Fred and George's Guide to Snogging

Chapter Two: The Mechanics of Snogging

Though the authors of this book experienced some discrepancies while writing this chapter, there is, for the most part, a general method to snogging that will make it most enjoyable for both parties concerned.

For the most basic form of snogging, there are two main anatomical components: the lips and the tongue. Though many would argue that the hands factor into the equation, they are more of a side note and less worrisome to the first-time snogger. They, are of course, worth mentioning, but greater detail can be found in Chapter Four: Tips for the Advanced Snogger. Generally speaking, one party's arms will go around the other's neck, while the latter's will be around the former's waist. It is not adivsable, for a first snog, to let them wander away from here, else there may be some discontent on the part of your snogging partner. For futher details see Chapter Three: The Repurcussions of Snogging.

Now, the most obvious part of the body with which snogging occurs is the lips. Chances are, that if you are ready to move on to snogging, you have already kissed someone. If this is not the case, you are reading the wrong book. Put this one down and pick up Spin the Bottle, Seven Minutes in Heaven, and More: Fred and George's Guide to Kissing Games, for in a kissing game, unless you have the misfortune to never get a turn to spin the bottle, you will invariable be kissed. It does not matter whether your only kissing experience is derived from such games or what preteens call "love;" you are well on your way to becoming a successful snogger.

The most elementary and preliminary step of the snogging experience is to make contact with your snogging partner's lips. This is, preferably, done with your own lips, as any other part of the face can cause extreme awkwardness and/or injury. It is necessary to tilt one's head during this step, as colliding noses, particularly if the noses in question are rather large, can be quite uncomfortable. It is also recommended that some sort of lip balm or softening charm, as nobody wants to snog someone with chapped lips, again causing discomfort. A manly, unscented balm is favored for those of the male gender, while something fruity is preferable for the ladies.

Once contact has been made between the lips, it necessary for both parties to open their mouths, as it is this step that differentiates snogging from merely kissing. When kissing, the lips remain either closed or very slightly open, so that the kiss is amenable to whatever mood the kissers are trying to set, be they embarrassed first-timers or gushy and romantic. In snogging, however, the goal is not to set a mood, but rather to transfer large portions of your spit into the other person's mouth in as short a time as possible, always with a very frantic manner.

Now that the mouths are open, the true snogging can begin. This, of course, is done entirely with the tongue, and must be done skillfully for it to be considered a good snog. Also referred to as "tonsil-hockey" or "spit-swapping," both parties will insert their tongues into the other's mouth, and thus initiate the full snog. Mind you, this must be done at the same time by both parties, or else one will have the impression that the other is trying to choke the former with his or her tongue, and will no doubt be relatively upset. Just ask Angelina Johnson about Fred.

Here are a variety of Weasley Tongue Techniques (patent pending) that can be employed to ensure a reputation as a good snogger:

1. The Minute Hand: So named because of its motion, which mimics the minute hand on a clock, only faster. Kind of like a second hand, only that sounded weird at the time of its invention. The Minute Hand is performed by swirling the tongue around the tongue of the other in a clockwise direction.

2. The Time Turner: The same as the minute hand, only in a counter-clockwise fashion. Like you're going back in time. Get it?

3. The Snake: Not for the faint of heart, this involves a rapid in-and-out motion with the tongue, in a manner befitting its namesake animal.

4. The Dachshund: The Dachshund is named both for its motion, which is akin to a dog lapping up water, and the resemblence bewteen its namesake breed and its creator, Mr. Ronald Bilius Weasley.

The following techniques, popular among many first time snoggers, are to be avoided at all costs, unless one wishes to be the subject of many jeers and taunts, or the cause for vomiting on the part of onlookers.

1. The Cannibal: The Cannibal, popularized by Ronald Weasley of "The Dachshund" fame, is perhaps the most revolting sight in the world of snogging. It is characterized by the destinct appearance that the two snoggers, or rather the snogger and the snoggee, are eating each others' faces. DO NOT DO THIS, either figuratively or literally, unless you want one of the aforementioned fates to befall you.

2. The Flobberworm: The Flobberworm merely involves an excess amount of slobbery spit being deposited upon the face of your poor, innocent snoggee. If you are prone to excess salivation, it is advised that you find a charm to lessen the moisture, or fill your mouth with cotton balls just prior to snogging, of course spitting them out discreetly before the snogging is to commence. Ingesting a spoonful of cinnamon is also effective at drying the mouth, but is highly inadvisable. If you would like details, ask Mr. Percival Ignatius Weasley. He was once convinced to do it by our dearest brother Charlie Weasley. It was a sight to behold.

Upon reading this chapter, you should be able to do a relatively good job snogging the partner of your choice. Should you not feel confidence in your snogging abilities yet, give this chapter another read, or practice on your pillow. Note that it is unwise to practice pillow snogging in the presence of anyone else, as you will likely be ridiculed for the rest of your life.