Wizarding Betrothal

Chapter 13: Understanding Prongs

The back door banged open and James glanced over to see Sirius sauntering down the steps, lighting up a cigarette with his wand. How could anybody look so calm and collected when his own mind was swirling in chaos?

Giving James a short nod of acknowledgement, Sirius stopped a little ways off and shoved a hand in his pocket, staring out into the lawn.

"A while after you ditched me," Sirius said, "I heard an elephant running up the stairs. I figured it was your fault."

"What makes you think I did something to her?"

Sirius chuckled deeply before taking a slow drag off his cigarette. "Just a hunch."

James didn't answer; he just set his jaw and looked away. It was his fault; he'd been so close and he'd ruined it. He'd gone too fast and scared her away. Swearing loudly, James lashed out at an unsuspecting tree, painfully bruising his toes. It didn't help much.

"What'd you do, anyway?" Sirius drawled as James hopped around on one foot, still cursing.

"I kicked the stupid tree."

"No kidding. I meant what did you do to Lily?"

James gingerly placed his foot back on the ground and closed his eyes, wincing. What had he done to Lily? That was easy: he'd done everything he'd meant to avoid. The real question though, was 'why?' Why had he done that to Lily? Why had he done that to himself?

He limped over to the low garden wall and leaned back against it, rubbing his eyes. At some point last summer, James figured he had it all planned out just right. If Lily wanted to play her little game of hard-to-get, fine, he would play. It wasn't such a bad idea anyway. He would get to show her just how terrific he was: handsome, witty, popular, intelligent, wealthy, humble, and generally perfect for her. She would fall head over heels in love with him, like most girls did...well, like they did when Sirius wasn't around to distract them anyway. Then, not only would he fulfil the contract, but he would also have an adoring little wife to boot. So simple. Only thing was it didn't take long to find out that Lily wasn't quite as simple as the other girls he knew. In fact, she was downright complicated.

Opening his eyes, James watched Sirius flick the ashes of his cigarette into an empty flower bed. Persuading women to do what he wanted had always come easily to Sirius; he never had to think about it. Anytime he had followed any of Sirius' advice about women however, James had somehow screwed it up - either that or the advice was bad. He'd finally stopped listening to anybody but Remus. That still didn't stop Sirius from offering his opinions unsolicited - as lascivious as they were.

Even Sirius had voiced misgivings about Lily's youth, though. James had been a bit surprised when he had discovered how young Lily was - only fifteen. He knew that in a few years the age difference would not be a problem, but for the time being it was an odd hurdle. James couldn't think of her in a...well, in the way that a man should be able to think of his fiancée. She was so innocent and sweet. It was just wrong. The whole situation was wrong; but what could he do?

A swish of wind chilled his skin and he stood up, stretching out his cold legs and breathing deeply. For the first time, James found himself doubting the wisdom of his father's decision to betroth his son. Mr. Potter had been so convinced that this was the best path; James had always believed that too. But sitting there in the Evans' garden...he wasn't so sure. If only his dad was still around - he'd know exactly what James needed to do. Everything had always seemed so clear when Mr. Potter explained things. Without him, everything felt muddy.

Sirius Vanished the butt of his spent cigarette and leaned on the porch railing. "She'll forgive you, you know. Lily's a nice kid like that."

"Maybe." Lily was one of the most compassionate girls he'd ever met, but he'd seen that look on her face - she didn't want to forgive him.

"She will."

"I kissed her," he admitted. James leaned back up against the wall again.

Sirius shot him a look of surprise and then shook his head, drawing out another cigarette. "Prongs, you've been off women way too long."

"Tell me about it."

They sat in silence for a moment before Sirius began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"It just occurred to me," Sirius said, trying to stifle his smirk, "with Lily running off like that and all, you must be one horrible kisser."

