Lily's Charm

1996

Harry didn't know how long he had been lying against his father. He was so tired though, he decided hours could have passed already. He had kept his emotions carefully in check for days now, not letting them free even once after he'd first realized his father was alive.

And now he felt drained...almost empty. But even after he'd completely exhausted his tears, Harry just kept his cheek pressed against his father's chest. He didn't want to move. He was afraid it would all turn out to be a dream. But the hand hadn't loosened its grip and though his stomach wouldn't stay still, Harry slowly brought his head up.

His father was still there, watching him.

And Harry had no idea what to say. Part of him was so angry he could barely stand to look at the man, while the other part was so giddy he wanted to just throw his arms around his father and then ...there was an intense fear.

And the fear wouldn't let him express either one of the other emotions. So he stared.

"Thank you, Harry." His father's voice was rough from disuse, but that didn't have any effect on the warmth in the words.

Harry continued to stare.

His father's pale features softened. "It's all right, Harry," he said gently. "I am really here." Harry blinked slowly, finally realizing he needed to say something or else his father was going to start to think he'd gone barmy. So he nodded shakily.

"I know..." Harry's whisper trailed off.

His father moved his hand down to Harry's neck, the tips of his fingers still resting in his hair. "Are you all right?" Severus asked, his eyes filled with concern.

No! he wanted to shout. Of course, I'm not all right, he wanted to rage. You left me, he would have accused. But Harry wasn't going to forget the promise he'd made. He wasn't going to have any more regrets with Severus. Harry nodded again, carefully burying his anger under his shields, refusing to give it purchase.

Severus was still watching him and his eyes narrowed in appraisal. Harry forced his face to relax. "It's been a rough week," Harry tried to jest but it fell flat when he had to look away as the tears threatened him again. "Sorry," he whispered hoarsely.

Severus' fingers found the back of Harry's head again. "Harry, you need not apologize for being distressed. I cannot imagine what you must have endured..." Harry's head snapped around as the deep voice trailed off. Severus' fingers tugged at Harry's hair a bit. "A week?" he wondered, looking quite shocked and then as he took in his surroundings, his fingers slackened and dropped back to the bed.

Harry sat up. "Are you all right?" he asked urgently, twisting around to call for Pomfrey. Severus' hand gripped Harry's arm; Harry turned back around.

"It seemed as if only an instant had passed," Severus was saying quietly, almost to himself and Harry could hear the sorrow in his father's words. He tensed against the hold on his arm. Severus seemed to focus on Harry again and he loosed his grip. "It is no matter of course, but why are we not in the Hospital Wing?"

"Madame Pomfrey brought you down here yesterday," Harry explained with a shrug. "She said it's easier to recover in familiar surroundings," he added, watching his father carefully for signs that he felt Harry's presence in his room an invasion.

But his father simply nodded. "And so it was, it seems," he agreed. His eyes moved to the door as it opened quietly.

"Severus, wonderful to have you back, my boy," Dumbledore greeted cheerfully as he came in with Pomfrey. Harry bit back a less than tactful request for both of them to leave. His father was watching him, so he smiled.

"How do you feel, Severus?" Pomfrey asked as she came to stand next to Harry. Then she glanced down at him. "Wouldn't you like to get up off the floor and stand up, Mr. Potter?" she asked, as though surprised to find him there still. Harry flushed as he hastily scrambled to his feet. He looked away from his father's slight frown.

"I feel fine," Severus said brusquely, his eyes narrowed at the Mediwitch.

Pomfrey raised a brow. "Hmmm," she murmured as she waved her wand up and down over his prone form. Then she nodded. "I believe you might sit up for awhile, though it really is quite late," she added thoughtfully turning to Harry. "Mr. Potter, you really should get to sleep soon, if-"

"Thank you, Poppy," Severus interrupted abruptly. "I believe I can attend to my son's bedtime." Harry blushed a bit at the childish word though he couldn't stop the tiny smile that worked its way to his lips.

"Well," Pomfrey huffed, "I would think you'd appreciate how exhausted your son is, Severus! He's barely slept for any decent length of time in almost a week and I haven't been able to get him to eat anything. I've had to Spell Nutritive Potions into him!" she finished indignantly.

