The Teacher

Steps

Severus was watching him. He took pleasure in watching him. Studying him. Tracing his every outline with his eyes, memorising the soft curve of his jaw, the pale crook of his neck, his delicate fingers. Already when Lupin had entered the Great Hall with a yawn, late for breakfast as usual, Severus's eyes had followed his every step, his every graceful movement. Walking to his seat at the High Table, slowly and sleepily, his patched robes hanging loosely around his shoulders, Lupin had moved with such an extraordinary grace, that it had chained Severus's eyes to him with no chance of escape.

Lupin never looked up but Severus was sure he noticed his eyes on him. Once in a while the werewolf would rub his neck, and the sheepish smile would creep onto his face, making Severus's heart pound faster.

He couldn't stop thinking about the night before. After having returned to his quarters he had lain awake in his bed for several hours until it had been well past three o'clock in the morning, until the sweet taste of the tea had disappeared from his tongue. He had wondered whether Lupin had really wanted to kiss him. And if yes, then why hadn't he done it? And if he had, how would it have been?

In the end he had come to the conclusion that he should give up hope and stop imagining things that would never happen. He was tired of disappointments. Probably he had just mistaken a coincidental movement for something intentional. And still there was the doubt. The possibility. The hope. It was the hope that annoyed Severus most. It was a treacherous friend. It made the disappointment harder. Lessened the joy. Though he'd be grateful for any amount of joy. Even if it wasn't his own, but Lupin's

The effect that the supposed almost-kiss had had on Severus was wondrous. Suddenly he had those thoughts, daydreams even, of the werewolf kissing him, being as close to him as the day before when their knees had touched, sharing his warmth with him. And usually the thoughts stopped abruptly when Severus saw his own reflection in a mirror, a window, or the surface of a potion. Already that morning he had been violently disillusioned by the mirror in his bathroom, splashing water into his face to chase away the memory of the dream he had awoken from just a little too early. His cold, black and expressionless eyes had stared back at him and he had scowled at his own image. Large, hooked nose, lanky hair, sallow, white skin, his features grim, unfriendly, not to speak of his foul mouth, which the mirror couldn't show him, fortunately. As if Lupin would ever see anything in him. It had definitely been wishful thinking.

Still, there was that new smile, as if it were awkward for Lupin to have Severus's stare on him. The Potions master didn't know what to think anymore. It was all too much for him to handle. Besides, such hopes and dreams were foolish. Were out of place in his mind. Finally he managed to tear his eyes away from the werewolf, deciding that it didn't help him clear his mind if he stared at the other's lips. He got up, leaving his unfinished toast behind, choosing to go for a walk in the grounds. Fresh air might be helpful to free his mind from those troubling thoughts.

When Severus was passing the edge of the Forbidden Forest, he saw Hagrid at the door of his hut, picking up a branch for Fang to fetch, throwing it into Severus's direction. The Potions master ducked out of the way when the piece of wood sped towards him and looked after it, watching it crash into a tree which swayed slightly at the collision. He didn't turn in time to see Fang galloping towards him, running into him and knocking him over.

Hagrid shouted at Fang while he ran towards Severus, who had fallen onto the ground, pressing a hand to his aching back where Fang had hit him.

"Pr'fessor Snape, sir, 'm sorry," the half-giant panted, lifting Severus up by his arms before he could protest. "St'pid dog! 'M tr'ly sorry, sir."

Severus looked down at himself. His robes were smeared with soil all over and he was sure he looked as if he had been in a fight with an especially nasty Niffler. He held his dirty hands up, shaking his head. Hopefully nobody had seen that.

"'ll help yeh clean this up!" Hagrid muttered, pulling a giant handkerchief out of his pocket but Severus whipped out his wand quickly.

"No need, Hagrid. I can do this by myself," he said coolly and with a swish of his wand his robes were dirt-free again.

"Sorry again, Pr'fessor," Hagrid mumbled and Severus couldn't help but notice his uncharacteristic worry.

"It is fine," he replied and was about to leave when Hagrid said, "Yeh know Lucius Malfoy, don' yeh, sir?"

