Discussions from the Dinner Table

Time: 6:04 pm

Place: Black family residence.

People: Monica Black, Sirius Black, Aries Black.

Dinner: Pop Tarts, 7Up, Fruit Rollups and Marshmellow Peeps.

ARIES: I'm writing the story of our family.

SIRIUS: Oh dear God, Aries. The world has enough horror stories.

ARIES: (ignoring) I am making as a tribute to the world's best parents ever.

MONICA: Priscilla and Elvis Presley?

SIRIUS: Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne?

MONICA: Richard Gere and a gerbil?

ARIES: I give up! Where are mom and dad anyway?

SIRIUS: Somewhere.

MONICA: Over the rainbow.

ARIES: WHY AM I LEFT ALONE WITH YOU TWO? I AM THE GOOD ONE!

SIRIUS: But you love us....

MONICA: Or we'll kill you.

SIRIUS: And if we kill you...

MONICA: You will die.

ARIES: Wow, wasn't that poetry?

MONICA: Is this a fiction book or a nonfiction one?

ARIES: I've decided to make it fiction.

SIRIUS: Why?

ARIES: Well, fiction is required to make sense. Reality isn't.

MONICA: Perhaps fiction is our own reality.

SIRIUS: No, reality shows are reality.

MONICA: Reality shows would only be reality if our lives were ran by writers not smart enough to write movies.

SIRIUS: That's harsh.

MONICA: That is the reality of reality.

ARIES: Let's stop talking about reality.

SIRIUS: I've had a bad day.

MONICA: Oh? Tell Dr. Monica about it.

SIRIUS: I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my backpack and the handle fell off. I'm now afraid to go to the bathroom.

ARIES: Better than mine.

MONICA: What happened?

ARIES: I got kicked out of woodworking because I wasn't wearing my safety glasses when I tried to saw off another kid's arm.

MONICA: Must this family be so violent?

SIRIUS: Look Mon, if you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

ARIES: Gramps' philosophy.

MONICA: Aries, Gramps' philosophies always include a very subtle amount of psychology and a very large amount of violence.

SIRIUS: Monica, we're Italian.

ARIES: And Gramps is in the Mafia.

SIRIUS: You walk by his house: "Trepassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again."

ARIES: It's the philosophy of the Black family.

MONICA: This is what you want to write about?

ARIES: I would like to show people that there is a light side, a dark side, and the Black family side where we kill people ten times faster and with less reason.

SIRIUS: Always remember, if at first you don't succeed....go back and reload the gun.

MONICA: Oh my God....you two have been watching too much HBO.

ARIES: Fuhgettaboutit.

SIRIUS: Cable guy makes us an offer we can't refuse.

MONICA: I had a weird dream last night.

ARIES: So did I. Mine was weirder.

MONICA: Was yours talking to our dog? And then having Louie answer?

ARIES: No, worse.

MONICA: Oh?

ARIES: I dreamt I went out and bought a lawn gnome outfit. I put it on and sat in the Snape's yard for days. Then Sirius came and I recruited him as the troll under the bridge.

MONICA: You need a shrink.