Wizarding Betrothal

Chapter 12: Yuletide Irony

"Ooh! Thank you, Sirius! They're perfect!"

The traditional opening of Christmas gifts was in full swing at the Evans' home, and Lily was sitting on the floor amid mountains of discarded wrappings while she hurried to try on her new sandals.

"There's something else," Sirius said. "Look in the box again!"

Digging through rumpled sheets of red tissue, she extracted a thin slip of parchment with red writing. 'Good for one free foot massage from Sirius Black.' Lily burst into giggles. That was way too cute.

"Are you any good?"

Sirius leaned back up against the couch, folding his arms. "The best, I'm told."

"Why did you put 'free'?" Lily asked. "Do you usually charge?"

"You better believe it, sugar." Sirius winked suggestively.

"How much?" Now she was curious.

"Can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"James would kill me if I corrupted you with that kind of information."

"What is that?" James asked.

"It's an offer to give me a massage."

"What?" Spinning around to face Sirius, James' face began to turn red.

"Not that kind of massage, Prongs." Sirius rolled his eyes and help up his hands. "A foot massage. Perfectly innocent. I swear!" Were they insinuating what she thought they were insinuating? Lily felt her face heat up.

"I want to be there," James demanded. He was acting like a jealous boyfriend.

Sirius remained completely cool. "That's entirely up to Lily, Prongs." They both looked at her. Alrighty then. Lily was feeling just a touch uncomfortable. Maybe she didn't want the foot massage after all.

"Sure," Lily said. Whatever that meant. "James, you haven't opened the one from me yet." James' eyes lit up as Lily pushed a heavy gold package towards him.

Shoving through some crumpled paper, she crawled closer to him on the carpet while he ripped the gift open. "I wasn't sure if you'd like it, but I thought it was kind of cool, so I took the chance. So what do you think?"

James was holding a thick book labelled 'The Most Ancient and Boring History of Stinksap.' "Umm...it's really...I...It's...I don't know what to say." He looked adorably flustered and Lily watched as he shot a hasty 'help me' glance at Sirius.

"Aww...Prongs is so polite!" Sirius got a glare for his 'help' while he watched the scene before him.

Lily just couldn't take it any more. Dissolving into giggles, she leaned over and opened the book to point out a spell scribbled on the inside front cover. "You'll have to do it," she managed to spit out through her laughter.

Once James had pulled out his wand and pronounced the incantation, the cover of the book reversed back to the original title: 'Modern Team Sports, a Beginner's Handbook.'

"Whew!" James pushed his fingers through his hair with obvious relief. "You had me worried for a minute there!"

Sirius was cracking up; he'd been in on the joke all along.

As James flipped through the pages, his eyes started sparkling. "Hey, this is a Muggle book! It's all about Muggle sports!"

"You didn't think I'd get you a beginner's book on Quidditch, did you?" Lily said. "Look at the bookmarks!"

"Are these tickets?"

"Yeah. To a football game - you can read about that in the book. They aren't great seats or anything, but I think you'll like it."

"Thanks, Lily." Catching her by surprise, James pulled her into a two-armed hug that put an end to her residual giggles. Lily shyly slid her own arms around his back in return and found her cheek pressed up against the side of his hot neck. He was so warm and cuddly...she wouldn't mind staying right there for a while. Lily felt a surprising sense of loss when he drew away from her.

Hello! It was James she was hugging! And there were five other people in the room! Her brain crashing back to reality, Lily avoided James' direct gaze while she felt her face heat up yet again. That was not nearly so embarrassing, though, as what came next.

"James, darling," Mrs. Potter said, attracting their attention. Their parents and Petunia were grouped on the sofas on the other side of the parlour. It seemed that they had all outgrown sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree. Each of them was turned towards James and Lily with interest.

"James, darling, have you and Lily decided on what time of year to plan the wedding?"

Choke. Gasp. Stare. Did she just say that?

"No, ma'am." James answered. "We haven't talked about it."