Harry bunched his fingers into fists. A Nutritive Potion? He would have liked nothing better than to shout at the presumptuous Mediwitch, but his father had trained his gaze on him, his eyes narrowed. Harry watched warily as Severus turned back to Pomfrey.

"I will take care of him now," he assured her and Harry's insides twitched.

"See that you do, Severus or he'll end up in the infirmary. And, quite frankly I've seen enough of both of you to last me at least the rest of term," she snapped irritably.

"No doubt," Severus agreed dryly.

Harry thought he heard the Mediwitch muttering something about bad-tempered Potions Masters not changing a bit, while she carefully maneuvered Severus into a sitting position. But she was perfectly professional again when she'd finished, asking briskly, "Do you feel any pain?"

"No."

"Excellent," she said crisply and then she quickly detailed the litany of injuries Severus had experienced, telling him that he no longer needed any sort of support from her Life Charm, and that the potions he would take from now on were only to help him regain his strength more fully. "You're to take it slowly," she warned. "Tomorrow, if you are feeling well enough, you may get out of bed for a short time. I wouldn't recommend taking up your classes again for at least a week. Possibly longer if you feel you need more time-"

Harry had a feeling that the Mediwitch would have rambled on for quite some time if Dumbledore hadn't broken in gently, "I'm sure Severus will let you know if he needs your services, Poppy."

Pomfrey's mouth snapped shut and with a final pointed glare between Harry and his father, she marched from the room.

Dumbledore was smiling as he added to Severus, "When you are feeling up to it, Severus, we will of course need to discuss recent events."

"Naturally," Severus intoned, his gaze level. "Now if you will excuse us, Albus," he continued, his tone hardening a bit, "I do believe my son and I would appreciate some privacy."

Dumbledore smiled indulgently. "Certainly, Severus," he agreed. "I will check back tomorrow," he said cheerfully. He nodded to both of them in turn. "Good night," he said heartily. And then the Headmaster left them, his puce robes swishing merrily against the stone floors.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Severus wasted no time in asking, "When was the last time you ate?"

Harry shifted uncomfortably. "I, er, can't remember," he admitted uneasily, wishing he didn't have to start annoying his father already. But Severus didn't look annoyed at all. He simply nodded, his face passive.

"And when did you sleep last?" he inquired, as though asking for the time.

"Well," Harry hedged, "I've sort of just been sleeping off and on...in here." He gestured to the desk chair that had been shoved off to the side earlier.

His father raised his eyebrows in surprise and then his features softened again. Harry, less wary now that Severus didn't seem perturbed about his inability to take care of himself, and hoping that it would please him, he explained, "I was taking care of you."

A small smile touched his father's lips. "I appreciate it, Harry," he said softly and Harry grinned, the quiet affirmation making his emotions tip closer to giddy. Severus pointed to the middle of the bed. "Contrary to Madame Pomfrey's rather tactless suggestion, you do not need to stand." Harry stared at him. His father wanted him to sit on the bed with him?

"I don't want to jostle you though," Harry said, tentatively, feeling strangely shy at the idea of plopping himself on the bed.

His father's eyes glinted with amusement. "I assure you, I am perfectly fine." Harry eyed the space next to his father. "Sit, Harry," Severus commanded lightly after a quiet moment. Harry walked slowly around the end of the bed and perched delicately on the edge, twisting uncomfortably so that he was facing his father. Severus' lips twitched.

"Perhaps you would be more comfortable sitting in the middle," he suggested. When Harry hesitated, Severus assured him, "If there was any further danger, Madame Pomfrey would not have given me leave to get out of bed."

"Not until tomorrow," Harry corrected immediately. Severus raised his eyebrow at Harry's unintentionally stern tone while Harry carefully moved closer.

"Yes, Healer Potter," his father said with an obedient nod when Harry was settled, his voice lilting and all at once, Harry's face crumpled. Severus stiffened. "Harry?" he queried, placing his hand on Harry's knee.

Harry swallowed and shook his head, looking away. "It's nothing."

Severus applied a bit of pressure to Harry's knee; Harry brought his eyes back up. "Harry, whatever you may be feeling right now, I would like to hear it." Harry bit his lip, not wanting to talk about what he was feeling, but wanting even less to give his father a reason to think he didn't trust him.

