Lily's Charm: The Gift

1996

Harry shrugged away from Severus as soon as they stepped onto the hearth rug. Severus let his arm fall back to his side. They stared at each other.

"Do your hands hurt?" Severus finally asked, breaking the silence. Harry glanced down at his knuckles as if surprised by the question. The skin was scraped and beginning to darken with bruises; it was even bleeding slightly. And it bloody well did hurt, but Harry only nodded. "A wrap which has been soaked in Murtlap Sap will help," Severus told him. He gestured toward his lab.

Harry led the way; he sat heavily on one of the stools as Severus moved toward the largest of his cupboards. He took a large jar filled with sap-soaked strips of cloth. He extracted two of them and turned back to Harry. Harry was watching his movements, his mouth set in a thin line. Severus pushed his unease away.

"Your hands," he directed softly. Harry held out his hands, knuckles up. With gentle movements, Severus carefully wrapped each row of knuckles, winding the strips several times around. When he was finished, he waved his wand and chanted a spell over each hand. "That will keep the wraps in place."

Harry nodded as he pulled his hands back toward the edge of the table. "Thanks," he murmured.

"You are welcome." Severus carefully kept his tone from matching the stiffness in Harry's. After he re-capped the jar and placed it back in his cupboard, he asked quietly, "Do you wish to discuss your conversation with Black?"

Harry's hands stayed very still on the table. "He already told you what we talked about."

"Is that all you spoke about?" Severus attempted to keep his voice neutral but it was impossible; he was still seething over the Black's verbal cruelty.

"I agreed that you were an arsehole." Severus had no time to recover from that particular, unexpected blow, as Harry continued blithely, "And then I reminded him that he didn't care enough about me to come check on me either until he saw that picture of Ron's rat." He laughed bitterly. "Even Scabbers rated a visit before I did."

Severus struggled for what to say. It hadn't occurred to him that Harry might feel resentment toward Black, especially as it was an irrational resentment. No one else had had any reason to believe that Harry's relatives' wouldn't have loved Harry as their own. Harry was already nodding tiredly, as if he'd understood Severus' silence.

"I know it's a stupid thing to be angry over, but I am anyway."

"You have every right to be angry-"

"I know," Harry interrupted tersely. "And you made certain Sirius would have no doubt about that."

Severus stared at his son, bewildered. "What do you mean?"

"You don't understand," Harry told him, emphasizing his words with a sharp shake of his head. Severus narrowed his eyes as he considered the unexpected statement, placing it uncertainly.

"I understand that you are angry with me, and you have every right to be. My past mistakes-"

"You have to stop that!" Harry's slightly manic demand snapped Severus' mouth shut in mid-sentence. "Stop believing that you don't deserve to be my father!"

Severus stared at his son, completely taken aback by Harry's words. "Harry, I-"

"No," Harry said with a vehement shake of his head. "How could you let Sirius go on that way and not say anything? You agreed with him! With everything he said!" Harry exhaled a harsh breath. "How the hell are we ever going to be 'just father and son', like you said we could be, if you give me the brush-off every time you convince yourself I'm going to decide I agree with Sirius as well?"

When Severus could only stare at his son in utter confusion, for the words wouldn't register in his brain, Harry threw up his bandaged hands in exasperation. "I acted like a complete berk for days and instead of telling me to knock it off, you turned off all your emotions while you waited for me to tell you I didn't want to be your son. And all that meant was that I actually believed it when Voldemort said you didn't want me!"

Severus tried to slow his erratic breathing--it was actually becoming painful. He'd had no idea that this was the source of Harry's anger. Severus had prepared himself for anger directed at his years of mistreatment. But this--to hear Harry say that he, Severus, was still a source of the kind of pain that had unleashed the violent anger in the Infirmary... It was...unthinkable. Shaking his head slowly, he said gruffly, "I never meant for you believe-"

"Well, what the sodding hell else was I supposed to think?" Harry erupted. "All I could see that night before you practically shoved me through the portrait hole was Snape--the man who hated me for years! Not a father who loves me. Of course I believed that you hated me. You were acting like you did."

