Harry Potter and the Incredibly Stupid Hero

*We open for the return to the magical world of Harry Potter in... the clouds. While this pull-in is completely pointless, we see it come back again and again for the rest of the series. Also, every house on Privet Drive looks EXACTLY THE SAME*

Hedwig: Let me out of here! You never told me I have the right to remain silent! What about my Miranda rights?!

Harry: That only works if you're American. And human. Besides, I can't let you out. Even if I've finally been allowed a bedroom, the Dursleys are still douchebags, and...

Hedwig: I DON'T WANT YOUR EXCUSES! LET ME OUT, DAMMIT!

Uncle Vernon: *squawks. No, this isn't backwards at all*

Harry: Just great. This movie's starting out fabulously.... *trudges downstairs*

Aunt Petunia: I look like something out of a fifties sitcom, and I'm not even quite sure what this thing is in my hands. Apparently it's edible, but it sure as hell doesn't look like it.

Dudley: I have no purpose whatsoever in this movie, but look how snazzy I look in this bow tie! It's what every well-dressed killer whale is wearing!

Uncle Vernon: I don't like your bird squawking all the time, so shut it up. Animals do not need exercise!

Harry: Apparently, neither do you. Dear God, somehow you've managed to gain even more weight! Your ass needs its own zip code!

Uncle Vernon: Shut your noise, you! You can't send mail! NO FRIENDS FOR YOU! Ahem. Now, places everyone! It's time for our performance of Kissing Minor Character Ass!

Aunt Petunia and Dudley: *snivel and practice kissing minor character ass*

Uncle Vernon: But you're not allowed near us because we don't like you.

Harry: Fine by me. *stalks back upstairs only to find Yoda jumping on his bed after apparently rolling around in dog shit* What. The. Hell.

Dobby: Hello! Dobby is subservient, and if Harry Potter is not allowed to kiss ass, Dobby will kiss Harry Potter's ass for him!

Harry: So... why are you here?

Dobby: Dobby came to issue vague warnings and not be remotely helpful. Also, the special effects team didn't want to wait to get to Hogwarts to show off, so Dobby is an excuse, sir. Dobby snivels at Harry Potter's feet!

Harry: Wow. Everyone you've ever met must suck.

Dobby: *beats the hell out of himself*

Harry: What. The. Hell. *This will become a mantra through this movie. He has no idea what's going on half the time*

Dobby: Dobby is not free to call his masters the scumbags they are. He has to punish himself just for coming here to offer the aforementioned vague warning melodramatically. Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year!

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hogwarts is my home! No one loves me here! I have to go back to the wondrous magically-ish things and rainbows and bunnies!

Dobby: But bad things are going to happen! Unnamed persons are plotting against your life!

Harry: So? What else is new? I mean... what?

Dobby: CAN'T SAY! *begins beating the hell out of himself again*

Harry: Stop it! Stop it! Self-mutilation is not the answer!

Uncle Vernon: Yeah, I'm a prick, in case you've forgotten. NO MORE NOISE! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EXIST WHEN THERE ARE MINOR CHARACTERS AROUND! *leaves*

Harry: See why I have to go back? The embodiment of all evil is so much better than these people! I have friends at Hogwarts who other people can actually see!

Dobby: Then why don't they write to you? *wiggles his non-existant eyebrows knowingly*

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Dobby: Look! Dobby has all Harry Potter's letters! Ron Weasley has some very... interesting things to say to Harry Potter... things Dobby would never have imagined a twelve-year-old boy to say....

Harry: Um... ew. So, can I have my letters back?

Dobby: Only if Harry Potter catches Dobby! *runs off, cackling maniacally*

Harry: I knew characters who speak in the third person were always psychos.... *follows Dobby*

Dobby: Look, Harry Potter! 'Tis an Unidentified Flying Object! *the horrible sugar coated monstrosity Petunia was holding is now floating over the heads of one of the minor characters. The Dursleys practice their patented Look of Utter Horror and Doom™ that they do every time something involving Harry happens* Say Harry Potter won't go back to school or the cake... pudding... glob of processed sugar... thing... gets it!

Harry: I can't! Hogwarts is my home! *fails at earning the audience's sympathy*

*Dobby snaps his fingers and that enormous pile of mush that even my sugar crazed stomach couldn't possibly hold down explodes all over Minor Character #2. The Dursleys cringe, and Dobby convieniently disappears, making it look like Harry threw that perversion of all that is sugary at her.*

Uncle Vernon: Um... don't mind him, he's just crazy.

Minor Characters: *leave in disgust... one of them is still covered in bright pink... stuff*

Uncle Vernon: NOOOOOOOOO! MY ONLY FRIENDS! *sob* We're done with you, boy! Time to unleash the full power of child abuse on you! *Harry is sent off to Alcatraz* Now let's see you disobey Elmo's creepy ugly half-brother!

Harry: Okay, seriously, why hasn't somebody picked me up and arrested these people for child abuse yet?

*Cut to nighttime. Harry carves another tally mark into his cell wall*

Harry: Day number 349... seriously, now. Where the hell are Child Services?

Audience: Ignoring you completely because you have brown hair and blue eyes.

*Suddenly, the coolest car in the universe appears outside Harry's barred up window. Inside are three gorgeous redheads... now with low, deep, "Thank GOD for puberty!" voices!*

Ron: Hey, I don't know about Child Services, but how about your best friend?

Fred and George: Hi, Harry! We're actually in this movie! ... Sort of! Oh yeah, and we're here to rescue you.

Ron: Lucky we brought this random grappling hook!

*Ron hooks said random grappling hook around the bars, Fred puts the pedal to the metal, and they manage to rip away the entire front of the house*

Fred: *looks at the wall laying on the ground* Maybe they won't notice?

Uncle Vernon: Guess what? I noticed! *utterly fails at recapturing his nephew*

Hedwig: HEY! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND, YOU ASSHAT!

Harry: Oh, my love! How could I do such a heinous thing?! *runs back inside to get his beloved owl, while the Weasley boys stare awkwardly at Cali's affinity for random bestiality in her fics. Aftewards, Vernon tries to pull Harry back into the house by the ankle but falls off the edge as Petunia and Dudley watch with the Look of Utter Horror and Doom™ Vernon still fails because being a douche never got you anywhere in life and falls off the front of the house right into the front garden. This should kill him, but, sadly, doesn't. However....*

Aunt Petunia: Dammit, I worked hard on those rosebushes!

*Together, the good guys abandon Yuppieville and fly off into the dawn off to what has GOT to be the most badass house ever. Seriously, I'm not sure what Ron's complaining about, because the Burrow freaking ROCKS*

Harry: Wow! More magic! This is brilliant!

Ron: What isn't brilliant compared to what you've been living in?

Harry: ... good point.

Molly: *not quite so "Awww!" inducing at the moment* HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE?! *looks at Harry, and is no longer about to eat her sons whole* Lovely to see you, darling. *goes back to spitting fire* YOU COULD HAVE DIED, YOU IDIOTS! YOU KNOW HOW I GET WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER!

*Somewhere, Bellatrix Lestrange is cowering under her bed, plagued by horrible memories of book 7*

Ron: But Mum, they had him trapped in Alcatraz! No one deserves that!

Molly: YOU JUST MIGHT IF YOU EVER DO SOMETHING THAT STUPID AGAIN! RAAARGH!

Ginny: I'm actually important in this mov-- OMGIT'SHARRYPOTTER! *flee*

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Ron: Don't worry about her, she's just my little sister and your future love interest. Oddly enough, though, she only has about three lines in this entire movie, and her record doesn't improve much by number five, either. Why is my entire family screentime deprived?

Arthur: Hello, all! I, the Father of the Year, was graced with an appearance and some delightfully witty dialogue in this movie! But my job is so difficult-- nine raids! Nine!

Harry: Raids?

Ron: Dad's secretly a Viking. You know, pillaiging, plundering, looting, the whole drill. When he's not doing that, he works in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office at the Ministry.

Arthur: Who are you?

Harry: Um, do you not see the scar? I'm Harry Potter, you halfwit!

Arthur: *goggles at him for a minute, then fangirls. Remember Ron on the train ride last parody? Well, like father, like son* So, when did you arrive?

Molly: YOUR SONS FLEW THAT CAR OF YOURS TO ALCATRAZ AND BACK!!!

Arthur: OMG, really?! You have to tell me all about it!

Molly: Grrr....

Arthur: Yes, dear. *cowers* Now... it's time for... the best... line... in the movie! After I finish pausing dramatically!

*Seriously, nothing I could write in this parody could possibly top that rubber duck line. Anyway, suddenly, an owl drops from the sky... no, it literally drops, crashing straight into the window. Harry winces*

Molly: Oh, don't worry, it's just our post owl. We shouldn't think about replacing him or anything for his own health.

Percy: *has been at breakfast this whole time, not saying anything because his hair has had him under a mind control curse. Honestly, THIS is what Harry's hair should look like... only black. And slightly less out of control* Oh, look, it's our Hogwarts letters. Dumbledore's even sent us Harry's-- I think you might have a stalker!

Harry: *pales visibly at the thought of being stalked by Dumbledore*

Ron: Cheer up, Harry! It could be Snape stalking you!

Harry: *shudders*

Fred: Uh-oh. We have to reestablish that we're poor, in case the audience somehow managed to forget.

Molly: Don't worry, we've always managed before despite my uncanny ability to undermine the world's efforts at population control. There's only one place we're going to find all this-- Diagon Alley! Always low prices-- always!

George: Um... Mum? This isn't a commercial.

Molly: Oh. Damn, and here I thought I could make some extra money if I advertised for them. Anyway, this kitty litter will get us there wonderfully quick!

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Ron: Don't worry, Harry, I'll show you how to do it! *takes kitty litter* DIAGON ALLEY! *bursts into flame*

Harry: ... well, that was reassuring.

Molly: Don't worry, Harry, if you speak VERY, VERY CLEARLY, you won't burn to death. But you have to speak VERY, VERY, VERY CLEARLY. If you don't speak VERY, VERY CLEARLY, it won't work. Have I drilled it into your brain yet that you have to speak VERY, VERY CLEARLY?

Harry: Yep! *throws kitty litter into the fire* DSASAIDOSIPFGNALWJEARLLEY!

Arthur: ... what the hell did he just say?

Molly: Nothing in any humanly recognizable language, that's for sure.

Arthur: ... well. He's screwed.

