Wand Wars - The Wizard Menace

 

Wand Wars - The Wizard Menace

 

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a person from the Trade Federation named Lee Jordan Gunray decided to put a blockade on the small, unimportant, and militarily insignificant planet of Naboo, ruled by the newly elected Queen Granger.   To solve the problem, the Supremely Ineffective Senate sent two representatives to solve the blockade, Jedi Master Harry Jinn and his Padawan apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who was apprenticed to Harry despite the fact that Ewan McGreggor could probably be Potter's father... or at least his much-older brother.  Anyway... onward.  Potter and Kenobi are on the Trade Federation ship thing, sitting around waiting for Lee to show up.

 

Harry: *whines, a la Luke Skywalker* I'm bored.

 

Just as Obi-Wan is about to smack Harry for being annoying, the scene shifts to where Lee is talking to some other guy who looks just like him and that you can't actually tell apart from Lee in the first place.

 

Lee 1:  So who are those people again?

 

Lee 2:  Representatives of the Senate.

 

Lee 1:  What are they here for?

 

Lee 2:  To break up the blockade.

 

Lee 1:  WHAT!  How dare they try to steal my toys? *evil glare in the vague direction of Harry and Obi-Wan*   Kill them.

 

Lee 2:  But they're Jedi!

 

Lee 1:  So?

 

Lee 2 shrugs and does something to fill the room Harry and Obi-Wan are sitting in with smoky green air that does nothing more than make Harry cough a lot, but everyone pretends it is horribly poisonous, for some obscure reason.

 

Harry:  No!  No!   I'm dying!  NOOOOOO!

 

Obi-Wan: *staggers around the room*   Not the green air!  Not the green air!  Anything but the green air!

 

Harry and Obi-Wan dramatically act out their deaths, while the droids sent to kill them (yeah, I know, the green air was supposed to kill them, but who knows how a Nemoidian's mind works) applaud loudly.   While they wait for the green air to go away, Harry and Obi-Wan sneak out and get on a little ship that was inside of the big ship.   The little ship flies them very conveniently down to Naboo, but on the way, they get separated.  Anyway, at this point, the scene changes to the Theed Palace, where we meet Queen Granger.  She is sitting around talking to lots of old people, one of whom is Santa Claus working his day job.

 

Granger:  We can't go to war!

 

Santa Claus:  We may have no choice, your Highness!

 

Granger:  Yeah, well what do you know?   You spend your nights making toys, for crying out loud!

 

Back to Potter and Kenobi.   Harry is running wildly through the forest, trying to avoid a machine that is probably about the size of a Hot Wheels car, plus a bunch of little flying things that zap him occasionally.   Suddenly, a strange alien creature speaking in an almost indecipherable accent comes into view, staring at the Hot Wheels machine in fascination.

 

Viktor Binks:  Vow, I used to collect zose.

 

Harry:  Get out of the way!  Get out of the way!  Jedi Master coming through!

 

Harry bangs into Viktor and knocks him over, and the Hot Wheels car runs over them both.  Viktor decides that this means Harry saved his life, and follows him around for the rest of the movie.  Then Obi-Wan meets up with them, and they all go to visit Viktor's species, all of whom are incredibly annoying.

 

Viktor: *pointing at a really big lake*   Ve must svim through zis to reach my friends.

 

They all dive into the lake and svim - er, sorry, swim through the lake to meet Viktor's species, the most annoying creatures in the galaxy - Pokemons!   They are dragged before Pikachu, the head Pokemon, who spoke with the same accent as Viktor.

 

Harry:  Er, hi, your... uh... Pokiness, sir...

 

Pikachu:  Silence!  I am ze great Pikachu!   All must bow before me!

 

Harry opens his mouth to talk, but Obi-Wan elbows him out of the way.

 

Obi-Wan:  Look, mister, we want a way to find the Queen of the Naboo so we can get off this primitive backwater planet.  Kapiesh?

