Nied is Not Enough

Chapter 11

As soon as the door clicked shut and Harry stood separated from Draco, he felt the urge to run as far and as quickly as he could. His arm still throbbed from Draco's memory of receiving the Mark. He could still feel the blond inside him; the sadness and confusion.

Harry walked to his rooms to fetch his black coat; Draco was calling to him. He wrestled thoughts of the blond away and strode out of the Dungeons. He couldn't get rid of the voice; the image of the scar on his chest, and the way the blond felt underneath him as he straddled him.

The chilly night air was welcome to Harry as he stepped onto the grounds of Hogwarts. The sky was deep onyx and every star was visible. Harry wasn't sure where he was walking: he just needed to walk. At first, he stayed on the path toward the lake. As he approached, the water was smooth and black: a great dark mirror reflecting the clear night sky. Harry remembered skipping stones with Draco the other morning and the closeness of their bodies; the heat radiating from the blond. Not now. He kicked at the stone covered shore and walked away from the water.

His head swam with his own thoughts and with strange twinges of Draco's as well. He was never going to be able to live this way. He had barely discovered his own emotion but to bear someone else's was going to be too much. He had to figure out a way to sever the bond.

The dark night wrapped itself around him; he held it like a dreary blanket to his body. The comfort of being alone wafted as he began to miss the physical presence of the blond. No wonder I haven't been able to get you off my mind.

Harry stopped walking as he entered a small clearing in the forest. He gathered a few bits of wood into a pile and set them ablaze. The fire crackled and sizzled in the cool air and warmed Harry's face. He sat cross-legged in front of the fire, watching the orange flames lick at the night. Harry thought about the nights' events, wondering why he chose to save Draco's life so many years ago. Always have to be the bloody hero, don't I?

He thought about Draco's memory of the night Voldemort fell. He took in a deep breath and tried to bring himself to feel the memory again; to feel it from Draco's point of view. Small bits and pieces of the night came to him as he watched the fire. He could see the memory, but couldn't feel it properly.

He took in another deep breath and relaxed his mind. He closed his eyes. He felt as though his mind was unfolding, becoming planar instead of jumbled. He had reached his subconscious again. The world was dark around him. He remembered seeing Draco in his subconscious earlier and tried to find him again in the blackness. After struggling for a few moments, he decided against it.

It always felt good to Harry to be under the night sky; the vastness of the universe surrounding him. He felt part of something much grander than himself. He settled back on the ground, resting his head on his folded arms.

During Auror training, Harry spent countless hours attuning himself to the movement of the stars and the solar system. He understood the relationships between universal movement and himself. He took the scope of everything physically visible and drew it into himself, making himself larger and the universe smaller. He used it often to focus, meditate and draw a center to himself. He connected so deeply to the universe; he became more than just a physical part of it. This was his spirituality; his cathedral.

Harry became the pull of water from the spinning earth; he became chlorophyll, absorbing sunlight. This particular evening, Harry became the crackling fire, sparking and hissing as each bit of wood let go to the blaze. To Harry, this meditation was as magical as anything he could do with a wand or incantation.

He never tried to control any of it, although it would be easy for him. Instead he would let the forces themselves be what they were and he would become part of them. He was fire.

Draco. Draco was air. If Harry were air, Draco would be fire. Draco, water. Harry, earth. One could not exist without the other. One movement, one stillness. Any way Harry looked at it, Draco was what made him whole. Harry thought about his time during school: how Draco was a necessary constant. All the boys did was fight, but it kept them balanced. Harry tried to be pure light and Draco pure dark. Neither of them could be wholly one or the other.

Harry thought about his anticipation in having to search for Draco during his time as an Auror. He thought about the way he closed himself off after Voldemort's fall because he didn't see Draco anymore. He was no longer whole, he had no necessary constant.

The pull he felt for Draco was not just a physical one. He needed the emotional friction, the crucial ability to despise and love the other man. He needed Draco. He had needed Draco during school, well, for the past thirteen years of his life. The emptiness he held was not from missing his friends or defeating his nemesis. The emptiness was from needing Draco.

//Draco.//

Inside the castle, Draco watched the flames in his fireplace. The decanter of silvery liquid was nearly empty and he swirled the last bit in his glass before pouring it down his throat. He felt a twinge of Harry inside him; searching for him somewhere. It was quite an unusual feeling, seeing as how Harry had never really wanted into his mind before. Draco gave a soft smile, almost a laugh, and closed his eyes. His world was black.

In the forest, Harry sat with his hands on his knees, mind relaxed and searching for Draco Malfoy in the corners of his subconscious.