He twisted a crease into the blanket. "It...it just reminded me that everyone knows now," Harry said quietly, studying the crease carefully as he unfolded it and then creased it again.

"You would prefer they do not?"

Harry's eyes shot up. His father was frowning slightly. Harry shook his head vehemently, igniting the headache that had gathered behind his eyes.

"No," he said, much louder than he'd meant to. He lowered his voice instantly. "No...I'm relieved. I hated pretending," he said, some anger creeping its way into his voice. He quickly stifled it. He slouched a bit, bringing his fingers up to work the tension between his eyebrows.

"Headache?" Severus questioned instantly, cutting off Harry's further attempt to explain. Harry nodded resignedly. He'd had a headache for the better part of the past six days; he was well used to it.

Without even pausing, Severus stretched his fingers out and called, "Accio Headache Relieving Potion."

Harry watched in fascination as the door opened the tiniest crack and a little glass vial whizzed through and into Severus' outstretched hand. He gave it to Harry. Without waiting to be told, Harry slugged it back, grimacing at the taste. Why did potions always have to be so foul? Shaking his head a bit, he glanced down at the vial, wondering what to do with it now. Severus plucked it out of his hand and in the next instant, it had vanished.

"Can you teach me that?" Harry asked abruptly, eager for a change of topic. "Wandless magic, I mean." That would really be a surprise for Voldemort, he mused as his father nodded.

"I can," Severus affirmed. And then when Harry didn't say anything else, he prodded, "I would still like to know what was troubling you a moment ago." Right. Harry should have known he wouldn't be so easily distracted.

"It was just when you said Potter," he stressed the name, wishing his eyes would quit watering every time he tried to speak. Who the hell cared about this right now? "Well, even Mrs. Weasley didn't really like the idea..." he tried to explain. Severus' face had darkened into a scowl.

"What did she say to you?" he demanded. Harry shook his head again, not wanting his father's ire directed anywhere near Ginny's mum.

"Nothing...I mean, it's all right. She was only concerned about me." Realizing too late that Severus would not probably not appreciate that others were concerned about the idea of him being Harry's father, he tried to backtrack, "I mean, I think she just-"

"Harry," Severus interrupted and Harry stilled, "the majority of the wizarding world will not take this news well. Though it concerns no one save you and I, many will be very angry on your behalf." He sounded unconcerned with the negative reactions he was apparently going to get. But Harry knew his father better than that.

Harry frowned. "But, I'm happy you're my father," he said indignantly. A small smile touched Severus' lips and Harry couldn't help but wonder at the excessive upturning of the normally still lips.

"I am pleased to hear it," Severus told him.

Harry smiled, but then as he studied his father's pale face, he remembered why he would certainly be defending him. He bit his lip. "How did Voldemort find out?" he asked. With a dizzying rush, he pushed himself up to clench the blanket over Severus' legs, asking frantically, "Was it me? That night I-"

"No," his father interrupted brusquely. A muscle near his left eye twitched. "It was not you," he stated more forcefully than he seemed to be intending. "I let my shields down for a brief instant while I was sleeping," he said, his tone clipped.

Harry, shocked beyond reason, gripped the blanket tighter for an instant and then unclenched his fingers, leaving a scarred dent in the smooth fabric. He leaned back on his thighs, gazing at his father. "Oh," was all he could say. Severus Snape, who had mastered Occlumency so spectacularly, a man who had fooled Voldemort and all his followers for years, had let his guard down? Harry couldn't think of a more unlikely scenario.

Leaning forward on his knees a bit, he studied Severus' wan features. "But how can that be possible?" he asked, bewildered. It made no sense. Why would Voldemort even have any reason to be poking around in his loyal follower's head for signs of Harry Potter?

Severus averted his eyes briefly before he answered, "I have been distracted of late." Harry felt a surge of pity; his father sounded so uncomfortable. He obviously felt guilt over what had happened. So Harry patted his arm comfortingly.

"It's all right," he tried to reassure him.

