Lily's Charm: The Gift

Chapter 35: Contradiction

1996

Memory returned to Harry before he had even opened his eyes.

Bellatrix...her face twisted into a cruel smile

Simon...as he was thrown viciously into the forest of trees.

And Sirius...

But those memories were different, layered over one another...Sirius' smile, his laughter as it matched Harry's own...his bewildered stance after Harry had yelled at him...his arms holding Harry tightly. And his eyes, as they stared up at nothing.

Dull pain radiated from Harry's chest, trailing in cold tracks through his limbs. A hurt so heavy that it ached for release. But Harry didn't want to give into it. Didn't want to remember how much he had loved him.

He didn't need to remember.

It was with quiet order and precision, that Harry prodded the memories deep below his shield, one by one until nothing remained but the quiet in and out of his own steady breaths.

Sirius was dead.

He hadn't been expecting it, certainly, but after all, Harry had only had a few short weeks to get used to his being around again. He could get used to Sirius being dead again quite easily. He'd already accepted it once.

He could do it again.

It would, in fact be much easier since he could safely bury Sirius beneath his shield.

Make him stay put this time.

Harry breathed deeply through his nose, taking in the scents around him-they were no longer outside; his ears were no longer tinged with cold.

Harry opened his eyes.

His father was sitting so close to the bed, that Harry wondered why he'd even bothered with a chair. The skin around Severus' eyes crinkled with anxiety. "How do you feel?" he asked; his voice was deep and strained.

Harry shrugged. "A bit sore." He looked around the room-his own bedroom, he realized. Remus was there as well, sitting at the edge of another chair. Harry gave him a little smile. "Hi, Remus."

Remus' eyes were shiny as he nodded. He looked lost; Harry felt a momentary pang of hurt for that, but he pushed it away. Remus would be okay this time-he had Tonks now, after all. Just like Harry now had his father.

Severus leaned over and pressed his palm to Harry's forehead. Harry dipped his eyebrows, searching his father's face. Severus frowned, which stayed in place even as he pulled his hand away. Suspicion swooped down on Harry suddenly as pain suddenly crossed through his father's eyes.

"Is something wrong with me?" he asked, pressing his palms into the mattress so that he could lift himself up. Severus shook his head as he put a hand around Harry's upper arm to assist.

"Bellatrix's Burning Curse had a cascading effect," he explained when Harry was sitting. "I was able to end it with the aid of several potions."

"It kept burning me, you mean?" He shivered a little as he remembered the way he had felt like he was on fire, even though Bellatrix's flames had not licked his skin-not even once. "Have I been asleep for long, then?" he asked.

"Since yesterday evening, yes," Severus said quietly. "I gave you a Sleeping Draught when we returned to Hogwarts." His eyes were even more anxious now. "And a Dream Suppressive."

Harry nodded slowly; he remembered some of last night, he supposed. Brief periods of submerged lucidity.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "I feel all right." He raised his eyebrows a bit. "Is it okay if I get up and dress?"

Severus' frown deepened. Before he answered, he waved his already-drawn wand over Harry's prone form. "Do you feel weak at all?" he finally asked. "Dizzy?" When Harry shook his head, Severus nodded, but he looked very ill at ease.

Memories once again began to filter into Harry's mind.

Screaming at his father that he hated him--hitting him even.

And he remembered why. His dad had killed Bellatrix.

Harry unclenched his teeth slowly, only just realizing as his dad stared at him that he had even reacted to the onslaught of memories.

Drawing in another slow breath, through his mouth this time, Harry let those memories ebb away as well.

He flipped the lightweight blanket off of his legs. As he swung his legs over the edge, he asked as casually as he could, "Will there be an inquiry into Bellatrix's death?"

Severus shook his head. "A simple case of self-defense. Tonks submitted her report."

Harry nodded, relieved that his dad wouldn't have to answer to any authorities.

His dad looked like he wanted to say more, but Harry didn't give him a chance. He stood quickly, relieved that he didn't seem to be feeling any ill-effects from Bellatrix's curse.

"It was Dawn," he said off-handedly as he padded over to his bureau.

"Yes," Severus answered to Harry's back, his voice even quieter than it had been a moment ago. "Bellatrix was using a very complicated glamour-"

Harry nodded as he turned back around--he didn't really want to know the specifics. "I figured," he interrupted. The lines around Severus' mouth deepened; Harry looked away. "I'll just get a shower, I guess," he said, gesturing vaguely toward the door.

