Swallowed in the Sea

Chapter Eight: A Turning From Deceit:

'Are you okay, Potter?' Moody growled as he walked up to him. 'You're kind of pale.'

James was sitting on a bench in one of the stone cold corridors, with his head in his hands, trying to breathe normally and to stop crying.

He looked up and sighed. He didn't know what to say and even the thought of speaking made him cry harder, so he just shook his head and sighed again.

'You understand we can't let this kind of information go without checking,' Moody went on, while sitting down next to James. 'We're going to St Mungo's in an hour.'

James bit his lip and nodded.

'I don't trust him, son, so don't get your hopes up,' Moody said, 'but what he's saying is just about sick enough to be true.'

He looked at James for a while, put a hand on his shoulder very briefly and got up again. 'If you want to join us, you're welcome.'

James ran a hand through his hair and managed to say 'Remus?' in a croaky, raspy voice.

'He's not saying much either,' Moody answered, 'and he's pale too. He's still standing in the same spot in the cell. I think you'd best go talk to him.'

He made to go back to the cell, but stopped suddenly and turned around.

'Potter, you know I care about Sirius and that if Sirius cares about Lupin, I care about him too.' James could tell that Moody had trouble saying what exactly he meant. 'But I can't help him. He needs a friend, someone who understands, now more than ever.'

He looked at James meaningfully.

'And we both know that is saying something.'

*

'Remus?' James asked in a small voice.

Remus was indeed still standing in the same cell, in the same spot, staring at absolutely nothing. His eyes were glassy and bloodshot, but James noticed -to his surprise- that Remus had not been crying.

'Remus, I-' James realised he had no idea of what to say. What could he say? 'Moody told me they're going to St Mungo's in an hour. Maybe we should go with them or- I'm going to sit here and- I know I can't make you talk, Moony, and if you don't want to, that's fine. I'm just going to sit here and wait 'till you've decided.'

So he sighed and walked over to the table and sat on it, cross-legged and looked down. He glanced at Remus a couple of times and played with the laces in his shoes. A long silence fell.

'I almost did it.'

James's head snapped up. He'd been so focussed on his shoelaces, trying to block out everything he'd heard and seen, that he hadn't even noticed that Remus had drawn up a chair and was sitting next to him.

'Remus?' James asked in barely more than a whisper.

'I almost did it, James,' he said again. 'I almost told them to let-'

Remus closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

'If you hadn't been there,' he said, in a shaky voice, 'if you hadn't come back, then I would've let them kill Sirius.'

He gave a mirthless, hollow laugh that, in one way or another, scared James. Remus looked away, hair falling in his eyes, and bit his lip.

'I don't think I can ever face him again.'

'Remus, I don't-'

'I can't, James,' Remus said as he got up. He looked old and sick and tired. 'If they could convince me this easily to- to kill-'

'But Remus, just-' James tried again.

'I don't deserve him, James!' Remus yelled angrily. 'I don't deserve to be there when he wakes up!'

James was a bit taken aback. He wasn't used to Remus getting angry- in fact, in all these years, he could still count the times he'd seen him angry on one hand.

'Remus, don't say stuff like that,' he said. 'They convinced all of us there was no hope. You had to listen to them for so long- I don't think there's anyone who would've acted differently.'

'You would have.' Remus told him, even-faced. 'You said you wouldn't let him die.'

'I didn't go to that hospital every single day for two months straight,' James explained. He was starting to get a bit angry himself. 'I'd been locked up in a tiny house for half a year. I was frustrated and needed to vent. I had no right saying all those things. And Sirius needs you to be there.'

'Don't say that,' Remus said. 'You'll have to tell him everything that happened.'

He turned around and walked out of the cell. James ran after him.

'Remus, where are you going?'

'Away,' he answered. 'For a while.'

'But you can't-'

Remus doubled back and looked James right in the eye. 'If what you're saying is true, and Sirius does not need to forgive me, then I still have to forgive myself. I need time to do that.'

He hugged James briefly.