Harry: *reemerges in a dark, scary, clearly sinister shop* Well, I'm pretty sure this isn't Diagon Alley. Bloody hero stupidity.... Oh, look, a dead, rotting hand in a store clearly full of Dark magic. Any reason I shouldn't touch it? ... nope!

Hand: DUMBASS! *snaps down on Harry's arm, thus scaring the hell out of first time viewers who totally weren't expecting anything bad to happen*

Harry: *wrenches away and bolts for the door*

Audience Who's Read the Books: Hey! What happened to the Malfoys?!

Screenwriters: Not important enough. We're kind of against giving Draco decent screentime, in case you haven't noticed. Don't worry, they're on the DVD.

Audience Who's Read the Books: Bastards.

*Anyway, Harry is now on an equally dark, scary, clearly sinister street called Knockturn Alley. Everyone here is moldy, decrepit, dirty, hunchbacked, and cursed with worse teeth than Marcus Flint. It would be much easier to accept that the scum of the Wizarding world looked this hideous if it weren't for Alan Rickman, Tom Felton, Jason Isaacs, Helena Bonham Carter, Ralph Fiennes, the delicious boy who plays young Tom Riddle whose name escapes me, and the rest of the Death Eater Beauty Queens*

Creepy People: Hello, little boy... come, let us molest you!

Harry: *stands there like the dumbass he is instead of trying to get the hell out of there, until...*

Hagrid: Harry! What are you doing down there? I know you're just hitting puberty, but you don't want anything to do with their kind of sexual fantasies!

*they make their way up a set of stairs back to the shiny happiness of Diagon Alley*

Harry: What were you doing down there?

Hagrid: Um... buying Flesh Eating Slug Repellent. Yeah.

Harry: Are those crack rocks in your pocket?

*Hagrid is saved from having to answer to his drug-dealing ways by the appearance of Hermione, standing at the top of the stairs in front of Gringotts and expecting applause for even existing*

Hermione: Harry! Everyone's been so worried about you, but no one wanted to get off their ass and look for you. Who would when I'm around? Oh, look. Your eyes have turned blue again. Occulus Reparo!

Harry's Eyes: *are still blue*

Hermione: Oh well. Sometimes it doesn't work. I've read about that. Come on! It's time to meet a new character!

Molly: Harry! You're okay! We were so worried! But, you see, Gilderoy Lockhart's here, and meeting him is far more important than the safety of our main protagonist!

Harry: Why am I not feeling any capacity to forgive you whatsoever?

Lockhart: *prances in wearing clothes that only one man in the universe can pull off. I'll give you a hint-- it's not him. Sparkly rainbows appear behind him because he is clearly flaming, despite the fact that every woman in the crowd is swooning. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic, but this guy is a disgrace to humanity, let alone the gay community* Worship me, fangirls!

All the Women in the Crowd: *fangirl*

Audience: Umm... David Bowie called. He wants his pants back.

Lockhart: Like, OMG! It's, like, totally Harry Potter! *kidnaps Harry to the front*

Harry: I think his crotch might attack me... help.

Weasleys and Hermione: *idly twiddle their thumbs*

Lockhart: Just because he's, like, totally cute and totally famous, I'm giving him all of my books so he can see just how totally cute and totally famous he can get in the future-- he can be like me 'cause I'm, like, completely amazing.

Harry: *staggers back to the Weasleys under the staggering weight of a million huge books, a few thousand photographs, the occasional elephant....* Screw fighting Voldemort, that was the most traumatic experience of my life.

Draco: *appears from the shadows* Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?

Harry: *can't focus on the rest of what Draco's saying because he's too busy trying not to get spit on*

*Suddenly, the clouds part-- yes, there are clouds inside, shut up-- and a single ray of light appears over the next new character. A choir of angels sings, and the most delicious hunk of man ever to grace the Harry Potter series with his presence steps out, hitting Draco with his pimp cane. This is Lucius Malfoy, hereafter called Luscious Mouthful because... DAMN. Just... DAMN.*

Luscious Mouthful: Shut up, Draco. Daddy has a movie to steal. *gropes Harry's forehead*

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Luscious Mouthful: Your scar is legend.. as, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you.

Harry: Stop touching me, you creep!

Luscious Mouthful: Don't insult those better looking than you, especially when I fit my canon description, unlike you, with your neat brown hair and blue eyes!

Harry: *sob* But Voldemort killed my parents!

Luscious Mouthful: You must be very brave to mention his name... or very foolish. Judging by your track record for this movie, I'd put my money-- I have tons of it, you know-- on the latter.

Hermione: Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself. That's what Dumbledore would have said if that line hadn't been cut-- I've read about it.

Luscious Mouthful: You must be Miss Granger. Your parents are dentists, aren't they?

My Voice: How is it that I have the perfect setup here and I can't think of a single Little Shop of Horrors reference?

Arthur: Is this the meeting for the Living Fathers of Main Characters Club?

Luscious Mouthful: Ugh, it's a Weasley. I don't like you.

Arthur: At least my eyebrows match my hair.

Luscious Mouthful: At least I'm not on welfare, you disgrace to the name of wizard.

Arthur: Pfft, you're a disgrace to the name of wizard.

Luscious Mouthful: I'm rubber, you're glue. Oh, dear, whatever has happened to my conveniently placed tattered book? I must have dropped it outside. It is certainly not in your daughter's cauldron. See you at work, Weasley.

Arthur: But you don't work at the Ministry.

Draco: See you at school. *waggles his eyebrows suggestively at Harry*

Harry: Well. That was awkward.

Audience: What? Where was the fight scene?

*No need for that, we have a train to catch!*

Molly: We're late! We're late! For a very important date!

*All the other Weasley kids manage to get through the barrier, but after a long moment of standing around stupidly, Harry and Ron crash into the barrier*

Harry: Oh, no! We've missed the train! I knew we shouldn't have stood there like idiots!

Ron: The gateway's sealed itself for some reason!

Audience: Really? We hadn't noticed.

Harry: Let's go wait by the car no one's seen yet.

Ron: Nah, that can't potentially get us killed. Let's steal the car instead!

Audience Who Hasn't Read The Books: How are Mr. and Mrs. Weasley going to get home? And where did this car come from anyway?

Audience Who Has Read The Books: Idiots.

Hedwig: Hey, bitch, what about me? Sending an owl to Hogwarts would be the smart thing-- oh, wait. Forgot who I'm talking to.

*A car rises into the air. Several people notice*

Harry: Um, Ron, I know we've already been spotted by half of London, but Muggles aren't used to seeing cars fly.

Ron: No problem! It's got a cloaking device!

*The car is now invisible*

Harry: Why didn't you do that half an hour ago?

Ron: Well, we have to have some reason for the teachers to get pissed later.

*They keep flying, and, after we're treated to about fifteen minutes of the glory of the Scottish countryside, suddenly, we can see the car again! Oh, noes!*

Ron: Oh, no, we're visible again! Let's get out of the cover of the cloud to try and find the train. *he dips the car down to the train tracks. Because this is a brilliant idea*

Harry: But where ever could the train have gone?

Ron: I do not know. It does not seem to be in front of us.

Harry: Wait a moment. That sounded like a train whistle.

Ron: Oh, good. We must be getting close.

*Do I really even need to say it? The train is, in fact RIGHT BEHIND THEM, and nearly runs them over. They pretend they're in Home Alone for a moment before finally doing the sensible thing and going back into the air. Unfortunately, they still suck, and the door flies open. Harry falls out of the car, dangling helplessly hundreds of feet off the ground....*

My Voice: Time for a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Authoress-- always wear a seat belt, kiddies! Especially if you have a track record of epic failure, like Harry. And now, back to your regularly scheduled parody!

Ron: Give me your hand!

Harry: I can't! Your hand's all sweaty!

Ron: That's because you're making me hot!

Harry: Stop making half-assed sexual advances and rescue me, you twit!

Ron: Right, sorry! *hauls Harry back into the car*

Harry: I think we found the train.

Hedwig: No shit, Sherlock.

*They make it to Hogwarts, which is all pretty and peaceful in the darkness*

Harry: Safe at last!

Ford Anglia: Think again!

*Suddenly, the car's engine starts failing, and they go plummeting towards the ground below. They practice their Macaulay Culkin impersonations again*

Hedwig: WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!

*Before Cali can fully enjoy the glorious vision of grown-up Rupert Grint dressed like George of the Jungle, they crash into said tree, and Ron breaks his wand*

Ron: Oh, no! I broke my wand! Now I'm going to be downgraded to comic relief again!

Harry: Still, we're not about to die any more. Safe at last!

Whomping Willow: Think again!

*The Whomping Willow tries to kill them several times, but by the power of CGI, harnesses, hydraulic lifts, and other mechanical genius-type things, they manage to survive as the car's engine comes back to life*

Ford Anglia: Huh, what? Sorry-- fell asleep for a second. *It soars off to the ground before dying again, staying on just long enough to forcibly eject Harry, Ron, and their pets onto the lawn* Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Audience Who's Read The Books: Why did it have to let Scabbers out, why?

Hedwig: God, I hate you all.

Harry: Well, despite weird warnings from Elmo's creepy ugly half-brother, scary people in bookstores, a nasty encounter with a train, and almost getting beaten to death by a tree, I think we're safe at last!

Filch: Think again.

Ron: I wish you'd stop saying that, Harry!

*Cut to Snape's office later*

Snape: You gandered at my ward, Johanna, you GANDERED at her, YES, SIR, YOU-- oh, wait, wrong movie. Damn. Er... you were seen! And you broke a tree! As punishment for this heinous crime, I should punish both of you... severely.... *crawls on top of the desk, clearly trying to seduce them*

Dumbledore: Severus, get down from there, they're only twelve years old. Stop acting sketchy around the kids.

Snape: *eyes go all big and shiny* B-b-b-but....

Dumbledore: Professor McGonagall is going to decide how best to punish them, not you.

Harry: Oh, good, so we won't end up as sex slaves. That's a relief.

Ron: We'll go get our stuff.

McGonagall: What the hell are you talking about?

Ron: Aren't we being chucked out so the next movie can be called Hermione Granger and the 99% On the Potions Exam?

McGonagall: Of course not, you're Gryffindors. No one in their right mind would ever punish you!

*Harry and Ron glance at Snape, who is still sulking*

McGonagall: He doesn't count, he never really got over having to register as a sex offender. All I'm going to do is tell your families and give you really mild detentions. So, basically, for nearly screwing over the entire Wizarding world, all you get is a slap on the wrist. Aren't you glad you're in the House of Blatant Favoritism?

