Loon Goes To Hogwarts

Loon Goes To Hogwarts

Part 6 - Loon Meets Voldemort

It was a dark and stormy night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This was rather odd, as it was in the middle of the day, and actually rather sunny and nice, but the author said it was a dark and stormy night, and no one really wanted to argue with her.

The Gryffindors were just getting ready to leave Divination when Professor Trelawney started twitching vigorously.

Harry gasped. "Oh, no! She's having a seizure! Hermione told me what to do when this happens!" He raced over and began attempting to perform the Special Making People Stop Having A Seizure Maneuver Thing.

"Stop that!" Trelawney shoved him away. "I'm trying to make a prediction, thank you so very much!"

"I knew that." Harry blushed and moved away.

"I see doom..." Trelawney said in a deep voice as creaky and old as the hills.

"Dude, you've got one of those cool voice shifter things!" Seamus exclaimed. "Can I borrow it?"

"Doom!" Trelawney repeated irritably. "And darkness! And the return of You-Know-Who!"

Everyone gasped, except for Harry, who always had to prove he was braver than anyone else, and Leigh, who wasn't trying to be especially brave but just wasn't paying attention.

"And," Trelawney continued, sensing a good dramatic reaction, "there shall be rivers that run with blood, trees that get up and walk, and rocks that speak!"

"Rok already speaks," Leigh said, taking no notice of the rest of the prophecy with her usual selective hearing.

"What?" Trelawney blinked in exaggerated confusion. "Oh, dear me, I have made a prediction, and now I have no idea what I have said."

"You said last week that Seamus is a bloody idiot," Leigh told her helpfully. "When he blew up that Random Expensive Shiny Thing, remember?"

Trelawney glared at her, but didn't dispute this. There just wasn't any point to arguing with Leigh. And anyway, Seamus was a bloody idiot.

Just then, Professor McGonagall came in. "What are all of you doing?" she snapped, giving them the Mighty McGonagall Glare Of Doom. "You're supposed to be in my class!"

"I thought we were supposed to be in Charms with Flitwick," Ron said, frowning.

McGonagall blinked. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." She left, leaving the Glare to stand around, shuffling its feet and looking embarrassed, until it realized it was supposed to follow her to be used on the innocent third year students that she was supposed to be teaching.

Later that day, during the large amounts of free time that all Hogwarts students seem to have, despite all the various essays and tests and projects and things they're supposed to be doing, Harry clapped a hand to his forehead and screamed.

Hermione turned to him in horror. "Oh, no. Harry's scar is paining him, and therefore You-Know-Who is close by."

Leigh looked up from where she was trying to figure out if Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans could be used as one of her many Tremendously Ineffective Loon Weapons... or, that is, if she had any relation to Sailor Loon, which of course she didn't. But if she did, that's what she would have been doing.

"Shouldn't it be You-Know-Whom?" she asked. Actually, this is a source of much debate among the world's Harry Potter fans. Is the Dark Lord's name in fact grammatically correct, or are we all just spending too much time listening to our teachers? The 'who,' or the 'whom,' depending entirely on which school of thought you belong to, is the subject of the 'know' -

"Mysti!" Hermione snapped. "No one cares!"

Oh, sure, this from the know-it-all! Fine, fine, but don't blame me when you get dragged off to Grammar Prison...

"What?" Ron gave Leigh a strange look.

"This person you all know," Leigh said brightly. "Who is it, anyway? Are we playing a guessing game?" She grinned happily. "Let's see, is it a cute fluffy bunny?"

"Um... no," Ron told her. "It is the evil Dark Lord, who we dare not speak the name of because then he might come to get us and murder us with his Evil Curse Thing That Kills People."

"Oh." Leigh pondered this. "Is he a cute fluffy bunny?"

"No!" Harry snapped, annoyed that no one was paying attention to him and his scar. "He is Voldemort, and he is the terror of the wizarding world!"

"He could be a cute fluffy bunny," Leigh persisted. "They're very scary, you know." She looked down at Rok. "What's that, Rok?" She nodded. "Oh, ok. Rok says it's not the cute fluffy bunnies that are scary, it's the big giant evil monsters with great big heads and four teeth... or maybe it was the other way around. Is he one of those?"

Harry never got to answer this question, because at that moment, in walked... Terry Boot! Everyone turned to stare at him.

"Let me guess," Harry said wearily. "You never died, am I right?"

Terry smiled evilly. "I don't know what you're talking about. And now, I have something to tell you all."

"Is it about the bright light at the end of the tunnel?" Leigh asked.

"No." Terry glared at her. "It is about how I am, in fact, not Terry Boot. I am really... Super Eeeevil Terry Boot!"

Everyone looked at him for a while. "Ok, so?" Hermione asked.

"What do you mean, 'so'?" Terry demanded. "I'm evil!"

"That's nice." Everyone went back to what they were doing.

