Interview with a Werewolf

Interview with a Werewolf.

Announcer: ... The Tonight Show with David Letterman!

(Applause)

"Thank you, thank you!" Mr. Letterman exclaimed, "We have a great show for you tonight, so let's get to it. Here's tonight's guest, Remus Lupin!"

A scrawny, tired looking man stumbled out into the stage, looking bewildered by all the light and noise. He winced. Great, what'd you get yourself into now, Remus?

I think this is worse than when I tried to wash Snape's hair.

Well, there was that one time I tried to dress like Malfoy to get into the Slytherin dorms...

...I thought I forgot about that...

"Mr. Lupin?"

Remus was suddenly aware that hundreds of people were staring at him.

"You can sit down, you know."

Without another word, Remus sat in a desk chair. Not too bad...

David Letterman started to stare, and the audience started to laugh. "You can tell he's British," Letterman roared.

Remus looked insulted. What's that supposed to mean?

Three minutes later, after having to catch his breath, Letterman finally told Remus to get out of his chair. He pointed to a hard looking square chair. Remus sat. Prat... guess he couldn't get a real job...he took the only decent chair...

"How does it feel to be the world's most popular werewolf?"

Great, a round of stupid questions. It's Divination class all over again.

"Err...exactly how many werewolves does the world know about?"

"There was one in that episode of Scooby Doo..."

Every word he said shrunk Remus' idea of Letterman's I.Q.

"There was also one in a black-and-white movie."

"I don't think those count," Remus said, realizing that this was a chat show, and that he was supposed to chat. This was going to be harder than he thought.

Then it hit him.

"How in hell did you find out about my lycanthropy?"

"You had a little Nip-and-Tuck?"

Idiot.

"I heard you were a trouble-maker in school. You had a little 'gang', made up of you and three of your friends. Where are they now?"

You just had to bring that up, didn't you?

"Well, two are dead, and the other one is a Dea-, in the mafia, the other one is in the mafia."

"In the mafia, eh? Your life is screwed-up."

Yes, yes it is.

"How did the other two die?"

You are so very sensitive.

"Well, the one that was a Dea-, in the mafia, betrayed one and framed the other one, saying that the other killed him, so he ended up in Ask-, in prison and died there." I've just spilled my life's story to thousands of people. I shouldn't have done that...

"Once again, your life is very screwed up."

I've realized.

"You're a professor, right?"

"Yes."

"You realize that I get paid more than you get paid monthly, every hour?"

Remus wanted to put a good hex on him, but, unlike Sirius, had some self-control.

"Which means that you get paid for asking me some stupid and personal questions that no one really cares about?"

"When you put it that way..."

"It makes you sound like a git who doesn't deserve any money?"

"No, I was thinking more along the lines that I deserve more money."

Remus winced. I'll show him...