// Looking for someone in here, or are you just here by accident? //

Harry spun around looking for Draco in the black world. // Where are you? //

// You're going to have to place me here. Since I'm not physically with you, you have to create my image if you want to see me.//

//What do you mean?//

//Think about what I look like, take one of your memories of me and hold that image in your mind.//

Harry thought generally about Draco, his blond hair, eyes, and skin. The image he was producing was just that: blond hair, hazel eyes and skin. He looked at the strange mass in front of him. //Draco, this isn't working.//

//You're right, unless that's what you think I look like. Concentrate on one specific memory of me.//

Harry thought back to the first night at the Leaky Cauldron. He remembered the grace in which Draco moved; his long fingers wrapped around the martini glass, the way the light played his features. Harry started from the bottom and worked his way up. Shoes, pants, sweater, face.

//Damn, I am dead sexy.//

Harry laughed at the man's obvious vanity. He stared at the image in his mind. He couldn't help but check it out. The image just stood there, unmoving. //Now what?//

//Take my voice and place it into the image. Give me life. Let me move.//

//Just start speaking and I'll see if I can put your voice in the right place.//

As Draco babbled on and on about his own sexiness, Harry concentrated on moving the voice into the image in his mind. There seemed to be a slight delay from the sound of Draco's voice to the movement of the image's mouth. Harry had a difficult time focusing since Draco was talking about his own body, but slowly, the two interlocked.

//...And just look at this ass. I mean, that is a nice ass.//

//Draco...//

// Harry, have you looked at this ass? //

The image of Draco was looking over its shoulder rubbing its hands along its backside.

//Draco. I've got it. You can stop now.// Harry was amused by the image of Draco checking itself out, however, there were other things at hand.

//Oh, sorry. You did a great job, Harry. You must really look closely at me.// The image of Draco raised its eyebrows a couple of times and grinned. //Now, was there something you wanted?//

Harry swallowed hard. He felt slightly guilty for wanting to sever the bond. Rather than confront that, he simply lied. // I want to know about you Draco. Please show me. //

// From what point? //

// Wherever you want to start. // Harry felt the twinge of guilt subside as the blond began.

Inside the castle, Draco concentrated on where to begin with his memories. He grinned and let slide his first memory.

Harry saw a beautiful small child sitting on a rug in the middle of a fantastically decorated room. He looked around the room and noticed several large mirrors and portraits adorning the walls. Lucius, Narcissa and baby Draco Malfoy were in nearly all the portraits. Harry cocked his head to the side as he looked at the portraits.

// Very handsome family, even if I do say so myself. //

// Not bad, Malfoy. //

Harry felt the small child tense as an ornately carved door opened. Whatever the child had been playing with, he tossed it when the door opened and quickly found something else to play with. A tall blond man stepped into the room and looked at the small child on the floor.

"Narcissa, how many times have I told you to keep your son out of the study?" The man asked back through the open door. "There are far too many dangerous things in here for him to be here by himself."

A beautiful woman wearing light, silvery-blue robes swept into the room and gathered the small child in her arms. As she turned to leave, Lucius patted Draco on the head. The small child looked over his mother's shoulder and saw his father scowling at the woman holding him. The door slammed shut. Small Draco wrapped his arms tightly around his mother's neck and buried his face in her robes.

The image dissolved from Harry's view. He then saw the same child, now eight or nine years old running down stairs toward a great door. The door opened and a slightly older Lucius stepped through. Draco leapt at his father from the stairs and threw his arms around the man's neck.

"Father! I'm so glad you're back." He squeezed the man's neck more tightly.

Lucius pried the child from himself and pushed him back toward the stairs. "Malfoys do not behave that way, Draco. You need to remember that." He walked past the child and up the stairs.

Draco sat down hard on the stairs, buried his face in his crossed arms and sobbed. The image again dissolved.

Draco's memories of his father pushing him away after each attempt to be close to him flowed in and out of Harry's view. Harry felt the tremendous respect Draco had for his father and the heartache he felt from being pushed away so often.

He then saw himself standing in front of the mirrors in Madam Malkin's robe shop during his first trip to Diagon Alley. Next to him was eleven-year-old Draco. They were then on the train and Harry saw Draco reaching his hand toward him. Harry refused to take his hand and he felt the same disgusted heartache flowing from Draco.

