The Teacher

Additions to Disclaimer: The dialogues taken from PoA are not mine, I just borrowed them.

The Truth

On Sunday and Monday Severus slammed the Wolfsbane Potion down on the staff room table in front of the werewolf, making him flinch and look up at him, startled. On both occasions the Gryffindor tried to talk to him but Severus didn't listen, just swept off and back into his dungeons where he was brewing furiously, attempting to tear his mind away from the other. He neither wanted to see him nor to talk to him. Ever again. Or that was what he told himself. Inside he was absolutely indecisive and torn between his desire to be with the werewolf and his anger and disappointment about what he had done.

He couldn't bear all those emotions at once, he needed the werewolf to leave so he could continue his life alone and untroubled as he had used to before he had been overpowered by the Gryffindor's charm. But then again he didn't want to go back to that life. He wanted to go back to the intimacy. He wanted to go back to the werewolf's gentle hand touching his soul. No not only touching, changing it, healing it. Making him feel as if he were perfect the way he was. In his presence he had been able to be himself. All the things he had wanted, the werewolf had given to him.

And taken from him again. Severus almost broke the glass phial he was holding. Now he understood how two opposing feelings could live in one and the same moment in one and the same body. Even though he didn't look forward to an again lonely life, it was better than this state of painful emotional distress. So he was positively surprised when the Headmaster visited him in his quarters in the evening of the full moon, bringing him papers from Remus and announcing that he would be the one to teach his classes while he was still not feeling up to it.

"You will cover all his classes, that means, only if you feel capable of it, Severus," Albus said, looking at him over his half moon spectacles. Severus looked through the papers, written in the werewolf's untidy hand, and nodded.

"Of course, Headmaster. I'm glad I can help," he said silkily, trying not to give away his delight over the task. But Albus looked concerned.

"Is everything alright between the two of you?" he asked with a stern face. "You seemed rather angry at him. And poor Remus was so upset when he gave me those papers. He seems to think that you don't want to see him. Otherwise he would have brought them to you personally."

Severus glowered at him. "He's right. But that shouldn't be a surprise for you, Headmaster. Though, obviously you don't want to hear any of it, I do not trust him. And I do not like him."

I'm addicted to him, he thought to himself defiantly. That had nothing to do with liking him. He had never liked him. He didn't give a damn about him. He had been trying to convince himself of it for two days already. With no chance of success. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be so angry. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have made an effort to impress him or to make him like him. He did care. He more than liked him. And he wished there were a potion to get rid of all emotion. But there wasn't. He had already passed the point of no return and he knew it. There was a way, though, of getting rid of his problems' cause. A way that wouldn't land him in Azkaban. The only thing he needed for it was just one student smart enough to count one and one together... That shouldn't be a problem, should it?

After the full moon, Severus didn't visit the werewolf to bring him an Invigorating Draught. He had no interest in checking up on him or being in the same room with him altogether. He wanted him to suffer, and maybe the lack of such a potion would keep him away from work a little longer than if he received one. From Tuesday on, Severus taught his classes and was amused by the way most of them reacted. They shuffled in expecting that amiable ever-smiling moron and who was waiting for them? Their loathed, menacing Potions Professor. Their silly faces were very amusing indeed. In every class he found an excuse to cover werewolves. How to recognise them in human form. He gave all of them an essay on the topic. Especially Potter's class was entertaining. It started with Potter storming in ten minutes late, apologising to his DADA Professor who wasn't there at all until he caught sight of Severus sitting behind the teacher's desk.

"This lesson began ten minutes ago, Potter, so I think we'll make it ten points from Gryffindor. Sit down," Severus said, enjoying the shocked look on the blasted boy's face. But he didn't go to his seat, instead he said, "Where's Professor Lupin?"

Severus's stomach churned unpleasantly and he wanted to curse the boy for speaking the werewolf's name, he wanted to hurt the boy for making him feel guilty. He gave him a smirk, which would barely stay on his face and replied, "He says he is feeling too ill to teach today. I believe I told you to sit down?"

But still the boy didn't comply. "What's wrong with him?" he asked and Severus grew angrier, it was none of his concern.

"Nothing life-threatening," the Potions master replied and wished Potter would catch something deadly. "Five more points from Gryffindor, and if I have to ask you to sit down again, it will be fifty." Severus hoped dearly for the boy to grant him the pleasure of taking the points from him but he didn't, instead he walked to his seat slowly and sat down.