 

Pikachu:  Vell... I could arrange zat... provided you take Viktor vith you.   He is without a doubt ze most annoying of us all!

 

Harry and Obi-Wan consider it for a moment, then agree to take Viktor, figuring that they can shove him out into outer space once they get off Naboo.  So they take a strange type of transport and travel to the capital city in the most dangerous way possible, nearly getting eaten by huge fish at least three times.  Finally, they reach the palace by surfacing in the middle of the ornamental lake, which connects to the planet core for who knows what reason.   Anyway, at this point, the scene changes to where a couple droids are making "Queen Granger" and her escort of thirty people or so.   Actually, at this point, the person posing as Queen Granger isn't the true queen.  For the purpose of safety, the queen switched places with her loyal bodyguard, Lady Norris, and is wandering around pretending to be a handmaiden named Hermione Naberrie.  Lady Norris - who looks and sounds absolutely nothing like Queen Granger, and is in fact a cat - has somehow managed to convince hundreds of people who see the real queen everyday that she is, in fact, Queen Granger, and not some upstart handmaiden with a bad make-up job.  But that's beside the point.  So Harry and Obi-Wan drop down from their pathetic hiding spot and kill all the droids.  Harry and Obi-Wan start talking to Lady Norris disguised as the queen, seeing only the make-up and being completely oblivious to the fact that this is a cat they are talking to.

 

Harry:  Your Highness, you must come with us to Coruscant!   It isn't safe for you here!

 

Lady Norris:  Mrow rowl meow rowl yowl...

Translation:  Gee, I just don't know, I wish my handmaidens could help me decide...

 

Hermione, the real queen, nods vigorously.

 

Lady Norris:  Meow mow mrow!

Translation:  I mean, let's go!

 

Everyone races out to the queen's ship and tries to fly away.  They get shot at just before they can escape properly and a lot of things get hit.   R2D2 fixes everything but the hyperdrive, and they have to stop at the nearest planet, which happens to be Tatooine.   Tatooine is controlled by the Hutts, a race of really fat and really rich aliens.  Meanwhile, we switch back to Lee 1 and Lee 2.  They are talking to a little hologram, which is small enough that they could step on it, yet it seems to utterly terrify them.

 

Lee 1:  I am so sorry, Darth Voldemort, sir, but we... uh... kinda lost the queen.

 

Voldemort (the hologram):   You idiots!  Now I have to do it myself! *snaps his fingers*   Hey, wait, no I don't!  Hey, Draco, come here!

 

A Sith Lord with weird red and black make-up on his face comes up.

 

Voldemort:  Meet my apprentice, Darth Draco.  Draco, I want you to - *notices the make-up*   Sith spawn, Draco, what are you wearing?   Go wash your face right now!   You look like you were playing with Queen Granger's make-up!

 

Darth Draco goes to wash his face and returns looking normal.

 

Voldemort:  Right.  This is my apprentice, Darth Draco.  He will take care of those pesky Jedi for us, never fear!

 

Lee 1:  Geez, and I thought one of them was bad!

 

Darth Voldemort and Darth Draco start to curse one of the Lees, but hesitate, unable to tell them apart, then eventually put the Crucio Curse on them both.  Onward to Tatooine.  Harry, Viktor, R2D2, and Hermione have left everyone else at the ship, going in search of a hyperdrive.  They end up in some junk shop in Mos Eisley.  The owner comes out.

 

Gilderoy Lockhart:  Hi, I'm the great Gilderoy Lockhart, and welcome to my lovely little shop!  Is there something I can interest you in, good sirs and madam and... droid?

 

Harry:  Yeah, we want a hyperdrive.

 

Lockhart:  Oh, a hyperdrive?  We just got rid of our last one.

 

Harry:  You sold out of them?  Here?   How many people come here wanting a hyperdrive?

 

Lockhart:  Sold them?  No, no, my lad, you misunderstand me.  They were cluttering up the place, filthy things, so I got rid of them for some nice hair care supplies.  If you'd like to examine some of those, though, I can -

 

Harry:  You're sure you don't have a hyperdrive?