Snape: Strict but fair, my ass. Good job, JKR. *grumbles*

*Well, now that that's sorted out, we head to a class that didn't exist last year... Herbology!*

Sprout: Welcome to Gardening 101, everybody! Today we're going to learn about something that will end up crucial to the plot. Now, Miss Granger, would you like to show off and provide a bit of foreshadowing?

Hermione: Sure! Mandrakes are used to bring back people who have been Petrified to their original state, but their cries are so annoying that they can kill you if you hear them.

Sprout: Excellent, now everyone fangirl over her. Our Mandrakes won't kill you just yet, but they're still unbelievably irritating, so everyone put on your earmuffs. Oh, and don't ask me why you can still hear me, but not the mandrakes, because I'll be damned if I know. Ready? One, two, three!

*She yanks the ugliest creature ever to exist out of the dirt. It looks like a baby made of dirt, which, considering they have to chop them up later, is REALLY creepy. Also, no one cares about poor Neville and words cannot sufficiently describe how annoying the noise they make is, so on to the next scene!*

*It's breakfast time, and Ron has just finished taping up his broken wand*

Ron: So ends any hope of decent character development for this movie. *sighs gloomily*

*Suddenly lightning flashes in the Great Hall! Oh, wait, no, it's just a camera*

Colin Creevey: Hiya, Harry! I look exactly like the Authoress's little cousin, so she likes me enough to actually put me in this parody! Most people just ignore me, but look! Here I am!

*Time for the clearly dangerous arrival of the post, which cuts off my cousin's clone's screentime*

Seamus: Hey, everyone! I have lines in this movie! And Weasley's got a Howler!

Howler: I'M NOT HALF AS BAD AS I'M SUPPOSED TO BE! YOU NEARLY MADE YOUR FATHER LOSE HIS JOB, BUT THIS LETTER IS A REALLY CRAPPY PUNISHMENT! *pause* By the way, Ginny's in Gryffindor, too.

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Books: Wait, who's Ginny again?

Audience Who Has Read the Books: And to think, she was once important.

Ron: If the earth wants to open up and swallow me whole, this would be a good time to do it.

*It doesn't, but they are transported to Hell... if Hell was a sparkly ego castle for the disgrace to the name of gay that is Lockhart*

Lockhart: I feel FABULOUS today! Okay, so, like, I'm Professor Lockhart, and I'm, like, soooo amazing. You might face some totally unfabulous things in this room...

Audience: Not until next year, mate.

Lockhart: ...but don't worry! I'm totally going to protect you from everything with the power of my FAAABULOUS smile! Like, try not to scream, 'cause it might, like, scare them.

*He finally realizes he sucks at building suspense, so he swishes the cover off the cage next to them. Inside are these cute wittle blue guys with big round eyes and little evil grins. I seriously want a pet Cornish pixie, because they're adorable. If anyone knows where I can get one, that would be lovely*

Lockhart: They can be, like, horribly tricky, but let's see what you do with them!

*The little CGI demons fly around, breaking things so the Special Effects Department can blatantly show off. Most of the student body rushes out as Lockhart relieves Harry of his title as The Series's Biggest Failure At Life, but poor Neville is stuck on the ceiling, and the Big Three are contractually obligated to be around whenever something bad happens*

Neville: Um... little help here?

Lockhart: Like, heroes, would you like to, like, get rid of these things? I'd do it myself but I might, like, break a nail or something. Thaaanks. *leaves*

Hermione: Is that an opportunity for me to show off? Excellent! IMMOBILUS!

*All the pixies are frozen, and their gormless expressions when they're stuck floating in space is just too cute!*

Ron: Any reason you didn't do that earlier?

Hermione: Don't you dare undermine my awesomeness!

*So, what could possibly make up for Lockhart being a stupid, bungling prat? QUIDDITCH, of course!*

Ollie-poo: Hey Cali, why have you still not changed my name back?

My Voice: Just because Luscious Mouthful is around now doesn't mean you've gotten any less gorgeous!

Ollie-poo: Right... Anyway, I have no life besides working on my delicious accent, so I completely overhauled our Quidditch program!

Rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team: Greeeeat...

Slytherins: Hey, guys, can we play, too?

Ollie-poo: *is adorable when he's indignant*

Marcus Flint: *still has atrocious teeth* Calm down, Ollie-poo. I have a note! *holds it up like it's the freaking Declaration of Independence*

Ron: Hey, Hermione, let's go be in this scene too!

Hermione: Right behind you!

Ollie-poo: "I, Professor Severus Snape, do hereby give the Slytherin team permission to practice today, owing to the need to train their new Seeker in the noble art of..." Oh, God, I am not reading that last part. That is disgusting.

Marcus Flint: That's why he crossed it out, you mangy Scots git.

Ollie-poo: Hey, don't insult me, I'm hot! Who's the newbie?

Draco: Aha! It is I, come to show you up in yet another aspect of your life! And look-- we have new, evil broomsticks! My dad bought them, because my father can afford the best. It pays to be beautiful, you know.

Hermione: If your father can afford seven new broomsticks and the thousands of hair-care products everyone knows he uses, why can't he buy Flint braces to fix his horrible teeth?

*Everyone pauses as Draco tries to think of a response to this most valid of questions*

Draco: ... Shut up, you Mudblood!

*The Gryffindors gasp melodramatically*

Ron: You'll pay for that one, Malfoy! *utterly FAILS at cursing Malfoy and ends up burping up slugs*

Harry: Ugh! That is wrong on so many levels!

Ron: Actually, they taste like jelly beans.

Hermione: Never mind what they taste like, leave the magic to me, idiot! I'm the only one allowed to show off, because I'm the only one who's actually competent, got it?

Ron: *burps up more slugs* ... yes, ma'am.

*Harry and Hermione drag Ron to Hagrid's, whose idea of helping is to put a bucket in front of him, rather than, you know, going to someone who could do a countercurse or something*

Hagrid: So, even though I could totally see that scene from my house, who was he trying to curse?

Harry: Malfoy. He called Hermione mean names!

Hermione: *crying so she can impress the Oscar committee* He called me a Mudblood! How could he do something so cruel and heartless?

Harry: But what is a Mudblood?

Hermione: It's the Wizarding world's only racial slur! Really bad guys use it against people like me who are better than everyone else but have Muggle parents!

Ron: Hey! These are supposed to be my lines! You're not even supposed to know what a Mudblood is!

Hermione: I read about it, and you don't deserve screentime. All you're good for is comic relief.

Ron: I hate my life.

Hagrid: C'mere and give your big ol' gentle giant a hug.

*Hagrid and Hermione hug, while the other two notice a few things....*

Ron: Did he just try to cop a feel?

Harry: I always knew he was a pedophile. Why else would his only friends be a bunch of twelve year olds?

*Thus, they made a resolution never to eat anything made by Hagrid ever again-- you never know what he'll slip into it. Anyway, after that episode, we skip through the rest of the day and find Harry back in Lockhart's office*

Lockhart: Isn't this, like, the most fabulous detention evaaar? Like, seriously, is there anything better than, like, sitting in a room with me?

Harry: Being thrown naked into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razorblades comes to mind.

*Lockhart babbles for a bit about shit no one cares about when Harry starts hearing voices*

Voice: Hellooooo, you delicious little hunk of prepubescent boy....

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Lockhart: Like, I know! *girly giggle* That's totally what I said when I realized how totally fabulous I am!

Harry: No, not you! That voice!

Lockhart: You're just, like, tired. And no wonder! Like, get out of my office. I've got to go, like, curl my hair and stuff, so, like, later!

*Harry walks through the oddly creepy halls, when....*

Voice: Let me to unspeakable things to you... Things Snape can only dream of....

*Scared out of his mind, Harry runs through the halls, trying to find exactly what it is that's perving on him. All he finds, however, is a victimized redhead and an obnoxious know-it-all*

Hermione: Harry, what the hell are you looking for?

Harry: MAKE THE VOICES STOP!!!

Ron: ... it's official. He's cracked.

*They follow Harry, who is still looking around wildly, trying to silence the voices in his head, when they come across... the Writing on the Wall!*

Hermione: *reading* "Chamber of Secrets, Grand Reopening Special-- 100 Galleons for adults, 50 for children over 12 and seniors, children under 12 free."

Ron: *whimpers*

Hermione: You're telling me! They call those prices a special?

Ron: Not that! It's written in blood!

Hermione: No, it isn't, don't worry. It's ketchup-- blood turns brown when it dries. *Ron and Harry stare at her, frightened* What? I've read about it!

Ron: What's that thing underneath?

Hermione: Why, fancy that, it's... how the hell do you hang a cat like that?

Draco: Hey, can I be in this scene, too?

Filch: NO! MRS. NORRIS! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO YOU, MY DARLING? *sobs* I'LL KILL YOU, POTTER! YOU WERE IN THE SAME HALLWAY! YOU MUST HAVE KILLED HER! My only love... *cries*

Harry: Nooooo! The voices made me do it! The voices, I tell you!

Hermione: Shut up, you idiot, you didn't do it.

Dumbledore: *conveniently appears to defend Harry as usual* Unless you're a protagonist or a teacher, get out of here. This is no place for minor characters! *everyone leaves* Good news-- she's not dead!

Harry: Um... yippee.

Lockhart: OMG, it, like, sooo sucks that I wasn't there to save her. *Needless to say, everyone ignores him*

Dumbledore: But because I'm oddly ineffectual for someone so wise, I have no idea how this happened.

Filch: POTTER DID IT!

Harry: ... the voices... *Ron and Hermione glare at him to shut him up*

Snape: Perhaps they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. *Everyone stares at him in shock. WTF is he doing defending Harry of all people?!* But I doubt it. I don't remember seeing Potter at dinner. We all know that I keep track of where Harry is at all times.

Harry: *edges away from Alan Rickman the stalker*

Audience: How is that suspicious? Surely plenty of other students were in their dormitories, or in detention, or the library or something!

Lockhart: Like, I am soooo sorry, that was so my bad!

Hermione: *stares at him* So Ron and I went looking for him because they were taking so long and we were worried about what Lockhart might be doing to him...

Harry: And then we found the cat. Yeah.

Dumbledore: Well, even though that's really pathetic evidence, we won't bother investigating more. There's no way Gryffindors could possibly be behind anything unsavory!