Severus wanted to take a step toward Harry, to assure him that he had not hated him for a moment, that he loved him more than he had the ability to describe, but his feet wouldn't obey his command. And this didn't seem to be about anything as simple as whether or not Severus loved him. What could he say...save his deepest regrets for the pain he'd inadvertently caused his son that night?

"Harry..." Severus said painfully, "I am deeply sorry-"

Harry stood up abruptly; his stool scraped viciously across the stone floor. "Stop being sorry," he ordered angrily, "and just be my father."

Severus' chest was constricting harshly as he reeled with what Harry was trying to say to him, and he couldn't formulate words by this point, but Harry wasn't nearly finished. His green eyes were dancing with renewed anger--all of it for Severus now. And, Severus finally realized as Harry's words sunk in, that it wasn't just about the past few days.

Harry's next words might as well have been blows.

"Do you even know how long it took me to stop thinking of you as Snape, the git who despised me and just see you as my father...how hard it was for me to accept that you might be able to love me? You went back and forth between the two for so long, that I almost never knew who was going to show up. You can't do that to me anymore." Harry's lip began to quiver. "I'm tired of wondering whether or not you want me." The words were almost swallowed by the dry sob that broke free from Harry's chest.

Before Severus could even begin to search for something to say--anything to attempt to comfort his son, Harry turned sharply away and left the lab with quick strides. Severus gripped the edge of the table; he was beginning to feel unsteady. But he watched, unable to tear his eyes away from Harry's slightly slumped back, until Harry turned the corner toward his room. And then the soft click that accompanied Harry's door closing tore Severus' heart to shreds.

--

As soon as the door closed behind him, Harry leaned his back against it, his palms pressing flat against the wood. His head thumped to meet the door as well, his face turned up to the ceiling as he tried to get his breathing back under control. Spasms were coursing through Harry's chest and gut; he squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn't do any good. The conversations of the last hour were swirling mercilessly in his thoughts. His own words were shouting back at him in an echoing taunt.

He'd called his father an areshole, not only to Sirius, but right to his face.

You called him a git as well, his conscience reminded him as bits of conversation screeched at him.

I hate myself every day for what I've done to my son.

You don't deserve to be Harry's father. Sirius had shouted it right into Severus' face. And then, in front of so many people Harry loved, his father had laid bare his greatest fear. And Harry had just spent the last ten minutes telling his father to how much that fear was hurting him.

The knife twisting in Severus' back...

Harry brought his fists up to his eyes and pressed his heels into his eyes; he slid down to the floor, his legs folding at the knee until he could rest his elbows on them. The guilt he'd felt over the past twelve hours was nothing compared to the guilt he felt now. He didn't want to be so angry--not over a past that none of them could change, or over his father's fear of rejection.

But he was, damn it. He was furious. And he was still feeling very close to rage at his godfather for saying all those things in the first place and making him think about things he preferred to keep buried. And now Harry had destroyed any of hope of that.

He let out the breath he'd been holding, knowing he'd be crying if he wasn't feeling so empty inside. He wished he could make his mind equally as barren.

Harry sat there, turning his unhelpful thoughts over and over his mind, until he was forced to give into his protesting bladder hours later. Sighing, Harry pushed himself to his feet, wincing as he levered himself up; his hands were beginning to pulse with renewed pain. Steeling himself for possibly meeting his father in the corridor, Harry opened the door.

His father was just coming out of his own room.

Harry's insides gnawed at him as he took in his father's ashen face; there were shadows under his eyes that hadn't been there before. He looked the very picture of misery. But as soon as he saw Harry, Severus straightened and Harry could easily see that he was struggling to compose himself. Harry wanted to say something to break the silence, but he couldn't come up with anything more meaningful than his rather urgent need to use the loo, so he said nothing.

"I was on my way to my lab."

Harry blinked at the unnecessary filler. "Loo," he explained for himself.

Severus inclined his head. Harry stared at his father for another moment before he realized that he was waiting for Harry to go first. He ducked his head and trudged into the washroom. His anger hadn't entirely dissipated, but he certainly wasn't boiling over like he'd been earlier and now he was wary of his father's reaction to what he'd said. If there was ever a time for Severus to react with the old coldness, this was certainly it.