Throughout the lesson Severus discredited Remus's teaching skills as well as he could and bullied Granger and Weasley, taking points from her and giving him detention for their disrespect. He gave the class an essay on how to recognise and kill werewolves, demanding two rolls of parchment from them just to annoy them. Maybe the know-it-all's insufferable intelligence would be useful for once.

On the day of the first Quidditch match the werewolf still hadn't recovered and Severus was a little worried despite himself. He refused to look after him though, instead he strained his ears at breakfast to overhear a conversation between Albus and McGonagall.

"- has caught a cold on top of everything. He seems to be especially weak against those after the full moon. When I visited him he could barely sit up in his bed," Albus said and it sent a guilty chill through Severus. He shook his head at himself. The werewolf deserved it. Yes, definitely!

"The poor boy," the witch replied with pity in her voice. "I hope he'll get well soon. Won't Severus make him a potion?"

Severus scowled at his plate. No, he wouldn't waste his ingredients! "I'm afraid, they seem to have a few differences which Severus is unwilling to overcome," the Headmaster said and Severus got up to leave the Great Hall in angry strides. The guilt started to grow stronger than the anger but that made him even angrier at himself.

Severus exited the castle and climbed the stairs on the Quidditch pitch where he was soon joined by the other teachers. The game didn't interest him much, Gryffindor was playing Hufflepuff and as usual he wished for Potter to fall off his broom. But suddenly, when Diggory and Potter were chasing after the Snitch, the air turned icy cold. Even though it was raining and a strong wind was blowing, this coldness was extreme and he knew what it meant. The stadium fell silent and Severus leant forward to see countless Dementors gliding over the pitch down below.

He felt terrible all of a sudden, just like he had the other day when he had come back from Hogsmeade passing them at the gates. But this time it was even worse. He fell back into his seat, holding his head, squeezing his eyes shut when he saw the werewolf's sad eyes, his pained face, when he felt the hands on his chest, pushing him away, over and over again, mixed with images of his childhood and the war, of all the frightened faces pleading for mercy, of the disgusted looks on everyone's faces, even Albus's, Remus's voice telling him to stop and the laughter... He was filled with guilt and pain and could have screamed. It was hard not to pass out. And then it was over.

Severus raised his head slowly, carefully, shaking slightly, and looked round. The other teachers were staring down onto the pitch, Albus was gone and Severus had the feeling that his wish had come true and Potter had fallen off his broom. If he couldn't withstand one Dementor then he certainly couldn't do it when there were a hundred. Severus blinked a few times and tried to suppress the foolish urge to run up to Remus's rooms and throw himself into his arms. He got up onto shaky legs and walked to the stairs to descend onto the ground. He could see Albus a few feet away hurrying towards the castle with a stretcher before him. Probably it was Potter who was lying on it, unconscious. The Potions master was a little disorientated when he made his way back to the castle on wobbly knees.

After he had arrived in his quarters and locked the doors behind him, Severus stripped his wet robes and fell into his bed, pulling the covers over himself. He was still shaking and cold sweat was running over his face. The guilt was overwhelming. He couldn't bear it. And he couldn't bear the pain Remus's rejection had left inside him. He had been stupid to let the werewolf get to him. But he couldn't make it undone. And he wasn't sure if he wanted to. He hugged the covers to his chest, pretending it was the werewolf, deciding not to be ashamed of his pathetic behaviour just for now.

He stayed in bed all day and when evening drew nearer he drifted off into a restless sleep. On Sunday he woke early and went into the Great Hall which was almost empty. As the other teachers came in one by one Severus was relieved that the werewolf wasn't among them. He would have to avoid the other as well as he could to keep the pain away that he felt when seeing his face. Albus's twinkling eyes, which were fixed on him, made him get up and leave as soon as he had finished his toast, taking his coffee with him. He didn't want to explain to the Headmaster why exactly he didn't look after the werewolf even though he knew that he must be much worse than after the last full moon. He just wanted to forget all that. To shake off the Dementors' influence.

In his office he brooded over the homework he had given his seventh years at the beginning of the week, reading the same sentence six times, not taking in a word of it. He still felt terrible and he couldn't think of anything but the fact that the werewolf had hurt him and probably used him and that he had been right in the beginning about the dangers of such a relationship. He wished dearly that he could just hate him, but he couldn't. He was desperate. A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts and he knocked over his cup of coffee, cursing.

