Lily's Charm: The Gift

1996

Harry realized that he should probably feel embarrassed. After all, he really couldn't imagine Ron standing in his sitting room with Mr. Weasley's arms around him. They were both sixteen, after all. But even though he knew it was immature, he couldn't find any chagrin. It felt good to have his father's arms wrapped securely around him. And anyway, he figured he could count on both fingers, the times strong arms had wrapped around him like this. He certainly hadn't used up his quota of hugs.

He smiled a little into Severus' shoulder as he remembered the first time it had happened...at Grimmauld Place the summer before fifth year. Sirius had hugged him like he'd never been so happy to see someone. And Harry had felt the same way. He could remember how happy he'd been. He could almost feel it now.

And he could remember the first time his father had held him like this as well. That had been a hug full of different sorts of emotions. Just like this one was. But both had healed him, in their own ways. He wouldn't trade either one of those moments with either his father, or with Sirius.

Harry knew there would be no choice, though...if it came to that. But he knew instinctively that his father wouldn't make him choose. He couldn't be certain about Sirius. He couldn't claim to fully understand the circumstances that had brought the two men to hate one another so much, but he knew that no matter what happened, he wouldn't turn his back on his father.

Harry drew in a deep breath against Severus' shoulder.

"You will not have to choose between us."

Harry looked up into his father's dark eyes. "You know, if you keep doing that, I'm going to start to believe you really can read my mind," he said with a small smile as he took a step back.

Severus' upper lip curved as he released his son, but he continued seriously, "Black will accept it in time. And I certainly will not ask you to make a choice."

Harry nodded. "I know you won't," he agreed softly, gratefully. He rubbed his first two fingers over the creases in his forehead. "But, you can't be certain Sirius will ever be able to accept this."

"Harry, he was willing to go with Voldemort so that you would be freed. He knew when he made that choice, that you were not James' son." His words were unmarred by the bitterness that Harry knew his father felt toward Sirius.

"How-how did he react when Voldemort announced it?"

His father had an odd look on his face at Harry's question. "Perhaps we should sit and have some tea."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "You aren't going to tell me?" he asked. Severus shook his head.

"I suspect this will be a rather lengthy discussion."

Harry cocked his head. He leaned against the table near the fireplace as his father went to the Floo and ordered tea and some sandwiches from an eager house-elf who was more than willing to get anything that, "Harry Potter might wish for."

"Pomfrey will have a fit if she knows you didn't make me go to sleep," Harry informed his dad with a little smile as Severus set the tray of food on the low table in front of the sofa.

"I think you will benefit from rest that is not forced upon you by a potion," Severus told him as he sat on the sofa.

"I don't think I can sleep..."

"Precisely why we will talk for awhile. This particular blend of tea leaves, will aid in relaxing you as well." Harry nodded, and dropped onto the cushion next to his father. He was feeling much too jittery to sleep.

"Thanks," he murmured as Severus placed a warm cup into his hands. The tea was only mildly sweet and it had a refreshing flavor that Harry immediately liked. He watched quietly as Severus took a shallow sip from his own cup. "Aren't you tired?" he thought to ask. His father lifted his head from the teacup. His eyes were very soft; he shook his head in denial.

"Black did not immediately believe Voldemort."

Harry nodded, easily shifting gears as his father answered his question about Sirius. "That's understandable I suppose." He blew a gentle breath against the steam waving up from his cup. "What made him believe it?" he asked curiously, keeping his eyes on his dad. It was actually a miracle that Sirius had believed it at all.

"Remus told him it was true."

Harry winced at that, thinking of how hard it must have been for Sirius to hear that from one of his best friends. "I shouldn't have been so angry with him...I shouldn't be so angry with him," he amended wearily as he rested his back against his mum's soft cushions. "He was horrid to you...even when I didn't know you were my father, I knew he'd been unfair to you...I hated it then as well." His voice had gone very soft, almost as if he was talking to himself.

"It is difficult to discover that those we look up to are not perfect."