// I hated you for that, Harry. I truly did. You pushed me away without even giving me a chance. I have to admit I probably would have done the same, though. //

// I'm sorry, Draco. I had no idea. //

// Don't be sorry, really. I had a lot of learning to do back then. It wasn't until you were constantly inside me that I began to understand you. We really didn't have things so differently, you and I. //

// No, I suppose not. What made you change? //

// What, sides? I learned to hate everything my father stood for. He was cold and unfeeling, power hungry and a slave to that beast. I, well, when Voldemort killed him and my mother, who had nothing to do with my father's failure, I thought long and hard about my life. I decided I would not be the same kind of man my father was and would grovel at no one's feet. Pathetic, really. I had so much respect for that man. It disgusts me to think how I used to want to be just like him. //

// Well, actually, I meant what made you decide to not be such an arrogant prat? //

In the castle, Draco shifted slightly on the couch. // You did. //

// How could I have done anything? You hated me, remember? //

// Yeah, I did. I hated you for the simple reason that you wouldn't ever give in to me. But, Harry, I learned how to love you by seeing your memories and your thoughts. I learned how to hold onto something that was good. Your memories of your ridiculous friends, the connections you had with people...I'd never known those things. I only knew how to be in control of every situation; hold my wealth over everyone's heads. I saw how your muggle family treated you and how you overcame that by creating your own family at Hogwarts. Even though those memories were yours, they became mine. Almost everything about you became mine.//

Harry could feel an old tension in himself fade slightly as Draco continued.

//You let people in, Harry. I never wanted that. You gave it to me when you healed me. Whether or not you wanted to, you let me in more intimately than you had let anyone else in. I felt your struggles and your anger, your trusting and your love for the people around you. Even though you cut yourself off from those feelings, they were still part of your memories. Somehow, I became more like who you used to be and you like who I used to be. //

Harry didn't quite know how to respond. He felt betrayed, not by anyone but himself. It's not like Draco asked for any of this. It's not like Harry had any idea what would happen after he healed Draco those years ago. He had betrayed himself by his own detachment to life, to his friends; the people who cared about him the most.

Draco felt his discomfort and tried to change the subject. //If you want, I can show you a way to deal with this a bit more easily.//

Harry nodded.

// It takes practice, though. Instead of having my thoughts and memories constantly in your head, you can keep me in your subconscious. That way, you'll just get a sense of my general mood. That's the way I learned to keep myself sane. 'Cause, you know, what goes on in your head is pretty hard to deal with.//

Harry gave Draco a mental kick in the shin.

//Ow. So, what you have to do is separate my thoughts from yours and channel them into one specific area in your mind. We'll start off easy. //

Now the need had been realized, Harry felt a sense of dread come over him. He wasn't sure he wanted Draco channeled into a specific area. He wanted to continue with Draco inside his head. He felt the old emptiness growing in himself again and needed to stop it. Immediately.

The heat from the fire began to fade. Harry opened his eyes, stood, and kicked some dirt over the dying embers. He felt overwhelmingly drawn back to the Dungeons and began running. He needed to feel Draco's skin again, to feel his presence in the physical way. He ran through the forest toward the castle and up the path toward the doors to the entry hall all the while hearing Draco's voice. The blond sounded slightly worried and distant.

Once inside, his pace slowed and he tried to catch his breath. The Dungeons never seemed so far away. He wasn't sure if he needed Draco because of the bond or he wanted Draco simply because he wanted him. It didn't really matter, he decided as the entry to the Dungeons opened. Before he could burst through Draco's door, Draco opened it from the inside.

Harry closed the door behind him without taking his eyes off of Draco. At that moment, Harry no longer cared for anything in the world, other than the man before him. He unbuttoned his jacket and let it slide from his arms and left it lying on the floor behind him. His skin was overcompensating from the cold outside and was burning hot. It was like the first time he had ever felt heat.

"I don't know about any of this, Draco. All I know is I don't think I'm going to be able to let you go..."

Draco placed his hands in Harry's. They faced each other; hands intertwined and stared into each other's eyes. Harry felt every soft curve of the man's hands. He drank in the hazel eyes, let the quietness fill him.

Draco broke his hands free and carefully removed Harry's glasses. He set them on the coffee table and looked into Harry's eyes again. The emerald green was ablaze. He let out a shuddered breath as Harry touched his face.

Harry brought his other hand to Draco's face, cupping the man's cheeks. Draco stood motionless, except for his increased breathing. Harry scanned the blonde's face: Draco's lips were slightly parted, allowing his breath to move more freely.

//Draco...//

//I know. Do what feels right and let me guide you.//

Harry moved his hand and placed it in the small of Draco's back, pulling the blond closer to him. He slid his other hand to the back of Draco's neck, letting his fingers graze the blonde's earlobe. Draco gasped slightly at the gentleness of the touch.

Harry moved his face closer to Draco's and let their cheeks slide against one another. Draco's skin was perfectly smooth against Harry's slightly roughened cheek. He could feel the other man's breath on his ear and the sensitive skin on his neck. Chills ran up his spine as each breath landed. Harry brought his lips to the place where Draco's neck and shoulders met. There, he pressed his lips against Draco. He breathed in Draco's scent, tasted the warmth of his skin; he felt each nerve being engrossed by the blond.

// I just want to breathe you...// Harry sent Draco a silent message and the blond quietly whimpered.