Filch: WHAT?! My lover... er, cat, has been petrified! PUNISH THESE CRETINS!

Ron: You have sex with your cat on a daily basis and you call us cretins?

Dumbledore: Don't worry. We'll chop up little squealing, sentient dirt babies and then she'll be A-okay! Now, everybody be careful and buzz off!

Hermione: Oh, and by the way, it's bad when you hear voices no one else can hear. Means you're a psychopath.

Harry: Well. That's reassuring.

*On that rather depressing but not really because this is a parody note, back to your regularly scheduled classes!*

McGonagall: Today we will be turning animals into water goblets, because that's a vital life skill you'll be using often in everyday life.

Hermione: *raises her hand* How about you set the main plot up for us instead? I'd do it myself, but the directors said I wasn't allowed. *under her breath* The bastards.

McGonagall: Once upon a time, there were four Hogwarts founders, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff, and Salazar Slytherin. Slytherin was a colossal douche and didn't like the other three founders because they weren't pureblood supremacists. Somehow, it managed escape their notice that he was building a whole new wing of the castle and bringing in a monster to put in it. Now it's been opened again, which means the monster can kill off everyone who's not a protagonist. But not to worry you or anything.

Ron: So do you really think there is a Chamber of Secrets?

Hermione: No shit, Sherlock, why do you think her voice was shaking when she was talking about it?

Ron: Is that what that was? I thought it just meant that she'd had a bit too much to drink last night.

Hermione: You're an idiot. This means the Heir of Slytherin has returned to Hogwarts, and we have another mystery to solve!

Harry: Jinkies! Who could the Heir be?

Ron: Malfoy, of course! He's the only main character in Slytherin! Therefore, he must be responsible!

Hermione: Brilliant! And there's a perfect way to find out, too! I've read about it!

Ron: Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be happy to hear those words....

Hermione: Unfortunately, it's dangerous, but it's okay. No one likes you two as much as they like me, so you're dispensable.

*Apparently, this potion is so dangerous that the book it's in isn't even in the Restricted Section*

Hermione: "Properly brewed, the Polyjuice Potion allows the drinker to transform himself..." Well, that was rather sexist of them... "temporarily into the physical form of another. Improperly brewed, it can cause nausea, vomiting, diharrea, permanent brain damage or excruciatingly slow, painful death."

Ron: Wicked! It can turn us into Crabbe and Goyle, which means he'll tell us anything!

Harry: Did you even hear that last part?

Ron: What last part? Who are you people?

Hermione: Oh, woe, it's so difficult!

Harry: Shut up and use those genius powers you're constantly bragging about.

Hermione: Will do!

*We've got other things to worry about, though... like a Quidditch match!*

Luscious Mouthful: Hi, guys!

Snape: Why are you here?

Luscious Mouthful: 'Cause I'm preeeetty.

Snape: Riiight... and what in God's name is on your head?

Luscious Mouthful: *adjusts the dead mole on his head* Isn't it snazzy? Found it outside my manor and thought it would make an awesome hat.

*Back on the pitch, Slytherin is whipping Gryffindor ass with the power of their new evil brooms*

Draco: I use my new position as Seeker to sneer malevolently at you! Hahahaha!

Harry: Sooo... this is different from the rest of the time... how, exactly?

*Before anyone can say anything else, a psychotic Bludger from Hell bursts onto the scene and nearly kills Harry several times, while Hagrid states the obvious from the stands*

Hagrid: It's a rogue Bludger!

Ron: *overacts* OH, NO! What will we do? *gasp* I know! *pulls out his wand*

Hermione: No, dumbass, your wand sucks and you could hit Harry. Now sit down and shut up.

Draco: The half-baked insult brigade has returned! Oh! Hark! What could that odd buzzing sound in my ear be?

Harry: You know, it's not surprised you're only a snivelling lackey. *zooms towards the Snitch on top of Draco's head*

Draco: *makes his priceless "OMG!!!" face and runs away like the pansy he is*

Bludger from Hell: I just want to crush you to pieces!!! *zooms around, blowing things up as the Special Effects Department have their giant orgy. This lasts for about twenty minutes, before Draco fails at flying, runs straight into a beam and gets knocked to the ground, landing flat on his crotch*

Luscious Mouthful: *facepalm* Son for sale, gently used. Seriously. I don't want him.

*But wait! The Special Effects guys aren't quite done yet, and the Bludger from Hell chases Harry around some more, breaking his arm and finally knocking him on his crotch, too*

Harry: *in agony* Oh, God, I'm sorry, Ginny....

Bludger from Hell: WHY WON'T YOU DIE?! *smashes at the ground like a sledgehammer*

Hermione: You know what? Screw this noise. *blows up the Bludger from Hell and showers Harry in bits of burning, broken metal*

Ron: That's all I wanted to do!

Hermione: Yes, but every time you try to do magic, it backfires horribly, and I'm perfect. Need I remind you of the slugs?

Ron: *sulks*

Lockhart: Like, don't worry, Harry! I can totally fix you up!

Harry: I think I'd rather have the Bludger from Hell crush every vital organ in my body.

Ron: *eyeing Harry's bruised privates* You mean it hasn't already?

Lockhart: Oh, you silly, silly boy, I know you don't know what you're saying! Brakium Emendo!

*needless to say, Lockhart FAILS. Harry's arm is now all wiggly because there are no bones in it. Also, the Special Effects Department used up all their talent on blowing shit up at the Quidditch match. As a result, Harry's wiggly arm doesn't look remotely realistic*

Harry: I did not ask to be Transfigured into a jellyfish!

*later that night, in the hospital wing*

Dobby: You stupid sod, Dobby told Harry Potter not to come back! Wasn't it enough that Dobby stopped Harry Potter from getting onto the train and sent the Bludger from Hell after him?

Harry: You nearly got Ron and me expelled!

Audience: Ron and I, Harry, Ron and I.

Dobby: But then Harry Potter would be away from here! Hasn't Harry Potter realized that's what Dobby wants?

Harry: Yeah, should have figured that. Anyway, why shouldn't I be here?

Dobby: History is to repeat itself!

Harry: What. The. Hell.

*Before this ever so important plot point can be explained, Dobby conveniently disappears as the Named Teacher Brigade appears carrying one of Michaelangelo's finest statues*

Dumbledore: Another minor character's been attacked!

My Voice: Nooo! Raymond!

*It is, in fact, Colin Creevey. Cali can be heard weeping profusely over the attack of her little cousin's look-alike*

McGonagall: Oh, look. A camera. Do you think, perchance, we could cut this movie's running time and solve this mystery without Harry's help?

Dumbledore: Yes, but don't forget to speak loudly in case it doesn't work. He's in the bed over there, and we want him to get as much information as possible. *opens the camera. Oddly enough, it explodes*

McGonagall: What does this mean?

Dumbledore: It means that Polaroid sucks. Really, when you expose the film and it bursts into flame, that's not a good sign. Oh, yeah, and the Chamber of Secrets is open again!

*There is a pointless close-up of Harry's face before we head into a janitor's worst nightmare... the girls' bathroom on the second floor!*

Ron: The one time I get to go inside a girls' toilet, there's no one in here.

Hermione: Of course not, there's an annoying minor character living in here. No one likes Moaning Myrtle-- her voice is worse than the Mandrakes!

Harry: Who's Moaning Myrtle?

Moaning Myrtle: I AM! WOE IS ME, I'M ANTI-SOCIAL! HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM, WHEN ALL I DO IS SULK AROUND IN A GIRLS' TOILET AND WAIL? *she screams and disappears, breaking several mirrors and getting water all over everything*

Harry: *winces, gingerly takes his hands off his ears* God, I hope she doesn't turn out to be important later....

*As if that weren't aggravating enough, now it's time for the Dueling Club scene! This could potentially be really cool if A) The Monster of Slytherin followed basic wizarding etiquette, B) Any villain Harry ever faced followed basic wizarding etiquette, and C) It wasn't being taught by Lockhart*

Lockhart: Like, hi, guys! I got permission to start this, like, fabulous dueling club for all of you!

Audience: David Bowie called again. He's starting to get pretty pissed that you've been stealing from his closet. And why are you wearing a falcon hunting glove?

Lockhart: Duh! It's so I don't, like, break a nail while I'm battling my assistant!

Snape: *walks onto the stage, sulking because of his lack of billowing black cape*

*Lockhart prances around for a bit while Snape just glares, wand poised*

Snape: Oh, for Christ's sake, you can't vanquish the forces of evil by skipping around in pants stolen from Labyrinth! Expelliarmus! *He blasts Lockhart flat on his ass because, much as I don't like Snape, he's actually a competent wizard, unlike Lockhart*

Lockhart: Okay, that would have been, like, uberly fabulous, if I couldn't totally tell what you were going to do.

Snape: I can feel my IQ dropping. Get off the stage so we can once again establish the animosity between Malfoy and Potter.

Draco: I'm better than you, poopiehead!

Harry: Lizard lips!

Draco: Booger breath!

Harry: Greasy head!

Draco: *GASP* You'll pay for that one, Potter! Noncanonspellium!

*Harry goes flying through the air and lands on his feet by the power of being a protagonist*

Harry: Canonspellwithaneffectthat'snotcanoniendo!

*It's worth noting that these spells, though different, do the EXACT SAME THING. Draco, however, doesn't have the good guy advantage, and falls on his crotch. Again.*

Snape: You know, it's no wonder your father wants to disown you. *drags Draco up, and whispers in his ear* If you don't do something cool in the next five seconds and make Slytherin House look like decent wizards, I'm going to drag you down to my dungeon in the dead of night and--

Draco: *pales visibly* Okay, okay! Hey, Potter! Take a look at my giant snake!

Harry: Draco, we're only twel--HOLY SHIT!

*No, Draco isn't going to be taken in for indecent exposure-- a Huge Freaking Viper comes out the end of his wand and rounds on the kid with the bad hair and worse underbite standing behind Harry*

Justin Finch-Fletchley: *would scream if he could actually speak with teeth like that*

Harry: No. Stop. Don't.

Huge Freaking Viper: Oh, please? This kid's the ugliest thing ever to curse Hogwarts with its presence!

Harry: But you can't. He's not a Slytherin, so he's not expendable. Besides, the authoress likes that he's not afraid to look like something out of an 80's movie, even if it does look horrendous.

Huge Freaking Viper: Bloody Cali and her bloody 80's obsession....