Remus, he noted warily, was staring at him intently. Harry forced his shoulders to relax as Remus stood.

"Harry..." Remus' bottom lip was quivering. He made a sort of choking sound, and then he stumbled forward, his arms coming around Harry in a grip so fierce that Harry stumbled back a step. Remus didn't even seem to notice.

Once Harry had regained his footing, he patted Remus clumsily on a shoulder blade. And then he gave a little tug against Remus' hold. He met his dad's gaze over Remus' shoulder, and quickly looked down again.

"Er...I really should have a shower. I, uh...I feel a bit grotty."

Remus' arms slackened a little. Harry quickly stepped back, and turned away, his bundle of clean clothes pressed to his chest. He passed his father quickly, keeping his eyes trained solidly on the stones beneath his feet.

--

Severus watched Harry step quickly past, listening to his purposeful footsteps against the old stones with a furrowed brow. His instincts had been shattered as soon as Remus had embraced Harry. Severus had assumed that such contact was the first thing Harry would want when he woke. He'd been waiting, rather impatiently, to supply it.

But now, he had no idea how to proceed.

And he had to force himself not to go after Harry.

He turned slightly at the sounds of robes rustling. Remus was sitting on the bed, staring at his hands. He hadn't said a word, not one since he'd followed Severus and Harry home last night. Tonks had come afterward, after a long trip to the Ministry. She'd only left a few hours ago, in fact. Remus hadn't seemed to notice her presence, or her absence. He had simply sat all night, watching Harry sleep.

He looked up now, and his eyes were filled with so much pain, Severus almost looked away. Remus jaw trembled; his hands were wound tightly in his robes now.

"I loved him," he finally gasped, his voice raw and jagged.

Severus' jaw tensed as he tried to keep eye contact with the other man--tried to keep his eyes from widening with surprise. Remus stared at him for a long moment, and then he pushed himself up jerkily. He weaved slightly as he surged forward.

Severus caught his arms as he stumbled. Remus' head snapped up, and he stared at Severus, his eyes filled with tears now. A harsh breath tumbled from his lips in a great whoosh, and then he ripped his arm away and fled the room.

Severus stared at the empty corridor as he heard the door in the sitting room slamming; his curled fingers were pulsing slightly from loss of the tight grip.

Closing his eyes briefly, and attempting futilely to push the image of Black's unseeing eyes from his mind, he went slowly into the sitting room, so confused that he was almost in a daze.

He forced himself to focus momentarily. Realizing that it would certainly not help Harry to lose another so close, he grabbed a handful of glittering powder, flung it into the grate, and called for Tonks' flat. He stuck his head through the flames as soon as they sprung up. Tonks had already turned toward the fireplace, though she looked surprised to see Severus in the flames.

"Is Remus all right?" she asked worriedly.

"He is...somewhat distraught," Severus answered, trying not to allow any discomfort to enter his tone. "He left Hogwarts. I need to stay with Harry."

Tonks nodded, and began to stand, only to falter a little. She clutched at the arm of her chair, and sank into its depths with a little gasp, her hand pressed into her abdomen.

Without thinking about the motion, Severus immediately stepped through the flames. He had his wand out seconds later as he reached her chair, but Tonks shook her head.

"I'm all right," she said, a little breathlessly. She smiled when Severus raised an eyebrow. "I just stood too quickly."

She stood up, slowly this time, and stepped around Severus. He didn't have a chance to say more before she quickly pulled a heavy cloak from a peg near her front door and slipped quietly from the room.

Severus' mind didn't linger on either Tonks or Remus. Remus would find comfort with Tonks, he was certain. Harry, on the other hand....

Severus stepped swiftly through the Floo and was spun expertly back to his sitting room.

He waited impatiently for Harry to finish his shower, pacing a little in front of the fireplace until after what seemed like an eternity, Harry finally came into the room. His hair was pressed in a damp clutch close to his scalp--it didn't even look liked he'd run a towel through it.

A few drops of water slipped past his fringe.

Harry pushed the excess hair off his forehead impatiently as he stepped in from the corridor.

He paused, his eyebrows drawn together. "Did Remus leave?" he asked. He relaxed measurably when Severus nodded.

"Are you hungry?" Severus asked hesitantly, still unsure how to begin a conversation about Black. He was surprised when Harry answered in the affirmative.

"Famished, actually," Harry corrected as several dishes appeared on the table. He slid into his seat, and unfolded his napkin without hesitation. He glanced up at Severus, who was still standing. "You aren't eating?"