Severus shifted his eyes forward again and Harry thought he looked satisfied. Harry felt a moment of confusion but then his father's features changed to that almost-smile he'd been wearing since he first opened his eyes and Harry relaxed.

"You are extremely pale, Harry. It might be wise for you to get some rest," Severus said abruptly and Harry had to readjust to the change in topic before he could form a coherent reply.

"I'm all right," Harry lied, shaking his head and realizing that it felt strange not to feel a dull thud in his temples.

But Severus shook his head briefly and then narrowed his eyes as he studied Harry. "It is likely you do not even realize how exhausted you are. You're eyes are half-closed, Harry," he chided.

Were they really? Harry lifted his glasses up a bit to rub at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. He supposed he could use some sleep, but he didn't want to leave. He also didn't want to argue with his father.

"All right," he agreed, his throat tightening. He was being ridiculous, he knew. After all, he could see his father again in the morning. He nodded, the stupid tears blurring his vision again. "Good night then I guess," he managed, trying to make himself slide closer to the edge of the bed to leave, but his legs wouldn't obey.

"Harry, you do not need to leave."

Severus' voice was infinitely gentle. Harry smashed his lips together and then with one quick motion, he swiped the back of his hand across his eyes in frustration. What was wrong with him anyway?

Harry nodded as he pulled in a shaky breath. "Okay," he sniffled, feeling entirely embarrassed by his display. Strangely though, Severus didn't even seem to notice.

Severus reached over and propped one of the extra pillows up against the headboard, indicating with his hand that Harry should move toward it. Harry stared at the pillow. He couldn't seriously be suggesting he sleep in here...could he? He was much too old to be crawling into his father's bed like a frightened child.

"Erm..."

"It would be more comfortable up here with a pillow than it will be if you turn into an unconscious puddle in the middle of the bed," Severus said lightly. As Harry continued to stare, Severus assured him, "There is nothing wrong with your desire to be with me right now. I would appreciate your company as well." And the damned tears sprung up again to Harry's eyes.

He did his best to ignore them this time as he nodded. He turned around and quickly scooted backward, propelling himself with his feet until he was resting against the soft pillow. He pressed his folded arms into his stomach, feeling very nervous.

"Don't you want to sleep though?" Harry asked quickly, trying to cover the intensity he was feeling with the casual question.

Severus' eyes glinted in amusement. "I have essentially been asleep for a week, Harry," he said dryly. "I believe I will be able to..."

A week.

His father been gone a week. A whole week and even so, he had muttered to himself that it hadn't been enough. It seemed as if only an instant had passed, his father had said. Harry began to feel lightheaded.

His father had obviously wanted to stay with his mum and Harry had forced him to leave. He obviously regretted leaving. Of course he did. He hadn't wanted Harry to come find him...

--

Harry's breath was coming almost in gasps as he stared at Severus. Severus twisted toward his son anxiously. "Harry?" he breathed, ignoring the protests from every one of his muscles. Harry didn't appear to have heard him. He had gone from pale to absolutely white and Severus was fairly certain his son was beginning to hyperventilate.

Willing himself to remain calm, Severus grasped Harry around his bicep and pulled him swiftly into his side. Gritting his teeth against the screeching ache in his limbs, he wrapped his free arm around Harry's shoulder and tugged until his son's head was securely tucked into his chest.

"It's all right, Harry." Severus spoke quietly, remembering the way he'd soothed Harry after Lupin had been almost killed by Voldemort's poison, modulating his tone to match the one he'd used that night. "I am right here...it's all right," he repeated over and over, keeping his arms firmly around his agitated son and gradually, Harry's frantic breathing began to calm.

"I'm sorry," Harry said hoarsely and Severus felt a pang that Harry should feel the need to apologize for an emotional display.

"Harry, as I have already assured you, you do not need to apologize for-" he began, but Harry was shaking his head and Severus hoped fleetingly that his son's headache hadn't been renewed.

"No," Harry said softly. "I'm sorry...sorry that I made you come back," he finished roughly. Severus gaped down at him.

"Why would you-" he began in bewilderment, but his son interrupted him again.

"I told you it was all right, if you wanted to stay...but I couldn't..." Harry choked back a sob and Severus' heart wrenched, "...I couldn't just let you go."