'Give Lily a kiss for me,' he said, and walked away.

*

James had no idea what had happened when he suddenly found himself on all fours in front of St Mungo's. He looked up and saw Alastor Moody stare at him with his one good eye.

'Next time you let me Apparate you,' he grunted, 'you had better pay some attention.'

When James didn't move, he added, 'your wife's still here. We'll come up in a few minutes.'

James didn't fully understand what came over him as he burst into the hospital, running toward Lily. All he knew was that she could make things better, she always could.

So when he got into the room and Lily smiled at him, all he wanted to do and all he could do, was grab hold of her and hold her as close as he would ever think possible.

'James, what's going on?' she asked, bewildered. 'James? James, you're hurting me.'

He couldn't let go, not just yet. He took her arms and draped them around his neck.

'Just let me hold you for a while,' he whispered.

Lily always knew what was good for him and what was good for her and he was so grateful to her when she gave a half-smile and whispered back, 'Okay.'

*

'I'm sorry,' Sarah said when she ran in on James and Lily, who were still hugging.

'No problem,' James said. 'It's okay.'

Sarah nodded and walked further into the room, towards Sirius's bed. 'I'll be out in a minute, I'm just checking if he's all right. Moving him 'round a bit'

'Sure.' James gave her a sad smile and kissed Lily on the cheek.

'Are you all right, James?' Sarah asked. 'You seem a bit shaken.'

'Yeah.' He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, he wouldn't start crying again. It wasn't going to help them anyway. 'Yeah, it's just been a lot, lately.'

'I bet it has, yeah,' she answered after checking Sirius's pulse and walking over to the door. 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

'Mrs Abbott.' Moody's voice boomed as he walked into the room. 'A moment, please. I've got a few questions I'd like to ask you.'

Sarah turned to James, a terrified look on her face. 'I don't know what-'

'It's okay,' James said softly. 'There's just a few things we really need to know.'

Moody raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Elphias, on the other hand, walked over to James and asked, not at all discretely: 'Could you and your wife leave the room, please? This is official Order-'

'I'm not leaving, Elphias. And neither is Lily. I'll tell her what happened, anyway.'

'But this is against protocol and-'

'Elphias,' Moody grunted, 'the boy's been present at the interrogation. You can't stop him from being here too.'

'Fine,' the Auror muttered. 'Where's your buddy Lupin?'

James swallowed hard. 'He needed to be alone, for a while.'

'Yeah, I'd want to be alone too,' Elphias told them. 'Must be hard, hearin' that. Must be.'

'Hearing what?' Lily asked suddenly. 'What happened? James?'

'Let's just start,' Moody said evasively. 'Mrs Abbott, we have reason to believe Mr Black is not nearly as dying as the Healers here claim him to be.'

'What?' Sarah exclaimed. 'Why would we lie?'

James heard Lily gasp and felt her grab hold of his arm, a few seconds later.

'No one accused you of lying, Mrs Abbott,' Elphias said as he took notes. 'Has Auror Black shown any sign of life in these two months?'

'No,' Sarah said. 'No, he hasn't.'

'He hasn't moved or opened his eyes, nothing?'

'I just told you. He hasn't.'

'What kind of medicine has the doctor prescribed?' Moody asked. James noticed he hadn't even as much as looked in Sirius's direction ever since he'd walked in.

'Something for the pain and something to help prevent decubitus,' Sarah answered.

'Decubitus?' Elphias repeated. 'Those are bed sores, right?'

Sarah nodded.

'I thought there wasn't any medicine that could prevent that,' he said, while frowning. 'Bed sores appear because there's constant pressure in the same places of skin. How could any medicine prevent that?'

'Well,' Sarah started. 'It's new, and quite revolutionary at that. We rotate the patient every four hours and shift them, change sheets to prevent decubitus- only not at night. The combination of all these things should do that. And I'll let you look at Sirius. It has helped. He would've had open wounds by now.'

'Is it true that you have to give him this medicine once a day?' Elphias asked.