Harry ran a hand through his hair, in a completely ineffectual attempt to still his nerves as he left the loo. He paused right before he reached the sitting room. He didn't particularly want to spend the rest of the evening in his room, but neither was he ready to talk to his dad. He sighed and went into the sitting room anyway. Severus was reading a scroll near the table.

He looked up at Harry's light footsteps. And again the two of them stared at one another.

"Minerva has set the detention for you and your housemates for this evening, right after dinner," Severus finally broke the silence.

"Oh," was Harry's brilliant response. Severus handed the parchment to Harry. It said essentially the same thing except for ordering Harry to report to the D.A.D.A classroom for detention with Remus. Harry shook his head, knowing immediately that McGonagall had obviously taken Dumbledore's words to heart earlier--or perhaps this was his father's influence. He'd received a token detention, for the benefit of his housemates. He sighed and tossed the parchment back on the table.

Severus was watching him. "Are you feeling pain in your hands?"

"A bit."

"I should re-dress them before we leave for the Great Hall. It is nearly six o'clock," he said quietly, and since he obviously wasn't going to make mention of the phony detention, Harry certainly wasn't going to. There was very little point, and besides it would be much more normal for him to accept that he was dodging a punishment he clearly deserved, wouldn't it?

Harry followed Severus into the lab again, though he really wanted to tell his father that he had no desire to go to the Great Hall and see anyone who wanted to make a fuss over him about Voldemort. He grimaced to himself as he remembered his giant-sized ego of the past days. It was actually quite surprising that no one had begun to claim earlier that Harry had been possessed by Voldemort. He had certainly been acting like it.

"If you are ready?"

Harry pursed his lips at the murmured inquiry. He pushed down the resurgence of guilt as he complied and watched his father removing the strips of cloth with movements designed to be conscious of tender skin.

Why the hell did he have to say those awful things? He'd meant every word, but he knew if he had easy access to a time turner, he'd cuff his past self on the head and tell him to keep his big mouth shut.

"Is it really so late?" Harry asked, wanting to fill the awkward silence once his hands were freshly bandaged. He hadn't noticed that so much time had passed, and of course he wasn't feeling hungry at all. He was much too jittery.

"It is."

Harry watched Severus replacing his jar of strips in the cupboard. He seemed to be taking much longer than was necessary. When he turned around again, his eyes were dark. After another stiff moment, Severus made a noise that Harry had never heard from him before. He'd cleared his throat, a sound so disconcertingly foreign, that Harry almost blurted out a retraction to everything he'd said.

"Harry..." he said in a quiet voice, "...I am uncertain how to-"

The expectation of the end of that sentence fanned Harry's dormant anger. "You haven't even tried and you're already giving up?" he demanded. His father's black eyes widened a little, and then he seemed to wilt a little, but perhaps it was only a trick of the extra candles that were always lit in the lab.

"I have no intention of giving up," Severus said softly, and Harry could feel the hurt that his quick accusation had caused; there had been no trick of the candlelight. "I am uncertain how to continue this conversation without causing you further pain."

"Oh."

"I had no idea, Harry, that my actions were hurting you so much."

Harry studied his wraps. That doesn't make it go away, he said silently. But with a shrug he simply said, "I know."

"I had-" Severus' words faltered as his face struggled not to crumple. "I had expected your anger to be focused on the way I treated you during the past school years."

Harry's insides squirmed frantically. "I-" There didn't seem to be an easy response to that, so Harry didn't continue the attempt. He wanted to explain that he wasn't so much angry about the years past, as he was terrified of them. Terrified that they would become the present. Harry shivered at the horrific thought.

Severus clasped his hands together; the uncharacteristic gesture gathered Harry's attention. "I realize now that the two issues are intertwined." Even though the words were soft, Harry flinched at them. The intervening hours must have been torturous for his father. And yet, Harry's lingering, unresolved anger wouldn't allow him to apologize.

There was another stretch of silence, during which Harry tried to figure out the best way to make all of this go away. He couldn't. He swallowed painfully; his throat was beginning to burn. "I don't want to be angry."

