The Teacher

Grey

On Monday, Severus kept his distance towards the werewolf, and he was quite sure that the other appreciated it. He was certain that the children were telling Remus about the homework he had given them since the werewolf's mood dropped considerably throughout the day. Severus's own mood wasn't the best, either. It had gotten a little better when he had taken fifty points from Gryffindor to punish Ronald Weasley for having thrown a crocodile heart at Draco but it got worse again when he met Remus in a hallway. The smaller man nodded at him but his face was dark and Severus desperately wished for one of those sweet smiles.

Severus waited in vain for the werewolf to come and talk to him about the homework. He would have to take the initiative and he would almost have fallen to the floor, hitting the stone in despair, not knowing how to approach the other. Finally he resigned to the fact that the most apparent way was the only possible one. But it was also the hardest. For him at least. He didn't have a choice, though, so he climbed the stairs to Remus's office in the evening and braced himself for a fight when he knocked on the door three times to announce that it was him and allow the other to refuse to let him inside. But Remus opened, looking expectant.

"Severus," he said, without the usual 'good evening' and it made the Potions master even more nervous than he already was. He knew what to say, had thought it through many times but the words didn't come easily. It wasn't a surprise to him.

"Remus," he began, trying to soothe the werewolf a little by saying his name. He wasn't quite sure if it worked, though. "I want to... to tell you something."

Remus raised his eyebrows and his expression told Severus that he was allowed to continue. "I'm..." Severus hesitated and scolded himself for having such a big ego for the second time in the year. "I wanted to say that I..." Remus sighed and it scared Severus a little. Now or never, he thought and took a deep breath, swallowing his pride. "I want to apologise. I was wrong and I regret what I did. Everything I did during the last week."

Remus considered him for a moment. Then he lowered his head, unable to conceal his broad smile and Severus's heart lightened immediately. It was as if all worries had been taken from him. When the werewolf looked up at him, though, still standing in the doorway, blocking it, he managed to ban the smile from his face.

"You come here and tell me that and you think I'll believe you?" his voice was firm but his face encouraging and his golden eyes still smiling, so, Severus stepped forward.

"How can I prove it?" he asked and Remus shrugged.

"I think you already know the answer, Severus," he said quietly and Severus took his hand shyly, not really sure how to touch him, but before he could go any further Remus took his hand away, stepping aside to let him in. "Not necessarily in the hallway, though," he added with a chuckle and Severus turned towards him with a scowl. When the door had been closed, he reached for the werewolf once more, pulling him close into an awkward hug, before bravery could leave him again. Remus buried his face in his shoulder, clinging to him as if he couldn't stand on his own legs anymore if he let go.

"So," Severus muttered, close to Remus's ear, "you... forgive me?" Remus snorted at that.

"You're an idiot," he mumbled into the fabric of Severus's black robes and it was all the Potions master could do not to be offended. When the other man pulled back, though, he gave him a disarming smile that would have made Gilderoy Lockhart, the fraud, turn very green with jealousy, and would almost have knocked Severus off his feet.

"How could I not forgive Severus Snape when he asks for it? And surprisingly quickly, too. I'm sure that doesn't happen a lot," the werewolf said and opened the door to his rooms. "The fact that you apologised shows me that you are truly sorry."

Severus followed him into his sitting room silently and took his usual seat on the sofa where he was joined by the werewolf, carrying two cups of the white tea, a few minutes later. He handed him one and their fingers brushed again, making them both linger for a very long moment. After they had both taken a sip Remus set his cup down and his face looked stern again.

"I told my classes that they needn't do your homework," he said quietly and looked down at his hands. Severus rubbed his neck and tried not to hide his shame.

"Yes, I shouldn't have done that," he said and stared at Remus who hung his head and bit his lip.

"It's alright, really... I mean... you've already apologised and I know that you are rather impulsive. I take it you don't want to get rid of me or get me killed any longer?" the werewolf replied, meeting his eyes with sad ambers that Severus could barely bear the sight of.

"No, I never... I was... angry and... hurt. I didn't really think. I thought you had... but not anymore," he couldn't quite form a complete sentence but Remus was satisfied. He took Severus's hand into his and smiled a little.