Harry looked up sharply. He recognized that tone. He set his cup down, wincing a little as it clattered against the saucer. "I don't think any less of you because of what Sirius said about his brother," he denied quickly. Severus frowned.

"That is not what I meant. I believe you've already gathered that I am not perfect," he said, his eyes glinting a little, though he wasn't exactly amused, Harry could tell.

"Were you talking about your father, then?" he asked, settling the delicate cup so it was sitting in the middle of the saucer once more. Severus nodded once.

"When I realized that Tobias had forced me to believe something so heinous, without ever giving me a choice, that he had in fact, programmed me to believe Voldemort's sadistic ideals..." He shook his head, his eyes gleaming with anger this time. He drew a calming breath as Harry watched. "Even with the understanding that my father was a cruel person, in many ways evil, I did not stop caring for him. Even when he threatened to disown me, I could not bring myself to hate him." He pinned Harry with a very solemn look. "Black was very cruel to me, but he is not evil. And he will not hurt you. I know the knowledge of what he did to me, pains you, but Black did nothing to you, Harry, and you will regret it if you allow your hurt to stop you from caring for him."

He paused, to place a hand over Harry's fingers as they trembled against the rattling teacup.

"Do not forget that you care for him, for my sake."

Harry's fingers stilled against the cup as he gazed at his father. "Would you be able to care for someone who hated me?" Severus narrowed his eyes in silent appraisal. And Harry wasn't really sure why he had asked such a question. He didn't want to ignore Sirius, even if Sirius did hate his father.

"No." The answer was filled with tension.

Harry leaned forward, forgetting all about the tea that was supposed to soothe him. "So then, why are you telling me to forget that Sirius despises you?"

"I simply wish you to do what you wish to do, in regard to Black."

Harry leaned on his arms as they settled on his legs, though he kept his eyes on his father. "How is that you don't seem to mind that Sirius is back?"

Severus' upper lip twisted a little. "I assure you, Harry, that I only tolerated his presence for you. My feelings toward him have not changed."

Harry sighed. "But he won't return the favor," he said, feeling betrayed all over again.

"He will, when he realizes that you will not reject him."

Harry squinted quizzically at his father. He seemed awfully certain of it, even though he had basically just told him that he hated Sirius just as much as Sirius hated him. Harry sighed. He was sure he wouldn't be able to stomach all this hatred. At least his father could keep it hidden well enough. Perhaps, he should ask him to teach Sirius Occlumency. The thought made him snort a short breath of laughter.

Severus tilted his head at the sound. Harry smiled. "I was just thinking what it would be like if you were to teach Sirius Occlumency."

Severus' lip quirked with quiet amusement. "I do not think either one of us would survive the encounter."

Harry shrugged, still vaguely amused at the idea. He picked up his teacup idly, playing his pinky against the handle, instead of taking another sip. "It's sort of hard to believe, you know?" he murmured. "Sirius coming back, and Remus...how did any of it even happen?"

"Albus cast a charm, rather like the one he used to bind us before we went to Riddle Manor. It included both Lupin and myself. I do not understand how we returned, however. We were simply back in the Department of Mysteries, when a moment earlier, we had been in a void--with Black." He shook his head, his fingers lightly splayed over his left arm. "As for Lupin's blood losing its dark elements, I have no other answers for that either," he added, sounding both thoughtful and perturbed.

Harry frowned, bothered by the many mysteries surrounding that single curtain in the Department of Mysteries. "Scrimgeour won't be able to make him leave Hogwarts, if Remus can prove he's not a werewolf, will he?"

"He will have no grounds to dismiss him," Severus agreed. Harry nodded, hoping his father was right. Remus wouldn't deserve that, and with all of Harry's heart, he hoped Tonks would understand that Remus had made a mistake, and that she would forgive him.

"I can't believe Remus broke off their engagement," he said, as he set his cup back down on the table. "How could he not realize that Tonks wouldn't have cared about anything that Scrimgeour was trying to do?"

