mortify her. And in the process you'll ruin everything for me. It's better if you just forget she's around."

"He's got amazing faith in his friends," Sirius said. He shook his head and went back to scribbling his homework.

James repositioned his hands behind his neck. "I don't blame him. You embarrass me about Lily all the time."

Sirius didn't look up. "Those rules aren't just for me, you know," he said.

"You won't follow any rules that I don't have to follow, so of course he made them for all of us."

"Do you really plan on following any of the Margie Rules?"

"No more than you follow the Lily Rules."

"I didn't know that there were Lily Rules." With a final flourish of his quill, Sirius capped his ink and rolled up his homework.

"Sure there are Lily Rules," James said. "Don't look at her, don't touch her, don't talk to her, don't think about her, and don't pass notes to her. I don't mind if you talk about her when she's not around, though, as long as it's respectful."

Sirius laughed. "So you don't plan on paying any attention to the Margie Rules."

"We're talking about Moony's first official girlfriend here. There's way too much potential for laughs."

Looking sideways at him, Remus flipped another page a little harder than necessary. "How very sensitive of you, Prongs."

Oh, please. "Don't pretend you didn't make a big joke out of my first girlfriend," James told him. "After I asked Emma out in fourth year, you guys didn't leave us alone until she dumped me. In fact, I believe it was you, Moony, that made her cry when you lobbed that wad of frog bogies into her hair."

Even Remus laughed at that memory. "I think that was the last time I threw frog bogies at anybody."

Peter snorted into his Pumpkin Pasty. "The fact that Emma nearly clawed your eyes out afterward might have had something to do with it."

"We used to love throwing frog bogies at people," Remus said. "It was so funny at the time."

"But so juvenile," Sirius said. "At least we've graduated to more mature forms of entertainment."

"Like stuffing frog bogies into Snivellus' ears?" Remus asked.

"He deserved it." James said. "See if he tries a Trip Jinx on me again."

"I wish Snivellus would take a page out of Regulus' book and run when he sees us," Sirius said.

"He'd have to admit defeat," James said. "And he's too stuck on himself to do that."

"Do you think anybody would miss Snivellus if I locked him in the Vanishing Cabinet for a few terms?" His homework tucked away, Sirius stretched out in his usual spot on the bearskin rug, enjoying the warmth of the hearth.

"You'd probably get an award for special services to the school," James said.

Peter looked up from the pile of sweets spread out on the floor in front of him. "I bet his mum would miss him." He had a point.

"We could let him out during the holidays," James suggested, "when we wouldn't have to see him. And the house elves could leave him some food now and then."

"Why would they want to do that?" Sirius asked.

James leaned back and pulled a new Chocolate Frog out of his pocket. "If Snape died," he explained, "he'd eventually start to rot. Can you imagine the stench?"

"Is it possible for him to stink worse than he already does?"

Ha! Good call. "You're probably right, Padfoot. Let him rot, then." He cracked open the box and let the Chocolate Frog hop into his open palm.

Remus flipped a page in the book that he had balanced on is knee, not looking up at his friends. "You can't keep somebody in the Vanishing Cabinet, you morons. It vanishes whatever you put in there."

"So much the better for Snivellus," James said.

"The ministry would throw you in Azkaban faster then you could spell Quidditch."

Sirius snickered from down on the bearskin rug. "Remember in first year when we tried to hide our Zonkos stuff in there? It was gone in a snap, and we never did get it back. Saved our hides from Filch, though."

"Ah, first-year memories," James said. "A fresh adventure around every gargoyle."

Remus grinned. "School got so much better once we knew how to get around."

"And it'll get even better as soon as we finish up the map," James added.

"Yeah." Remus finally looked up from his magazine. "I was looking that over last night. It's almost ready. I still can't believe how much of that you had finished over the summer. You guys must have spent your entire holiday on that thing."

"Pretty much."

Reaching over his head, Sirius snuck a squirming Jelly Slug from Peter's pile. "It was tricky keeping James' mum's nose out of it though. You'd think she didn't trust us or something."

James rolled his eyes. "You were the one who was stupid enough to tell her it was a school assignment. Like she would ever believe that." James Potter's mum knew better than that.

"She asked me what it was," Sirius said. "What was I supposed to say? That it was none of her business?"

"That's what I tell her."

"And that's why you're always grounded, too," he argued. "You think I wanted her sending me back to my family?"

"She wouldn't send you back. She hates your mum almost as much as you do." He snapped one of the legs off of his frog and popped it in his mouth.

"Not possible," Sirius muttered. "But I don't want to talk about her. Moony - let's have an official update on the Mission front."

"I'll second that," James said. "There's been a lot of activity this week. Did you record the firecracker attack yet?"

"I've got it." Remus pulled a notebook from his bag marked 'Mission Gryffindor Defence.'

The boys settled back to listen. "Start with Thursday," Sirius said, "when Snivellus hit Prongs with that jinx in front of Lily."

Remus nodded and smoothed out the correct page. "Thursday, 25 November 1976," he read. "10:00: From a stealth position, Arch Enemy attacked Prongs with a Trip Jinx in the west fourth floor corridor. Aggravating environmental factors included the close proximity of a certain red haired sixth-year Gryffindor. 10:15: Operation Frog Bogie Ears, impromptu retaliatory action, handled successfully. Note: The mystery of why Prongs happened to be carrying frog bogies in his pocket remains unsolved.

"Saturday, 27 November 1976. 16:00: In Hogsmeade, five sixth and seventh-year enemies (including Arch Enemy) were discovered taunting three sixth-year female Gryffindors. Enemies taunted one Gryffindor with foul names regarding her Muggle heritage. Defensive action taken immediately with mixed success. Casualties: Padfoot required a night in the Hospital Wing following an unusual Skin Nipping Curse.

