Draco Malfoy Presents

Draco Malfoy woke up exhausted. He had gotten to bed much later than usual the night before. If you asked Draco why that was the case, I am sure he would tell you to "sod off". Luckily for the dear reader, Draco is not the narrator of this particular tale. Also luckily, I have no qualms about telling the Slytherin's nasty little secret.

Draco Malfoy is addicted to Muggle television.

Now, you might be asking yourself "why in the world does the Malfoy family have a Muggle television?" That is awfully astute of you!

According to the Convenient Plot Device, Professor Dumbledore, in all his infinite wisdom, decided at the end of Draco's first year that Muggle Studies would be an excellent addition to the junior Death Eater's schedule. An attempt to quell the ever-increasing hatred towards Muggle-born witches and wizards, if you will.

Stupid Dumbledore.

At first, the Malfoys had bucked against the idea. How dare Dumbledore force his ideologies on Draco! But then, Lucius Malfoy, in all his infinite evilness, capitulated. Malfoy senior decided that perhaps studying Muggles might make it easier for his son to understand exactly how piteous the race actually was. Why hadn't he thought of that earlier?

So, the Malfoys obtained a television set. And digital cable. They hadto have cable. Otherwise, they would only have three channels. And that would just be plebian, now wouldn't it?

Now, Draco is addicted to television. Correction, he is addicted to Nick at Night. To narrow the field a bit more, Draco is obsessed with The Brady Bunch. Yes, that is right: The Brady Bunch, that feel good family sitcom of the 70s.

Draco had mistakenly tuned into Nickelodeon during one of their infamous Brady Marathons and had found himself stuck in front of the TV for twelve straight hours. Sleep evaded him as his desire to watch the perpetually giddy family work through their issues in just under thirty minutes. Draco found it remarkable. Oh, how easy life for the Brady brood was!

Draco cracked his eyelids warily, taking in his surroundings. His room. Good sign. And the sun. Instantly, a song invaded dear Draco's mind.

I think I'll go for a walk outside now.
The summer sun's callin' my name (I hear ya now)...

Draco shook his head in an attempt to dispel the song. He recognized it at once as The Brady Kids' "Sunshine Day". They had sung it in a talent competition in the last episode of the Marathon.

I just can't stay inside all day,
I gotta get out, get me some of those rays

"No," Draco decreed to his subconscious. "I will not be a slave to The Brady Kids. I simply refuse."

Unfortunately for our bed-head hero, his subconscious was too busy singing to give a hoot about his decree.

Everybody's smilin'!
Sunshine da-ay!

A knock at the door turned his attention. He was grateful for the distraction, as the song seemed to be gone.

"Dray-co!" Narcissa Malfoy's tinkling voice sing-songed through the closed door. "Rise and shine! Today, we shop."

"I'm rising," Draco called, swinging his legs over the side of his bed. "I'm just not so sure about that shining bit."

"Oh, Draco," Narcissa chuckled. "We are leaving for Flourish & Blotts in thirty minutes."

Draco yanked opened his wardrobe and selected a black crew neck sweater and black slacks. If he was going out, he might as well look good. As per usual.

Everybody's laughin'!
Sunshine da-ay!"

With a growl, Draco slammed the wardrobe shut. Damn those cheerful Bradys! Damn them to hell!

Everybody seems so happy today,
It's a sunshine day!

**

One hour later, Draco was standing on the second story of Flourish & Blotts book shop, staring down at the crowd clamoring for an autograph from Gilderoy Lockhart, Git Extraordinaire.

Draco snorted gracefully and shook his head. The crowd reminded him of the Davy Jones Episode. All those silly girls at Marcia's prom! And Lockhart was surely Davy Jones himself. All that pomp and circumstance for some shrimp of a man.

Draco's eyes scanned the crowd. If Lockhart was Jones, then who was Marcia? Who, who, who? His cold gray eyes locked on a familiar figure. Oh, too perfect! A hysterical giggle welled up inside of Draco.