 

Lockhart:  Well, I can check.  One moment, please. *yells to the back*  Hey, slave, get out here now!

 

Out walks Lockhart's slave, Dobby.

 

Lockhart:  Dobby, stay here and watch the girl and the Pokemon while I take this kid and his droid back to look at hyperdrives.

 

Lockhart, Harry, and R2D2 walk out, just as Hermione slaps Dobby for trying to hit on her.

 

Lockhart:  Oh, look here, I do have a hyperdrive after all!  It costs... *checks the tag* 100 zillion credits.

 

Harry:  Really?

 

Lockhart:  That's what it says on the tag...

 

Harry, who has rather begun to doubt Lockhart's ability to read letters, let alone numbers, just shakes his head.

 

Harry:  I haven't got that much...  I haven't even got any money - unless you'll take Galleons?

 

Lockhart:  Harry, Harry, Harry... we're in Mos Eisley, here, not Diagon Alley.   Galleons are just meaningless pieces of metal.   It's credits or nothing.

 

Harry:  Drat.

 

A shriek is heard from back inside the shop.

 

Hermione's voice:  I swear, you perverted little elf, you make one more pass at me and I'll throw you out that window!

 

Harry:  Er, we'll just go think it over...

 

Dobby comes flying through the window.   Harry hurries and gets the rest of his group away from the shop.  They walk down the street, and who should they pass but... Jar-Jar Binks!   Viktor and Jar-Jar bump into each other, literally.   Jar-Jar glares at Viktor.

 

Jar-Jar:  Hey!  Yousa bein the Pokemon who stole my job!

 

Viktor:  Vat are you talking about?

 

Jar-Jar:  Yousa takin mesa part in the Star Wars movie!   Yousa think you the big bombad annoying person! *evil glare*   Mesa no be likin yousa...

 

Jar-Jar starts beating Viktor up, despite the fact that Viktor is bigger and stronger and could probably crush Jar-Jar to a pulp, despite the fact that he is a Pokemon.  Suddenly, the fight is stopped by Dobby.

 

Dobby:  Don't beat him up, you stupid Gungan!

 

Jar-Jar:  Why not?

 

Dobby:  Because I said so, and if you don't, I'll tell Lockhart about your secret, undying passion for hair-care products!

 

Jar-Jar screams and leaves, glaring at Dobby.

 

Dobby: *to Hermione*   So, pretty impressive, huh?

 

Hermione:  No.  Drop dead.

 

* * * * *

 

Cho:  Dobby, what have I told you about coming home during sandstorms?   Never do it again!  Stay outside next time!

 

Dobby:  But I brought friends...

 

Cho: *skeptically*  You have friends?

 

Harry:  We had no choice... it was your house, or see what our insides look like after our skin's been scratched off.

 

Cho:  Not pretty, I'd imagine... though it couldn't help but improve Dobby over there.

 

Harry and Cho start flirting, Dobby gets slapped by Hermione a couple more times, and Viktor stands around looking bored.   Finally, he gets fed up with being the only one without a friend.

 

Viktor:  Oh, just say it already!  Ms. Skyvalker, ve vant Dobby to race in ze Podraces so zat ve can get money to get off zis planet!

 

Cho:  Podraces... those are dangerous, right? *looks speculatively at Dobby*

 

Viktor:  Very.

 

Cho:  Sure, go ahead.

 

Dobby shows off some big huge Podracer that he claims he built, but as he couldn't even make grilled cheese, everyone has serious doubts about this, and there was that matter a couple weeks ago of the stolen prototype Podracer...  Anyway, so Dobby gets a cut and Harry, to annoy Hermione, decides to fix it, and in the process discovers that Dobby has the highest concentration of little bugs crawling over him ever to be heard of, so he decides to take Dobby back to the Jedi Council for extermination - sorry, typo, examination.  But they aren't at Coruscant yet, so that's irrelevant.  Now, everyone is standing around waiting for the Podrace to begin.   Lockhart is talking to Harry.