The softness of Draco's sounds caused Harry's stomach to tighten. He felt his own arousal grow with each new kiss he left on Draco. Once he reached Draco's ear, he flicked out his tongue and caught his earlobe. He pulled it into his mouth and bit down lightly while sucking. Draco's knees gave out a little and Harry held him closer.

Draco brought his hands to Harry's shoulders and pressed his fingertips into them. // Harry...//

Harry let go of Draco's earlobe and looked into the hazel eyes. Draco licked his slightly dry lips. Harry felt whole looking into Draco's eyes; he knew that he would never break this bond. Even if he could, he wouldn't.

"You don't have to do this."

Harry cocked his head slightly to the side, "I've never done anything I didn't want to. You, of all people should know that."

Draco softened his features. He slowly brought his lips to Draco's. Both closed their eyes as their lips met. It wasn't like their earlier kiss; full of fiery passion. No, this was tender and warm; full of every emotion both had been feeling for the past thirteen years. The world spun around them and into nothing. They were the only two living beings in existence.

Draco slid his hands from Harry's shoulders and around to Harry's back. Both men were trying to bring themselves closer together, even though every possible inch of their bodies were touching.

The blond tugged at Harry's sweater, trying to find warm flesh. He found his way inside and slid his fingertips along Harry's skin. Harry 'mmphd' into Draco's mouth at the skin to skin contact. In a certain spot, right in the curve of Harry's spine, Draco drew small circles with his finger. Harry arched his back, breaking the kiss. He took in a trembling breath as Draco lifted the sweater from Harry's back and over his head.

Harry pushed at Draco's still-open shirt; moving it over his shoulders and onto the floor. Harry's pants felt very tight as his arousal pressed against them. The feel of Draco's warm skin under his palms nearly sent him over the edge. His eyelids fluttered for a moment. He regained focus on the blonde's face.

Draco's mouth was slightly swollen and darker than usual. He was flushed and breathing deeply. Harry couldn't help thinking how beautiful Draco was.

With his chin down slightly, he looked up seductively at Harry. Draco then took his own bottom lip into his mouth and grazed it with his teeth.

// I want you and nothing else. //

Harry nearly lost his balance as the blonde's voice echoed in his mind. His entire body was aching with the need to be touched by this man.

Draco took Harry's hands and led him through a doorway into his bedroom. The room was lit by at least 40 candles, Harry noted. The large, ornately carved wooden bed sat cattycorner in the room and was covered by a deep red satin duvet. Several pillows were tossed around the head of the bed.

The entire room smelled like Draco. Harry inhaled deeply as he watched the blond walk in front of him. The muscles in his back moved fluidly under the skin. Harry took larger steps until he was up against Draco's back. The blond stopped walking and Harry pressed his chest further into Draco's back. Harry's hips moved against Draco as he wrapped his arms around the blond. Draco reached behind him, grabbing Harry's ass and bringing Harry even closer. Both men groaned as their bodies moved against each other.

Harry nipped at Draco's neck with his lips. The blond leaned his head forward to allow further access. Harry let his tongue touch the skin at Draco's hairline. He lightly breathed over the wet trails. He sensed chills run the length of Draco's arms. Harry smiled into the blonde's back. He left a few more wet kisses before opening his mouth wide and biting into the flesh where Draco's neck and shoulder met. Draco gasped and pressed himself further back into Harry.

It was difficult to move away, but somehow, Draco managed to step forward and turn to face Harry. He pulled Harry's sweater up and off as he stepped backwards toward the bed. The backs of his knees met the edge of the bed and he sat, still holding Harry's hands in his. He let loose his hands and scooted himself back on to the bed. He made himself more comfortable on the mess of pillows. He coyly patted the bed next to him.

Harry shifted his weight and covered the small puckered scars on his chest with his forearm. He let his hand hide the scar on his shoulder. He hadn't ever felt so self conscious as he stood in front of the nearly-perfect form of Draco.

Draco noticed the furled eyebrows. "We don't have to do this, Harry. Whatever you want."

"I think I just want to be next to you right now. If that's okay." He knew well that he wanted much more than that, as did Draco. He couldn't hide it, but Draco complied.

The blond shifted his body, making enough room for Harry to lie down. Harry sat timidly on the edge of the bed, removed his boots, and settled tensely on his side, facing away from Draco. Harry could feel his own breath quicken as the blond placed one palm on Harry's back. Harry then felt the other palm on the curve of his waist.

Draco released his communication magic; let it wash over the man facing away from him.

Harry first felt his skin warm under the other man's hands. He closed his eyes as the peace swept over him. He nestled against the blond, feeling the warmth of his chest against his back. Harry, for the first time in countless years, fell asleep feeling like a whole man.