"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" he muttered in a falsetto voice as he watched Harry Potter, aka Marcia, be photographed with Lockhart/Jones.

I think I'll go for a walk outside now
The summer sun knows me by name (He's callin' me)

"Gah!" the frustrated boy whirled around, gripping his head in his hands. "What do I have to do to get this God forsaken song to cease?"

Frantically, he looked around for any sign of assistance. His eyes lit upon a banner blinking at him from just ahead of him. Muggle Studies. He was standing in front of the Muggle Studies section! Oh, thank you, Convenient Plot Device!

Draco's long fingers passed lightly over the spines of the books on the shelves until he found one entitled Muggle Television and the Wizards Who Love It. He snatched the book from the shelf and opened it to a random chapter where he read:

"In 1974, Roderick the Really Ridiculous became transfixed by the hit show "The Partridge Family". For months, Roderick's family suffered through complete recitations of the skits and endless singing of songs. He demanded that his associates call him "Danny" and he charmed his hair red... "

Draco screwed his mouth into an incredulous scowl and slammed the book shut. He was not that daft!! Not yet, anyway. He would be soon if this song persisted.

I gotta get out, gotta get away
I gotta get away, get away, get away, get awaaaaaay
Into the sunshine day

Muggles and their god damn music! Draco grabbed another book entitled The Day the Music (Finally) Died: Evil Muggle Songs and How to Rid Them From Your Life. That sounded promising. Draco heard the much-despised voice of Potter and the Weasleys rapidly approaching as he perused the index.

Can't you dig the sunshine (daaaaaay)
Now, its all but the same

Ah! There it was! The answer to his prayers... Page 193. Hideous songs, banishment of.

Draco looked up and saw the Holy Trinity and their cast of Weasleys at the foot of the stairs. There was no way that he wanted to be caught dead--much less alive in the Muggle Studies section! Think of the damage to his reputation!

Hurriedly, Draco found page 193, that page of pages, that salvation amongst salvations! With a quick glance around the shop, he ripped out page 193 and shoved it into the pocket of his cloak.

Can't you hear him callin' your name?

Oh, cruel muse! Leave me be!

Desperate to silence the toneless singing in his head, Draco decided that a bit of mean-spirited sparring with his favorite Scarhead was just what he needed. Schooling his features into the trademark Malfoy SneerTM, Draco gracefully descended the stairs to meet his archenemy.

"Famous Harry Potter," he spat by way of greeting. "Can't even go to a bookshop without making the front page!"

Ah-ha! No insidious singing! Blissful silence. Yet another reason that senseless, petty fighting is a good thing!

"Leave him alone," a mousy voice came from the region of Draco's elbow. Draco glanced down at the grimy girl before him.

Egads! It is Cindy Brady! Well, excepting that this girl had red hair. And no pig tails. But other than that--she was a dead ringer!

"Got yourself a girlfriend, Potter?" Draco grinned maliciously. This was actually working! No bloody sunshiney singing! No Brady references--unless you count that Cindy Brady thing. But he was patently not.

Suddenly, Draco felt a familiar shape against his shoulder: his father's walking stick. Or, as Draco called it "The Pimp Cane". His father was one bad ass mother--shut your mouth!

Draco's sneer became an absolute snarl. Where had that come from? He could only deal with onebad 70s song at a time! When did Shaftbecome part of the problem? What had happened to The Brady Kids?

Ohhh, I think I'll take a walk everyday now,
The summer sun has shown the way to be happy now!

Ah--there it is.

"Now, Draco," Lucius Malfoy practically purred, using The Pimp Cane to push his only son and heir out of his path. "Play nicely."

Draco rolled his eyes and slunk to the side as his father exchanged unpleasantries with The Boy Who Was Extremely Dirty Now That Draco Really Looked At Him.

I just can't stay inside all day,
I gotta get out and get me some of those ra-ays!