As he spoke, Lily became aware that she was sitting so closely to James that their legs were touching. She lurched backwards to her original seat by the tree; her whole body was burning with embarrassment. Who brought up stuff like that on Christmas morning anyway? James mum did, obviously.

Mrs. Potter wasn't finished. "Yes, well, you do have a bit of time still. Let me know when you've decided." She returned her attention to the other adults who resumed what was clearly an ongoing discussion of the expected nuptials.

"It must be before he turns twenty five then?" Mother was asking. "That gives Lily just a year after she leaves school..."

Lily didn't need to hear any more. She needed to move.

Picking herself up from the floor and hastily brushing off a collection of ribbons that were tangled about her body, Lily hustled through the door and into the hall while trying to ignore the continuing 'wedding talk.' Since their initial blowout, Lily had never directly told her parents that she had no intention of marrying James. They would get the idea eventually - there was no point in arguing the matter. She simply wouldn't allow herself to be forced into a marriage without love. What sane person could have a problem with that?

Father's deep voice was calling for James' attention and Lily sighed, knowing he wouldn't be following her. Was she relieved or disappointed? Did it matter?

Lily inhaled the crisp, sunny air as she pushed out the back door and tromped down the steps. Why couldn't she have a normal, uncomplicated life like everyone else? Normal parents didn't try to make their daughters get married right out of school. Normal girls got to date whoever they wanted. Normal girls actually got proposed to by men who loved them. If Lily's parents had their way, she would never even get a proposal; she'd just cave to their marching orders. And speaking of proposals, if she was supposedly engaged, why didn't she have an engagement ring with a big fat diamond on it? Agitated, Lily kicked at a pile of dead, icy leaves that had been swept to the side of the garden path.

"Your slippers are going to be soaked if you keep doing that," James' voice snuck up behind her.

Sure enough, Lily looked down to find her blue slippers covered in muddy, kicked apart leaves. She pulled her hands out of her pockets and wrapped her arms around herself, not looking at James, but not walking away from him either. How did he get there anyway?

"Why didn't you grab a coat on your way out, Lily? You're going to freeze to death." Sensing him draw nearer, Lily glanced up just enough to see James holding out his jacket for her.

"I'm not cold." That was a lie; she was getting colder by the minute.

James ignored her and draped the jacket around her shoulders. They stood in silence, staring out into the frozen garden. It was eerily quiet for mid-morning and Lily felt unnerved by the silence. She wondered why James had followed her outside just to stand there and not say anything. Following a sharp shiver, Lily slipped her hands through the arms of the jacket and pulled the front closed against her chest. It was his leather one; the worn collar was soft against her cheek and she pulled it up a little closer. Lily felt warm already.

"Lily," James finally said. "I'm sorry about before, in the parlour. I wish she hadn't brought it up. I haven't exactly told her that you aren't real happy about the idea of our marriage. It would upset her too much."

"It's okay."

Another moment passed in silence before James spoke again; his voice was strained. "Would it be so horrible...being with me, I mean? Do you hate me that much?" He wasn't looking at her - in fact, he seemed fascinated with a frosty bush - but his face was dead earnest.

"Is that what you think, James? That I hate you?" Lily was appalled; she felt sick to her stomach at just the thought.

"I never know what to think with you," he said. "One minute I think you might actually like me and the next minute you run away. It's like you can't make up your mind."

"I can't."

"You can't?"

If she had to repeat herself she would choke him. He didn't seem to expect an answer though; perhaps he was just digesting the thought.

Eventually, James did speak again. "What would help you make up your mind?"

Good question. Lily expected to have to think fairly hard about that one, but the answer came to mind surprisingly quickly.

"I need to know what you think of me," Lily said, becoming interested in the frosty bush herself. "You say you want to marry me, but you treat me like a little sister. It's confusing. I don't really know what you want from me." She was being starkly honest just then; she wondered how truthful James would be in return.