"Shut up, you stupid prat. She liked it." At least he thought she did. He certainly liked it anyway; holding her small form in his arms had made him feel peaceful and excited all at once. That was probably just a premature victory sensation; he'd been so sure he finally had her.

"You're sure about that? I mean, running off mad isn't exactly what pleasantly snogged women usually do."

"She didn't get mad because of that, you idiot."

"Okay then, Prongs, what happened? You didn't bring up her little boyfriend at school did you?"

"No! I've already told you I don't believe that lie." Several weeks back, James had started getting owls from a wizard maliciously accusing Lily of carrying on a secret romance with one of her classmates: some guy called Benji Summers. Of course, it hadn't taken all that much effort to trace the letters back to Regulus Black. With the sort of history Regulus had, James wasn't about to believe him over Lily. It was a no-brainer.

"I don't believe it all either," Sirius said, "but I still think there's got to something behind it. I've heard Regulus pile it on enough times to know when he's telling at least a half-truth."

"I don't trust him," James said sharply. "I trust Lily. She wouldn't do that to me, Padfoot. She promised."

"I know. I know."

James sighed and stretched a muscle in his neck. "She asked me if I was in love with her," he blurted out.

Sirius looked horrified; in his opinion, that was the question of death. "What did you say?"

"The truth."

"The truth? That never works, Prongs!" Trust Sirius to say that.

"I'm not going to lie to Lily."

"And you shouldn't, she doesn't deserve that," Sirius said. "But there's only two ways to answer that sort of question from a woman, mate. You either dodge or you lie. With a nice girl like Lily, that means you dodge. Anything else just gets you into trouble!"

James looked at his friend incredulously. "You're the one who told her last summer that I wasn't in love with her!"

"Wrong. I told her that I didn't say you were in love with her. See? That's a dodge."

"She was reading me like a scroll, Padfoot. I didn't have to say anything. She just knew. I think she's known all along."

Sirius gave him a sympathetic look. "That bites, mate."

"She got really ticked off - like I'd betrayed her or something." The thought made James sick. "I don't know what to do."

"You could always tell her what happens if she breaks the contract. You know she'd come around faster than a hooker in Knockturn Alley."

"Don't compare Lily to a hooker!" James growled. Nobody was allowed to talk about his Lily like that, not even Sirius! How dare he!

"Sorry!" Sirius held his hands up in surrender. "You know that's not how I meant it!"

Grunting, James looked away. Yeah, he knew it. Couldn't a guy feel cranky sometimes?

"You'll have to tell her eventually," Sirius added.

"No I don't."

"Stop putting yourself through this, Prongs. Just tell her. Make everyone's lives easier."

"I just don't want her to resent me her whole life. That's what she'll end up doing if she only marries me out of pity."

"Who cares if she's madly in love with you or not?"

"I do."

"So what if she even hates your guts?" Sirius argued. "Do you really think you'd be happier spending five years of your life in Azkaban? Half the wizards that wind up there don't even last the first year."

That was true. It was also the reason why magically binding contracts were rare; few wizards wanted to risk it. The standard penalty for breaking that sort of contract was five years with the Dementors. Five ghastly years. Stricter agreements existed of course, but they involved dark magic - something the Potters would never touch.

James' father had signed the firmest contract he could. Not only did that kind of personal commitment lend a huge amount of credibility to his controversial research project, but he had also considered protecting Lily Evans important enough to warrant the risk. She was worth it. As the only signing wizard, Mr. Potter was solely responsible for seeing the contract fulfilled. With his untimely assassination, however, that responsibility passed to his son. It was up to James.

James felt like he was walking a horrible tightrope. If Lily didn't marry him, he would face the horrors of wizard prison and would most likely lose his sanity, possibly even his life. If he used that information to convince Lily to accept him, she would hold it against him forever. He didn't think he could bear that. He'd been hoping to win Lily over without ever telling her his dilemma - score two goals with one move, so to speak. In the end, however, if she wouldn't come around, he'd have to tell her. There was no way he was going to go to Azkaban. There was no way he was going to give up his whole life because of a girl. In a very real sense, Lily was absolutely everything to him.