"I ate this morning," Severus murmured, only mildly bothered by the lie.

"Oh." Harry nodded, and then he poured out a rather large amount of pumpkin juice into a glass, and slid it across the table. "Unless you prefer coffee?" he said with a tiny smile.

Severus kept his features carefully under control as he sat across from Harry and watched with growing alarm as Harry dished out hearty portions from the serving platters, until his plate was nearly overflowing with scrambled egg.

Severus blinked when the large metal spoon clattered noisily as Harry dropped it back onto the platter. Harry didn't appear to notice; he poured another excessive amount of pumpkin juice into his own glass, and then he began to butter his toast.

"Do you need any help with frogs this morning?" he asked conversationally as he scraped the knife back and forth.

With a deft movement, Severus plucked the knife from Harry's hand. Harry's hand hung in mid-air for a surprised moment, before he lowered it back to the table.

"Harry," Severus began carefully as he set the knife on the table, "I know it is easier to ignore what happened last night-"

"Bellatrix killed Sirius," Harry interrupted evenly. He set the over-buttered slice of toast on the summit of his egg mountain. "I'm not ignoring it," he said as he brushed the crumbs from his palms.

Severus reached forward and settled his hand very gently atop Harry. Harry glanced at it briefly but didn't pull away. "If you wish to speak about-"

"There isn't any need to," Harry said with a shrug. "He's dead. Whinging on about it won't help that."

Severus ignored the tightening sensation in his chest. "Giving voice to your emotion is not whinging, Harry," he said quietly. "It may-"

Harry pulled his hand away.

Severus' fingers curled against the smooth tabletop, as Harry smiled wryly. "You said this the first time, remember?" The first time... "But I'm really all right," Harry went on blithely as he folded his hands in his lap, "though I guess it wouldn't have hurt to let Remus have a bit of a cry if he needed one."

"You and Remus both suffered a great loss," Severus said, his worry spiking at the slightly disdainful tone in Harry's voice. "Tears are perfectly natural."

Harry shrugged.

"I know that." The legs of his chair scraped along the floor as he stood up. "So, frogs, then? Or something else?"

Severus pursed his lips as he tried to understand why Harry was pretending he was unaffected by his godfather's sudden death. Except that it didn't seem like Harry was pretending. Severus couldn't feel any emotions from his son, not at all. Gently enough that Harry wouldn't notice, Severus probed the tiny wisp nestled protectively in his own flames--the wisp was dense and closed off.

Severus frowned.

Not wanting to repeat some of their earlier experiences after Harry had buried his emotions, Severus stood as well, and gestured silently for Harry to join him on the long sofa. Harry looked confused, but he sat obediently. His hands were once again folded in his lap-an undeniably protective gesture. His fringe had once again fallen into his eyes.

Keeping his own emotions at bay, Severus swept the fringe aside. Harry closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, inhaling a little bit. And then, as if realizing he had given something away, his eyes popped open and he straightened up.

Severus settled his hand on Harry's shoulder, and was grateful that Harry didn't object.

When Severus spoke again, his voice was rougher than he would have liked. "You need not pretend that you are not hurting."

Harry's jaw tightened, and in that instant, pain flooded Harry's wisp. It was gone again before Severus could focus on it.

"I'm not-"

"I can feel your shields," Severus said softly, and in the next moment, he regretted the fumbling attempt at helping his son. Harry stood abruptly.

"You don't need to poke about in my head," he said tightly. Before Severus could protest Harry's wording, Harry was speaking again. "And we already covered this," he went on in a more measured tone as he stuffed his fists in his pockets. "He's died twice now. We don't need to spend any more time discussing how I need to mourn for him."

Severus kept his eyes firmly on his son's. "I realize you need to time to process what happened-"

"No," Harry said, his breath huffing out in frustration, "I don't. I watched Bellatrix kill him. I understand what that means. I went through this already. But it's different this time."

"Why?" Severus couldn't keep his voice from trying to break as he struggled to keep his it even.

Harry flipped a hand through his hair, something that Severus had never seen Harry do, and it reminded him eerily of James. "I have you now, right?" he said with yet another casual shrug. "And I barely knew Sirius, not really, anyway. And I don't need him like I did before. He only used to be my only family."

Severus narrowed his eyes as Harry's voice took on a strange, far-away cadence, as if he was reciting a very detailed list, long since forgotten.