"You see, Severus... you run from everything potentially positive as soon as it proves to be painful. But that's the wrong solution. You have to make an effort to receive the positive things, even if it hurts sometimes. And I hope you'll agree with me that all the pain was worth it?" he said softly and searched Severus's eyes. The Potions master looked down at their hands and thought back to the words the other had let him hear. He nodded then, meeting his eyes and Remus beamed.

"You must know that happiness doesn't come easily and it is not constant. There's always pain involved. But the pain makes the happiness what it is. If there were only pleasurable times in our lives then we wouldn't realise them as pleasurable. I guess there'll always be more negative times than positive ones, but if the pleasure is still worth the amount of pain we must endure for it, then I think we shouldn't be afraid to risk being hurt."

Severus had listened closely and being afraid of any kind of emotional pain, he was grateful for the encouraging and sensible words. Still it was difficult to go a step further every time, knowing that probably one day, there would be an end to pleasure. It always cost him an enormous amount of energy and an extreme effort to make a decision. Change was frightening, and so was the prospect of someone knowing him so well that he could easily destroy him. Trust was what he needed for it, trust was what he lacked.

It was only when he felt Remus's hands on his face that he snapped out of his thoughts to find him looking into his eyes with an amused expression in his own. "I guess," he whispered bringing their lips close together, "that I've already achieved a lot. You make me feel special when I'm with you, because I know that not everyone would have gotten so close to you."

"No one," Severus breathed and their lips met in a tender kiss that seemed to last for months. When they broke apart, panting, Severus felt a bit of the warmth remaining in his body as if it were a reward for his taking another step towards Remus. He threaded his fingers through the other's soft gold and silver hair and just had to ask him. The question was burning on his tongue.

"Why did you drink the tea?"

Remus's brow creased. "I think that I believed you would do the right thing. Or I hoped you would. Forgiving would have been far more difficult if you hadn't."

Severus leant back and nodded. He had trusted in him. Even though he had already been betrayed. That was something Severus could never give to him.

"That's silly," he mumbled and sipped on his tea when Remus leant forward to see his face.

"Probably," he replied. "But I didn't regret it."

"Maybe one day you will."

"Maybe."

There was a short silence between them until Remus touched Severus's arm to get his attention. "The Willow," he said and Severus raised an eyebrow. "The Whomping Willow, it smashed Harry's broom."

The Potions master rolled his eyes and got up. Not the boy again! "So what?" he snapped and was surprised to find the werewolf's hand on his shoulder, turning him a little so he was facing him.

"Can you tell me what happened, exactly?" he asked, his eyes somewhat guilty.

Severus heaved an annoyed sigh and shrugged. "I didn't see anything. The Dementors came onto the pitch and he fell, that's all I know. The wind must have blown his broom into the tree."

"You didn't see anything?"

Severus hesitated. "No," he then said slowly. "The Dementors..."

Remus stared at him for a moment and Severus knew he understood. "I'm glad I wasn't there," the werewolf muttered and looked out of the window. "On the other hand, maybe I could've helped Harry."

Severus shook his head. "Dumbledore did fine without anyone of us. You couldn't have done anything."

Remus's eyes narrowed and his fingers seized the fabric of Severus's robes tightly. "It's my fault that Harry's broom was destroyed. They planted that Willow because of me." Severus sighed. How silly to think such a thing. But then again, he had proven to feel silly things all along.

"You couldn't help it. Stop blaming yourself," he said and took Remus's hand into his, freeing his shoulder from the tight grip. "It should have been removed long ago."

"Still, I feel guilty," the werewolf replied, hanging his head. When he looked into Severus's eyes again it seemed as if he needed to talk to someone about something important and he confirmed Severus's suspicion by saying, "Harry said that... May I tell you about it?"

The Potions master rolled his eyes again, unwilling to hear any of it but he nodded, throwing up his arms in despair. Remus smiled slightly but in the next moment his face was stern again. "He told me about what he hears when the Dementors draw near. Not that I hadn't guessed, I told him that he was not weak no matter what anyone said, that what he has experienced was far worse than most can imagine. But after I had assured him that, he told me that he could hear his mother - Lily - being... murdered by Lord Voldemort."

Severus flinched a little at the name. He hated it when people said it, as if it were especially bold to do so. Well it was of course, if you weren't afraid to die a painful death. He turned away from Remus and folded his arms. "Don't say his name," he hissed and felt the other's startled look on him. "You know as well as I do what happened to those who did. Those who were especially brave. They were the ones to die the most agonising deaths."

