Loon Goes To Hogwarts

Loon Goes To Hogwarts

Part 4 - Loon Vs. the ID Tags

One morning on a day midway through the year, despite the fact that this would make it winter and it would be freezing cold and probably snowing, since this is in northern Scotland, after all, but where the author lives it is disgustingly warm even in midwinter, and she's now forgotten where this sentence was going... Oh, yes. All the students of Hogwarts were gathered out on the front lawn in front of Hagrid's hut. They probably could have gathered in the Great Hall, but these are teachers who planned this assembly, so therefore it was outside.

"Hello, everyone!" Dumbledore said happily.

Everyone in a monotonous chorus: "Hello, Professor Dumbledore."

Leigh, thirty seconds later: "Oh, hi!"

"Anyway," Dumbledore continued, "I have a wonderful surprise for everyone in the school, which really ought to strike fear into the hearts of students everywhere because my last wonderful surprise resulted in bringing back Voldemort and getting Cedric Diggory killed, but I'm going to expect you to be all happy and excited anyway. Guess what your wonderful surprise is!"

"Invisible Popsicles!" Leigh cried in delight.

"Um... no." Dumbledore blinked. "No, this is even better! You get to have ID tags!" From his pocket, he pulled a small piece of plastic hanging from a lanyard string thing. "This is my ID tag, and you can tell it's mine because it has my picture on it..." Dumbledore trailed off as the Weasley twins snickered, as he finally got a good look at the picture. "Excuse me, this seems to be Brittany Spears's ID tag. I don't know where mine is. Anyway, I have decided to put Hagrid in charge of the ID tags, so I'll just turn things over to him now."

"Oh, well, if Hagrid's in charge, it can't be too bad," Harry muttered to Ron and Hermione. As he spoke, Fate hid behind a tree, cackling evilly.

All of a sudden, Hagrid walked out of his hut. Or was it Hagrid?

"That's Fang, you idiot," Hermione hissed.

Sorry.

Hagrid followed Fang out, looking very Hagrid-y and not at all Fang-like. He stared around at the crowd of students. "Hi, everyone," he said, his accent miraculously disappearing into the Plot Hole of Doom because the author is lazy. "The board of school governors has decided you must all have ID tags, because they're a school board and that's the sort of evil thing school boards do. You must wear your ID tags all the time you are on school property, because if you don't wear your ID tag, we won't know whether or not you attend Hogwarts, despite the fact that we've seen you every day for the entire school year so far, and anyway who the heck would want to sneak into a school? But that is beside the point, because now that these ID tags have been installed, their law is carved in stone.

"These ID tag law is simple. You will wear your ID tag at all time. You will eat with it, you will bathe with it, you will sleep with it, and - why are you all snickering? There is nothing funny about this! ID tags are an essential part of life! Thank you. Anyway, anyone who is found without an ID tag will be given a detention, no questions asked. This is the law, and it cannot be broken. Is that clear?" Hagrid glared at the students. "Look at you - you're breaking the law already! None of you are wearing your ID tags!"

"We haven't gotten them yet, Hagrid," Hermione offered timidly, frightened by the strangely crazed gleam in Hagrid's eye when he spoke of these ID tags. That, or the sun was in her eyes.

"That's no excuse!" Hagrid began, when he was hit by a roving Plot Device Monster because the author was getting bored with this sequence and wanted to move onward. "Everyone line up, and I, mysteriously having learned to use this Muggle ID-tag-making technology, will make each of you an ID tag."

~*~

A few days later, while going to his Care of Magical Creatures class with the rest of the Gryffindors, Ron realized he'd lost his ID tag. "Oh, woe is me, for I have lost my ID tag," Ron said to Harry and Hermione.

"I thought you just didn't want to wear it," Hermione replied. "Didn't I see you leave it in the Common Room this morning?"

"Oh, yeah." Ron nodded. "Well, it's not like any of the teachers actually care. It's just a stupid piece of plastic. Hagrid won't mind."

When class started, the first thing Hagrid did was glare around to check who was wearing their ID tag. He was, for some reason, carrying a Muggle megaphone, the instrument of torture used by all ID fanatics. He was also carrying a notepad, presumably to write down the names of those students not wearing their ID tags. However, he had forgotten to carry something to write with, so this notepad was rendered useless.

"Aha!" Hagrid shouted, his eyes stopping on Ron. "No ID tag!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, Hagrid, who cares?"

"It is of utmost importance!" Hagrid shouted. "ID tags are the law! The law, do you hear me, the law!"