At the forlorn words, sadness and grief shadowed his father's eyes. "You are not ready to forgive me; anger is a natural part of the process."

The clinical assessment had Harry gritting his teeth in frustration and spinning around to face the sitting room.

"Harry?"

Harry sought guidance from the ceiling. "You don't understand." The echoed words stabbed at both of them. "I have forgiven you, but it doesn't even make any difference, because you won't forgive yourself."

"How can I, Harry? How can I forgive myself for hurting you?" The strangled whisper brought tears to Harry's eyes, and he wanted more than anything to simply throw his arms around his father and tell he hadn't meant any of it. But the grief was overwhelmed by the anger, still so raw in the wounds re-opened first by Voldemort and then again by Sirius.

"Because if you don't, you'll just keep hurting me."

The silence that followed clung to Harry like a damp blanket, soaking him in regret. He could hear his father's slightly uneven breathing behind him. And Harry knew of all the words he'd spoken tonight, these hurt his father the most. And in that silent moment, Harry had a fleeting wish to punch Sirius right in the nose.

--

Severus stared at the back of Harry's head, wishing more than he ever had that he had killed his mother, instead of showing her mercy. She deserved no less than Voldemort's slowest torture. But beyond that dark desire, Severus had no idea how to proceed. As it was when Harry had first explained his anger, Severus' first instinct was to retreat, in preparation for the inevitable.

He forced himself not to give in.

Severus held no delusions that Harry would not eventually discover him for who he truly was, but in those moments, Severus made a vow. He would not cause his son even one more moment of pain, even though it would make the inevitable all the more impossible to bear.

Severus wanted to say as much to Harry, but Harry spoke before he could.

"I probably shouldn't be late for dinner if I'm going to make it to my detention afterwards." His hoarse voice sounded like one of the Muggle foghorns Severus had once heard when he'd run away from home. A disastrous adventure...and a painful one, once he'd been caught...

Harry went into the sitting room almost as soon as the words left his mouth. Severus, stilling his trembling fingers, followed and then led the way out into the shadowy corridors. Harry walked as quickly as possible, and though Severus had no difficulty keeping up with his son's long strides, he was well aware that Harry was hoping to reach the Great Hall swiftly enough that speech would be unnecessary. Severus attempted conversation only once.

"You do not need to serve the detention, if you do not wish to."

"Yes I do," Harry returned tersely. They were both silent the remainder of the long walk.

The students in the Great Hall seemed even more eager to see Harry than they had been before. Severus watched Harry's reaction carefully, but Harry only nodded distractedly toward those who were clamoring, as he and Severus walked down the aisle. His entire attitude, from the way he held himself, to the look on his face, was in stark opposition to the Harry who'd greeted his fans only yesterday. It made Severus all the more certain that Harry had been influenced by Black.

Yet another reason to loathe the other man.

Once they'd reached the end of the seemingly never-ending aisle, Severus paused as he struggled for something to say that wouldn't betray his desire to pull his emotions back inside himself. Not coming up with a suitable comment to leave his son with, Severus simply patted Harry lightly on the shoulder; the movement was intolerably awkward.

Harry gave him a strained smile and plunked heavily into his customary seat at the long Gryffindor table. His friends were all in the midst of complaining about their upcoming detentions.

"Ginny didn't think you'd be here, Harry. She wasn't very hungry."

Severus watched Harry frown at Ms. Granger's words before he turned, feeling like his heart was filled with sand, and went to his place at the Head Table. He gave Lupin a brief glance as he sat in his chair.

"I would have expected you to be with Black, unless you've finally accepted him for the bastard he is, after that little display?" Severus' query was virulent with sarcasm. Remus sighed, sounding extremely fatigued.

"He's staying at Grimmauld Place for now. I went with to help him get settled. Poppy's with him now." He turned to give Harry a worried look. "Minerva asked me to supervise detention for Harry and his friends...how is he?"

Severus finished slicing his chicken into six even pieces before answering. "As to be expected after Black saw fit to scream abuses at him. Or did you expect Harry to be unaffected by his cruelty?"