Realising that he was pacing in circles, James stopped and raised both hands to scratch his head. "I've still got loads of time. Years, even."

Sirius nodded and looked away. "Just don't screw this up, Prongs. I don't want to have to go and bust your antlers out of prison."

James couldn't help but chuckle. "You think you could do it, huh?"

"Sure. Between Moony and Wormtail and me, we could pull it off. But it'd be a beast of a chore," he said. "I'd rather not." He flicked his ashes into the flower bed again with an air of indifference. What a faker; James knew his best friend always got stressed out when the subject came up.

"Nice to know you care."

"Whatever. It'd be nicer if you'd stop standing around here like a moron. Go find Lily and start apologising!"

"What am I supposed to apologise for, Padfoot? I don't even know."

"It doesn't really matter much. Just keep saying you're sorry until she tells you what you're sorry about. Chicks are usually helpful like that."

James wondered if that would actually work; Lily might be too smart for that kind of thing. At least an effort was better than nothing anyhow, but he'd have to find her first.

"Where do you think she went?"

"Like I would know," Sirius said. "You're the one who stalked her all summer."

"Ha, ha." Very funny. It would've only been stalking if she didn't want him around. She did like having him around, didn't she?

Trying to suppress a grin, Sirius shrugged.

"Are you going to hang around here till we get back?" James asked.

"Nah. I think I'll pop over to the Lupin's for a minute. I'll be back in time to eat, though."

"When is that?"

"Lily's mum says we're eating at noon," Sirius said. "That'll give you plenty of time to straighten out your girl."

"I'd better get going then. See you later, Padfoot."

"Good luck, Prongs." With a tiny pop, Sirius Disapparated and James found himself alone once again.

Groaning, he scratched his scalp roughly and looked into the sky. Clouds were edging their way in menacingly, and Lily was out in it. What a mess.

First he tried the beach. There was that one section that Lily was always wandering over to, but he didn't see her there. Good thing too, because it was bitter cold down by the water. Next he tried the Swamp, which ended up being deserted.

The only other place that James could think of to look for Lily at was Mike Johnson's house. If she wasn't there, maybe he would have to start roaming the neighbourhood shouting her name. Wouldn't she love that.

Without his invisibility cloak, the only safe place to Apparate on Mike's street was several blocks away from his house. So there James was, trudging up an empty street, wondering about the complicated girl who was leading him on a wild goose chase all over town. He had no idea what he was going to do when he actually found her. It all depended on how angry she was still was.

James rubbed his cold hands together and shoved them deep inside his pockets. Why did Lily get mad at him anyway? Why did she care so much that he wasn't in love with her? It wasn't like she was in love with him either. She'd made that perfectly clear.

Lily was a sweet girl, though. Any guy would be lucky to have her. But she wanted to be in love. Love. What's the big deal about Love anyway? Girls liked it - he knew that much. They lapped up all that romance and flowers and garbage; but it was easy to dole out that kind of stuff; all it took was money. Somehow James didn't think Lily would put as much stock in that as other girls did, though. She wanted something more.

Growling with frustration, James marched across an intersection while glaring at his damp shoes. Whenever he heard people talk about Love beyond 'romance', all they ever talked about was passion and fire and sexuality. He couldn't help it if he didn't feel that with Lily. Not that she wasn't beautiful, gorgeous even - because she was. And it wasn't that he didn't enjoy being around her; in fact, James missed her terribly when she wasn't with him. He just couldn't think about her quite like he would expect to if he were in Love. Instead, he wanted to protect her, make her happy, keep her all to himself...

James stopped and looked around. While he'd been distracted and watching his shoes, he'd walked straight past Mike's house without noticing; he'd have to double back three houses. Hopefully she was still there - if she'd been there at all.