*Everyone else hears a bunch of odd, disjointed syllables. For some reason, this is reason to freak out. Lockhart tries to get rid of it, but fails because he's Lockhart and that's all he does*

Snape: PETA be damned! *sets the Huge Freaking Viper on fire*

Ron: Harry! You're speaking in tongues! We must leave!

Harry: Tongues? What?

Hermione: If you keep on like this, people are going to shut you up in a padded cell!

Harry: Look, I still have no idea what you're talking about.

Hermione: YOU CAN TALK TO SNAKES, DUMBSHIT.

Ron: Now everyone's going to think you're the villain of the story!

Harry: Well, this sucks.

*Unfortunately for Harry, no one really bothers to deal with this at the moment. This is bound to bite him in the ass sooner or later. Now, suddenly, it's night time, and Harry's wandering around aimlessly. Suddenly, he trips over the lifeless body of the kid with the underbite! Oh noes! Oh, yeah, and Nearly Headless Nick's there, too, but this is less tragic because he hasn't shown up yet. Not that Underbite Boy is tragic, but, well, you know*

Harry: So, here I am in a dark corridor along with two Petrified bodies, one of whom everyone thinks I just tried to kill with a Huge Freaking Viper. Maybe I should leave or something... nah. *lingers around*

Filch: You really are thick, aren't you?

McGonagall: Come with me, Potter, you're going to.. THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE! *dramatic chord*

*Harry goes up the magic staircase, which is basically a spiral escalator (how mysterious!), to see the Sorting Hat chilling like it always does on its 364 days off*

Harry: Um... hi. I was wondering if you screwed up at my Sorting.

Sorting Hat: I screwed up?! You're the one who begged me not to put you in Slytherin where you belong! Now bugger off!

Harry: *whines* You're wrong!

Fawkes: *coughhackwheeze*

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Fawkes: *suddenly bursts into flame*

Harry: Aw, hell, this is going to be pinned on me, too. Today just isn't my day! *Dumbledore enters, and Harry enters Total Freakout Mode* I couldn't do anything! Your bird-- it just burst into flame! It's deceased! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! It has passed on and joined the choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!

Dumbledore: Actually, he's not quite dead.

Fawkes: *reemerges from the ashes as a cute little baby chicken thing* I feel happy! I feel happy!

Harry: *looks up at the authoress* You done?

My Voice: Yeah, I think so. *snicker*

Harry: Good. *grumbles* Three bloody Python references in a row....

My Voice: Hey, I've only made one Labyrinth reference so far and I've got to quote something!

Dumbledore: Fawkes is a phoenix, Harry. They're living, breathing plot devices... quite useful when entering inner sanctums of doom and destruction at the climax of a movie. You know, they can heal you, carry really heavy things, sense the best possible time to appear in the movie.... So, knowing that you've left the student population with bad hair and worse underbites alone, anything else you want to tell me that might be relevant to the plot?

Harry: Nope.

Dumbledore: Well, off you go, then!

Audience: What was the point of that, exactly?

*The world may never know... but it's Christmas time again, so no one cares!*

Hermione: Thanks to my brilliant work, the Polyjuice Potion is ready for action just as soon as the Special Effects team is ready! Now, you two, go attack Crabbe and Goyle with the power of my cleverness. *hands them spiked cupcakes*

Ron: What about you? You've never told us who you're turning into.

Hermione: Milicent Bulstrode. I somehow managed to take this off of her robes when the audience wasn't looking. *she holds up a bottle with a hair in it*

Harry: Um, Hermione, the length and texture of that hair don't look quite....

Hermione: Silence, you! I'm perfect, and I never make mistakes!

Crabbe and Goyle: *come out of the Great Hall*

Crabbe: Hey, look! Floating cupcakes!

Goyle: That's not suspicious at all!

*They shove the mysterious floating cupcakes into their mouths and immediately keel over. Good job, idiots!*

Harry: Well. That was easy.

*Cut to the Bathroom of Doom, where Hermione is finishing off the potion. After a bit of foreplay, they all drink the disgusting potion. Ron and Hermione can't handle the pain and run for the stalls*

Harry: Something is happening, I can't explain! Something inside me, a breathtaking pain devours, consumes me, and drives me INSAAAANE! Aaargh!

*To the melodious strains of Jekyll and Hyde, Harry's skin begins to bubble. It's REALLY GROSS.*

Audience: Ugh! Man, that's just every shade of wrong!

*Harry now looks exactly like Goyle, and, when Ron emerges from the stall, he looks like Crabbe*

Ron: Oh, no! Our voices haven't changed yet!

Harry: Yes they have, remember what we sounded like in the last movie?

Ron: No, I mean, they decided to spend money on making our actors do voiceovers instead of just letting Crabbe and Goyle say their own lines!

Harry: Huh. That's weird. Oh, well, let's go. Coming, Hermione?

Hermione: *sobbing* No!

Ron: All right, well, see you then! *as soon as they're out of her earshot* YES!

Harry: Sooo... any idea where we're going?

*They stare at each other, realizing that, despite what Hermione said, this was not the best plan. Fortunately, they are saved. Unfortunately, they are saved by Percy Weasley*

Percy: I have conquered the evil that was my hair in the last scene you saw me in! Its plans for world domination have been foiled! Mwahahaha!

Percy's Hair: Think again!

Ron: Why are you down here, anyway?

Percy: *holds himself up importantly* I am a prefect-- the next best thing to Jesus, in case you didn't know. No monster's going to attack me.

Draco: Any sensible monster would attack you, Weasley. It'd do the world a favor.

Percy: Respect your elders, Malfoy! *leaves*

Draco: Why are you wearing glasses?

Harry: Reading.

Draco: I didn't know you could read.

My Voice: Sorry, guys, I can't possibly top that line!

*Draco leads Harry/Goyle and Ron/Crabbe-- God, those sound like the creepiest slash pairings ever-- into the Slytherin dungeon. There are leather couches and chains everywhere, and bad 70's porn music is playing in the background*

Ron: Bloody hell, Snape definitely had a hand in this décor.

Draco: Of course he did, Crabbe. Have you forgotten what he came in to do to you last night?

*Harry and Ron stare, horrified, and thank the heavens that God had mercy on them and didn't put them in Slytherin*

Draco: Anyway, Weasleys suck, blah blah blah, you know, the stuff I'd say to that Ron kid if he were here. I don't like change much. I also don't like Dumbledore because he's trying to keep the fact that half the student body's been attacked quiet. He's a great big meaniehead and my daddy doesn't like him either!

Harry: Aren't I-- I mean, isn't Harry Potter worse?

Draco: *stands up and puts his hands on his hips* Thank God for top-control pantyhose!

*Well, what do you think when you see him do that pose?*

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Draco: What? They keep Snape from having his way with me. Hey, that sounds like what Potter sounds like when something odd happens. Odd coincidence, that. He's so clueless, he couldn't possibly be the Heir of Slytherin.

Ron: Aren't you?

Draco: No, you stupid shit, how many times do I have to say it? But last time the Chamber was opened, a Mudblood died. I hope it's Granger!

Ron, Harry, and Most of the Audience: So do we!

*Suddenly the potion begins to wear off after what has got to be the shortest hour ever. Still, gotta give those Special Effects Whores props-- the transformation is some pretty cool CGI!*

Special Effects Department: *bow*

Ron: Oh, crap. We've... er... got to go. I've got a stomachache. Right.

*They run back into the Janitor's Worst Nightmare*

Harry: Thank God. That music alone was the stuff of so many horrible fanfictions. *shudders*

Ron: Hey, Hermione! Come out! We've got loads to tell you even though we learned nothing of any real significance!

Hermione: Leave me alone!

Moaning Myrtle: Hehehehe! Someone else is in pain, and I'm a sadistic little bitch! Lookie, lookie!

*the stall Hermione's in opens to reveal... a neko! Oh, wait... it's just Hermione... as a neko!*

Neko!Hermione: It was a cat hair! I made a mistake! I'm not perfect anymore! How will I ever go on?

Ron: Hahaha, I love it when karma comes full circle!

*Another day, another corridor. Harry and Ron are enjoying a rare moment without Hermione whining when they come across a flood outside the Janitor's Worst Nightmare*

Harry: This must mean Myrtle flooded the bathroom again!

Ron: Or there's a leak in one of the toilets.

Harry: Please. That couldn't potentially be a plot point. Thus, my way is better! Onward!

Moaning Myrtle: YOU DARE STEP INTO MY CHAMBER OF DESPAIR AND SELF-LOATHING?! EVERYONE HATES MEEEEEEEEEEEE! THIS BOOK PROVES IT!

Tom Riddle's Diary: Can't you see how innocent I am?

Audience Who's Read The Book: Where have I seen this before? Oh, yeah. QUIRRELL!

Harry: Don't worry, I trust you completely, just like everything else I see.

Audience Who's Read The Book: *facepalm*

Ron: Sweet. Want to throw this plot point through the poster child for PMS again?

Harry: Hell no. I'm holding onto it, because it couldn't possibly be dangerous.

Audience Who's Read The Book: Would someone please explain why we've followed this twit for over ten years?

*Cali shows a quick montage of Sean Biggerstaff, the Phelps twins, Jason Isaacs, grown up Rupert Grint, Daniel Radcliffe, and Tom Felton, and, after a moment's hesistation and while looking very, very ill, Robert Pattison*

Guys in the Audience: Hey, what about us?

*Cali shows Helena Bonham Carter, Katie Leung, Evanna Lynch, and, after a moment's hesitation and while looking very, very ill, grown up Emma Watson*

Audience Who's Read The Book: Oh, yeah. That's why. *swoon*

*Now that that's sorted out, back to the story. Harry is in the Gryffindor common room, which is lit differently than usual. The effect is really creepy, so we know something big's going to go down*

Harry: Dear-- Diary-- Snape--was--rubbing--his nipples--at me-- during class--again. Starting--to--get--freaked-- out. Also, why--is Ginny--not in--this movie? I miss her--so--dreadfully--

Diary: Goddammit, I don't care about your pitiful teenage woes!

Audience: And goddammit, we can read. Why is he saying everything out loud?

Harry: Oh, hey! You're a sentient being! *brief pause* What the hell. I still trust you completely. My name is Harry Potter!

Diary: *snickers quietly and evilly* Yesssss... I mean... *coughs, then says in a falsely cheery voice* Hello, Harry Potter. My name is Tom Riddle.

Harry: Do you, perchance, know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?