"Believe me, Severus, I am no happier with Sirius than you are. I'm furious with him, actually," he added softly. Severus looked over to Remus in surprise, his snark momentarily forgotten. Remus smiled sadly at him. "Sirius isn't overly pleased with himself either." He sighed again. "He was exonerated from all the charges against him--Albus arranged it. He was despondent that Harry wasn't able to share it with him."

"As he should have been," Severus said coldly. Remus didn't respond as he turned back to his plate.

Neither he nor Remus did much more than stab random pieces of meat and potatoes with their forks. Both of them spent most of the meal watching Harry doing the same with his own dinner. Conversations were going all around Harry but Harry very seldom added anything. His throng of admirers didn't seem to notice; they continued jabbering happily.

Minerva finally wiped the happy smiles off their faces when she descended on them and began pointing imperiously toward the door. Once most of the offenders from her own house were gathering up their belongings, she moved on to gather the stray Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws who had somehow found their way to the gathering last night.

Harry was rising slowly with Weasley; the other boy was looking most put-out. Ms. Granger rolled her eyes as she tugged on his arm. Harry glanced up at the Head Table. His eyes met Severus'. Severus allowed his lips to life the tiniest bit in a smile, hoping to ease some of his son's anxiety. But oddly enough, that seemed to further Harry's discomfort. He turned away, hunched up his shoulders and followed after his friends.

Severus closed his eyes, as the familiar torrent of guilt flooded through him. The acidic tide ate slowly away at his security, exposing the self-doubts--the loathing. The guilt would begin to torment him, as it always did, if he allowed it to roam free for too long. Severus was very close to welcoming it.

"Severus?"

Severus opened his eyes; the flood waters receded. Remus was gazing at him with concern.

"Are you all right, Severus?" he asked worriedly.

"I have a detention to supervise," Severus answered, ignoring the question. Minerva had tried to refuse his offer to do so when he'd contacted her a few hours ago, but Severus could think of no better way to spend the evening than hovering over students while they scrubbed cauldrons and gutted frogs. He had asked specifically to supervise the Hufflepuffs, knowing that Harry's pushy admirer, Elizabeth, would be in the group. He knew she was quite averse to all things slimy.

"I'll walk with you," Remus offered, following Severus' lead in pushing back his chair. Severus did not welcome the company, but he said nothing as he pivoted away from the staff table. They had barely passed through the exit, when Remus said quietly, "Sirius is rejoining the Aurors...as soon as Poppy clears him."

Severus stopped walking. "Does Harry know?"

"No."

Severus narrowed his eyes dangerously. "If he is leaving because of what he said to Harry, I will snap his neck, as I should have done in the Infirmary."

Remus stared at him. "Killing him won't solve any of this."

Severus scowled. "Do you realize how much guilt Harry will amass if he discovers Black is leaving because of what happened?"

Remus nodded tiredly. "Yes. But Sirius doesn't believe Harry will ever speak to him again. He is aware of how wrong he was."

"And I am certain that you are aware of how easily Harry forgives those who do not deserve it," Severus returned. And then he spun away again, cursing himself for allowing his emotions too close to the surface. He stared at the cracks in the dark stone wall long enough to gain control again before continuing down the empty corridor.

"Poppy told me that you were considering having a holiday with Harry," Remus finally said conversationally, in a glaringly obvious attempt to smooth over Severus' outburst.

"I have given it some thought." Severus ignored his discomfort. It seemed unlikely that Harry would be in any mood to spend extraneous time with him at the moment. He could feel Remus' eyes on him.

"Severus, I know Sirius' words must have opened many old wounds, and if there's anything-"

Severus halted again. He calmed his reflexive anger before speaking. "Harry was understandably upset. I am perfectly all right. And while I am certain he would appreciate the offer, I do not."

"Well, the offer stands as long as you need it," Remus said seriously, not looking in the least put out by the rebuff. And then he smiled and took a step toward Severus. Severus almost lost his balance in his haste to get away.

"I am not distraught. I do not require a hug," he snapped as he righted himself. Remus stared at him, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"My classroom," he explained, gesturing faintly to the open door behind Severus.