Severus had no idea what Harry was talking about but he certainly was not going to let his son apologize for helping to bring him back.

"Harry," he said, hardening his tone a bit and Harry stopped talking. "You do not need to apologize for helping me return to you." Harry was silent. "What would make you think you should?" Severus pressed after a minute had passed.

"Dumbledore said that Voldemort drove your soul out," Harry whispered, intermittent tremors still shaking Severus along with him. Severus' eyebrows rose, surprised that Albus would have mentioned anything about souls and Voldemort in the same context.

Since Severus did not want Harry to know the full extent of what had happened to him on Halloween, he though over his response carefully. "He was intent that I should be fully destroyed and that included my soul," Severus confirmed, not understanding the connection that might have to Harry's guilt over his return.

Harry was silent as he seemed to gather his thoughts. Severus waited patiently. "And Remus...Remus said you would have gone to find mum." Harry's voice was only a whisper.

"I did not seek your mother out but yes, she was there," Severus told his son, remembering with a pang the moment he had touched Lily's face again. It seemed so long ago...

Harry nodded jerkily into Severus' chest. "You said it seemed like only an instant...I'm sorry you didn't get to spend more time with her," he said, sounding both angry and regretful.

Severus frowned, even though Harry couldn't see. "Harry, you misunderstood. It was not regret for myself, but concern that you were waiting for me for such an extended period."

Harry's fingers gripped against Severus' nightshirt, in a decidedly agitated motion. "But then why didn't you come back?" he demanded and Severus could hear the tears again in his son's voice.

A deep sadness echoed through Severus as he looked down at the dejected form of his son; he was still so unsure. Severus ran a thumb down Harry's cheek as he offered, "I am sorry to have put you through so much pain. It is difficult to understand." Harry tensed against him. Severus held back the urge to sigh, feeling as though they'd stepped back into September. "I believe I was in a sort of limbo between life and death. Your mother was with me and I was content."

"I didn't have any idea what was happening here. All I saw was Lily," he admitted quietly. "And then I sensed you...you were calling me. And all at once, Harry, there was nothing but misery as I did not understand that I could answer you." Severus could feel Harry's ragged breaths as well as feel the warm moisture of Harry's fresh tears and he soothed, "When your mother explained that I could return, you cannot know how relieved I felt."

Harry made a noise that Severus couldn't decipher. "It must have been a really hard decision...I understand," he said shakily

Severus' arm tightened around Harry, his other hand coming automatically to smooth Harry's fringe. "You do not understand, Harry," he said in some exasperation, wishing his son wouldn't continue to doubt him. "There was not a moment's indecision when I knew I could come back. There was no decision at all...neither for your mother, nor for myself," he said firmly.

Harry was quiet for a moment before he looked up at Severus and asked, his voice sounding much more hopeful than Severus would have preferred, "So, you really wanted to come back then?"

Severus chuckled, low in his chest, and looking straight into Harry's emerald eyes, he assured his son, "Yes, Harry. I wanted to come back." Harry's face melted into a somewhat shy smile.

"Good," he said, sounding almost happy. Harry dropped his head back onto Severus' chest, wriggling a bit, apparently attempting to get more comfortable, and forgetting his earlier hesitation about the possible childishness of a sixteen-year old climbing into bed next to his father.

Severus shook his head in amusement and carded his fingers through Harry's dark hair, and was astonished as he was filled with an overwhelming urge to kiss the top of the messy head. Not quite sure what to attribute this strange feeling to, Severus gave into it nonetheless, dropping his head quickly and placing a rough kiss against his son's raven hair. Harry inhaled sharply and then, when Severus didn't move away, he exhaled slowly, finally fully relaxing into Severus' side.

Severus, warmed through by this simple gesture, said gruffly, "I should have said this before I left on Halloween, but I did not know how..." Harry stilled beneath his arm. Severus drew in a breath, wanting his son to understand. "When I thought I was going to die, I only had one regret. And although I am certain you realize it already, Harry, I want you hear from my own lips that I love you."

Severus stayed very still; Harry shifted beside him.

"I love you too, Dad," he said quietly, sounding rather hoarse. Another pause and a whispered, "Thanks," floated up to Severus' sharp ears. A smile touched Severus' lips as he brushed his hand over Harry's head again.

