Discussions from the Dinner Table

The time: 6:03 PM

The place: Black family residence

The people: Kevin, Diana, Sirius, Aries, Monica, James

The meal: Spagetti

JAMES: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw....

MONICA: Huh?

JAMES: Snapes still live next door?

MONICA: Yes...

JAMES: Good. Please ignore all explosions tonight.

KEVIN: Nothing that we're not used to, sadly.

(pause)

SIRIUS: I had a weird dream last night.

MONICA: Please don't tell us unless you can improve the silence.

SIRIUS: Knowing my dreams, let's just stop there.

KEVIN: So James, what's new?

JAMES: Uh...nothing really.

KEVIN: Oh c'mon, James. We have seven kids. The words we hear the most around here are "Hello", "Goodbye" and "I'm pregnant." You can't shock us.

JAMES: I found out this morning that I now belong to my best friend's brother. Then at breakfeast I finally explained to my darling mother the irony of calling me a "son of a bitch". I also discovered that I am kid next door's imaginary friend. And oh yeah, our career aptitude tests came back. And based on my verbal ability score, I'm supposed to become a mime.

DIANA: Well...ok.

SIRIUS: (reaches over to pat James' head and says very slowly) Special...

ARIES: I have a pet mime?

JAMES: WHY did I agree to THIS?

SIRIUS: You get to live in a place where you won't be forced to sleep under the sink.

JAMES: Hey, I was never forced. You'd sleep there too if you saw that cockroaches took over the couch.

MONICA: Where do you expect to sleep here?

JAMES: Uh....Aries?

ARIES: You will not sleep in my bed!

MONICA: Aw, Aries have a heart.

ARIES: I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH JAMES POTTER!

JAMES: Is that your final answer?

ARIES: Why wouldn't the Humane Society take him again?

JAMES: You tried to put me in the Humane Society?

SIRIUS: Yeah.

JAMES: Dude! Let's go live there!

SIRIUS: Nah, I can't. I assasinated a sea monkey. Animal cruelty.

MONICA: Assassination is only the most extreme form of censorship.

DIANA: Why censor a sea monkey?

MONICA: Must everything be explained?

JAMES: Maybe Ralph died in his sleep.

KEVIN: That's how I want to die, in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming and yelling like the other people in his car.

DIANA: That's...nice.

KEVIN: Oh yeah. We're going to dinner tommorrow night, I just got my paycheck today.

SIRIUS: Paycheck?

MONICA: I love you, Daddy.

ARIES: Uh, Dad, there's some funeral costs we need to consider.

KEVIN: We're having a funeral?

ARIES: Yes. I have one person attending already. Lily Evans.

JAMES: Tree hugger?

ARIES: Shrimp lover.

JAMES: Same difference.

SIRIUS: Where are we going tommorrow night?

MONICA: Somewhere fancy?

SIRIUS: Where we don't have to sit at a plastic table?

MONICA: And have our dinner served by a 40 year old man in a clown costume?

KEVIN: Hey, no promises on that last one.

ARIES: But dad, I don't like clowns....

MONICA: What DO you like Aries?

ARIES: I'd like to hear a story about a clown that's happy on the outside, but real sad on the inside. That would make me happy. Oh, and I want him to have severe allergies to children.

DIANA: You've given that a lot of thought.

ARIES: Yes, I have.

KEVIN: Aries, you're the only one in the whole history of the Black family who's afraid of clowns!

JAMES: I used to live with a family of clowns....god, that was happy. It was like living in the House of Prozac.

ARIES: You're going to the Humane Society, clown-lover!

JAMES: Why are you so scared of clowns anyways, clown-hater?
ARIES: I think it all began when I went to the circus with my babysitter-

SIRIUS: Hot one?

ARIES: Yeah. Anyways she took me there and the clowns killed her. In front of me.

JAMES: The clowns killed your babysitter?

DIANA: Aries, I think that was in some movie you watched.

ARIES: Oh? Name it!

MONICA: That would be a good movie...

ARIES: You clown-lovers! Admit it! I was adopted!

KEVIN: Yeah, Aries, you were.

ARIES: What?

KEVIN: We got you at the circus. Your real parents were clowns, actually.

ARIES: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(runs upstairs)

DIANA: KEVIN!
KEVIN: I've really always wanted to do that...