Remus stepped closer to him and he heard the rustling of his robes. "I know. But... he is not in the position to kill me now. As soon as he is, I will stop saying his name."

"You shouldn't get used to it at all. It is difficult to change a habit. The Dark Lord wanted the wizarding world to be so afraid of him that they wouldn't even speak his name. It was very clever of him to use his name to track those down that weren't afraid enough yet. Leaving an example for all the others," Severus said quietly, then he continued in a sneer, "It would be a pity if your exceptional bravery made you one of those examples next time."

Remus kept silent for a while and Severus knew he didn't agree. "You call him 'the Dark Lord'. I call him by his name. So we both do something that the other doesn't like," he said finally and Severus turned to look at him angrily.

"I call him that because I need to. Because I have never called him differently while being his follower and a spy. What if I need to go back to being that?" he snapped.

Remus shook his head. "I know but... it is the name Death Eaters use. It sounds as if you were looking up to him. He doesn't deserve that. You should look down upon him. I used his name in the war because I was not afraid, and I survived. I will do the same in the future. Please respect that. Just as I respect your point of view."

Severus stared at him for a moment. He didn't like it. Partly it was worry and partly it was fear that maybe somewhere out there, he was still hearing his name when uttered. And Severus didn't want Remus to be one of his victims. He turned away again and huffed, frustrated. Those who were brave insisted on their bravery no matter how silly or dangerous it was. But then again, that was the exact definition of bravery. And of a Gryffindor. Silly and unafraid of any danger whatsoever. "Just don't say his name in my presence," he said and when Remus wanted to protest he continued, "You were saying? The boy told you...?"

The werewolf sighed. "As I was saying, Harry hears his mother dying. I had figured out that much of course but hearing it from his mouth was... just terrible and painful. The poor boy has gone through so much and now... And I couldn't even comfort him properly, what with my being a complete stranger to him apart from being his teacher," he paused for a moment, apparently fighting against a sob that was crawling up his throat. Severus supposed it must be hard on him that the boy he had known since he was a baby, who was the son of his best friends, all that was left of the happy times, didn't know who he was, didn't know that he had suffered the same loss as him, didn't see in him more than in any other teacher. "Anyway... he asked me if I could show him how to fight Dementors and I said I would, after the holidays, so I'm going to teach him the Patronus Charm."

Severus whirled round to face him. "You what?" he snapped and Remus's eyes widened in surprise. "You cannot do that. You of all people. Favouring a student, this student! Albus won't tolerate that."

The werewolf sat down on the back rest of the sofa, considering Severus's angry figure. "I don't know about that... I feel obliged somehow. As if it were my duty -"

"It's not! You have no obligations toward that boy! To him you're just another teacher! As if he deserved your attention..." Severus contradicted him angrily causing Remus to narrow his eyes at him. "What?" Severus growled, feeling as if the other were taking him apart with his eyes.

Shaking his head, Remus put his hands into his pockets. "What makes you so angry at Harry? And now don't say, that he's being cheeky to you, as far as I've heard, you've disliked him from the very beginning."

Severus didn't want to talk about his reasons. Wasn't his being Severus's tormentor's son reason enough? But Remus knew that that wasn't all. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked. And that knowing was what made Severus speak. And it was a relief to finally do so.

"I was the one who told the Dark Lord about the Prophecy," he burst out. "I -" he hesitated when Remus's eyes became unfathomable, and his brow creased. "Every time I look at the boy, I feel the guilt. And yet I hate him. I hate him for being Potter's son. And I hate him for the fact that it was my fault that his parents died. He is a living reminder of it. I just cannot bear the guilt. That is why... that is why I loathe him."

Remus just stared as if he had to let his words sink in before commenting on them. The silence stretched to an unbearable length and Severus, not daring to touch the other but unable to keep looking at him without it, turned away, walking over to the window. He steadied himself on the windowsill, gazing out over the dark grounds, wishing, pleading for a reaction from the werewolf.

"You couldn't have known, could you?" Remus's mild voice finally - finally - sounded over to him. "You didn't tell him that he needed to kill the Potters. You didn't know. And... and you told Dumbledore about it, didn't you?"