Diary: Of course I do! Everything in the plot is related, after all. *opens to a page bearing a Big Glowing Hole of Doom* Is this too suspicious?

Harry: Of course not! *dives into Big Glowing Hole of Doom*

*After a massive LSD trip of glowy lights, we find ourselves in Hogwarts School of Sepia-Toned Witchcraft and Monochromatic Wizardry, fifty years ago*

Tom Riddle: *is smoking hot, even in sepia*

Harry: Hello, frighteningly attractive student in Slytherin robes who is not questionable in any way even though Slytherins are evil on principal. Where exactly are we?

Tom Riddle: ....

Audience: You're in two different color schemes, Harry, there's no way he can hear you!

Harry: Well, damn.

Guys with Stretcher: Make way! Unidentified corpse coming through!

Slightly Younger Dumbledore: Hello, Riddle.

Harry: Damn, if that's him fifty years ago, how old is he now?

Slightly Younger Dumbledore: You shouldn't be wandering around this late. Here there be monsters.

Tom Riddle: *thinking* No one's going to attack me, idiot, I'm the one behind it all! *out loud* They can't close Hogwarts, can they? It's my home!

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Book: Awww!

Slightly Younger Dumbledore: Sorry, we might have to. You haven't, perchance, killed anyone lately, have you?

Tom Riddle: Of course not! *watches Slightly Younger Dumbledore leave* Dammit, I hate making decisions! You know what? Screw it. I can be evil another time. No one cares for you a smidge when you're in an orphanage!

*As more Annie plays in the background, Riddle darts down to the dungeons*

Young Hagrid: *sounds exactly the same at age thirteen as he does at sixty-whatever* Who's a good wittle giant spider? You are! Yes you are! Yes you are!

Tom Riddle: Sorry, but I have to pin this on you. Monsters aren't good pets, you know. Of course, everyone knows you're going to forget that lesson, but moving on. I BLOW UP YOUR GIANT SPIDER!

Young Hagrid: Noooo! Aragog! My little darling!

*Harry is sucked backwards through the diary as he delivers the single most overly dramatic one-word line in the entire series*

Harry: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Audience: *check watches*

Harry: ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII....

Audience: *stifle yawns*

Harry: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Finally, he's done shouting and he's returned to Gryffindor tower in Hogwarts School of Colorful Witchcraft and Polychromatic Wizardry*

Harry: Woah, what a trip!

Ron: Um... what just happened?

Harry: Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago! He's the Heir of Slytherin! There are no flaws in this logic! None! Not the fact that he's a protagonist, or that he was in Gryffindor, or that the last time we jumped to conclusions we turned out to be dead wrong....

Audience: Wow. You're an idiot.

*The next day, the trio is walking through the courtyard*

Hermione: It can't possibly be Hagrid, not after the Snape episode last year!

Ron: Yeah, and we don't know this Riddle, either.

Harry: Stop pointing out flaws in my logic! Why don't we go ask Hagrid if he's a murderous raving lunatic?

Ron: Yes, that's a brilliant idea, Harry.

Hagrid: You wouldn't, perchance, be talking about me?

Harry: There are those crack rocks again.

Hagrid: IT'S FLESH EATING SLUG REPELLENT, I TELL YOU! All I'm here to say is be careful. You never know when something'll come to eat you whole.

Neville: Harry! I've come to break up the tense moment for one even worse! Come quick!

*They all run after the little cutie-- movie Neville is precious!-- to the Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory. Harry's spot looks like a cross between New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and my bedroom. Not a good thing.*

Hermione: It had to be a Gryffindor!

Ron: Really, none of us could ever have figured that out.

Hermione: I know, it's because I'm a genius.

Ron: You missed the sarcasm there, didn't you?

Harry: Odd. My atom bomb, my naked pictures of Ron's sister, and my flower print stationary are all here. What else could anybody want?

Ron: I don't kn-- wait, what was that second one?

Harry: Er, nothing. Hey! Somebody took the diary that is not at all suspicious!

*Ordinarily, we would find this upsetting, but not when there's a Quidditch match to be had!*

Voice: My, my, Harry, you certainly look sexy in those Quidditch robes.

Harry: *holds his hands over his ears* MAKE THE VOICES STOP!

Hermione: OMG! I just had an epiphany! See you guys later! *conveniently dashes off*

Ron: Brilliant! Another scene without her in it!

*on the Quidditch pitch, the opposing team appears to be wearing yellow instead of green for once*

Harry: Excellent! We're playing someone besides Slytherin! I was sick of ducking every time a Bludger went near Flint's face. You never know where those teeth are going to go.

McGonagall: Sorry, this match has been canceled due to a plot twist!

Ollie-poo: I am indignant! And adorable! You can't cancel Quidditch!

McGonagall: Shut up, idiot, your accent has no power over me.

Harry: NO MORE LABYRINTH!

My Voice: That one was unintentional, I swear.

Ollie-poo: B-b-b-but, this is my last scene in the entire series! I was cut from the next movie!

PoA Screenwriters: LOLZWTFBIRDS.

McGonagall: Come on, Potter. You need to see the plot twist that has just unfolded. *they leave the Quidditch pitch. We will not be graced with the awesomeness that is Quidditch until Half Blood Prince*

My Voice: Bye, Ollie-poo! *cries*

*McGonagall leads them up to Harry's second dormitory, also known as the hospital wing. Lying there is Michaelangelo's newest work....*

Harry and Ron: HERMIONE!

Hermione: *is Petrified!*

Ron: Yes! Finally! She's gone! She can't make me look like an idiot any more!

McGonagall: *glares*

Ron: Oh, sorry. Are we supposed to be sad about this?

McGonagall: She was found with a nameless Ravenclaw girl, but we won't bother showing her, thus making it look like Ravenclaw is completely safe.

My Voice: 'Cause we ROCK!

McGonagall: Oh, yeah, and does this mirror from her hand mean anything to you? As the heroes, you must be well-informed about the plot.

Harry: Sorry, nope.

McGonagall: Dammit. *leaves Harry and Ron to celebrate-- er, mourn Hermione's attack*

*Cut to the Gryffindor common room, which is back to its normal lighting. Everyone is looking sad*

McGonagall: In light of recent events, we're putting in place some new rules for Harry Potter and Ron Weasley to break. No being out past six, even though that's, like, painfully early, and you have to be with a teacher at all times between lessons. You are allowed no privacy. It looks like the school will be closed if the attacker isn't caught. Is that enough incentive for a certain hero to save the day?

Harry: Shall we sneak out of the castle tonight to see if Hagrid has any important plot points for us?

Ron: We shall.

*They do so, and once they're there, Hagrid opens up the door with a huge-ass crossbow in hand*

Harry: Jesus Christ, don't shoot! It's us. Geez.

Hagrid: ... right. I'm watching you.

Ron: Why exactly are you so paranoid tonight, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Nothing you need to worry about. It really was Flesh-Eating Slug Repellent.

*Suddenly, there's a knock on the door!*

Hagrid: OH, SHIT, IT'S THE PO-POS! Don't let them see you!

*Harry and Ron dive under the cloak, and Dumbledore and an ugly old man appear*

Ron: That's the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge!

Harry: I've never had that kind. Is it any good?

Fudge: The Heir of Slytherin's on the loose again. You were a Gryffindor, so clearly you're behind it.

Hagrid: What? I didn't do it, I swear!

Fudge: His record's against him. Raising monsters, pedophilia, drug trafficking....

Hagrid: It was Flesh-Eating Slug Repellent!

Fudge: It was crack cocaine and we all know it. We've got to take you to that place that won't be fully explained until the next movie. You know, as a precaution.

Dumbledore: You do know that this isn't going to help in the slightest, right?

Fudge: *whines* But I have to do something!

*Suddenly, there's another knock on the door. Luscious Mouthful enters... with a bow in his hair. Seriously, much as I love the man... wtf.*

Luscious Mouthful: I'm here to steal this scene, as I've already done with two others. I'm better than all of you and Hagrid's "house" sucks. Oh, by the way, Dumbledore, you suck, too. No one wants you here and I've come to take you away. Mwahahaha.

Fudge: B-b-b-but... no! That's the last thing we need!

Luscious Mouthful: Silence, you. I'm sexy, and therefore, more important.

Hagrid: YOU CAN'T! SOMEBODY'S GONNA DIE! YOU HAVE A BOW IN YOUR HAIR! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE WORTH LISTENING TO!

Dumbledore: Oh, shut up. I'll leave if you want me to.

Harry and Ron: *jaws drop*

Dumbledore: But first, let me offer sage but extremely vague advice to people who may or may not be present. I will never leave this school until everybody starts being great big meanie heads and don't like me any more.

Audience Who's Read the Books: Oh, that turned out to be important for book six! How sweet!

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Books: What?

Audience Who's Read the Books: Idiots.

Luscious Mouthful: ... right. Well, come along to places previously mentioned.

Hagrid: Wait! I have advice for people who may or may not be present, too! FOLLOW THE SPIDERS! Oh, and feed my damn dog!

*Luscious Mouthful, his pretty little bow, and the rest of the adults file out, after Luscious shows exactly where Draco got his eyebrows from. Once they're alone, they come out from the closet-- I mean, under the cloak*

Ron: Bloody hell, a little subtley goes a long way. He could have given us away, the idiot!

Harry: Um, that's not your line.

Ron: *deadpan* Oh, no. Dumbledore is gone. Whatever shall we do?

Harry: Better. Well, I'm glad you asked, Ron! Let's follow the spiders like Hagrid said and go into the Forbidden Forest where it's dark and scary!

Ron: Righto! Wait... I don't like spiders!

Harry: Too bad. Off we go!

My Voice: Don't worry, Ron, you're not alone. I honestly have no idea how to parody this scene, because I always skip it. *shudder*

Ron: Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?

Harry: Another line you couldn't help but keep in there?

My Voice: You know it!

*As they're walking*

Ron: Who are you talking to?

Harry: Can't you hear her?

Ron: Hear who?

Harry: Dammit, not another voice in my head!

My Voice: *cackles*

*They go farther and farther into the forest, with Ron jumping at small noises and Harry trying to act sane. Oh, yeah, and Fang somehow got there even though I didn't bother to mention it earlier. He's just drooling everywhere.*

Ron: Harry, I don't like this forest! It's dark and creepy! You don't think there's anything that might eat us in here, do you?

Harry: Of course. There's lions and tigers and bears.

*Suddenly, something starts moving in the trees!*

Ron: Oh my!