"Hagrid, it's me, Ron," Ron said, exasperated. "You can cut me some slack, right?"

Hagrid seemed to swell in size, though of course it only seemed that way, because he's so huge already he really can't get much bigger without exploding. "You want me to violate the sacred ID tag law?"

"Uh... yes..." Ron said.

Hagrid's eyes narrowed. "How do I even know you are Ron Weasley?" he asked cunningly. "You could be an intruder! Without your ID tag, how would anyone know?"

"Um... because I look like myself..." Ron began edging away from Hagrid, in the same way people often edged away from Leigh.

"But you have no ID tag!" Hagrid objected. "You aren't Ron Weasley!" He snatched Ron up by the ear, which honestly doesn't make sense when you think about it, because wouldn't his ears come off? And these are Ron's ears we're talking about, not Hagrid's, in case you couldn't tell. "We're going to see Dumbledore about this!"

While Hagrid went off to insist to Dumbledore that Ron was a spy planted in their midst by Voldemort, Draco began tormenting Neville because he's Draco Malfoy and that's what he does. No one attempted to stop him because they were bored and watching was something to do.

"Hey, Longbottom, I'm going to curse you for no other reason than the fact that I'm in Slytherin, and you can't do anything about it because you're a stupid fat kid and no one can be bothered to save you," Draco said. He stopped and frowned for a moment at what he'd said, then shrugged, deciding it was evil enough.

"Look, Hagrid's coming back!" Terry Boot cried, apparently deciding to join the Gryffindors for yet another lesson. He really likes skipping, huh?

Everyone turned to stare at him. "Weren't you dead?" Harry asked.

"Who, me?" Terry asked. "No, of course not! Dead? Me? Where would you get a silly idea like that?"

Everyone looked at each other and shrugged.

At that point, Hagrid returned, muttering, "Stupid Headmaster! 'ID tags aren't that important,' he says! 'The death penalty isn't necessary for forgetting to wear an ID,' he says! Hah!"

He looked around and noticed Draco with his wand at Neville's throat. "Hey! Malfoy! What're you doing?"

"I'm about to perform a terrible curse on Longbottom for no reason," Draco told him.

Hagrid scowled. "Are you wearing your ID tag?"

"Yes, of course," Draco replied innocently.

"Ok, carry on." Hagrid turned back to the rest of the class. Neville's screams echoed in the background. "Now, today's lesson is on a special kind of wizarding bug - "

"Bug?" Leigh shrieked. "No, no, it's the Bug People, they've found me, they've found me!" She looked down at Rok. "What's that, Rok? I should transform to fight them?" She turned to her bewildered classmates. "Everybody turn around!"

Once again, the whole spinning-around-in-the-air-for-an-abnormally-long-period-of-time-and-changing-clothes process occurred.

"All right, Bug People!" Sailor Loon shouted. "I'm ready to fight!"

"Can we turn around yet?" Harry asked.

"Oh, yeah. Go ahead," Loon told him. She looked around in confusion. "So where are the Bug People? Wait - what did you say, Rok? The Bug People have infested the ID tags?" She gasped. "I knew it! I knew those things were evil!"

"Hey," Seamus said suspiciously, "I thought you said you weren't Leigh."

"Of course I'm not!" Loon insisted. "Just because I look and sound exactly like Leigh doesn't automatically mean we're the same person!"

"But you've both got the same weird rock," Seamus protested.

"Oh..." Loon looked down at Rok, puzzled. "Um... it's a different Rok! Yes, that's it, he's a different Rok from Leigh's Rok. There? See that? I don't even know a Leigh!" She straightened. "Anyway, I must now defeat the Bug People!"

"Wait!" Hagrid objected. "You said the Bug People are in the ID tags!"

"Yeah, so?" Loon frowned.

"You can't fight the sacred ID tags!" Hagrid cried. "Die, you rebel scum!"

"Wrong parody," Hermione snapped.

I meant to do that.

"You can't fight the sacred ID tags!" Hagrid cried. "In the name of the Loon, I shall punish you!"

"Hey, that's my line!" Loon cried, just before Hagrid attempted to attack her with an ID tag. Fortunately, he missed. Unfortunately, he hit Terry Boot instead, killing him with the great evil of the ID tag (again).

Because the author was losing interest in this section, the power used in the Bug People's blow to Terry caused them to release their hold on Hagrid. He then burned all the ID tags and we all lived happily ever after - no, wait, we didn't, there are two more parts. Sorry.