Severus set his cup down as well, though his didn't make a sound as it touched down on the delicate saucer. "Lupin's sense of self-worth is grounded in being a werewolf, Harry," he explained quietly. "He was not exaggerating when he referred to himself as a monster. That is the way the wizarding world regards werewolves. It is very difficult to believe others will accept you when you cannot accept yourself." Harry bit the inside of his bottom lip as he felt his father's sorrow. It was strange to realize just how alike his father and Remus were. And Harry had a feeling that his dad was thinking how much Remus would lose if he didn't try to mend things with Tonks.

He sighed, his mind wandering toward Ginny with that thought. He hadn't meant to snap at her. But he hadn't wanted her to think that he had somehow been controlled by Voldemort...or by Sirius. "Ginny said you thought Sirius was affecting my actions, somehow."

Severus nodded, as unbothered as always by the way Harry's mind sometimes seemed to wander from subject to subject. "Black was in contact with you during certain times. Your nightmares were meant to be warnings that Voldemort had taken part of your soul. That is why I wanted you to understand that you were not-"

"Don't," Harry croaked as he slumped back against the sofa and snapped his eyes firmly shut. Why did all of them keep insisting on this?

"Harry?"

He cracked an eye to peer at his father, who was leaning forward and staring at him anxiously. "They weren't controlling me," Harry said, his voice subdued in the worried silence from his father. "Why can't any of you understand? Even Ginny thought I'd snogged her while Sirius was in my head..."

Harry's ears began to burn as he realized what he'd just said. He closed his mouth slowly, not quite knowing where to look. At least he hadn't mentioned anything more than snogging, though it probably wouldn't be hard for his father to guess that more than that had taken place between them. A simple kiss or two wouldn't have made him feel completely mortified, and it wouldn't have upset him so much that Ginny believed Sirius had taken over his mind in that hour they'd spent in his bed.

"You cannot be certain that Black did not have some influence over your interactions with Ginny," Severus told him. Harry looked away at that, his cheeks flaming in embarrassment and irritation that his father didn't seem to understand. "Did you act toward Ginny, in a manner that would conern her?"

Harry's sat up straighter, his eyes flinging back to his father's serious features. "Of course not!" he denied. "I didn't do anything to her," he said in a rush, wishing his father would quit looking at him like that.

But Severus shook his head. "That is not what I meant. And you do not need to tell me specifics, but think about your interactions with Ginny last night. Would you have had the same reactions if you had not had that bottle of firewhisky?"

Harry closed his eyes. Bloody hell. "I only had one bottle," he excused himself lamely.

"Firewhisky has magical properties which affect the mind and body in unusual ways. It is possible that even that small amount affected your judgment," his father explained.

"Well, see, then it wasn't Sirius' fault at all," Harry told him wearily, keeping his eyes closed. The spaces behind his eyes were beginning to feel as if tiny fairies were dancing on his eyeballs.

"Harry, have you ever indulged in firewhisky before?"

Harry squeezed his eyelids tightly together; at least the throbbing seemed to lessen that way. "No."

"And can you tell me honestly that you have changed so much in the past few days, that you would partake of a substance that you know perfectly well is forbidden to you, without any thought to the consequences?"

Well...his dad did have a point. Even when Hermione had pointed out that he would be killed by his father, he had gone right ahead and just about finished off the bottle. And he had felt so free in the moments before he'd kissed Ginny. So self-assured and confident. He opened his eyes again. "Just because Sirius would have done those things, doesn't mean he was making me do anything," he tried to insist, but he was beginning to doubt his own insistence.

"You are likely feeling the effects of a mild hangover," Severus told him quietly and somehow, there was a vial in his fingers. "Headache Potion," his father supplied.

"I only had one," he repeated feebly, feeling ridiculous now. He'd actually had firewhisky, downed it without a care, as if his father wouldn't even mind. He'd been seriously daft last night.

"Firewshisky is not akin in its alcoholic properties to Muggle alcohol, and since it was your first time, you were more susceptible to its effects," Severus told him. "Drink it, Harry," he commanded in his firm, quiet voice, and with his cheeks tingeing toward pink, Harry obeyed.