Harry: Okay, now that was not fun--

Ron: No, that was an "Oh my" as in-- "Oh my, Harry! It's our car!"

*And so it is. Except that it's a mess*

Harry: It's a wonder that thing can still drive. But as it can, maybe it'll help us later!

Ron: What do you mean later?

Harry: Right now, we have to face that thing. *points to the gigantic spider behind Ron*

Ron: *just about shits himself*

Aragog: Hi, I'm Aragog! How may I serve you today?

Harry: Have you ever killed anybody in a terrible place of death and destruction called the Chamber of Secrets?

Aragog: Nope, sorry. I was born far away and raised by Hagrid. Some chick was killed in a bathroom by a creature that we're conveniently too scared of to talk about, but that's all I know.

Harry: Well, that wasn't very helpful at all. Thank you, though, we'll just be going.

Aragog: Oh, stay for dinner!

Ron: We're not hungry.

Aragog: They are! *points up, where millions of spiders are now dropping on top of our heroes. Said heroes freak out immediately, the Authoress can be heard whimpering in arachnaphobic terror, and there is a long moment of chaos until the flying car appears*

Ford Anglia: Hey! You're scaring the Authoress! *runs over several spiders to save the day from turning into Eight Legged Freaks. This goes on for a while, while the Authoress and Ron can be heard squeaking in fear the whole time, until finally, the car flies over the spiders and they find themselves back at Hagrid's hut*

Fang: All right, that's it. That is the last time I'm going for a walk with you two! *bolts into the hut*

Harry: Well, now we're back to where we started. This sucks. Hagrid was innocent the whole time! Who would have guessed!

Audience: Good God, you're stupid.

My Voice: And now, something that I can actually parody without freaking out. *shudders* Spiders...

*We're in the hospital wing. Hermione is still Petrified*

Harry: Dammit, Hermione, you may have been the most irritating bitch ever to curse the world with your presence, but we need your brain! I've just realized that we're useless by ourselves! *actually manages to notice something for once* Oh, look. It's a convenient piece of paper. Perhaps it will be useful in helping me think of something.

Hermione's Note: Dear Harry and Ron, if you're reading this now, the directors stopped me from having any screentime for the rest of the movie. You can be sure that I will have a word with them about this, but in the meantime, I've still found a way to act as your brain because God knows you don't have one of your own. It's a basilisk, which, conveniently, fits the description of every odd plot twist we've come across so far. Spiders, Petrification, looks that really CAN kill, Harry hearing it talk, all of it. Now, I think it's about time for the climax to start, so I'll leave you to it. Please try not to die. Love always, Hermione.

Harry: That's what I can hear hitting on me at random moments! It's a snake crawling around in the plumbing!

Ron: Goddamn, how big are the pipes in this school? And how can no one be dead if it kills by looking at people?

Harry: I don't... Wait! I just had an epiphany! Hermione had a mirror, Colin was stupid and wanted a picture of the cute evil giant snake, the kid with the bad 80's hair either scared it away with his underbite or saw it through Nearly Headless Nick, who's already dead, and Mrs. Norris saw its reflection in the water on the floor! Haha! Say what you will, Hermione, but I am capable of being intelligent once in a while!

Audience: Wish it happened more often.

Harry: And another thing! The girl died in a bathroom!

Ron: Moaning Myrtle!

Audience: How did you ever make that connection?

Ron: Wow, Harry, you sure are smart today! How do we get into the Chamber of Secrets to go save the day?

Harry: Sorry, I've exhausted my brainpower for the day. Let's go ask the Named Teacher Brigade!

McGonagall's Voice: This school has a PA system no one's been aware of. Everybody get up to their common rooms except the teachers! You're needed at the wall that's been covered in ketchup!

Harry: Let's go, Ron, heroes totally count as teachers.

*They go, and, true to McGonagall's word, there is more ketchup on the wall*

Message: Haha, I win! Harry Potter will never retrieve his future love interest now!

McGonagall: This is horrible! This is unbelievable! THE END IS NIGH!!!

Lockhart: Like, I am soooo sorry. I was, like, getting a mani-pedi from the suit of armor on the third floor, and I totally could not have come with my nails wet....

Snape: You know what? You're so annoying, let's throw you to the wolves. Go be the hero, Lockhart! We all know you know where it is.

Lockhart: ... wait, what? Oh, yeah, like, of course! I'll go, like, get ready then! *leaves*

Sprout: Out of curiosity, who is Harry Potter's future love interest?

McGonagall: Ginny Weasley.

Harry and Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *sink to the ground in tears*

Harry: You can take an evil kitty. You can take a kid with a horrific underbite of death. You can even take my obligitory female friend because no one really likes her anyway, but try to kill my future love interest, and that's going TOO FAR! Come on, Ron! We've got a climax to be in!

*They march up to Lockhart's office to retrieve the bait for the basilisk*

Harry: Hey, Professor Useless! We have important information for you--

Lockhart: Sorry, I'm like, not good at this sort of thing. This is sooo unfabulous.... *keeps packing his things-- miniskirts, curlers, pedicure sets, posters of Zac Efron, the occasional elephant....*

Ron: Where exactly are you going?

Lockhart: Like, it's sooo not important. All I know is that I, like, can't stay around here when there's kids about to be, like eaten! Nobody told me there'd, like, be monsters around!

Harry: But what about all the stuff in your books?

Lockhart: Yeah, like, about that, I didn't do any of it. I'm, like, a fraud, just because the people who, like, did do it all were, like, totally not fabulous. You know, they all, like, wore white after Labor Day, and, seriously, who does that?

Ron: I'm really not sure why we're surprised you're useless, but I am! Fear my shocked face! Is there anything you are good at?

Lockhart: Like, yeah! I can, like, totally make you lose your minds and not remember anything. Isn't that, like, super fabulous? *lifts his wand*

Harry: Oh, no, you don't, I'm a hero. You can't hurt me! Now, come with us. You're expendable, and we're going to put you to good use.

*They march down to the Janitor's Worst Nightmare*

Harry: Hey, Myrtle! Out of morbid curiosity, how did you die?

Ron: Harry, you know how sensitive she is, this might not be the best--

Moaning Myrtle: Ooh, it was awful! *squee* I heard a boy hissing, and then some big eyes appeared and I died. So, basically, all the stuff you already know, except that it happened RIGHT. OVER. THERE. *points to a sink with snakes carved all over it*

Harry: This is it, Ron! This is the title of the movie! *takes a deep breath* Asddsafkjdfsaeoirpoerwksaf....

Audience: Okay, this is so not what Parseltongue sounds like. That is not hissing!

*Still, it does the trick, and the sink takes ten minutes to open up into a deep, dark hole of death*

Lockhart: That was like, sooo fabulous, Harry! Can I leave now?

Ron: Nope. *shoves him down the deep, dark hole of death*

Lockhart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! *he lands with a loud THUD* Oh, God, I think I broke a nail.... *sob*

Moaning Myrtle: Harry... my actress is only, like, forty. Maybe if you die, we can get married and have little ghost babies and....

Harry: Um, ew. Well, time to save the school again! GERONIMO! *jumps down the deep, dark hole of death*

Ron: Um... another Indian name... POCAHONTAS! *jumps after him*

Harry: There's bones everywhere! This is certainly ominous. Every other evil sanctum I've ever entered has been all bunnies and butterflies.

Ron: What the hell?

Harry: The cave was called Caerbanogg....

*Lockhart distracts Harry from reminiscing about killer rabbits by passing out*

Ron: Wow. He really does suck.

Lockhart: *leaps up and steals Ron's wand. I repeat, he steals RON'S BROKEN WAND* AHA! Fooled you! I'm like, totally going to take all the glory for this and you're, like, going to be insane! Obliviate!

David Bowie: *stalks out from behind a wall* Not so fast. I am sick and tired of going into my walk-in closet and finding my trousers missing. For your heinous crimes, I will not let you win!

*By the same magical powers that kept him looking like he's thirty from the end of his Ziggy Stardust days until his coronary five years ago, Bowie knocks Lockhart's spell from Harry's direction to his own. Unfortunately, the ensuing blast knocks down a bunch of rocks that separate Harry from the other two, but that's the price to be paid for awesomeness*

Harry and Ron: Wicked!

David Bowie: Quite. Now, Harry, you have heroic acts to commit. I vanish! *vanishes*

My Voice: Does this mean I can have the revival tour I've been wishing for?

David Bowie: NO!

Harry: RON! ARE YOU OKAY?!

Ron: WHY ARE YOU YELLING? Lockhart got hit by his own spell, and now he doesn't know who he is!

Lockhart: Look at the purdy stars....

Harry: Apparently, this is this movie's excuse for me to fight the main villain by myself. I'll be back, sweet Ronald! Don't forget about me! *he sets off into the Inner Sanctum of Doom for this movie, which is filled with millions of snake statues and a really old ugly guy with the biggest beard ever* Okay, I get that it's the Heir of Slytherin and Slytherin is all about snakes, but there's such a thing as overkill. GINNY!

Ginny: ....

Harry: Ginny, please, you can't be dead, I haven't gotten to second base with you yet!

Tom Riddle: But I have! *steps out of the shadows* She's not dead, by the way.

Harry: Tom, old buddy, old pal! Help me get her out! You can't possibly be suspicious even though you've been here for God knows how long, you were in Slytherin, and you're looking at me like you want to devour me whole!

Tom Riddle: I don't want to devour you, idiot, I'm already devouring her! The weaker she grows, the stronger I grow, and soon, I won't be a memory anymore! I'll be whole! By the way, Ginny did all the bad stuff that's been freaking everybody out. You know, writing in ketchup on the wall, setting the basilisk on everybody. It's so good to be able to hypnotize good guys into doing your bidding.

Harry: Good guys? But then, you must be....

Tom Riddle: I AM THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN!

Harry: NOOOOOO!!!!!! But why, Tom, why? Why did you frame my friends and try and kill people?

Tom Riddle: How did you defeat Voldemort, the greatest wizard ever to live?

Harry: I asked you first!

Tom Riddle: Fine, then. *spells his name in the air in large, burny letters of death*

Harry: Dude, you have the worst handwriting ever.

Tom Riddle: Shut up! We're going to play a little game of anagrams now, Potter. Take the letters of Tom Marvolo Riddle and rearrange them. What do you get?

Harry: Melt Old Road Roim? Dim Vole Road Rot Mel?

