Oh That Lovely Creature That Is Destiny

A/N I'm sure somebody has done something like this already, but I can't help it. I'm sitting at work and I'm bored. And don't get offended! It's just a joke!

This is also a slightly revised version.

Hermione awoke with a start. She sat up in bed, struck with a blinding realisation. She had been wrong all along! What on earth had she been doing since fourth year wasting her precious time and affection on that red headed prat? Honestly, he was so POOR! And....he had FRECKLES! And once he wore robes with LACE on them!

THAT was the deciding factor. Lace, indeed, thought Hermione with a sniff. Well today she would make it right. No more of that constant mooning about silly red haired boys, oh no sir. Today she would move on to GREENER pastures. She'd always been very fond of green.

Later that day she sat in the common room staring at Harry. Harry stared at her right back. He sighed dreamily. "You're so lovely, Hermione," he simpered. "In fact, you look just like my mother. I think it's Destiny that we be together."

Hermione tossed her wonderfully sleek brown hair and smiled. "Oh yes, Harry! I so look exactly like your mother, I've noticed that myself. That's one of the most compelling reasons why we should be together!"

Harry shifted on his chair, his six feet of bronzed muscle rippling as he did so. Hermione stared at it, entranced. Her bosom heaved as she imagined only the best of sensual pleasures for the two of them, tonight, in her oh so convenient private bedroom. Hermione bit her lip, concentrating. She could wear her purple caftan, she mused, and perhaps that feather duster would come in handy.....

"Hermione!" Harry interrupted. "Have you told Ron?" he asked while running his fingers up and down her arm.

Hermione waved her hand airily. "Nah, but it doesn't matter. We'll just set him up with Lavender or something. Isn't that always what happens when we get together?"

Harry sighed happily and put his hand on her heaving bosom. "Of course,Hermione. You're so very clever. Have you decided what we should name our children?"

Hermione became incredibly distracted by Harry's warm and wonderful hand on her feminine parts. "Ummmm...." she murmered, not taking her eyes from Harry's wonderful green eyes. "Perhaps we should finish this discussion upstairs?"

Harry looked adoring. "Oh yes, my love," he said, and made a move as if to sweep her up in his arms. Suddenly the portrait hole opened and Ron came in.

"Oh, bother," Hermione said. She walked over to Ron, whose mouth was open. "Quit looking so stupid, Ron," she snapped, but of course Ron didn't listen. Ron never listened. She thought about his ridiculous fear of spiders. Well, gosh darn it, spiders were cute! She loved all their furry legs! And what had Ron been doing with a teddy bear in the first place! What a sissy! And that time he had belched up slugs for her, well, that just showed how stupid he was. In fact, she was never going to talk to Ron again after this day, not when she had Harry, who was a wonderful listener, and such a stud besides.

She surveyed Ron quickly, from his too short robes to his over large feet. She then looked at Harry, who actually seemed to be glowing. She sighed happily. No choice there,nope, not at all. "Harry and I have decided that you should be with Lavender. She's a wonderful consolation prize, you see."

Ron smiled. "Righty-O, then." he said, walking over to Lavender and taking her hand. Lavender sqealed and kissed him. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to go get to know each other. She never did show me her anus." Lavender giggled, and, hand in hand, the two of them walked away into the sunset that had conveniently, magically appeared.

Hermione turned back to Harry. "Well, thats settled then," she said happily. Harry nodded. She then took his hand. "Now, what say we go have that "discussion?" And, as one, the happy pair walked up the stairs, out of sight.

Ginny Weasley sighed. "It's too bad about Hermione looking so much like Harry's Mum," she mused sadly, pushing a lock of red hair behind her ear. "I mean, if it weren't for that, maybe I would have had a chance."

The End

A/N I have no excuse for that. I'm sorry. It was ridiculous. But, I swear to you, I'm not making up that Hermione looking like Lily thing, I saw somebody say it once. How silly is that?

Stay tuned for "Harry and Hermione ignore Ron to make a passionate love child, and Ron turns into something remarkably like a creature from Lord of the Rings, while also becoming a death eater. Precious.