Severus glared at him as he flung his robe tails behind him. He stalked off down the hall. Remus continued to stare after him.

--

McGonagall had obviously considered Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Neville as innocent as Harry; they'd been given detentions in the D.A.D.A. classroom as well. Remus set them all practicing dueling spells, giving them all a wink when they stared at him with bewilderment. He paired Neville with Ron and Hermione with Ginny, leaving himself to partner Harry. While the others began practicing, Remus gestured Harry over to the corner near his raised office.

Harry sat on the bottom step without being asked. Remus eased himself next to Harry; they watched the others dueling. "How are your hands?" Remus asked after a few minutes of easy silence. Harry shrugged.

"They don't hurt."

"Handy thing to have a father who's a Potions Master," Remus said with a smile. The comment made Harry's hands tense on his knees; it didn't escape Remus' notice. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" he asked softly, so that no one else would hear them. Harry took a deep breath. He blew it sharply out again.

"I shouldn't be angry with him," he said, sounding completely miserable.

"The things Sirius said were indefensible, Harry-"

Harry didn't even take note of Remus' hard tone as he shook his head. "My dad."

Remus paused, but then he nodded slowly. "Sirius' words opened old wounds. It's only natural that you're feeling hurt over things that happened in the past. Your father understands that and he wouldn't hold your feelings against you. He loves you dearly, Harry."

The words opened the dam that had been holding all of Harry's overwhelming emotions at bay. Sucking in a trembling rush of air, he bent over his knees. He immediately felt Remus' hand on his back.

Harry spent the next five minutes trying to force his tears to relent.

"I'm sorry," Harry said hoarsely as he scrubbed at his eyes. Remus handed him a handkerchief.

"It's all right, Harry," he assured his distraught friend. He patted a few more circles on Harry's back. Harry took a few breaths before he brought his head up again; the others in the room didn't seem to have noticed Harry's breakdown. "What happened?" Remus asked quietly, after he too checked to make sure Harry's friends were still practicing. He listened while Harry related the entire sordid tale; Harry's cheeks remained rosy the entire time.

"Why can't he just accept that I've forgiven him?" Harry asked angrily as he twisted the wet handkerchief into a nervous knot. "It's as if he just doesn't understand that I love him. Just like he didn't think mum really loved him."

Remus considered his words carefully as he watched Ron firing a jinx at Neville. "Your father has only been loved by a handful of people in his entire life. He doesn't really understand what it means to be loved by someone. He can't believe it can be so easy, even when the evidence is right in front of him."

"But I do, Remus."

Remus gave him a fleeting smile. "I know you do, but we all battle with self-doubt, Harry," Remus said as he continued to stare at his dueling students. Harry frowned at his soiled handkerchief as he twiddled it aimlessly in his fingers.

"You mean about Tonks...and your being a werewolf?"

"That, of course, but I was referring to you, actually."

Harry looked over at Remus in surprise. "Me?"

Remus shrugged. "It has crossed my mind that with Sirius back, I'll be relegated to the bottom of your list." The words were soft, but Harry clearly heard the quiver of pain in them.

That had been the last thing he had been expecting Remus to say, and he wasn't quite sure how to respond. Feeling oddly nervous, Harry finally said, "I wouldn't let that happen, Remus." He shifted uncomfortably and turned his eyes back to his hands. "I've--I've sort of thought of you as my honorary godfather for awhile now," he confessed, feeling incredibly foolish. What a daft thing to say to someone! When Remus didn't say anything, Harry looked up again with a grimace. Remus was staring at him.

"Harry..." Remus looked completely lost, but only for a second before a smile lit up his face. And Harry noticed that his scars seemed less pronounced than they had before, though Harry supposed he hadn't really scrutinized them before. He smiled at his friend, his self-consciousness fading swiftly.

"Not too daft, then?" he asked, only half joking. Remus chuckled.

"I'm honored Harry." He gave Harry's shoulder an affectionate squeeze. "You do realize I've thought of you that way as well, for quite some time now?"