"Yes?" he said irritably, cleaning up the mess, and the door creaked open to reveal a worn Remus Lupin, looking quite sick and pale with dark rings under his eyes like on the day after the Blue Moon. Severus rose from his chair with an angry expression. "What are you doing here?" he growled. The werewolf seemed completely unimpressed as he closed the door behind himself and walked to the desk.

"I wanted to talk to you," he said in a raspy voice and watched Severus striding to the door to throw him out.

"I think I will do without that!" he snapped and opened the door again, pointing out into the passageway. Remus sighed but didn't move.

"Why won't you listen to me?" he asked in an impatient voice.

"If you don't leave, I'll lock you in here!" Severus replied crossly and finally the other man followed him out of the office. Severus locked the door and made his way downstairs to his lab. Remus didn't give up, though.

"Please, Severus, I want to know why you're angry at me!" he called after him, trying to catch up with him.

"You ask why? Isn't that obvious?" Severus snapped and continued on without looking back.

"Severus, just let me explain, listen to me, please, just for a second!" the werewolf said, sounding desperate and irritated at the same time.

"I am sorry, but I do not have any interest in listening to you. Leave me alone!"

"Do I have to make a step vanish to make you listen to me?" the werewolf said loudly and Severus stopped in his tracks so that the other could barely avoid a collision. That had been a raw nerve. Severus turned round and glared down at the Gryffindor who was staring back at him, not in the slightest intimidated. Suddenly something occurred to him. It would be so easy to trick the naïve fool into drinking a cup of tea without even getting suspicious of what might be in it.

"Very well," he said slowly. "Follow me." He led him into his laboratory and from there into his sitting room. He showed him to an armchair and offered him a cup of tea which he made behind his back, summoning a phial of Veritaserum without making a sound. He added a drop of it to Remus's Earl Grey and set the cup down in front of him. Then he sat down opposite him and watched the werewolf glance through his sitting room.

"So," he said when a few moments had passed in silence. "You wanted me to listen?"

Remus took the cup into his hands but didn't drink from it. His face was stern when he said, "Why are you angry at me exactly?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "You know why! You let Black into the castle, why don't you just admit it?" He didn't want to tell him that he felt terrible because of his rejection. He wouldn't humiliate himself even more. But now as ever, Remus knew exactly right what was going on inside of him.

"That's not it. First off, I didn't let him in. Secondly, I think that actually you are so furious because I pushed you away on Saturday. It was then that you started distancing yourself again," he said and Severus knew that he couldn't deny it. He hesitated for a moment.

"You didn't mean any of it, did you? You only wanted to distract me, gain my trust so that you could let Black in unhindered," his voice was shaking when he said it, not with anger, but with pain and sadness. "You pushed me away because you couldn't bear me being close to you!"

Remus stared at him and to Severus's astounding the surprise in his eyes seemed real. He set down the cup again and his brow furrowed. "That's what you think, Severus?" he whispered in a strange voice. "You think I used you? You think I had enough of you?"

Severus felt uncertain suddenly but he kept his expression cold. "I... let you in... And you..." he replied quietly but he couldn't continue. It was too hard, too awkward to say the words.

"You think I threw it away?" Remus asked, and Severus bit his bottom lip. "Oh, Severus... that's not true."

"But -"

"That happens because you never listen to me!" Remus interrupted him in a firm voice. "You always run off without listening and you don't give me a chance to explain. I didn't use you. And I certainly didn't let Sirius Black into the castle to kill Harry. If I had, wouldn't it have been especially stupid to do it on Hallowe'en? And wouldn't it have been just as stupid to push you away, making you suspicious on that very day?"

Severus stared. He had a point of course. But still, he had rejected him. And he had called the madman's name. And it didn't surprise him that a Gryffindor was stupid, most of all two Gryffindors... not this Gryffindor, though.

"I didn't want to hurt you, Severus. On the contrary," Remus continued in a much softer voice. "I didn't mean to hurt you or to give you the feeling that I didn't want you around me. I would never throw away what you have given to me. It is precious and I feel honoured to receive it. I felt so much worse after this full moon than after the one before that, not only because you didn't come but because I was scared that you'd never come again. I could barely bring myself to get up all week. And believe me, I am not exaggerating."

The Potions master folded his arms. He didn't know what to say. The werewolf seemed sincere and actually Severus's will to mistrust him was shrinking like his hatred had weeks before. But the pain was still there and therefore the will to know the truth. The real truth, not just a supposed truth. Why didn't Remus touch his tea?