"And honestly, his first time through the Veil, well that was a bit of a waste, wasn't it? He died laughing, you know, and it was sort of an accident, really. So at least this time, he would have been happy with the way it happened. He was trying to save me, you know." He gestured randomly toward Severus. "I mean, obviously it was you he saved, but I wouldn't have been able to function half so well if you'd died, so I am really grateful for that part, you know. And it's not as if I wanted Sirius to die. Of course I didn't, but I managed once, so..."

Harry's fingers flitted in the air, and then he fell silent. "Oh, and about what I said," he said, his face scrunching up a little, "well, I didn't mean it."

Severus had to swallow as his throat tightened. "I know," he agreed softly. "You were upset-"

Harry nodded, and Severus could see his throat constricting. "I was, yeah...a bit." He glanced away as he cleared his throat. "So...can we work on one of your potions then?" he asked as his eyes met Severus' again.

Severus, uncertain if playing at normalcy was a good idea, wanted to shake his head, and insist that they speak about Black, but the Floo opened before he could. Arthur Weasley's face poked uncertainly through the green flames. Severus stood.

"Severus...Harry," Arthur greeted them with a tentative nod. "I don't wish to disturb you..."

"Step through, Arthur, by all means," Severus said, inclining his head.

Arthur nodded again and stepped onto the hearth rug. He gave Harry a very sad smile. "We wanted to offer our condolences," he said in his soft voice.

"Thank you, sir." Harry's cheeks flushed the slightest bit, though Severus couldn't ascertain the reason for the sudden color.

Arthur patted Harry's shoulder three times before pulling his hand away. "Ginny and Ron both wanted to see you, of course, but Molly thought it best that I should check on your first..."

Harry wetted his bottom lips and nodded. "Thanks."

Arthur's Adam's apple bobbed a few times. "Sirius...well, he'll be sincerely missed, Harry. He was-"

"I know," Harry said quickly, his voice gruff as he nodded jerkily. Arthur blinked a few times, but nodded along with Harry.

"Of course you do," he said kindly. Another few pats to Harry's shoulder. "Whenever you're ready for visitors, Harry, Ginny and Ron will both come. Or," he added with a warm smile, "you know you are always welcome at the Burrow."

"Thanks," Harry repeated, still sounding too tense to Severus' ear. He ducked his head as he continued apologetically, "My dad and I were going to work on a few potions this morning, though..."

"A wonderful idea," Arthur put in soothingly, catching Severus' eye over Harry's bowed head. The worry in the other man's face was startling clear. Severus knew, of course, academically anyway, that the Weasleys were very fond of Harry--loved him even, but it was still a bit disconcerting to see that communicated so openly in Arthur's face.

"Perhaps we will be able to pay a visit in the morning," Severus said. Arthur nodded in understanding. Harry said nothing, though he did finally look up again.

"Will you tell Ginny and Ron not to worry?" he asked. "Tell them I'm all right?"

Arthur squeezed Harry's shoulder. "They'll worry nonetheless," he said quietly. Addressing Severus, he said, "If you need any help with the funeral arrangements-"

Harry jerked a little at that, and Arthur fell silent.

"Come and see us when you can," he said after a moment. And with another glance for Severus, Arthur stepped back through the flames and was whisked away.

Harry's shoulders relaxed as the flames died down. He turned and headed straight for Severus' lab. Severus followed slowly in his wake, as he attempted to decide how to broach the subject of Black's funeral.

"What are you working on?" Harry asked as he slid into one of the stools. He leaned over the table to peek inside the two cauldrons that were being held in stasis shields. He pulled back abruptly. "That's...the Curse Repellent...isn't it?" he asked quietly. At Severus' silent nod, Harry drew in a slow breath.

"We do not know if it would have worked," Severus told him, wanting to somehow force his son to give in to the grief he was so obviously feeling.

Harry stood up, his eyes glued to the cauldron. "Right," he agreed. He swerved around the stool, backed up a few steps, and turned so abruptly that he smacked into Severus' chest; Severus steadied him with a nimble hand.

"You know, I don't really feel much like gutting frogs," Harry said as he stepped back. "Maybe we could take a walk or something." He tugged at his collar with a finger. "It feels sort of hot in here."

"We will have to put several different warding spells on you before we can leave the castle's protection. Bellatrix did not use a Portkey that we could find." At Harry's look of confusion, Severus explained, "She placed a spell on you, and it may be able to be used by someone else."

Harry sighed. "We?" he asked, completely bypassing more important questions.

