That Story with a Happy Ending

For a moment silence reigned as the two girls just looked at one another. Then, with one motion, they turned around and began hurrying their way down the hill, back to the lake.

'I can't believe you killed a Mary Sue,' gasped Ginny as they ran, sounding as though she were in shock.

'She might not be dead!' Hermione protested feebly, putting on an extra burst of speed. They reached the bottom of the cliff as she spoke, and Ginny stopped running to stare at her.

'Right,' she said dryly. 'Because people's necks are supposed to look like that.'

Hermione looked at the figure on the ground and swallowed, suddenly feeling rather sick. 'All right,' she muttered, 'she's dead. But let's not overreact here.'

'Overreact? You killed a Mary Sue!'

'Yes!' said Hermione, waving her hands about. 'That's the point! For goodness sake, it's not as if she's real! She's only fictional! And everyone hates her anyway, they're probably glad that she's dead!'

'Only fictional?' said Ginny pointedly. 'Hermione, we're only fictional. How would you like it if someone came along and shoved you off a cliff?'

Hermione glared at her friend. 'Look, whose side are you on here?'

'I'm not on anyone's side! I just...' She paused.

'Okay,' said Hermione, beginning to feel a bit less panicky. 'We just need to calm down and figure out what to do next.'

Ginny raised an eyebrow. 'We?'

'If I'm going down for this,' said Hermione grimly, walking over to the figure on the shore, 'you're coming with me.'

'Why are you going through her pockets?' Ginny followed her and crouched down on the other side of the body.

Hermione sighed and stopped. 'I'm trying to find out who she is.'

'But she told us who she is,' Ginny pointed out.

'Really? Were you listening?'

'Um...'

'Precisely,' Hermione said and resumed her search. 'I'm hoping she's another one of Sirius' long-lost daughters, or one of Snape's, and they haven't found out that she exists yet, as that way no one will miss her...Aha!' She pulled a purse out of the Sue's pocket and flourished it in triumph. 'Let's see...Serenity Rosabella...blah blah blah...Kemp?'

Ginny looked at her in surprise. 'Her name's Kemp? What kind of name is that for a Sue?'

Hermione was hardly listening, beginning to feel sick again. 'Kemp...she's the daughter of the new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor.'

'Really? How do you know that?'

'Dumbledore announced it at breakfast this morning, weren't you listening?'

'Um...'

'Never mind. The point is, Professor Kemp is a very important person - rich, powerful - and probably isn't going to be too happy about losing a daughter.'

'Even this one?'

'Even this one.'

'Oh.'

There was silence for a moment as they both looked at the body, each reflecting how infuriating it was that, even with her legs splayed under her and her head at a strange angle to her neck, the Sue still managed to look delicately beautiful. Indeed, despite the shortness of her skirt and the angle that she had landed at, you couldn't even see her knickers.

'What's that?' said Hermione after a while, suddenly spotting something glinting on the Sue's hand.

Ginny shrugged, leaning over for a closer look. 'Ring of some kind. I don't know, probably a family heirloom of some important pureblood family that she's descended from, or a keepsake that Sirius or Snape or Professor Lupin gave her real mother...Why?'

Hermione, ignoring the question, peering closely at the ring - or at least as closely as she could without touching the Sue's hand. 'It can't be...' she said wonderingly.

'Can't be what?'

Hermione looked up. 'Do you know what this is?' she asked.

'No,' said Ginny patiently, 'what is it?'

'I think this is an Avatarus Ring!' Hermione said excitedly, and then rolled her eyes at Ginny's blank look. 'Honestly, don't you read? I've seen drawings of them...They're legendary - a lot of wizards don't actually believe they exist - but they're supposed to be extremely powerful magical objects. If you put one on, you become instantly beautiful and graceful, and they're supposed to give you strength and intelligence and magical powers and all sorts...of...things...' She trailed off and for a moment the two girls just stared at each other.

'Mary Sues?' said Ginny, raising an eyebrow. She looked down at the body and back up at Hermione. 'Do you think they all have these rings?'

'Well, let's not get too carried away here,' Hermione said firmly. 'No one's heard of an Avaturus Ring actually existing for centuries. As I said, most wizards agree that they were never more than a legend in the first place.'

'But if they weren't...' said Ginny, and she leaned over towards the ring, hand outstretched.

'Ginny!' said Hermione, slapping the other girl's hand away in shock. 'You can't steal from a dead girl!'

'Even a Sue?' said Ginny. 'Come on, aren't you curious?'

Hermione hesitated for a second, and Ginny grinned at her. Then, before Hermione could stop her, she had reached forward and pulled the ring off.