"Insolent fools!" Terry cried. "How dare you defy me!" Then he realized people were ignoring him, as they usually did. Soon, someone would probably refer to him as Boot. "Aw, man, why do I even bother?"

As Terry turned around, he crashed directly into Lord Voldemort, who fricasseed him immediately for attempting to be more evil than the Dark Lord. Voldemort swept to the middle of the room, followed by his various Evil Follower Henchmen Dudes.

"I am Lord Voldemort, and I am here to steal your bananas!" Voldemort cried.

"Really? Are you with the Cheese Men?" Leigh looked up in alarm.

"Huh?" Voldemort thought for a second. "Oh, sorry, I meant... I am Lord Voldemort, and I am here to kill you!"

Everyone gasped and said in a monotone, "Oh, no. It's Lord Voldemort. He is here to kill us."

Harry leaped to his feet. "Oh, no, you will not!" he cried dramatically. "I am Harry Potter, your ArchEnemy, and I shall attempt to stop you on my own, despite the fact that you could probably squish me like a bug, because I am the Hero and I cannot be killed!"

"You're Harry Potter?" Voldemort looked down at him. "You are not."

Harry was briefly confused by this cunning ploy, but then came up with the crafty reply, "Yes, I am!"

"No, you're not!" Voldemort insisted. "I am Harry Potter!"

Harry gave him the look he usually reserved for Leigh. "You are not."

"Yes, I am!" Voldemort retorted.

Harry frowned. "Really?"

"Nah, not really, I'm just messing with you." Voldemort grinned. "But I am here to kill both you and the girl over there who is clearly your sister because her eyes are the same emerald green as yours."

Harry turned around to look. "Hermione?"

"No, you idiot, I have brown eyes!" Hermione snapped. "He means Leigh!"

"Leigh is my sister?" Harry asked, a strange sort of smile spreading over his face. "Of course, it just makes ever so much sense, since she is the Perfect Female Transfer Student From America, and I am the Hero, of course my sister should be perfect. Let us ignore the fact that, if I had a sister, someone would've had to know, and would most certainly have told me, and embrace our new-found sibling love to defeat Voldemort with the power of it!"

"Let's not and say we did," Leigh suggested, going back to her dilemma about the Bertie Bott's Beans.

Voldemort, not agreeing with this solution, advanced on Leigh. "Aha! I have discovered Harry Potter's sister, who is clearly just as powerful as he is, and for now we shall ignore the question of exactly why I am frightened by that thought. Now, little witch, I shall kill you!" he concluded, looming menacingly over Leigh.

She looked up at him. "You're standing in my bubble."

Voldemort glared at her in confusion. "What?"

"My bubble of personal space," Leigh explained. "There was this lady who said that everyone has their own invisible bubble and that no one else should stand in it. And you're in mine. Get out."

This was clearly not a tactic Voldemort had encountered before. He decided the best way to overcome it was to defy it. "No."

"Hey, you have a shiny hand!" Leigh exclaimed, losing interest in Voldemort at the sight of Pettigrew and his special silver hand. "Can I have it?"

"Um... no," Pettigrew said nervously. "I need it to eat with."

"Oh." Leigh nodded. "So it turns into a fork? That's really useful."

"Excuse me? Remember me?" Voldemort interrupted, annoyed. "The Evil Villain who's here to destroy the world? I believe I am the center of attention here!"

"You're here to destroy the world?" Leigh looked at him in horror. "Then you are in league with the Cheese Men!" She looked down at Rok. "You're right, Rok. I think it's definitely time for me to transform."

"Wait! Leigh, you can't transform yet!" Five other girls came running into... whatever room all these people were in. "You've got to wait for us!"

Harry groaned. "Oh, Lord, there're more of them!"

Leigh jumped up and down, waving frantically at all the Whatsits - er, no, wait, of course they weren't the other five Whatsits, they were just five girls who happened to look exactly like the Whatsits. Entirely coincidental, really.

"Hi, everyone!" Leigh waved at Triesta, who was not Sailor Random, Dee, who was not Sailor Contradiction, Cera, who was not Sailor Cynic, Kali, who was not Sailor Obvious, and Crissy, who was not Sailor Airhead. "Wow, it took you a long time to get here. I thought you'd've come way back a long time ago! Did you have to ride on the evolved birdies? And did you know Rok is their king?"

"Of course not, except we did," Dee replied.

Crissy wandered up to inspect Voldemort. "Hey, did you, like, know that your eyes are, like, red and glowing? And they so like totally clash with your robes. Lime green does not go with blood red. And you're like bald and ugly. You so need to go for a makeover. That red makeup does, like, nothing for your complexion, you know?"

Voldemort stared strangely at this new threat, then decided killing people was what he came there for, after all. "Avada Kedavra!"

Crissy cocked her head at him. "Like, abracadabra to you, too," she said cheerfully. Then she caught sight of Pettigrew. "Whoa, that dude has like a shiny hand!"

At this, all the Whatsits turned to stare at Pettigrew's hand in interest. Pettigrew backed away from them in terror.