 

Lockhart:  So, you're sure you don't want some hair-care products?  I have over 77 different brands...

 

Harry:  No.

 

Lockhart:  Don't I have anything you want?

 

Harry:  Yeah, the hyperdrive.

 

Lockhart:  Oh.  Well, if Dobby wins the Podrace you can have it, free.

 

Harry: *suspiciously*   What's the catch?

 

Lockhart:  He can't even reach the foot pedals!  He's not gonna win, Jar-Jar is.

 

Lockhart points at where a couple out-of-work Gungans are giving Jar-Jar a massage.  He grins and waves.

 

Jar-Jar:  Mesa gonna win the race!  Mesa bombad flier!

 

Harry:  Blast!  Why didn't we get him to race for us?

 

Lockhart:  You know what?  If Dobby wins, you can have him, too!

 

Harry:  Oh... ok.  Thanks, I guess...

 

Harry figures they'll shove Dobby out into space with Viktor later on.  Anyway, there's the race, blah blah blah, and so on and so forth, Jar-Jar blows lots of people up, accidentally hits himself, and Dobby wins by virtue of being the only racer who didn't get blown up, since he spent the whole race at the starting line, trying to reach the foot pedals.  Harry gets the hyperdrive, and everyone goes back to the ship.   On the way, Darth Draco arrives, just before Harry gets to the ship.  Everyone else runs to safety while Harry is forced to duel Darth Draco.

 

Harry:  Dang it!  Why can't I run to safety?

 

Darth Draco produces a little black handle thing, and Harry pulls out a silver one, and they begin pretending to fight, since the special effects people are taking today off.

 

Draco:  Oh, forget this! *puts away his handle*  I'm leaving.  See you at the Final Battle.

 

Draco goes back to his flying scooter and leaves.   Harry shrugs and gets on the ship.   They fly to Coruscant, where they are met by Senator Tom Marvelo Palpatine, who looks suspiciously like Darth Voldemort.  Lady Norris (who no one has yet discovered is not the queen, even though she looks nothing like Queen Granger) and her handmaidens go with Palpatine to talk to the Supremely Ineffective Senate, while Harry and Obi-Wan take Dobby to the Jedi Council.

 

Harry: *whines to the council*   The special effects people aren't here yet!

 

Yodadore (hint for the slow folks out there - Dumbledore) glares at Harry.

 

Yodadore:  Stop whining you should, sound stupid you do.   And if special effects people are not here, play-fight with lightsaber handles you should not!  Make laughingstocks of us all you will!

 

Harry:  Oh... you, uh, saw that?

 

Yodadore:  See all I do, know all I do.  Closed circuit TV do I have, watch you from anywhere I can.

 

Harry: *sweat drop*  Oh...

 

Yodadore:  Speaking of which, know about the little elf I do.   Bring him here, you should not have!   Infect us all with his little bugs he will!

 

Harry:  But I thought you should see him...

 

Yodadore:  Think too much you do, good at it you are not. *sighs*   Since he is here, bring him in you might as well.

 

Obi-Wan brings Dobby in.

 

Dobby:  Hi, Mr. Yodadore, sir!

 

Yodadore: *speculatively* Puny you are, crush you like a bug I could...

 

McGonagall Windu stops Yodadore from drawing his lightsaber daggers.

 

McGonagall:  Yodadore, remember, the special effects people aren't here.

 

Yodadore: *quickly*  Oh, yes, knew that I did.  Um... well, Master Jinn, your opinions on the elf?

 

Harry:  I dunno... we could train him.  That would get rid of the bugs.

 

Yodadore:  NO!  Train him we must not!   Become a tyrannical Sith Lord he will!

 

McGonagall:  How do you know that?

 

Yodadore:  Watched the original trilogy I did, know these things I do.

 

McGonagall:  But then doesn't he get trained anyway?