'You can't...' Hermione began, but was stopped in her tracks by the sight before her. The transformation had not been gradual - no poetic descriptions about melting snow here - but had been instantaneous, as though someone had flipped a switch. One moment the body before them was a typical Sue, stunning and elegant, even in death, and then the next moment, a fairly ordinary girl was lying there, looking, well, dead. She was still in the same clothes, which was a tad unfortunate, as the girl now lying there was at least a couple of sizes bigger and a completely different shape. Hermione had to turn away, in fact, feeling rather sick again, and Ginny didn't look much better.

'You know,' said Ginny after a moment's silence, 'she looks a bit like you.'

Hermione stared at her friend in horror. 'What?'

'Well, not very like,' said Ginny hastily, 'you're much prettier, of course...but the hair and the eyes are quite similar. And the nose.'

Hermione looked back at the body and fought down a wave of nausea. 'Well, I don't see the resemblance my...what are you doing?' she exclaimed as Ginny slid the ring onto her own finger.

'Trying it out, of course. How do I look?'

Hermione looked her up and down and shrugged. 'Exactly the same. Do you feel any different?'

'No,' said Ginny, sighing and taking it off. 'It must be faulty.'

'Or you have to say a spell or something to activate it.' She caught the ring as Ginny threw it to her and held it up to look more closely. 'It's definitely an Avaturus Ring though; the markings are quite distinctive...' She struggled with her own conscience for a moment before sliding the ring onto her own finger.

'Er, Hermione...' Ginny began.

'I know what I said, but this is an amazing discovery. I wonder...' She got her wand out of her pocket and pointed it at the ring. 'Let's see now...'

'Er, Hermione...'

She looked up. 'What?'

'Um,' said Ginny slowly, 'I think it worked.'

Hermione stared at her. 'You do?'

Ginny nodded. 'Go and have a look in the lake.'

Swallowing nervously, Hermione edged around the dead Sue and leaned over the water to see her reflection in the lake. 'Oh.'

'Do you realise,' said Ginny in disbelief, 'that you look exactly like she did? Seriously, you could be twins.'

'Really?' Hermione frowned. 'Doesn't that strike you as a bit convenient? Slightly contrived, even, for the sake of the plot?'

Ginny sighed. 'Maybe. I have to say, I don't trust this author.'

'I know,' said Hermione, 'like the singing wasn't bad enough...' She turned back to look at the body and groaned. 'First things first. We put the ring back on her body, and go back up to the school to find Dumbledore.'

'And what are we going to tell him?' said Ginny sceptically. 'He's a Legilimens, he'll know that you killed her.'

'I didn't kill her,' said Hermione, tugging at the ring on her finger, 'it was an accident. Maybe we should find Professor Kemp first, though...' She stopped, a sinking feeling in her stomach. 'Um...Ginny...?'

'What?'

'I can't get the ring off.'

Ginny's eyes widened. 'You're kidding.'

'Do I look like I'm kidding?' Hermione cried, panic rising in her throat. 'Help me!'

'Hold still, then,' said Ginny, grabbing her finger and pulling. 'Ahh...it's really not budging, is it? Look, your fingers are too tense. Try relaxing.'

'Gosh, I wonder why I'm finding that difficult?!'

They tugged and pulled and tried washing her hand in the lake for another five minutes, but eventually were forced to give up, Hermione massaging her hand and trying not to whimper.

'We're just going to have to go back to the castle and get some soap,' said Ginny practically.

'Great,' muttered Hermione. 'This day just could not get any better.'

*****

Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle...

'Bessie?' called Professor Kemp to the empty room. His house elf appeared with a crack.

'Yes, sir?'

'Oh, are those my dry clothes?' he asked, hurrying forward.

Bessie nodded and handed them over. 'And some money, sir. Bessie is knowing how embarrassing damp coins can be.'

'Can they?' Kemp said in surprise. 'I suppose so. You think of everything. Anyway, I wanted to know if you've seen my daughter?'

The elf looked sad, shaking her head from side to side. 'Miss Serenity is most likely making new friends, Bessie is thinking.'

'Right, right,' he said. 'It's just that she left over an hour ago, and she was so worried about me catching a chill, I'd have thought she'd be back by now...she is the perfect daughter,' he added quickly, as though Bessie had contradicted him.

'Bessie knows, sir,' she said gravely. Kemp suddenly sneezed and she rushed forward with a handkerchief. 'Master should be getting to bed, Bessie is thinking.' She looked concerned and Kemp nodded.

'You're right.'

'Clean pyjamas in the drawer, sir,' she said, 'and Bessie is putting a bottle of Firewhiskey in the usual place.'