"Yeah." Harry knew it, of course, but he enjoyed the warm feelings that Remus' words brought to his chest. "That's why it bothered me so much when you said you'd give me detention," he added quietly after a minute of warm silence had passed. "I know I deserved it," he put in hastily. With the same look of regret that he'd worn in the Infirmary over this very same subject, Remus shook his head.

"I understand why you'd be hurt. I don't believe I've ever assigned a detention...not even to Fred and George Weasley, and they pulled more than their share of pranks in my classroom their fifth year." Remus' eyes held only warmth as he firmly held Harry's gaze. "You were disrespectful, but I do regret threatening you with detention. A gentler approach probably would have worked just as well."

Harry smiled wryly at his friend. "I don't know about that. My head was inflated beyond all reach by that point."

Remus smiled again. "Well, I should have been more understanding. Looking back, it's easy to see that you weren't yourself...that you were being affected by forces beyond your control."

Harry sighed. Remus raised his eyes in question. "Why won't anyone even consider the possibility that it was me, simply acting like a prat...at least partially, then?" he amended when Remus gave him a skeptical look. "You know," he said with a minor scowl, "Ginny thinks I was possessed by Sirius...so does my dad. And with Ginny, it makes things a bit complicated."

Remus' lips twitched but he stilled them at Harry's deepening frown. "Is that why the two of you were on opposite sides of the room when I came in?"

Harry shrugged. "I'm not sure actually. I think she was upset after what happened in the Infirmary. Maybe she doesn't fancy a boyfriend who destroys entire rooms." The self-deprecating laugh caused the lines around Remus' eyes to deepen with concern.

"You had cause to be so angry, Harry."

Harry sighed, and swiped a hand over his prickling eyes. He hated crying. And then he wondered if perhaps his angry words had caused his father to cry as well. The thought made him feel ill.

"It needed to be said, Harry." Harry glanced up. Remus nodded at him. "You need to stop feeling guilty, just as much as your father does. It's the only way the two of you will be able to speak openly about this."

Harry ducked his head, knowing Remus was right. He couldn't very well expect his father to expunge his guilt if Harry was wrestling with his own guilt over pointing out Severus' faults in the first place.

"I'm angry with Sirius as well," he said darkly. And then he surprised himself by asking, "Is he all right?"

Remus didn't look at all surprised by the question. "He's angry with himself as well. He's sleeping at the moment, however. At Madame Pomfrey's insistence."

Harry folded his arms and hunched over his knees again as he watched Ginny blocking one of Hermione's hexes. He was glad Sirius was sleeping, though he hoped Pomfrey had given him a Dream Suppressive at least. He said as much to Remus. Remus patted his shoulder again and assured him that she had. Harry nodded with relief, but still the urge to throttle his godfather remained pretty strong in his gut. He grimaced, remembering a similar feeling toward his father. What sort of wanker wished he could do bodily harm to two people he loved so fiercely?

--

They talked for awhile longer, and when Harry was feeling more in control, he exchanged a few curses with Remus, but by the time 8 o'clock came around, Remus told all of them to take a break. "Perhaps you can look around the classroom for any blatant hazards. It is very important, after all, for a Defense classroom to be hazard-free." He smiled encouragingly at them when Neville and Ron only stared at him before going to his desk and starting in on a stack of essays.

Hermione made a rather botched attempt at discreetly pulling Ron and Neville away from Harry and Ginny. Harry appreciated it anyway.

"How are feeling?" Ginny asked him as they meandered around the perimeter of the room.

"Better." Ginny smiled a little. "Are you still worried about what happened between us?" Harry asked nervously.

Ginny stopped walking. She wasn't looking at him. "Harry, I didn't have a single regret...but your dad and Dumbledore...well, they seem so convinced that Sirius--and maybe even Voldemort--had some control over you." She swallowed. "It's just a big disconcerting to think that it wasn't entirely you with me."

Harry struggled to keep his voice even. "Even if Sirius was trying to contact me somehow, I was still me."

Ginny turned to face Harry. "But you weren't you, Harry. I know it must be hard for you to understand, but you were so different that it's hard to believe you were solely in control of your actions." She gestured around the room. "Don't you see? That's why McGonagall gave you this 'detention'. Even she doesn't believe you were yourself."