"I would prefer to have Albus' help with the counter spells. However, he is indisposed at the moment."

Harry didn't even ask why. His shoulders slumped.

"Bellatrix was working with Simon, as you know," Severus continued, watching Harry carefully for a reaction, but Harry only nodded. "And Lucius has been called before the Wizengamot. A mistrial will likely be declared."

"Well," Harry said wearily, "maybe Dumbledore can help us after he's finished there."

"The castle grounds are warded," Severus told him, making it a suggestion, but Harry shook his head.

"Maybe I'll lie down for awhile."

Severus nodded, but Harry didn't turn toward the corridor. His hands were once again stuffed in his pockets; his shoulders hunched up.

No longer able to still his anxiety, Severus stepped toward his son and put an arm around his shoulders. Harry's shoulders fell back into a more natural position and he leaned forward limply. His breathing was too shallow, but at least he didn't pull away.

Severus brought his other arm up and pulled Harry closer. Harry didn't move, didn't reciprocate in any way. But he was almost a dead weight in Severus' arms.

Tentatively, Severus projected as much warmth through his shields as he could, and hoped it would be enough until Harry was ready to grieve.

They stood together in their comfortable silence for a long time.

"I'm really tired," Harry finally mumbled, actually sounding like he was this time, but even so, he made absolutely no effort to move.

"I will give you a Dream Suppressive," Severus assured him.

"I don't need it. I'm really all right." And still, Harry didn't push away. "I hadn't time to get used to him being back."

Severus carded his fingers lightly through Harry's rumpled hair and nodded. "That does not mean you will not miss him."

Harry had no response to that.

"I will sit with you until you fall asleep."

Harry's breathing deepened just enough to signal to Severus that he had answered the question that Harry had been unwilling to ask.

Harry nodded, and after another few seconds, he stepped back. His cheeks were uncommonly pale. Severus kept on arm around his shoulder, and with Harry leaning into the support, they walked together back to Harry's room. Harry sank onto the bed while Severus plucked two vials from the full tray beside the bed.

Harry took the proffered potions without protest, drinking them in two swift gulps. Harry tossed the empty vials between his hands; the glass clinked delicately.

"I'm all right," he said softly, his voice already beginning to slur as the Sleeping Potion attempted to take hold. Severus nodded, and gestured for Harry to get under the covers. Harry ignored the blanket at the foot of the bed and simply twisted so that he was lying on his side. The two vials rolled onto the sheet as he flexed his fingers lazily.

Severus tugged the blanket up to Harry's shoulder and bent to retrieve the vials. Harry caught his hand; Severus curled his fingers comfortingly around his son's. Harry's eyes suddenly had focus as he gazed into Severus'.

"You're not going anywhere, right?" he asked quietly. Severus lowered himself lightly onto the mattress; Harry rolled onto his back, his eyes still on his father.

Severus shook his head. "No," he assured his son as smoothed the blanket. Harry swallowed as he nodded against his pillow. He closed his eyes, his fingers tightening around Severus'. And even as his breathing steadied with sleep, his grip did not slacken.

Severus stayed beside him, and held his hand.

--

Harry stepped onto the dais.

The Veil was beckoning to him. Harry reached his hand toward its filmy surface.

As the tips of his fingers brushed the flowing curtain, he could swear that he could hear Sirius' voice, softly summoning him.

"I'm coming," Harry called.

He stepped through.

Harry blinked in confusion as he found his darkened room instead of the void-like place that he remembered as the space beyond the Veil.

He could see his dad in the same chair he'd been in earlier; his head flopped in that uncomfortable angle of deep sleep. His dad's hand was still gripping his. Harry re-settled his head on his soft pillow, and let his mind drift over the images he'd seen his sleep.

It wasn't a dream; couldn't be, since he'd obediently taken his father's potion.

It had been his mind, working over a problem, trying to solve it. Sirius had come back once, the deep places in his mind had reasoned. He'd never really been gone, in fact. And though Harry had gotten used to his absence once, there wasn't really any reason to do it again.

And even though he didn't need Sirius-his fingers squeezed absently against his dad's-well, Sirius deserved a chance to live.

He gave his life for me.

And Remus would want him to come back.

I don't need him the way I used to...but that doesn't mean he wouldn't want to be here anyway.

Harry nodded.

Yes, Sirius would want to come back.

Harry smiled.

The first thing he'd need to do would be to send a letter to Hermione. She'd know where to start...