 

Yodadore looks confused, and we switch to where Queen Granger (the real one, not Lady Norris) is addressing the Supremely Ineffective Senate.

 

Queen Granger:  Senators, the Trade Federation has put a blockade around my planet, and I want you to make them quit!

 

The representatives from the Trade Federation, who also look exactly like Lee, come forward on their flying box.

 

Lee 3:  She's lying!  We didn't do anything to her dumb planet!

 

Queen Granger:  Yeah, you did!

 

Lee 3:  What do you know?  You can't even vote yet!

 

Queen Granger:  How dare you insult me! *to the Supreme Chancellor*   Supreme Chancellor Lucius, he insulted me!

 

The Supreme Chancellor looks up from where he's playing cards with Senators Pettigrew, Snape, and Karkaroff.

 

Lucius:  And I care why?

 

Queen Granger:  That's it!  I've had it!   I call for a vote of no confidence in Supreme Chancellor Lucius Malfoy!

 

And, of course, the Supreme Chancellor is voted out, and Tom Palpatine is put in his place.  A lot of other unimportant stuff happens, and Queen Granger decides to go back to Naboo to try to get the Pokemons to help her get rid of the blockade.  At this point, we switch to a scene where Lady Norris, dressed as Queen Granger, is talking to Pikachu.

 

Lady Norris:  Rowl mrowl mew!

Translation:  Come on, please!

 

Pikachu:  Vhy should ve help you?  You've never helped us with anyzing!

 

Lady Norris:  Yowl rowl mrow?

Translation:  Cause I'm asking real pretty?

 

Pikachu:  No.

 

Suddenly, Hermione pushes Lady Norris out of the way.

 

Hermione:  She's lying, she isn't the real Queen Granger.   I am!

 

Pikachu:  And I care vhy?

 

Hermione:  Because I have the power to make you help!

 

Pikachu:  Yeah, sure.

 

Hermione:  I do!

 

Pikachu:  Prove it.

 

Hermione:  Ok, I will. *takes a deep breath*  Pikachu, I choose you!

 

Pikachu:  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  She has uncovered our secret!  Now I have to help her!

 

So they make a pathetic plan involving the Pokemons doing all the work and fighting a bunch of droids while Queen Granger sneaks into her palace to capture Lee 1 and Lee 2, since no one can tell them apart.   Some idiot takes it into his head to make Viktor a general in the army, and he feels really proud till he does a lot of klutzy stuff in front of the other Pokemons.  Meanwhile, Lady Norris, disguised yet again as Queen Granger, goes into the palace, protected by her handmaidens, the Jedi, and Captain Seamus Panaka.  Dobby comes along because everyone hopes he'll get killed.   Everyone is walking calmly through the hanger bay when Darth Draco runs out.

 

Draco: *announces to everyone in general*   The special effects people are here!

 

Harry and Obi-Wan pale as Darth Draco pulls out his lightsaber handle.  This time, pretty red lights spring from both sides.  Harry draws his own, one-sided, green lightsaber.   He looks at it a moment, then calls offstage.

 

Harry: *hopefully*  Hey, Mysti, weren't you saying something about a stunt double?

 

Mystica looks up from where she and Krysta are typing at the computer.

 

Mystica:  Yeah, you can't have one.

 

Harry:  Drat. *to Krysta*  Say, Krysta -

 

Krysta:  Watch it, pal.  I like you less than she does.

 

Harry: *sweat drop*

 

Draco:  Hey, can we get on with this, people?

 

Harry:  No!  My character dies!

 

Draco:  Really?  Cool!

 

Harry:  It is not cool!   Anyhow, so does yours.

 

Draco:  What?!?

 

Obi-Wan:  Yes, I'm the only one who survives! *evil laughter*   MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Harry and Draco look at each other in confusion while the scene switches to where Dobby is sitting in the cockpit of a fighter plane for who-knows-what reason.  R2D2 has climbed into the little droid seat thing because it sucked him up and he had no choice.  Dobby randomly pushes a few buttons, causing the plane to start flying all on its own, to try to get the small annoying elf out of its cockpit.