Draco fingered the page crumpled in his cloak pocket. He would willingly give up all future viewings of The Brady Bunch if he could just make it home and get this bloody song to cease and desist! Hell, if his Page 193 Spell worked, he would never watch TV again!

Wait.

That was a bit hasty.

He would not give up television entirely. He would just cancel the cable. No... wait. Plebian, remember? Okay, fine. FINE. He would go to just basiccable service. Um. Expandedbasic. Yes. That was good. Okay, Lucifer, there is your deal!

Everybody's smilin'
Sunshine Day!

Draco could hear nothing but Peter Brady crooning in that impossibly cracky voice. But he did notice that his father was looking to him for - unless he missed his guess--confirmation.

Draco thought it wise to simply nod and scowl ferociously. After all, that was the Malfoy Motto: "When in doubt, scowl." He fixed this particularly foul scowl on the newly arrived Granger.

Look at that. She got a new hair-do. Ringlets. How very Jan of her!

Everybody seems so happy todayyyy,
It's a sunshine day

Cue Weasley Senior. Who do we have here? Mr. Brady, I presume. Always ready with some words of wisdom and comfort? Draco stifled a laugh. Surely Mr. Brady would have had more sense than to leave his house in that hat!

Although Mr. Brady did have a penchant for wearing polyester suits.

Can't you dig the sunshine?

"Come Draco," Lucius' voice broke through Draco's delusions. He saw his father stalking off in a great swirl of cloaks. For real, his father was a bad ass!

"See you at school," Draco told the trio with a waggle of his eyebrows. Let them make of that what they will!

Draco caught up with his father just as the tall blond bad ass was exiting the store. He was still absorbed in the addictive melody with the funky back beat when Lucius grabbed him by the collar and pushed him against a nearby stone wall.

"What was that about?" Lucius hissed, shaking his son mercilessly.

"What?" Draco searched his memory for some offense. He had snarled, scowled and swirled where appropriate, hadn't he?

"Do not ever mock me, boy!" Lucius growled, his long fingers biting into Draco's slender arms.

"Mock you, sir?" Draco looked at his much-revered father in confusion. "I would never mock you."

"'I'll see you in school'," Lucius imitated his son's higher pitched lisp. "What do you call that?"

"I was going for 'really snarky farewell'," Draco told him honestly.

Can't you hear him callin' your naaaaame?

Oh, bugger off, Peter!Draco thought angrily. I need to concentrate!

"It was snarky, Draco," Lucius slammed Draco against the wall once, twice. "When I told Weasley 'see you at work'."

Oh. Draco saw his father's point straight away. Mimicry. Not good. That damn song. Had he not been far away in Brady Land, he would have heard his father's parting remark and would have tailor made his to fit the occasion. Damn.

"I am well and truly sorry, Father," Draco told his father solemnly. "I will do better next time."

Suddenly, Lucius released his son and without further commentary, disappeared into the crowd of Diagon Alley.

I think I'll go for a walk outside now
The summer sun's callin' my name
I just can't stay inside all day
I gotta get out and get me some of those ra-ays!

Draco sighed and rubbed his arms. That was close. His father was not normally so forgiving. There was absolutely no mistaking Lucius Malfoy for Mike Brady. No way, no how.

Was there an evil character on The Brady Bunch? No, Draco could not think of one instance of a Bad Guy, let alone a Bad Ass on the sacchriney sweet show.

Everybody's smilin'
Sunshine Da-ay!
Everybody seems so happy today
It's a Sunshine Day!

He had to get home so he could work the Page 193 Spell. It was his only chance. His very livelihood might very well depend on its success.

**

Three hours later, Draco Malfoy fell exhausted into his bed. The Page 193 Spell had worked perfectly. He was no longer hearing--well, you know, that song.

It had been a harrowing experience to say the least. One that had cured him forever of his Brady Bunch addiction.

Draco glanced at the clock on his bedside table. 4:00. Just in time for Shaft.

~~

THE sunshiney END