Voldemort, meanwhile, was gaping in shock. "My Evil Curse Thing That Kills People didn't work!"

"Probably because you didn't take your wand out," Hermione, always the Voice of Reason, reminded him.

"Oh, yeah." Voldemort nodded, taking his wand out. To test it out, he aimed it at Seamus Finnegan and Vincent Crabbe. "Avada Kedavra!"

"That guy just killed someone," Kali remarked to the other Whatsits.

"That's because he's an evil villain and plans to take over the world," Cera said, with a dark scowl in his direction.

"You know," Triesta said in her usual random fashion, "I think we should transform now."

The other Whatsits all nodded in agreement (except for Dee, who was shaking her head no), and Leigh started to yell for everyone to turn around. Then she realized that everyone except Voldemort and his Evil Follower Henchmen Dudes already had turned around. "Leigh's rubbing off on them," Kali commented.

"You guys had better turn around, too," Leigh said to Voldemort and his Evil Follower Henchmen Dudes.

Voldemort eyed her suspiciously. "So you can stab me in the back?"

"Do you want me to?" Leigh asked. "Cause I wasn't going to, but I will if that's what you want."

Voldemort considered this, then decided, as most people did, that it was easier to just do what Leigh wanted than to argue with her. This could have been Leigh's abilities as a natural leader, but more likely it was the fact that the author wants to hurry things along.

All the Whatsits produced their Special Transforming Mechanical Pencils from their various pockets, and gave their respective cries.

"Loon Pencil Power!"

"Random Pencil Power!"

"Contradiction Pencil Power!"

"Cynic Pencil Power!'

"Obvious Pencil Power!"

"Airhead Pencil Power!"

They then got on with the business of twirling around in the air, shooting sparks, changing clothes, and generally making a big fuss during which the villains of course couldn't kill them because the Whatsits are the Heroes and Voldemort is a Villain.

"Ok!" Loon exclaimed. "Cheese Men, come out! We're ready to fight!"

Voldemort turned around and blinked. "You changed clothes?"

"We did not change clothes, we're entirely different people!" Loon insisted.

"Yeah, like, totally!" Airhead agreed.

"Now," Loon took a deep breath, "you are evil, killing people is wrong..." She went on in this vein for quite some time, while the observers took advantage of the chance to take a short nap. "And therefore, in the name of the Loon, we shall punish you!"

"I don't think so!" Voldemort cackled evilly. "Behold, I shall severely injure you with my Evil Curse Thing That Puts People In Lots Of Pain!"

"Is it lots and lots of pain?" Leigh asked in interest. "Or just lots?"

Voldemort glared at her. "I don't know... a lot!"

"Oh, ok." Leigh nodded. "As long as it isn't lots and lots."

Just as Voldemort prepared to perform his Evil Curse Thing That Puts People In Lots Of Pain, this time making certain he raised his wand, he was hit in the head with a clump of question mark things as another voice rang out.

"I am Tuxedo Ask, and I want to know what's going on!" A boy about the Whatsits' age wearing a tacky blue tuxedo and a fake mustache came racing into the wall beside the door, backed up, shook himself, and then came racing in.

Voldemort turned to Tuxedo Ask, who of course was not Leigh's American boyfriend Mamoo, in horror. "Good God, how many of you people are there?"

"I don't know," Tuxedo Ask said, falling back on a standardly clueless reply.

"Lots and lots and lots!" Loon said brightly. She and Airhead grinned happily.

Voldemort shook his head. "Fine. Whatever. I'm leaving. You lot can terrorize the wizarding world a lot more than I ever could!"

With that, Voldemort left Hogwarts to the Whatsits, who had of course achieved an astounding victory over him despite the fact that really they hadn't done anything much other than be themselves. The Evil Follower Henchmen Dudes all hurried to follow him, except for Pettigrew, who Airhead took hostage to see if she could remove his shiny hand that Loon insisted could double as a fork.

"Are you going to stay here and protect us forever?" Harry asked Loon and the others warily.

"Yes, except we aren't," Contradiction said.

"We have to return to America to continue fighting our battle against the Evil Cheese Men and the Bug People," Loon told him. "But never fear, for we shall always be watching over you."

"Really?" Harry didn't sound too pleased at the idea

"No, probably not. We'll probably forget all about you by the time we're a few miles away and in the presence of some shiny objects," Loon said in a surprisingly thoughtful way.

"Will I ever see you again?" Harry asked, wondering even as he said it if the Great Workings Of Destiny would conspire against them for a sequel.

"How should we know?" Cynic growled at him.

"Well, here's my address - er, Leigh's address," Loon said, handing Harry a sheet of paper with Leigh's address on it that she just happened to be carrying around in her pocket. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you came to visit sometime. But not on Monday nights, because that's the day of the Cult of Zaah."

And with that, Sailor Loon, the Whatsits, and Tuxedo Ask left Hogwarts. Forever? Probably. How the heck am I supposed to come up with a sequel to this?!