 

Dobby:  Wheeee!  This is fun!   YIPPEE!

 

R2D2: *mechanical version of an eye roll*   Beep doo weep?

Translation:  How did I get roped into this?

 

Then the scene switches to Lees 1 through 4, who are standing on the large space ship that Dobby happens to be heading for.

 

Lee 1:  I'm in charge!

 

Lee 2:   No, I am!

 

Lee 3:  Me!

 

Lee 4:  No, it's me!

 

The Lees suddenly realize that Dobby is heading for them.

 

All 4:  NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

Lee 4:  I changed my mind... I'm not in charge, and it's all your fault! *points at Lee 1*

 

Lee 2:  Yeah!

 

Lee 1:  Is not, it's his fault! *points at Lee 3*

 

Lee 3:  Is not!

 

Lee 1:  Is too!

 

Lee 3:  Is not!

 

Lee 1:  Is too!

 

Lee 4:  I hate to break up the argument, but DOBBY'S COMING!!!!!

 

And sure enough, Dobby is about to land his little bitty ship in the great big ship.

 

Lees 1 through 3:  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

Lee 2:  Anything is better than Dobby!

 

Lee 1:  We must destroy the ship!  We must not let him get us!

 

Lee 3 races to press the self-destruct button, and they all Apparate to Theed Palace, which is where they were supposed to be anyhow.   Just before Dobby reaches the ship, it blows up.

 

Dobby:  Cool... *turns to R2D2*  Honey, I blew up the ship!

 

R2D2:  Beep boo bop?

Translation:  And I care why?

 

The scene changes to inside the palace, where Hermione, Seamus, and a bunch of other random people who are dressed up to look official are trying to fight a bunch of droids and losing miserably.

 

Seamus:  Hey!  Hold on a second... *looks offstage*  Since the ship got blown up, how come the droids still work?

 

Krysta:  Because we said so.

 

Hermione:  But... but...

 

It then occurs to the good guys, who are as usual abysmally stupid, that the droids have taken advantage of their distraction to surround them and remove their weapons.

 

Hermione/Seamus:  Shoot.

 

The scene changes to where Draco and Harry and Obi-Wan are fighting.

 

Draco:  Take that!  And that!

 

Draco chops at Obi-Wan viciously.

 

Obi-Wan:  Die, you Sith scum!  Die!

 

Obi-Wan swings his lightsaber at Draco.   In doing so, he is forced to turn his back to Harry.   Harry takes advantage of this to shove Obi-Wan off.

 

Obi-Wan: *as he falls* Hey, I thought you were on my siiiiiiiiiiide...

 

Harry: *glaring down*   Serves you right for getting to survive.   Dork.

 

Draco:  I'll never understand why all the ladies want him.

 

Harry shrugs.  Switch scenes to where Obi-Wan is on the bottom level, miraculously not dead yet.

 

Obi-Wan: *yells up at Harry*   I'll get you, my pretty!  And your little friend, too!  MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

 

Offstage, Krysta and Mystica look at each other strangely.

 

Mystica:  Does it disturb anyone else when he does that?

 

Another scene change to where Hermione and Seamus are brought before the Lees.

 

Lee 1:  Who are you?

 

Seamus:  Um... Lee, I am your father?

 

Hermione: *elbows Seamus*   Wrong movie!

 

Lee 3:  Naw, we hadn't noticed.

 

Lee 2:  So, who are you? *waits expectantly*

 

Hermione:  Er... someone who loves you?

 

Seamus: *elbows Hermione*   Now who has the wrong movie, huh?

 

Suddenly, Lady Norris runs up, really out of breath.

 

Lady Norris:  Mrowl rowl, yowl meow mrow rowl!

Translation:  I am Queen Granger, protector of litter boxes and that really good crunchy cat food that tastes kinda like chicken!  In the name of the Cat, I shall punish you!

