Discussions from the Dinner Table

Dicussions From The Dinner Table:

Proof My Family Is Insane

by Aries Black

The time: 6:46 PM

The place: Black Family Residence

The people: Diana Black, Kevin Black, Sirius Black, Monica Black, Orion Black, Aries Black.

The dinner: Chinese takeout.

KEVIN: This is dinner?

DIANA: Take it or leave it.

SIRIUS: What is this?

DIANA: Cho Kei Un Seijing Anti Choo Terayaki

SIRIUS: I refuse to eat anything I cannot pronounce.

DIANA: I would have made your dinner, Sirius, but I was busy...remember? Doing your laundry.

SIRIUS: Wonderful. My mother is the travel agent of guilt trips.

MONICA: Be nice to your children, mom, we choose your nursing home.

DIANA: You can't scare me. I have Sirius and Aries as sons.

MONICA: You do have a point there.

SIRIUS: Why am I unloved?

MONICA: I'm sorry, am I poking holes in your self-esteem bucket?

SIRIUS: Could you please slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma?

MONICA: Ha ha.

ARIES: HA HA! I GET IT!

SIRIUS: He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

KEVIN: Would everyone please SHUT UP?

DIANA: Don't say shut up.

KEVIN: Fine. Would everyone kindly shut their noise-holes?

DIANA: Thank you.

SIRIUS: You spend 2 years teaching me to talk and 14 more telling me to shut up?

KEVIN: Exactly. Now be quiet.

SIRIUS: (shouting) Aries, pass the sauce.

KEVIN: Thank you for not annoying me any more than you usually do.

SIRIUS: Dad, this whole "silence" thing...I didn't succeed. Failure is just my thing.

MONICA: No, Siri. You just re-define success.

KEVIN: How about if you try to be quiet? I have a headache.

SIRIUS: I can't promise I will try. But I'll try to try.

ARIES: Sirius, you learn from your mistakes. I think you might be a genius.

SIRIUS: What did I do to you?

ARIES: You make me feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parrallel universe.

SIRIUS: Huh?

DIANA: Just try to relax and handle the crisis.

SIRIUS: I promise I will not resort to bloodshed because of Aries' internal problems.

ARIES: Oh wonderful. Just when I think I've hit the bottom, Sirius throws me a shovel.

MONICA: Aries, I think the problem with your reality is the lack of background music.

ARIES: Monica, any connection between your reality and mine is purely coinceidental.

SIRIUS: Hey! I just thought of something!

DIANA: And that is?

SIRIUS: If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

DIANA: Wonderful, darling.....

ARIES: Hey, Siri, if God drops acid, does he see people?

SIRIUS: That's deep, man.

KEVIN: Being both your father and a cop, I would like to be unaware of my sons drug use.

MONICA: You can be unaware, dad. Everyone else is aware of it.

KEVIN: I am not hearing any of this conversation.

SIRIUS: Wow.

MONICA: What?

SIRIUS: My fortune cookie says "You're eating Chinese food."

MONICA: Well, isn't that ironic?

ARIES: Mine says "Stand on toilent: Get high on pot."
DIANA: Well, that's....different.

KEVIN: Ignore them, Di.

DIANA: I try, but my self-help books tell me to be a good parent.

MONICA: Hey mom, if you went into a store and couldn't find your self-help book, what would you do?

DIANA: I would ask for help.

MONICA: Then doesn't that defeat the purpose of self-help?

DIANA: Bravo, Mon.

MONICA: Is sarcasm one more service this family offers?

DIANA: I suppose so.

KEVIN: Is everyone done with dinner?

ARIES: Yeah.

SIRIUS: Yep.

MONICA: Yes.

DIANA: Yeah.

KEVIN: Then I'm leaving. I've had a wonderful evening, however, this wasn't it. (gets up to leave)

KEVIN: Oh, whose quarter is this? (tries to pick it up) Who glued it to the floor?

ARIES: I did.

KEVIN: Why?

ARIES: I don't feel I need to explain my art to you.

SIRIUS: Aries, you don't know how depressing it is to realize we're the same species.

KEVIN: The torture never stops in this family.....

DIANA: Everyone shut up. Dinner's over. Take care of your food. Do your homework. Go to sleep.

MONICA: Mom, if you make the instructions so easy that no one will misunderstand, one of your sons will.

DIANA: Thank God my other two aren't here.

ARIES: Atleast Apollo and Orion don't have an attitude problem like Siri.

SIRIUS: I don't have an attitude problem, you just can't handle my personality.

MONICA: I blame you two for our dysfunctional family.

ARIES: It's not our fault!

MONICA: I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was gonna blame you.