Fred and George's Guide to Snogging

Chapter One: Getting Started

As anxious as you may be to get underway with your snogging conquests, it is first necessary to insure that you take precautions. Below this paragraph you will see a waiver, and you are required to sign this waiver in blood or some other legally binding fashion before employing any of the techniques or advice outlined in this book.

I, the undersigned, solemnly swear that I shall hold neither Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes nor the authors of this publication, Fred and George Weasley, responsible should any misfortune, injury, or legal consequences befall me while following the guidelines of this book. If I attempt to press charges against any of the aforementioned parties for any of the aforementioned reasons, I consent to resign myself to being hexed while this signed waiver is pried from my book and thrown in my face, thus nullifying any legal action.

Signature_____________________________ Date__________

Now that all legal matters are taken care of, you may be thinking that it's time to get down to some good old snogging, and you'd be partially right. The definition of snogging has already been laid out for you in the introduction, but if you think you're ready to get down to business, you are sadly mistaken. If you are desperate to begin your snogging career, then you may skip to Chapter Two: The Mechanics of Snogging, but unless there is an inordinately pretty girl/boy/being walking straight towards you with a sign that says "snog me," this is highly inadvisable.

Perhaps the best place to start is with a list of who is snoggable, and who is insnoggable. Now, if you set your mind to it, it is possible to snog anything with a mouth, but there are some creatures who are better suited for snogging than others. Here is a basic list of what you might consider snogging, combined with the patented Weasley Snog Rating System, to let you know how enjoyable your experience will be. Mind you, this list is mainly geared towards persons in the category of "bored teenagers" (see the Introduction for details), and if you, as a reader, do not fall into this category, feel free to mentally make amends.

1. Other students (WSRS 1-5): As humans, other students are optimal candidates for snogging. However, the wide variance on the WSRS scale is a product of the fact that, while most students are between average and outstanding attractiveness, their are others who look as though they've been permanently hexed Bat-Bogey style. Choose your snogging partner wisely when picking through your classmates, and never drink anything intoxicating unless the area is devoid of those with a WSRS rating of 1-2.

2. Teachers (WSRS 1): If you think they should have a higher rating than this, you have obviously not looked at your teachers very recently. Don't do it. You also run the risk of forever being "That Kid." Don't be him/her.

3. Werewolves (WSRS 2-5): This is solely dependent on the moon. An untransformed werewolf can function as a normal human, and therefore the normal variance in the WSRS applies. When transformed, however, they tend to bite, and nobody likes their snogging that kinky.

4. Vampires (WSRS 2): See the above "biting issue" with werewolves. However, given the choice between a vampire and a teacher, pick the vampire.

5. Merpeople (WSRS 1 or 5): This depends highly on the variety of merperson in question. If it's one of the ugly buggers that hangs out at the bottom of the lake at Hogwarts, take a pass. If it's one of those babes who hangs out on rocks singing and combing her hair all day, go for it.

6. Ghosts (WSRS ?): Don't really know how you'd manage this one. Might as well snog the air.

7. Centaurs (WSRS 4): If you can convince a centaur to snog you, you might as well do it because you'll never get another opportunity. Despite their human torsos, just remember that they have the bodies of horses, and are therefore going to be quite a bit taller than one would expect. Be sure you can make suitable arrangements so that their is no back-straining on the part of either party. Also, be sure that the centaur doesn't get to excited during the duration of the snog, as excited horses tend to jump everywhere and kick at things, proving a potentially dangerous situation.

8. Other beasties (WSRS 1): Any other beast that is more of an animal than humanoid will prove extremely reluctant should you attempt to snog it, and will also prove to be incredible slobbery should you succeed. It is also unwise to attempt to snog anything small, such as a fairy or a doxy, as their mouths are tiny and you would probably just end up swallowing them. If you are insistent on snogging some kind of miniature, relatively humanoid creature, then the house elf is your best bet, but you may feel the sudden urge to vomit when the deed is done.

Now that you have selected your target for the inevitable snog, it is time to begin your approach. There are two methods that generally yield successful results when it comes to securing a snog. You may either 1) Act like Gilderoy Lockhart and make subtle innuendos, or 2) tell the target that the bottle you have in your hand is butterbeer rather than firewhiskey and get them falling-down drunk.

On the rare occasion that the target happens to fancy you, neither of these will be necessary, as you will have a perfectly willing subject to start with and no manipulation is required.

Once you feel confident in your abilities to determine whether one is snoggable, as well as how to insure a snog is coming your way from said snoggable person, turn to Chapter Two: The Mechanics of Snogging, to find out how, exactly the deed is done.