 

While everyone stares in confusion at the authors' brief lapse into Sailor Moon (or something to that effect, anyways...) Hermione snatches a gun from the Plot Hole of Doom (guaranteed to appear in any cliché, any time, anywhere, or your money back) and holds Lady Norris up.

 

Hermione:  This is for impersonating me!

 

Hermione shoots Lady Norris.

 

Lee 4:  Oh my God, she killed the queen!

 

Hermione:  You idiots!  I am the queen!  Duh!   I mean, don't you even remember the elections?   I was all over the holo when I was trying to get people to vote for me!  And she doesn't even look like me!  She's a cat, for crying out loud!  We're not even the same species !

 

Hermione goes on in this vein for a really long time, until all the Lees fall asleep from boredom.   Scene switch to the Pokemon War.

 

Viktor:  Ze ship is gone!  Vhy are ze droids not dead?  Vhy?

 

Droid 1:  Because no one would, in reality, be stupid enough to hook us droids up to a ship that could get blown up so easily, you moron!

 

Pikachu:  But... but... ve must vin ze var!   It is our destiny!

 

Droid 1:  Not in this version, it ain't.

 

The droids then proceed to completely and utterly slaughter the Pokemons, much to everyone's pleasure.   For a finale, the droids go on to scout out and destroy the Gungans.

 

Mystica/Krysta:  All right! *loud applause*

 

The scene switches back to Draco and Harry, who are now heading to the Mos Eisley bar on Tatooine. (They are going to get lemonade.   Kids, underage drinking is not cool!  Just say no!)

 

Draco:  You know, for a wimpy Light Side Jedi dork, you aren't half bad.

 

Harry:  Gee, thanks.

 

Draco:  But, if you were evil, you'd just be so much cooler!   Why don't you trade in that pitiful little green thing you've got and get a double-bladed red lightsaber like mine?

 

Harry:  You know, I think I will! *calls offstage*   Mysti, Krysta, can I -

 

Harry's original lightsaber disappears, replaced by a really awesome one like Draco's.

 

Harry:  Thanks!

 

Mystica:  Don't mention it.

 

Harry and Draco continue to the bar, where they meet up with Cho Skywalker again. (She's also drinking lemonade.)

 

Cho:  Hey, Harry, how you doing?

 

Harry:  Pretty good.  You?

 

Cho:  Good.   Hey, how about you and your friend come have a drink with me?   My treat.

 

Harry: *glances at Draco*   Sure, why not.

 

Harry and Draco sit down to order lemonades.   Then, a very angry and disheveled Obi-Wan bursts in, brandishing his blue (*cough*wimp*cough*) lightsaber in a threatening manner.

 

Obi-Wan:  That's it!   I'm sick of being just shoved around!   That's all that's happened this entire fic, and now, you will pay! *tries to behead Draco*

 

Harry: *indignantly drawing his own lightsaber*   Hey!  Don't hurt my friend!

 

Obi-Wan:  Your friend?   He's a Sith!!!!!

 

Harry:  Yeah, well, so am I! *activates his pretty red lightsaber*

 

Obi-Wan:  NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  Now I must kill you both!

 

There is a big long lightsaber fight with Draco and Harry against Obi-Wan.  Just when it seems Obi-Wan is about to prevail (he distracted the Sith Lords by holding up a shiny object) and behead Harry, a lemonade bottle is broken over his head.  Everyone looks up, very startled, to see Cho there, grinning.

 

Cho: *glares at Obi-Wan*   Serves him right!  Arrogant, pompous loser!

 

Obi-Wan is chopped in half and thrown into the bar's oven.  Incidentally, the cookies from that batch sold better than any other cookies in the bar's history.   Scene switch to the big party at the end, where the battle droids, as the coolest characters, are crowned rulers of Nabboo in honor of killing Jar-Jar and the rest of the Gungans and the Pokemons.   And everyone lived happily ever after, until George Lucas and JK Rowling discovered this story and sued.   The End.