Severus nodded at the other's reflection in the glass but he felt bitter none the less, the guilt eating him up inside. He longed for Remus's touch now, but he couldn't ask for it. "I changed sides then... But... still, if it hadn't been for me -"

"Of course you made a mistake. But it wasn't entirely your fault, Severus. Many aspects added up to a catastrophe. And thanks to you, Lily and James knew beforehand that... he wanted to kill them. They could go into hiding thanks to you. What happened afterwards wasn't your fault," Remus said quietly and Severus didn't comprehend why he was so understanding, so calm and soothing with the man who had cost his friends their lives. He felt terrible because of it. He buried his face in his hands and didn't even hear Remus approaching him before he closed his arms around his waist, laying his head onto his back between his shoulder blades. Now that the touch was there, it was too painful to bear. "Don't blame yourself for things that were inevitable. Things that happened long ago."

Severus turned, wrenching himself away from the other man. "Why are you like that? Why don't you shout at me, throw me out? Curse me? Why don't you hate me?" he shouted desperately. Any of that would be easier to bear than this, he thought.

Remus's eyes were sad and he looked very hurt, not by Severus, though. With him. "Is that what you want? Would it make you feel better? If I punished you for what you did?" he asked in barely more than a whisper. "I don't want to punish you, Severus. Those wounds healed over long ago and now yours should, too. I have lost all of my friends. Not because you betrayed them, but because one of them betrayed all of us. What you did wasn't betrayal since you weren't one of us then, and you didn't mean for them to die. You didn't tell him to kill them, he chose to do so. Nor did you kill them yourself. You didn't understand what kind of information you were giving to him. Other than their Secret Keeper and best friend. I will not give you up because of it. Don't ask me to hate you because I won't. Of course this knowledge is painful but stop putting all the blame on yourself. You have punished yourself enough. Now it is time to forgive, Severus. It is time for you to leave all that behind you and think of all the good things you did to atone for it. I don't want to see you suffer. You don't deserve it."

I don't deserve you, Severus thought, his hands shaking. He didn't deserve any of this. "When I brought Dumbledore the information I begged for my life like a helpless child. I thought he would kill me so hateful - so disgusted - did he look down on me... He didn't do it. I would have deserved it. Probably he didn't think me worth the curse."

"He gave you a chance," said Remus and his brows knitted.

Severus gave him a sharp look. "He wanted to see if I was of any use... if I wanted to bring a message from the Dark Lord. He only didn't kill me afterwards because he found me a good spy."

Remus shook his head. "He cares about you."

"I am a tool nothing more," said Severus darkly and averted his eyes.

"Not to me," replied Remus firmly.

"I am not a good person, no matter what you say, and you know it. So tell me: How can you be so good to me?" he whispered, defeated, leaning against the mantelpiece. I've never met a better person than you. When Remus came closer Severus knew he didn't have the right to want him. That he should be ashamed of himself for letting this happen. But he did want him, he wanted him to comfort him and to tell him that he wasn't the one who should feel guilty, that he couldn't have changed it and that it wasn't only his fault. He wanted him to soothe him and to hold him and to make him feel a little better, mending another part of his mutilated soul. And he couldn't help but let it happen when the werewolf pulled him down, embracing him warmly, caressing his back in soothing circles accompanied by just as soothing words.

"Because I know that you are not a bad person, either. There's always grey in between black and white. Actually, I think everyone is some shade of grey. And even though, or maybe because you confessed to me all the things that make you black I know that you are not. I know you, that's why I fell in love, you see?" he said softly and Severus laid his arms around him very tightly. "Such a powerful feeling is not easily destroyed. And even if it were, there would always be a shadow left of it. Some piece that remains. And even though you might not realise it, you are good to me, as well."

The Potions master let himself be held for a very long time, just standing there in front of the window, enjoying the warmth, realising to his surprise that solace, which he had never known and never believed in, was indeed more effective than punishment, which he had indulged in excessively to relieve the guilt. Far more effective. And far more relieving. Especially in his arms. When they finally let go of each other their tea had turned cold and the tears on Remus's face had dried without Severus even noticing that they had been shed. He was sure then that even the strongest potion, creating the most blissful illusion, could not create anything quite like this.

"This isn't an illusion?"

I would know if it were, wouldn't I?

"If anything is real, it is this."

Yes, I definitely would.

"Silly Gryffindor."

There are so many things I would like to tell you but cannot say.

"And I take pride in it."

Nobody is only black or white. Only you. White as the blinding light of the sun. White and warm. The rest of us is grey.