Kemp looked at her in admiration. 'Boy, you really do think of everything.'

*****

'I can't believe you killed a Mary Sue.' Ginny was still in shock as they reached the Entrance Hall.

'Will you stop going on about it?' Hermione hissed. She had more important things on her mind - getting this bloody ring off for a start. 'It was an accident, could have happened to anyone. It's not like anyone's going to miss her.' Ginny stared at her in disbelief.

'No one's going to miss her? You are kidding, right? She's the whole point of the story! She's the daughter of the new Defence Professor! He's certainly going to miss her.'

'All right, all right,' said Hermione in exasperation, finally giving up on the ring - if she twisted it any more she was going to pull her finger right off. 'Help me get this ring off first, then we can deal with the Mary Sue situation, okay?'

'We?' muttered Ginny mutinously. A sudden clunk made them both look round; Ron was crossing the Entrance Hall, carrying a mop and bucket. He smiled curiously at the two girls.

'All right, Ginny?' He appeared to be waiting for something. Hermione poked Ginny in the ribs.

'Oh, right...um, this is...' A look of panic crossed Ginny's features before she said firmly, 'Sarah. Yep, this is Sarah, Ron. She's the new Defence Professor's daughter from America. Sarah, this is my brother Ron.'

He nodded at Hermione, smiling pleasantly. 'Pleased to meet you.'

'Likewise,' she replied, resisting the urge to giggle.

Ginny suddenly smiled, looking from one to the other of them. 'Well, isn't this fun?' she said innocently. 'I'll leave you to get to know each other, then, I've got some homework to do.'

'Ginny, don't you dare...' Hermione began to say, but the words stuck in her throat as Ginny disappeared up the staircase with a backwards wave of her hand. She couldn't let Ron know it was her, it would just be too embarrassing. So, she smiled weakly at him and tried to think of a good excuse to leave...but it was as if her brain had turned to jelly.

Is this an effect of the ring? she wondered suspiciously.

Ron glanced up at her, then out of the entrance. 'Nice day, isn't it?'

'Uh, yeah...' she said, still thinking. 'As long as it doesn't rain, I guess.'

'Are you the new Mary Sue?' Ron asked.

'Yeah, I guess so,' she said absently. 'So what sort of place is this? Much going on?'

'Much going on?' He shrugged. 'Not really, unless you count dragons, mermaids, a Giant Squid, various monsters trying to kill half the school, plus evil teachers, sadistic teachers, half-giant teachers, werewolf teachers, and teachers who are just plain insane, and of course the Dark Lord or a group of Death Eaters turns up every now and then, but apart from that it's just your average wizarding school.'

She couldn't help but laugh. 'Sounds a bit dangerous.'

Ron grinned. 'Don't worry, nothing really bad can happen until the end of the school year.'

'You don't seem to like it here much,' she observed.

'Never really thought about it,' he said, looking surprised. 'It's not all bad. I mean, I suppose I'd miss it if I wasn't here.'

'What would you miss?'

'Quidditch,' he said promptly. Hermione rolled her eyes. 'And my friends of course,' he added thoughtfully, 'Harry and Hermione.'

She smiled and said, 'You must care about them very much.'

He shrugged. 'Well, you know, they're all right.' Hermione had not been best friends with two boys for six years without learning some of their language, and so was able to translate this accurately as 'I love them both to bits and would gladly die for them if asked to.' His ears had turned red, a dead giveaway, and he started mopping the floor energetically.

'You're getting water everywhere, you know,' she said, taking pity and changing the subject. 'Why are you cleaning the floor, anyway? That's Fil...I mean,' she said hastily, remembering that she was supposed to be new, 'doesn't Hogwarts have some sort of caretaker?'

'Yeah,' he said gloomily, 'but this is a punishment. I had a sort of...run-in with McGonagall. A professor,' he added as Hermione remembered to look blank. 'The deputy head. I'm going to be in detention for the rest of my natural life.'

Her mouth twitched. 'Oh dear. What sort of run-in?'

'Well,' he said, looking as though he were torn between being ashamed and wanting to boast, 'I may have been a bit rude to her. Though really, she was ordering me around like I was her slave! Asking me to let Harry take the credit...' He stopped and coughed. 'Anyway, I was having a really bad day.'

Hermione frowned. 'Let Harry take the credit for what?'

'Well...' he began and looked around. 'Promise not to tell anyone?' he said, dropping his voice.

'Cross my heart.'

'This afternoon, I fished the new Defence Professor out of the lake, all among the weeds.'

She stared at him. 'You didn't!'

'I did,' he said proudly, but then sighed. 'Only I shouldn't have told you, and you mustn't tell anyone. You see, it turns out he's some kind of big-wig American, and he has this apprentice-type thing to give away, so...'