"Why did you reject me, if not because you dislike me?" Severus asked defiantly and was surprised to see Remus avert his eyes as if he felt ashamed.

"Because I feel quite the contrary for you," the werewolf muttered and met his black eyes again. "It was close to the full moon, very close, and in those times I feel the presence and the instincts of the wolf very clearly. Usually I don't let them come to the surface but round the full moon I don't have myself under control sometimes, especially when I'm confronted with strong emotions."

Severus narrowed his eyes, and Remus gave him a weak smile. "I enjoyed your touch. I enjoyed it a little too much at that moment and I... don't feel comfortable when the wolf is so dominant. I... you see, Severus I didn't want to hurt you or behave in any other repelling way. I wanted to make sure you didn't leave me. I was afraid of losing you. I still am. Little could I know that you would run off anyway," he paused and swallowed, shaking his hair out of his eyes and folding his hands. "You might call me silly, maybe I am but..." he chuckled nervously and Severus felt a nice tingling run through his body at the sound. "I pushed you away because I have fallen in love with you."

Those words had such an impact on Severus that he stopped breathing and gaped at the werewolf for a very long moment until he ran out of air. He could barely trust his ears. Had he really just heard him say that? He couldn't remember that anyone had ever said that to him. His heart raced and he was sure he had blushed. And he so wished for it to be the truth, he wanted to believe it and actually he did. It was one of the best feelings he had ever had. Remus smiled slightly when he watched Severus search for words and air, sitting up straight in his armchair and running a shaking hand through his hair.

"You... you mean..." he stammered and he wasn't ashamed of it this time because he thought he had all reason to stammer.

"Yes, I do. It's the truth. Maybe I should have told you earlier, but the full moon got in the way," Remus said and obviously he didn't expect an answer from the Potions master. Had just wanted him to know. Severus was absolutely speechless. He didn't know how the werewolf could feel for him like that but... but it was pure bliss to know that he did. And he didn't need any Veritaserum to believe him that he had indeed spoken the truth. He froze at the thought. Remus had just taken his cup into his hands again and was about to put his lips to the rim when Severus cried, "Don't drink it!"

Remus's startled eyes shot up to meet his, and he lowered the cup in surprise. "What is it?" he asked and when he saw Severus's guilty expression, realisation dawned on his face. "You put something into it, didn't you?" he said quietly and Severus averted his eyes, feeling ashamed. "What is it?" His voice was so calm that Severus felt an unpleasant chill in his stomach.

"Veritaserum," he muttered and felt the other's eyes boring into him.

"You wanted me to drink truth serum? What for? To find out what I know about Sirius?" he sounded disappointed and it pained Severus. He had known it was wrong. But he had thought that the werewolf had betrayed him, so...

"I was -"

"You were suspecting me, of course. That justifies it, doesn't it?" Remus interrupted him again. "You want the truth Severus? You can have it!" And with that he drank the whole of the tea in one gulp, slamming the cup back down into its saucer almost shattering both. Severus stared at him incredulously. "Now you can ask me anything you like. Go ahead, ask me about Sirius, or about my feelings for you. Ask me whether I spoke the truth!"

The werewolf seemed very angry and Severus felt tempted. But he didn't want to ask him anything. He didn't want to break his trust even more. And most of all, he didn't want to ask him if he really loved him when under the influence of Veritaserum. That was something that he wanted to believe, something that he didn't need a confirmation for, none but the other's word and his behaviour. It would lose its magic if he asked him for the answer now. And it would destroy the precious connection between them if he did. He knew that he hadn't lied. He just knew. And that was a feeling that he didn't want to spoil after having spoilt so much between them already. He wanted to do something right for a change. Save even the tiniest chance of being forgiven.

"No," he said and Remus looked taken aback. "I won't ask you anything. Just go back to your rooms and don't talk to anyone for three hours until the effect wears off."

Remus rose from his armchair and gave him a very disappointed look. "How could you, Severus?" he asked and turned round, exiting the Potions master's quarters in long strides, leaving him behind, face in his hands, shame making his conscience even worse than it already was. He had wanted the truth. And the truth was that all along he had been the one hurting Remus and not the other way around. The truth was that he was being loved and could only return anger and coldness. And the truth was that he needed Remus. And that he would not give him up.