"Monday, 29 November 1976. 12:35: Operation Flobberworm Soup a colossal success. Notes: Madame Pomfrey keeps enough Stomach Soothing Solution on hand for no more than twenty three doses at a time. Potions Professor required seven hours to brew additional solution. Bonus: Arch Enemy had to wait seven hours for the solution. Follow-Up Items: (1) Find a way to thank the house elves for their help and discretion regarding the special lunch. (2) Replace Professor Kettleburn's Flobberworms.

"Tuesday, 30 November 1976. 14:35: Arch Enemy attacked Prongs in Potions class through the insertion of a firecracker into said marauder's Slipping Solution. Damages quickly rectified by Professor with Traction Tonic. Note: Mixing firecrackers and Potions is an extremely stupid move. (Just like a Slytherin, isn't it?)

"Have I missed anything?" Remus scanned the others for their reactions.

"Just that we managed to keep the girls from getting hurt during the fight on Saturday," James said. "That was the main thing."

"And don't forget," Sirius added, "we found out that curse Snivellus hit me with was Dark magic."

Remus filled in the new information while Peter passed out handfuls of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. James swallowed a broccoli flavoured bean and loosened the collar of his shirt. He was sure that Lily was finally starting to appreciate everything he was doing for her. The Slytherins had been worse than ever about hassling her and the other Muggle-born students, and he and the Marauders had doubled their efforts to punish them for it. What girl doesn't like to see a guy stand up for her?

"I think Lily is starting to like me," he announced.

"You've been saying that ever since she plastered you with mashed potatoes two months ago," Sirius said. He didn't look convinced.

"I really mean it this time," James insisted.

"What makes you say that?" Sirius asked. "Was it the dirty looks she kept giving you in charms?"

"It was the way she forgave me for the Flobberworm thing after she saw Snivellus sabotaging my potion this afternoon."

"Lily saw that?"

"She told Professor Slughorn who did it, but he just laughed it off, and that got her all mad."

"Aww," Sirius cooed. "Lily wants to see justice for her little Prongs."

Remus snorted. "If Prongs got justice, he'd be expelled."

"Like you'd fare any better, Moony," James said. "Anyway. The point is that she came up and talked to me about it afterwards and isn't mad at me anymore. I think she's finally starting to see what a greasy scumbag Snivellus is."

Sirius gave a little cheer. "Now the next step," he said, "is to get her lusting after Prongs. Then we'll finally get some peace around here."

"Like that's going to happen anytime soon," Remus said.

"Hey now!" It wasn't that far fetched. Was it?

"I actually had a new idea this morning in History of Magic," Remus told them. He closed the record book and crammed it back into his bag. "You know how Binns kept going on about all those world leaders who had arranged marriages? Why don't we talk James' parents into hooking him up in an arranged marriage with Lily? Then it wouldn't matter if she liked him or not."

"Oh yeah." James rolled his eyes. "And then she'd just hate my guts forever. That's just brilliant, Moony."

"I'll have to side with Prongs on this one," Sirius said. "Prongs would never get any action at home if Lily hated him all the time."

James coloured a little, but Remus laughed. "When you think up something better," Remus said, "let me know. If I have to hear the Hogsmeade/Peppermint Frog story one more time my head is going to spin off."

He didn't think he'd really told it that many times...had he?

Crossing his legs in front of him, Sirius lit up with an idea. "Remember the other night when we caught some third years playing Spin the Bottle? What if we got Lily to play a game like that and rigged it so that she had to kiss Prongs every turn. After a few magical kisses she'll come back begging for more."

Remus frowned. "Even assuming Prongs was that good of a snog - which I really don't want to think about - Lily would never play Spin the Bottle. You'd have to put her under the Imperious Curse or something."

"We could get one of her friends to dare her to do it," Sirius argued.

"No we couldn't. They would never turn on her like that. And Lily would never knowingly snog Prongs."

"So get her to snog him without knowing it's him."

"Like how?" Remus looked sceptical.

"I don't know." Waving his arms around, Sirius floundered for an idea. "Dress him up in a costume."

"Okay. Sure." Remus started to chuckle. "A freak in a costume shows up and Lily is suddenly going to swoon over him."

"She might if everybody was in costume. I heard somebody talking about a masquerade they went to over the summer. Maybe we could get Dumbledore to have one of those at Hogwarts. Mystery James could sweep her off her feet."

"Sorry. Not going to happen." Remus was convinced.

"Which part?" Sirius asked him. "The masquerade or the sweeping?"

"Both. Dumbledore would never up and decide to have a Masquerade Ball - especially if it was our idea. What we really need to do is help Lily get inside his head so that she understands him. She might actually like him if she could figure him out."

"What do you mean get inside his head? Like have them switch bodies or something?"

Remus shuddered. "That would be extremely creepy."

"But he'd get to see her naked that way," Sirius reasoned.

"And we'd probably go to Azkaban. You can't do body switching type stuff without major Dark magic."

"Point taken."

"You know," Remus wagged a finger at Sirius. "Lily is a shoo-in for Head Girl next year. Maybe we can get Dumbledore to make Prongs Head Boy so they have to do more stuff together."

"Yeah! And we could lobby for the Head Students to get their own tower to sleep in - with a joint bath! Then the love magic could really happen. What do you think, Prongs? Prongs? Where'd he go?"

Peter pulled a fat, green lollipop from his mouth. "Prongs said he was going to bed and that when you guys were done being stupid he'd let you into the dorm."

"Oh that's nice," Sirius said. "We slave away over ideas to get him together with his dream girl and he doesn't even have the decency to hear us out."

"We're entirely under-appreciated."

"Think we should go jump on his bed?"

"Definitely."