They were quiet and Severus enjoyed the soft rustle of Harry's breathing as he waited for Harry to speak.

"While you were unconscious, Pomfrey said it might help if I talked to you," Harry finally revealed, sounding somewhat amused.

"And did you?" Severus asked, matching his tone to Harry's.

Harry chuckled. "Yeah...I told you how I almost failed my Transfiguration test," he admitted sheepishly.

Severus was glad Harry could not see his face. He had known about the abysmal grade as soon as Minerva had finished grading the exams. He had planned on addressing it only after Halloween was far behind them. He hadn't wanted to have any reason to argue with Harry before he left.

"You were a bit distracted," Severus allowed, realizing that he still had no desire to discuss this particular topic. His eyes flicked to Harry in surprise as he snorted.

"Yeah, with Exploding Snap," he told him breezily.

Startled by his son's honesty, Severus wasn't sure how to respond. He felt oddly gratified that Harry would admit to it; it showed a measure of trust that Severus was not used to from anyone. He was not inclined to break that trust after what Harry had gone through on his behalf, so he settled for a murmured, "Indeed."

Harry looked up at him, obviously surprised by his response. He smirked up at him. "I'll have to remember how easy-going you've become the next time I think about playing games instead of studying," he said cheekily.

Severus raised a brow. "You do realize that my current demeanor may only be a temporary side effect of my recent trip beyond the veil," he retorted. Harry's forehead puckered, as though seriously thinking about it. He nodded slowly.

"I suppose you could be right...I'll probably have to do a bit of research on that theory though," he mused playfully.

Severus smirked as he narrowed his eyebrows in feigned menace. "I do not believe you will like the results of any such research." Harry laughed softly.

"I know I wouldn't," he agreed, still smiling and then his expression brightened further. "I transfigured my pyjamas into clothes, though...do you think you could get McGonagall to give me extra credit?" he asked eagerly and Severus was not sure if he was serious or not. He shook his head though.

"No."

Harry smiled before leaning his head against him again. They sat in silence for a long time and Severus was beginning to wonder if Harry had drifted off into a much-needed sleep when he suddenly said, his voice very quiet, "When I first saw you in the infirmary, I thought you had died..." Severus' throat tightened and he instinctively pulled Harry closer, wanting to transfer his son's pain to himself.

"I sort of lost it, I guess," Harry continued, and Severus could hear the self-reproach in Harry's words.

"Harry, it would have been remarkable had you had any other reaction," Severus told him and he felt Harry's head bobbing up and down.

"Yeah...I remembered letting my shields fall because I was so upset...but later when I was...coherent, I guess...my shields were up again." He paused and then added with a definite note of excitement, "I did it without even realizing it!"

Warmth spread through Severus at his son's quiet pride in his own abilities and he felt as well, a rush of relief that Harry had finally achieved mastery of Occlumency, especially considering what had led to Severus' torture on Halloween.

Wanting to make sure Harry heard him, Severus nudged the back of his son's head gently. Harry looked up at him, his green eyes shining with expectancy. Severus pulled his lips up slightly and said softly, "Occlumency is not an easy skill to master. It is in fact not something most witches and wizards can master in the least degree. I am proud of you, Harry."

Harry's face lit up and Severus enjoyed the sensation of having given his son a reason to be so delighted. With mere words, he mused as he gazed at Harry. Harry really did require so little. The thought both saddened and encouraged Severus.

"Thanks," Harry said with an enthusiastic grin. "I thought you'd like that," he tried to say around a yawn and then he shook his head firmly with a frown, as though attempting to force the exhaustion away.

"Perhaps you had better try to sleep now," Severus suggested, unable to hide his amusement. Harry shrugged, dropping his head again.

"Nah. I'm not really tired," he insisted, though another yawn belied his words.

Knowing his insistence to the contrary would be of little use, Severus didn't answer, as he brought his hand again to brush lightly over his son's hair, moving it slowly to rest against Harry's cheek. He kept it there even after he could feel Harry's breaths deepen and steady with sleep. Severus closed his eyes, listening again to his son's even breathing, and finding immense peace in its rhythm.