"I'm sorry about the firewhisky," he mumbled as he handed the empty vial back to his father. Severus sent it whizzing back to his lab; he pressed his lips together, his eyes regarding Harry solemnly.

"I suspect that Albus will have succeeded in convincing Minerva that you were not to be blamed for your actions-"

"I don't want any special treatment," Harry interrupted, feeling a mild panic at the idea, knowing that the other Gryffindors would quickly turn from admiration to resentment if he was let out of whatever punishment McGonagall had dreamed up.

"I will speak with her," Severus said, acknowledging Harry's wish with a small nod. He narrowed his eyes a little. "Your reactions toward Lupin and I yesterday, lead me to believe that both Voldemort and Black were influencing you more than you wish to believe. However," he stressed as he leaned forward, his eyes glinting with purpose, "I want to make it perfectly plain to you, Harry, that I will not tolerate a repeat of your actions last night."

Harry nodded. "I know." He had suspected it somewhere inside his fuzzy brain last night, as well, but now as he gazed at his father he wondered just how much firewhisky he'd have to consume to make that threat come to fruition. As long as he had the excuse of someone taking over his brain, he supposed it wouldn't matter.

Severus nodded swiftly, but his eyes had softened considerably. "I do not blame you for what happened, nor am I angry with you. Not for any of it. Do you understand, Harry?" he asked softly, and then he waited with endless patience until Harry felt ready, and honest enough, to nod. His father gave him a tiny smile, making Harry's nervous tension ease a bit.

"Thank you," he murmured, not looking away as he tried to express to his father just how grateful he was for him--for everything.

"For not being angry with you for something you could not help?" his father queried, surprised. Harry shrugged.

"I didn't think you'd forgive me...any of you," he admitted, feeling incredibly young and stupid.

"You are too hard on yourself," Severus told him seriously. "There is never a hesitation on your part when you forgive people who have wronged you. And yet, you believe far too easily that you do not deserve the same treatment." His eyes fairly radiated affection. "I assure you, Harry, that you, more than most anyone you have forgiven in your life, deserve it far more."

Harry didn't know how to respond to that, so he didn't. But his father apparently wasn't keen on his non-response. He shook his head.

"I do not blame you," he repeated, enunciating each syllable, "which means that there is nothing to forgive." He cocked his eyebrow as he watched Harry let the words sink into his brain. "Lupin and Black do not blame you. Your friends do not blame you, and Ginny does not blame you either." He smirked. "I would have thought that that should have been rather obvious, however."

Harry blinked in surprise, even as he felt a deep flush creeping up his neck.

His father studied his reaction. "Before you see Ginny alone again, I will teach you the Contraceptive Charm which I mentioned to you at Grimmauld Place," he said smoothly, his voice perfectly composed. The heat spread through Harry's stiff face.

"You don't need to," he managed to say, even though he felt like his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth. Not this conversation again. He didn't think he could take it again.

"Eventually however, you will need to know it, and I will feel better with the knowledge that you can perform the charm," Severus told him calmly. Harry willed the burn to stop, but it made no difference, and since he wasn't about to tell his dad of the silent promise he'd made to Ginny, he simply nodded. It was easier since he was staring at his trousers.

His father allowed him the minutes he needed to rid himself of most of his embarrassment, before he said quietly, "I am pleased with your willingness to take responsibility for your actions, even when circumstances do not require it."

Harry's face began to warm again, this time with a pleased flush as the words wrapped around him like a soft blanket. Severus smiled at him, his lips pulling up in the familiar expression that soothed the last of Harry's bouncing worry.

Everything would be all right, he told himself firmly.

Sirius wouldn't be able to not realize that Severus was a good person. That his dad truly did love him. And Sirius would see, if he really did still care for him, that Harry could love both of them. He already loved Remus...and Ginny. Ron and Hermione as well. He could love all of them. Sirius would see...