The Adventures of Harry and Dudley

Chapter 1: The First Weekend of Summer Begins

There's a mad wizard named Lord Voldemort running around, with Death Eaters, Dementors, and who the hell knows what else under his command. Sirius is gone beyond the veil, dead, for all eternity. Dumbledore had told Harry not to leave where his mother's blood dwells, and so, of course, Harry sat on the curb with his cousin, unable to get back in to where his mother's blood dwells. So on this Friday evening, Harry sat silently, staring intently at a particularly round pebble, recalling the events that led up to this fiasco.

Earlier that afternoon, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia had decided to spend the first weekend of summer holidays in London. For whatever reason, they'd decided to leave Dudley (their pride and joy) and Harry (their shame and humiliation) home for this weekend. This surprised Harry more than anyone, because he figured that Uncle Vernon would be terrified Harry would knock the house down or perform animal sacrifices, or worse, expose he was a wizard to the neighbors.

"You're not to leave the house, and you're to lock all the doors and windows at night. Don't break anything. Don't use the phone, stereo, or the TV. Don't eat more food that you have to, don't send too many of those ruddy owls, and don't you dare allow any of your crazy friends anywhere near this house!" Uncle Vernon told Harry as he and Aunt Petunia put their bags into the trunk of their car.

"What am I supposed to do then!?" Harry yelled at his uncle.

"Well..." Uncle Vernon seemed pained by this battle going on in his head. He seemed to believe that not letting Harry use any of this stuff may mean the destruction of his home, but if Harry did use them, that meant Harry's weekend wouldn't be as miserable as he'd like. "Very well," he said at last. "You may use the TV and the stereo, but you are not to use the phone or leave the house! Do you understand me, boy?"

"Yes," said Harry, now a bit relieved that he was allowed to do something other than exist this weekend.

Dudley's goodbye speech was considerably shorter. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do son!" said Uncle Vernon, claming his son hard on the back. "And keep an eye on him," he said, glaring at Harry.

"Yeah," said Harry loudly, sticking his hand in his pocket where his wand was, "because I'm just so dangerous..."

"ARE YOU MAD, BOY!?" Uncle Vernon roared, turning the color of a radish.

"Do you dare take that out!" squealed Aunt Petunia.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch," said Harry quietly. "I won't take it out."

Vernon Dursley clamped his son on the back once more and got in the car. Petunia hugged Dudley's massive body once more and with a tearful, "Be good, Diddy-kins," joined her husband in the car. The car pulled out of the driveway, and Harry and Dudley watched the car turn the corner and disappear.

"Well," said Harry, "I think I'll go in and watch TV."
"You will not!" said Dudley.

"Why not?" Harry asked calmly.

"Because I want to watch what I want to watch! Not what you want to watch!"

"Oh yeah," said Harry in mock seriousness. "There's a reason for me to not watch what I feel like."

Harry turned, and with Dudley waddling after him, he walked into the house. After 20 minutes of arguing Dudley finally decided to be a wonderful, charming boy and let Harry watch what he wanted. Of course, Harry thought, Dudley could have decided to be wonderful because Harry had taken out his wand and threatened to turn Dudley into frog sperm if he didn't cooperate. Harry figured that wasn't really a fair thing to do, but hey, nice guys finish last, and Harry wasn't about to be nice to someone who, for ten years, maybe Harry's life a living hell.

So Harry sat on the couch, flipping through channels with Dudley watching from his father's arm chair from across the room.

It was about 2 hours later when they heard Mrs. Samuelson screaming bloody murder from across the street.

"Help me! Somebody! Help me!" she shrieked continuously.

Harry and Dudley looked at each other, and after a moment more of Mrs. Samuelson's screaming, they both leapt up, (well Harry leapt, Dudley sort of heaved himself up) , turning off the TV, and slamming the door behind them, they followed the woman's cries across the street.

"Mrs. Samuelson! Mrs. Samuelson! Are you alright?" Dudley called in his I'm-concerned voice, as they opened the door entered the Samuelson household.

Harry had a firm grip on his want under robes. Lord Voldemort couldn't be here, there had to be another explanation. He couldn't be here. He just couldn't be...

The boys entered the kitchen, and there, waving a broom and still screaming like she was being stabbed, was Mrs. Samuelson. On the floor in front of her was--

"A mouse?" Dudley asked in disbelief.

"Yes! A mouse! Get it! Kill it! Do something, please!" the woman said in a panicked, breathy voice.

Harry heaved a sigh of relief. Of course Lord Voldemort wasn't in the Samuelson kitchen! He was crazy to have thought that!

Harry and Dudley trapped the mouse for Mrs. Samuelson, who had calmed down, and let it go outside. It was the most cooperation and teamwork he and Dudley had ever displayed, Harry realized.

Mrs. Samuelson, now sitting in an armchair with a cup of tea and biscuits Harry brought out for her, was breathing normally again.

"Need any more help, Mrs. Samuelson?" Dudley asked.

"Oh no, thank you so much boys! My heroes!"

"You're welcome, Mrs. Samuelson," said Harry, still a little surprised a mouse could cause someone to scream so loudly.

Dudley and Harry headed for the front door.

"Thanks again, chaps! And Harry, you're not nearly as terrible as your aunt and uncle say."

"Uh, thanks Mrs. Samuelson."

"They told me you go to St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys. St. Brutus's is reforming you well, I take it?"

"Huh? Oh! Yeah, their methods of reform are brilliant. They're even reforming me! It's a miracle really," Harry lied perfectly.

"Well keep up the good work, and thanks again for helping me today!"

"Bye Mrs. Samuelson," the boys said in unison as they walked out the front door.

"Bye boys!" she called.

Out in the street, Dudley said, "I can't believe anyone would go so mad over a tiny mouse."

"Neither do I," said Harry, as they reached the door of Number Four, Privet Drive. Harry turned the door knob but the door wouldn't open.

"Hey Harry, do you think we could watch what I want for a while cause you know-"

Harry tried again. The door still wouldn't open.

"- you've been watching what you want for over two hours-"

Harry tried turning the door knob the other way. Still, the door wouldn't open.

"- and my favorite show is coming on now and-"

Harry tried the door now a fourth time. The door simply would not open.

"-I just thought we could watch that one show then watch what you want again. And could you not turn me into frog sperm-"

"Dudley," Harry said, cutting him off in a serious voice, "We're not watching any show."

Dudley stepped back from Harry in fear. "W-why n-not?" he asked in a shaky voice.

"Oh, quit cowering, you prat, I won't hurt you. Anyway, we can't watch TV if we can't get back into the house, and the door locked from the inside when we shut it."

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how was it? hit the review button. chapter 2 up in a couple of days.