Fred and George's Guide to Snogging

Chapter Four: Tips for the Advanced Snogger

As you read this chapter, please bear in mind that the title of "Advanced Snogger" is not one that should be assumed lightly. It is recommended that you have at least a year, if not more, of consistent and successful snogging experience to your name. If you do not fit this profile, it is for your own safety that the authors advise you not to read this chapter, as once you do you will no doubt be tempted to incorporate such tips in your daily snogging. As, however, you are not an Advanced Snogger, these tips could yield disastrous results. Certainly Fred George Ronald Weasley will speak to this matter if you ask him.

This chapter primarily includes ways to make your snogging more interesting, if, as many Advanced Snoggers do, you feel that ordinary snogging is beginning to bore you. Elements such as different locales are the most effective, but anything to switch up the monotony will suffice. For example, if you're used to only snogging in the common room of your respective house, here are some places you may want to try:

1. The Great Hall: Public snogging is more popular than ever nowadays, and what better way to flaunt the fact that you're getting some than by snogging in the one place that everyone is sure to be? But be warned, unless being the center of attention appeals to you, this is not something that is advisable. If you undertake such a mission, you must be willing to bear the stares from everyone around you. These stares, of course, will come in a few varieties. The first will be the awestruck ones, mostly from younger and/or conservative students, who will not believe you to have had the audacity to do such a thing. The second variety are those of envy, people jealous both of your snogging skills and aforementioned audacity. The third kind will be extremely entertained, usually accompanied by the kind of boorish hooting that adolescent males are prone to. The fourth will, of course, be the dissaproving stares of the teachers, one of whom will shortly come and rap you on the back of the head and ask you to "please return to your meal."

2. A broom closet: As there seem to be innumerable broom closets around Hogwarts, why not duck into one for a quick snog session? Of course, the potential for movement is minimal, and everyone will know what you've been up to once you burst out into the corridor, but that doesn't mean it hasn't got potential.

3. The Astronomy Tower: Perfect if you're in the mood for a more romantic snog with a lovely view. But be warned, only go to the Astronomy Tower with a boyfriend/girlfriend/itfriend. The atmosphere up there is so lovey-dovey that even if you don't want it, there will be a sure guarantee of coupleness with your snoggee. That being said, it is also best to use the Astronomy Tower during the daytime or early evening, as snogging in front of a bunch of second-years in their eleven p.m. astronomy class is probably a major mood killer for all parties. One last note: don't fall off.

4. The quidditch pitch: Snogging at the quidditch pitch has a myriad of possibilities. Just two spectators? Go for a spot under the stands. No one will even notice you're gone. Snogging someone on the team? Anytime access to the locker room makes it a great option. Feeling daring? Go straight for center field. Just make sure no one's planning on flying, first. That could get ugly.

Now that you've been enlightened on suitably exciting new places to snog (and if you're not and Advanced Snogger GO BACK LIKE WE TOLD YOU), you may want to try certain, shall we say, "activities" involving the hands. Now we know what you're thinking, so let's not get ahead of ourselves. There will be no, repeat no instruction on any forms of groping within this publication. Rather, these are slightly more innocent, yet by no means innocent placements of the hands:

1. The Buttock region: Only advisable if your snoggee is of the female gender, one place you may fancy to let your hands wander is the area known as the buttock. This would, however, be considered taboo and doubtless result in the brand of angry snoggee outlined in Chapter Three: The Repercussions of Snogging, if said snoggee is not a) your boyfriend/girlfriend/itfriend, or b) your long time snog-buddy. Grabbing is also considered a bit voyeur, with rather a lightly placed hand considered favorable, as Fred found out the hard way.

2. The hair: It has long been considered "sexy" to, when engaged in the act of snogging, placed one's hands in the hair of the other. A general weaving motion for the fingers is favored, but pulling is, much like buttock grabbing, seldom appreciated. Only in various forms of scandalous novel is it considered appropriate behavior, but then, so is the ripping of bodices. Whatever that means.

Despite the informative quality of this chapter, it is the opinion of the authors that anyone who desires the title of Advanced Snogger is probably well aware of these tips and many more. If you ignored our warnings and chose to read ahead, then you are thoroughly deserving of whatever fates befall you. It would, for your own safety, be wisest if you simply used this information in staged anecdotes to inspire awe in your peers at slumber parties.