Harry closed his eyes. "I won't pretend I was feeling off, Gin, but I wasn't possessed by either of them. I am starting to realize that's what all of you think. But I remember everything that happened in the tower that night." He took her hands. "I remember wanting to be as close as possible to you, and I remember promising myself that we wouldn't do anything more than you were ready to do."

Ginny's cheeks warmed with a hot flush. Harry smiled slowly, enjoying the way the blush darkened her eyes. "If I was being controlled by one of them, would I have wanted to protect you?" He brought his fingers up to her cheeks; they were warm to his touch.

"Not if Voldemort was controlling you, no." Ginny shook her head. "And Sirius...well, I don't know him very well, but I always imagined him having a more unrestrained attitude toward sex."

Harry smiled; he'd always had the same notion. Ginny's brow wrinkled. She brushed her fingers lightly above Harry's ear. "It was me," he said quietly. "Pomfrey and my dad said that part of me was missing. That's how I felt; like I wasn't whole. But I was still me."

Harry was very conscious of the other people in the room; it was the only reason he didn't kiss Ginny right there. She was finally smiling at him. He settled for hugging her. It might have been better than kissing her would have been; her body felt nice against his, and he was almost convinced that there was something of a healer inside Ginny.

His tension never failed to ease when she touched him; his storm always found calm when he was near her. As though it had been actively seeking for the peace she afforded him. Even now, his anxiety about his next meeting with his dad was soothed. As though she somehow understood, without words, that he was hurting. And she was promising him that everything would be okay. It felt like cool, healing waters were finding his deepest holes and filling them in. He basked in the feeling.

--

Severus looked up as the door opened. Remus gave him a smile from the other side as Harry stepped in, looking even more tired than when he'd left. Harry said a brief farewell to Remus before letting the door close. Severus waited anxiously for Harry to cross the room without so much as a look. But Harry turned purposefully toward his father.

His eyes locked with Severus', and without a word, Harry crossed the few steps to where Severus was standing near the Floo, wrapped his arms around Severus and gave him a mighty squeeze.

Severus, startled at the sudden hug, took a few seconds to bring his arms up. "Are you all right?" he asked, his worry making his arms tighten briefly. Harry shrugged.

"Just realized that you probably need even more hugs than I do." The words were muffled against Severus' shoulder. Severus paused before tentatively bringing his hand to rest against the back of Harry's head. He hadn't expected Harry to return from his detention feeling anything other than the same discomfort he'd displayed since before dinner.

Severus' chest was still constricted, making it hard to breathe, but perhaps now it had something to do with how tightly Harry ws holding him. He closed his eyes and allowed his fingers to relax in Harry's wild black mop.

"And what, pray tell, led you to this rather drastic conclusion?" he asked, with a slight lilting cadence. Harry grinned at the easing of tension in his father's voice.

And he couldn't help teasing, "Remus mentioned you were out of practice."

Severus scowled. "Remus has a dangerous habit of talking too much," he said darkly, but Harry only chuckled.

"He does that," he agreed, giving his father one more squeeze before pulling away. "But he did think you had a pretty good idea in wanting to take me away from Hogwarts for awhile." Surprise sparked in Severus' eyes, though Harry didn't miss the reservation still lingering in his father's face.

"And what do you think of the idea?"

Harry fiddled with the zip of his jacket, while he glanced up at his father through his fringe. "I've never had a holiday, and...I've always wanted one...where--where will we go?"

Severus hesitated only the barest fraction before brushing Harry's fringe aside so that his green eyes were clearly visible; they were filled with a hopeful eagerness that pierced Severus through the heart. "We will go where ever you wish to go."

--

Author's Notes: Unfortunately, we've reached the end of the already-written chapters. So that means there will be a longer wait in between updates. Hopefully, you won't get too impatient and you'll continue to enjoy. Thanks so much for reading and for all the reviews. I appreciate them.

Also, anyone interested in joining the Lily's Charm yahoo group, we'd love to see you (especially now that you're all caught up). There is some amazing fanart, side stories, even poetry and youtube video trailers (and some fun LC discussion). Hope to see lots of you there! ~Tabitha

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LilysCharm/