Tom Riddle: No, you idiot! I Am Lord Voldemort! Because I am! Mwahahaha!

Harry: NO WAY!

Girls in the Audience: Damn, Voldemort was hot when he was young!

Tom Riddle: What makes you think someone attractive who isn't a redhead could ever be good in this series? I grew up to be the greatest sorcerer in the world!

Harry: Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer in the world!

Jafar: *appears out of nowhere* I am the greatest sorcerer IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD! *disappears*

Harry: Well, that was odd.

Tom Riddle: Quite. Now, where were we...? Ah, yes! Dumbledore's gone now! I win!

Fawkes: Not if I have anything to say about it! Look, I'm pretty now! What Not To Wear told me that the half-plucked chicken look was sooo five minutes ago! And I brought a present!

Sorting Hat: Wassup?

Tom Riddle: HA! Your weapons are laaaame! Check it out, I've got a Basilisk, level 75! *makes the weird noises that are most definitely NOT Parseltongue*

*The whole place starts shaking like San Francisco at the World Series and Godzilla slithers out. Apparently, its legs have been cut off, but it's most certainly Godzilla*

Audience: WTF? What the hell kind of snake is that?

Tom Riddle: A severely sex deprived and hungry one! Mwahahahaha!

Harry: Well, there's nothing else for it. RUN AWAY! *he does so, flailing his arms like an idiot* Dammit, I forgot I need a broom to fly....

Godzilla: Come here, you sexy little chunk of manmeat!

Fawkes: Not on my watch! See if you can have dirty fantasies about a boy you can't see! I SMITE THEE! *eats Godzilla's eyes. You'd think this would involve a lot more blood, but I suppose this is a kid's movie*

Tom Riddle: You may have been saved from the basilisk's sexual promiscuity, but it's still hungry and it can still hear, smell, or use some other sense on you! After him!

Godzilla: FOOOOD!!!

Harry: *runs for a pipe blocked by bars instead of the clear one across the way. It's not until the basilisk turns to face him and blocks his way towards the escape route that he realizes this was not the best plan. So what does he do? Throws a rock past the thing*

Godzilla: Odd. His footsteps sound just like a rock hitting the floor. Hmm. *goes after the rock*

Harry: *flail-runs back towards the main chamber* Ginny! I've come to rescue you!

Tom Riddle: You're *coughalmostcough* too late! As soon as I finish this movie's monologue of all that makes me evil, Ginny will be dead and I will return! VERY. MUCH. ALIVE! *pause* Too much?

Audience: Oh, yeah. Waaay too much.

Godzilla: *pops up from one of the sewer grates* SURPRISE! Did I give all the little kids in the audience nightmares with my totally unexpected appearance?

Little Kids in the Audience: *sob*

Sorting Hat: Hey, Harry! I have a present for you! Have a pointy sword Dumbledore bought for ten bucks at Party City!

Harry: Wow, and it's not even my birthday! *picks up the extremely cheap and flimsy sword and holds it high in front of Godzilla* FOR NARNIA!!!!

*He shoves the sword into Godzilla's brain. Once again, there isn't nearly as much blood as there should be, but after much thrashing, Godzilla finally dies. Somehow, one of Godzilla's fangs gets embedded into Harry's arm*

Tom Riddle: Haha! I have defeated you at last, Harry Potter! For the basilisk's venom is so powerful that you will die as soon as I finish talking about it!

Audience: How does this translate into you beating him if the basilisk is what's going to kill him?

Tom Riddle: Silence, all of you! Let me enjoy my victory! Blah blah blah I beat you blah you're going to die in a minute blah blah your mom sucked blah the diary is still evil.

Harry: Oh yeah, the diary! Well, if I die down here, at least I can say I did something productive! *grabs the book and lifts the basilisk's fang into it* DIE, FOOL!

Tom Riddle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *explodes into lots of light. All the fangirls in the audience burst into tears*

Ginny: *wakes up* Harry! I have to repeat everything you know already! Wait! You're bleeding! Nooo, we haven't gotten to snog yet!

Fawkes: *bursts into tears on Harry's arm*

Harry: It's okay. I'm going to a better place.

Fawkes: I'm healing you, dumbshit. Look!

Harry: *notices that he's no longer bleeding profusely or about to black out. The choir of angels have stopped singing and the light he was going towards has vanished* Wow! Don't worry, Ginny, the climax is over, and it's all going to be A-okay! It's just a memory!

Audience: And the award for cheesiest line in the entire series goes to....

My Voice: You think that's bad, wait until the ending.

*Suddenly, we're flying back up the tunnel, everybody's hanging onto each other and Fawkes, and Lockhart's still an idiot. The audience bursts into tears of joy that the movie finally kept something from the books completely in tact. It's the only time in the series this will ever happen, after all. Now, we're back to Dumbledore's office*

Dumbledore: Even though you broke basically every rule this school's ever had, you're Gryffindors, so we can't possibly expel you! TEN BILLION POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR AND MAGICAL AWARDS OF HAPPINESS AND JOY!!!

Ron: Brilliant!

Dumbledore: Go away, Ron, I have to explain the entire movie to Harry. Maybe you could go and get Hagrid released.

Ron: Yes! I get to do something productive for once! See you, Harry!

Harry: Oh, Dumbledore, I'm so scared! Tom Riddle and I are alike! What if I turn into an evil sadistic bastard, too?

Dumbledore: Oh, don't worry, Harry, it's just because you kicked his ass when you were a baby. You can use those powers for good, Harry!

Harry: So I should be in Slytherin?

Dumbledore: Of course not, you're a hero. You're meant to be in the House of Blatant Favoritism! Also... let's see, something wise that really doesn't make any sense... something about choices! Oh, yeah, and this might help prove my point, too.

*Shows that the sword is engraved with the name Godric Gryffindor*

Harry: What's that supposed to mean?

Dumbledore: Party City was having a sale on personalized party items. I saw the red and I thought I should totally get one and name it after the founder of everyone's favorite House! But if you want to think it has some big, deep meaning, I'm not going to stop you.

*Suddenly, Luscious Mouthful swishes in, dragging Elmo's creepy ugly half-brother*

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Luscious Mouthful: By the power of my shiny hair, I demand to know why you're back, Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: I talked to the other governers and they said you suck. So they let me come back.

Luscious Mouthful: I do not suck! I'm gorgeous! All I care about is my hair-- I mean, the students! So, who's the one who's been trying to kill all those filthy little Mudbloods-- I mean, sweet, innocent, little students?

Dumbledore: Voldemort, of course, who else is capable of attacking a main character?

Luscious Mouthful: *eye twitches, but no one is sure whether it's because Dumbledore said the name or because he wishes he were evil*

Dobby: The diary! Hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more!

Dumbledore: You didn't, by any chance, give Ginny the diary, did you? Because you might have to be punished.

Luscious Mouthful: Grrr. I am displeased. *tosses his hair* Come on, Elmo's evil ugly half-brother, these people aren't worth talking to. *punts Dobby down the stairs*

Random Football Announcer: Field goal!

Harry: *finally picks up on Dobby's hint* I know you said students should never touch Voldemort's old school supplies ever again, but could I have that!

Dumbledore: Well, sure thing!

Audience: Way to enforce your own rules, Dumbledore.

Harry: *takes the diary and follows Luscious Mouthful out* Mr. Mouthful-- I mean, Malfoy! Take this diary and you can have more screentime! *shoves the diary into Harry's hand*

Luscious Mouthful: The hell? I don't want this grimy old thing! It'll ruin my perfectly exfoliated hands! *tosses it into Dobby's un-exfoliated hands*

Harry: Open it, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more say no more!

Dobby: *opens it to reveal a sock, which he holds up like it's the freaking Declaration of Independence* Master has set Dobby free! Master isn't a complete asshole!

Harry: Oh, look, where ever could my right sock have gotten to?

Luscious Mouthful: YOU'VE LOST ME MY SERVANT, BOY! AVADAAAA...

Harry: You're really going to kill me with an Unforgivable curse that half the audience doesn't know about yet right outside Dumbledore's office?

Luscious Mouthful: Oh, yeah, maybe this wasn't good planning....

Audience: If it's any consolation, it didn't really sound like a Killing Curse. It kind of sounded like you were hacking up a hairball.

Dobby: You will not harm Harry Potter, bitch! *blasts Luscious Mouthful backwards with something that may be the Force*

Luscious Mouthful: I'll get you, my pretty, and your little house-elf, too! *tosses his hair and swishes out*

Harry: *glances up at the ceiling* Didn't you use the same reference last parody?

My Voice: Hey, it works here, too!

Dobby: Oh, Harry Potter, Dobby loves you so! Now that Dobby no longer needs to wash Master's hair five times a day and once after meals, Dobby can finally tell you!

Harry: Um... sorry, I don't swing that way. Maybe we can catch a movie or something some time, but for now....

Dobby: Anything Harry Potter says! *disappears*

*Off to the End-of-Year feast! Everyone who's been Petrified is now A-okay, except for Hermione, who doesn't seem to be there yet. Filch is whispering sweet nothings into Mrs. Norris's ear, and suddenly, the doors open and Hermione rushes into Harry's arms*

Harry/Hermione Shippers in the Audience: *squee*

Hermione: I can't believe you saved the day all by yourself!

Harry: I didn't really, your note saved our asses. You know I don't really have a brain.

Hermione: Oh, right. Forgot that part. *goes over to Ron, but can't bring herself to hug him* Ew.

Ron: Right back at you.

Dumbledore: Everybody shut up! Okay, first of all, grovel over the awesomeness that is Professor Sprout and Madame Pomfrey for saving the asses of the Authoress's little cousin, that Hufflepuff kid with the bad hair and worse underbite, and the obnoxious, stuck-up little bitch Cali can't stand!

Students: *clap*

Dumbledore: Also, we're moving you to the next grade on the honor system! No exams!

Hermione: What? I can't show off that I know everything despite being turned to stone for the majority of the year? No! I think I feel the room is spinning!

*Suddenly, the doors burst melodramatically open. Every head turns in perfect, choreographed unison to see... Hagrid!*

Hagrid: I tried to come on time, honest. I blame Ron. His owl's a piece of crap. But thanks, guys.

Harry: We love you, Hagrid!

*Apparently, everyone else does, too, because EVERYONE. STARTS. CLAPPING. Seriously. WTF. Who thought this was a good ending, honestly, because it's really, really not. Only Draco manages to keep his dignity. Good on you, Draco. Good on you*