He stepped closer. Bending to look into her down-turned face, James tipped up her chin. "I was afraid of pushing you too fast. I don't want to push you away."

"You can't push me anywhere I don't want to go," Lily said. She wasn't quite so sure she believed that statement when James fingers moved to her neck.

His knuckles were barely grazing her throat while his thumb traced her jaw, tickling her skin. Everything about Lily just then felt unbelievably tense and uncontrollable. Unable to move, let alone think, Lily watched as James slipped his other hand into the jacket pocket and laced his fingers with her own. Leaning down, he nuzzled his cheek against hers and she felt his hot breath drawn towards her mouth. It was a soft kiss, gentle and hesitant, repeated several times; each equally chaste and sweet, each applied with greater confidence. When James leaned his forehead against Lily's she took a deep breath and dropped her head to his shoulder.

It was the oddest feeling in the world: like she was limp, but yet alive at the same time, body and soul. She was composed, yet on fire. Matt had never made her feel that way. Benjamin...well, Lily doubted that Benjamin could make her feel that way either; as adoring as he was, he never touched her spirit the way James did. Kissing wouldn't change that. She knew that at last. Just like James had told her last August, she could never be so content with anyone but him. He was right. Good grief! Lily sighed and scrunched up her face. He was right.

James withdrew his hand from their pocket and wrapped both of his strong arms around her back, like he wanted to keep her right there forever. Like holding her close sustained his very life. Was that what love felt like? Lily was suddenly consumed with a burning need to know the answer.

"James?" Lifting her head, Lily looked up, her eyes imploring him for honesty. "If it weren't for the contract, would you still pick me?"

He stared at her as though the concept of choosing someone else was entirely foreign to him.

"I mean," she tried again, "are you in love with me?"

A thousand hours passed in a single moment, and a thousand unspoken words passed from his eyes to hers, and she knew the answer. His suppressed panic told her all she needed to know. She took a step back.

Finally, James spoke: "I want to be." His words seemed to echo in her ears, chafing her. He wanted to be...

"But you're not."

He opened his mouth but nothing came out; she'd caught him, and she hated it. It made her sick.

Lily took another step backwards while she fought the pressure building in her throat - too late; it was already spreading to her stomach.

"Why are you doing this to me?" she whispered.

"Lily, the last thing in the world that I want is to hurt you." James reached for her again as he said this, but she backed away.

"Then why are you trying so hard to get me to marry you if you don't even care about me?"

"I do care about you. You mean everything to me, Lily."

"Can you even hear yourself, James?" Lily groaned with frustration. "You're nothing but contradictions. You're so confusing - you know that?" Lily stepped back again and stumbled on the porch step before turning towards the house; her head was swimming and her anger was building.

"Lily, please wait. I can explain!"

Stopping in her tracks, Lily wheeled around. "All right then, let's hear it."

But he was at a loss for words. "If I ...we...do you even..." James scratched his scalp in agitation. "Please don't give up on me, Lily. Not yet. This is too important."

"Gee, thanks. That really clears things up." Leaving him in the garden, Lily charged into the house and up the stairs to her bedroom. Her stomach was twirling like she'd just stepped off of a rollercoaster. Why had she let James start to affect her? It was all her own fault he'd gotten so close.

Lily hastened to switch her pyjama bottoms for blue jeans and hauled on her boots before thrusting open the doors to the balcony. Luckily, she'd left James on the opposite side of the house. Swinging her legs over the rail, she lowered herself down to the planter and jumped to the ground.

Somehow James had managed to dodge the real question that was throbbing in Lily's mind: why did he want to marry her if he didn't love her?

Curling her fingers in her pockets, Lily headed for the back gate. She needed to get away for a little while. Maybe she would go see Mike; he always knew what she needed, even when Lily didn't.

Meanwhile, a very cold James paused in the process of kicking himself just in time to watch a relatively small redhead dash through the garden gate - a redhead wearing an over-large black leather jacket. She was leaving just as fast as she could.

James felt his heart breaking into pieces. What had he done?