'Yes, how do you know?' Sarah asked in reply. 'You're not supposed to know anything about-'

'Have you given it to him today?' Moody cut across her.

'Yes, yes,' Sarah answered, bewildered. 'I always give it to him in the mornings, at around nine. Most of the other Healers do too.'

'Do you have any of it here?' James almost smiled at seeing how eager Moody was for answers.

'Of course.' Sarah motioned towards the corridor. 'In the Healer's department.'

'Take Mr Dodge with you to that department and give him at least one container of that medicine,' Moody went on, 'and as from now, you and all your fellow Healers are forbidden to give him any more of it or any other kind of medicine.'

'But that's impossible!' Sarah exclaimed. 'He needs painkillers. And the wounds will get far worse!'

'I thought Auror Black was in a coma,' Elphias said. 'He can't feel any pain, right?'

'That's bullshit!' Sarah yelled. 'It's not because he won't be able to recall pain should he ever wake up that he can't feel pain at all!'

'Calm down, Mrs Abbot,' Moody said with a cocked eyebrow. 'We're just asking questions.'

'Why would he need painkillers after two months?' Elphias asked, ignoring the insulted look on Sarah's face. 'Aren't his wounds mostly healed?'

'The ones on the outside are, sure,' Sarah said irritably. 'But he's been in nearly the same position for two months with a broken back. He's only in the first stage of healing. And I don't know if you've any experience with broken backs, but that is pain.'

'Does that mean he'll never be able to walk again?' James asked, without thinking. He'd managed staying in the background during the entire conversation, but this was new information about Sirius.

'We don't know yet.' Sarah sighed. 'We'd be able to tell in a week or two, if we were allowed to keep on giving him the medicine-'

'That was an order, Mrs Abbott,' Moody told her. 'You haven't a choice. You will stop giving Auror Black medication from now.'

'When the doctor hears of this, he'll-'

'He'll have to be ready for some questions too,' Elphias said. 'Now, get on with it. I'd like to go home before midnight.'

Sarah glared at James, before leaving the room, Elphias right behind her.

*

Alastor Moody grunted and shrugged. 'You know how he gets.'

'He'll never change.' James pulled a face. He noticed Moody's eyes darting in Sirius's direction before he looked back at his feet.

'It's been a while since I came to see him.' Moody didn't even move, it seemed to James he was afraid to look up.

'Have you been here often, Captain?' he asked.

'I'm not your captain here.' It was a growl, nothing more. 'The name's Alastor and you know that.'

'Alastor,' James repeated.

'Why don't we all have a seat?' Lily said calmly. 'Then you could fill me in about every single thing that happened.'

Both men nodded and took a seat by Sirius's bedside. A long silence fell.

James felt really uncomfortable, having his old trainer, and his now captain, be so present in one of the most emotional few days he'd ever be in. While he knew very well that Sirius was like a son to him, James himself had never been especially important to Mad-Eye and it felt strange to be so close to someone who meant so much to both of them, but to not have a single emotional bond between them themselves.

'It's been a week or two since I last came over,' Moody said suddenly. 'I don't have much time nowadays. Loads of new Death Eaters keep on being convicted and coming to Azkaban.'

'There's no need for you to apologise, Alastor,' Lily said kindly. 'We haven't been here ourselves.'

'Well,' Moody said and sighed. 'I'm going to help Elphias get home before midnight. You have a lot to tell your wife, son.'

James nodded. 'Thank you, Captain.'

Moody rolled his good eye, but gave them a would-be smile anyway.

'I'll make sure you get the lab results in the morning,' he grunted. 'I'm sure you'll contact your friend Lupin and tell him everything.'

James bit his lip and nodded slowly. 'Sure.'

'Don't get your hopes up, son.' Moody saluted them by tipping his forehead with two fingers and left the room quietly.

'I'm waiting,' Lily said as soon as they'd heard the door close. 'I've been in this hospital, alone, all day and I'm waiting.'

James smiled, without actually wanting to. Where in the name of Merlin would he have been in his life without Lily, or Sirius, or Remus?