''So' what?'

He shrugged. 'So, Harry is to get it.'

'And you mean to stand there and let them do that to you?' she said in outrage.

Ron shrugged. 'Well, he is the hero. I'm just a sidekick, my only role in this is to be thick, ask lots of stupid questions, talk with my mouth full and just generally provide comic relief.'

'Don't be silly,' said Hermione sharply, forgetting to stay in character. 'You're just as important as anyone else - more important, in fact! You're the hero's best friend, aren't you? His stalwart companion?'

'His what?' said Ron, looking panicky. 'We're not in a slash fic, are we?'

Hermione rolled her eyes. 'It means steady, constant...you're a true friend to Harry, aren't you?'

'I suppose...'

'Well, there we are, then.'

He gave her an odd look. 'You know, you remind me of someone...'

'I do?' she said, panicky, and remembering that she really should have made an excuse and left by now.

'Yeah,' he said thoughtfully. 'Oh, I don't know.'

'So are you just going to let Harry have this job?' she asked.

'Well,' he said, 'it seems to mean such a lot to McGonagall, though I don't know why. And he is my best friend and he has been through so much...I'm sure he'd do the same for me.'

She stared at him until he started to blush, and returned to his mopping. 'You're a very nice person, do you know that?'

He gave her an embarrassed grin. 'I hide it well. Anyway, why am I telling you all my troubles? You're a Sue in Hogwarts, you'll have enough of your own before you're here long, Sarah.'

'Sarah?' she said, puzzled for a moment.

'Isn't that what my sister called you, 'Sarah'?' he asked, frowning.

'Oh, right.'

'And you don't mind me calling you Sarah?' he prompted.

She smiled. 'No...'

'Great!' he said, returning the smile. 'And I don't mind if you call me Ron.'

'Ron?'

'Yes, Ron, contraction of Ronald. Just don't call me Ronnie or anything like that, or I will be forced to kill you.'

'All right, Ron-contraction-of-Ronald.' She laughed. 'You're very nice to me, you are.'

'Oh, I should think everyone's nice to you, Sarah,' he said, his ears turning slightly red.

She shook her head, her eyes wide. 'Oh no, they're not. Sometimes they're brutal.'

'Brutal? However do you mean?'

'Well, the last fic I was in, they tried to starve me.'

He mock-gasped. 'Poor Sarah! Didn't you get anything to eat? Not even a Cockroach Cluster?'

'And they beat me,' she said, pretending to quiver her bottom lip.

'They didn't?' he said, grinning.

'They did. I'm a mass of bruises, right from there...' She began to slowly raise the hem of her robe, smiling inwardly as Ron reacted on cue, going bright red and stumbling backwards.

'Um, no...I couldn't...I mean, I'd like...um...' He got a grip on himself and cleared his throat. 'Well,' he said formally, 'if anyone beats or starves you here, Sarah, just let me know.'

She sighed, sensing that the game was over. 'Thanks, Ron, I'll do that.'

'You know,' he said thoughtfully, 'you're about the oddest Sue I've ever met. But you're sort of growing on me.'

'Yeah, well,' she said, giving him a Look. 'You're the biggest boob I've ever struck in my life.' She smiled softly. 'But you sort of grew on me too.'

'We're a couple of growers,' he said with a grin. 'Still, looks don't worry me. No, I never intend to get married.'

'Oh, neither do I. Still,' she added, 'if I did, I know exactly the sort I should look out for.'

'Between you and me, I know the sort I should look out for too.'

'Wouldn't it be funny if we were both looking for the same thing?'

There was a pause as they looked at each other warily.

'Did that sound like the lead-in to a song to you?' Hermione asked.

He nodded. 'I was expecting to hear music or something. Have you burst into song at all yet this morning?'

'No,' she said. 'Have you?'

'No. I figured maybe I was immune because I'm outside the story.'

She blinked at him. 'Outside the story?'

'I never get any page time in these sorts of fics,' he explained. He suddenly looked downcast. 'I guess we were wrong, we don't get to sing. You've probably got a duet with Harry or Malfoy coming up, I won't take up any more of your time.'

'Ron, wait,' she began, but he had already gathered up his things and disappeared down the steps to the dungeon. She sighed.

'Well done, Hermione,' she whispered; then she clutched her throat in horror as words began to rise up in it, unbidden.

'I'm a one man girl,

Who's looking for a one girl man.

I don't want an earl,

A simple mister suits my plan...'

'Damn it,' she said in frustration as the song let go of her vocal chords, as quickly as it came. 'Wonderful timing.'