Severus narrowed his eyes at him. "Yes," he said slowly.

"Whaddeyeh think he'll do? 'Cause o' his son?" Hagrid asked in a fearful voice.

Severus met his beady eyes with his own cold stare. "The worst he can. That's what he does best," he said truthfully and felt sincerely sorry for the half-giant, who hung his head desperately.

"Couldn' yeh talk ter him?" he almost pleaded.

Fang prodded his nose into Severus's side demanding a pat but the Potions master just shook his head at them both. "I'm afraid he won't listen to me, Hagrid."

He turned then, and made his way back to the castle where there were no huge dogs who could throw him over and no half-giants who would leave him with a bad conscience.

But there were werewolves who would bring back the moment to his mind. The moment of peaceful silence, shared after a full moon, the moment of battling desire and fear, the moment of touching fingers and touching souls and the moment in which the other had - or had not - leant in to kiss him. And now Lupin was walking towards him through the Entrance Hall and Severus didn't notice at all how he straightened his back, trying to make himself taller to look more impressive to the other man.

"Good morning, Severus," Lupin said with a smile, stopping beside him. Severus just nodded. "Is there something you wanted to discuss with me?"

The Potions master looked at him in confusion. "What gives you the idea?"

The werewolf shrugged. "You were looking at me, weren't you? I thought there might be a reason for it."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "It would be far more interesting to learn why you didn't look up when you noticed me looking at you," he said silkily trying to make Lupin reveal what he was hiding behind that sheepish smile of his. The other didn't answer, just rubbed his neck again. It was so curious.

"You are hurt, aren't you?" Lupin said quietly, stepping closer to him, laying his hand on Severus's back quite unexpectedly. The touch made him feel hot and his heart pounded faster again. He hoped Lupin's hand would stay there forever but he tried not to show it in his face. The aching ceased as if absorbed by the other's hand.

Looking down at the werewolf's concerned face Severus felt a strong urge to run his fingers along the faint scar on his jaw, raising his hand. But before he had even lifted it past his waist he stopped dead, seeing his own reflection in those beautifully golden eyes. As if Lupin would want to touch him like that, as if he would want to be touched by him. Coincidences and wrong interpretations had misled him, had made him hope for something that just couldn't be there. He grew angry at the thought. Friendship was all he could expect, nothing more. He'd be a fool to think that Remus Lupin would want him like Severus wanted him.

In his anger he batted the other's hand away with a hissed "Don't!" making him flinch and leaving him behind when he strode towards the dungeons. His conscience was getting heavier still.

For the rest of the day Severus avoided Lupin, which was a huge step backwards. He turned on his heel whenever he saw him, ignoring his calls, squeezing his eyes shut, pressing his lips together. He didn't want to ignore him but somehow he had the feeling that he had really hurt the other this time and he wasn't up to facing him; he was feeling ashamed. And now he had probably lost all the chances that might have been there to receive even more intimacy from the werewolf. And he needed that intimacy so much, now that he'd felt it.

The spot where Fang had rammed and Lupin had touched him was throbbing painfully. As if to punish him for his insensitive behaviour and his enormous stupidity. He had known that he would spoil it. After his anger had ceased Severus had wondered whether so many coincidences were even possible, Lupin's search for closeness for example, the touching of fingers now and then, the contact of their knees, the hand on his back. Then he thought that probably Lupin was just the type for that sort of affection, that it didn't have anything to do with himself at all. But had he ever touched anyone else? Minerva or Flitwick? Severus couldn't recall that he had. He ended up seizing fistfuls of his hair in frustration and helplessness. The easiest way would have been to just ask him, but Severus didn't have the bravery to do so. And what should he say, anyway? He didn't have any words. Legilimency was a possibility... but that would be wrong. He could barely believe that he cared about that, but he did, so he couldn't intrude into the other's mind by force either. His situation was desperate.

And now in the middle of the night, when normal people were asleep, Severus, who was in an extraordinarily bad mood, had to patrol the corridors to make sure that no student was out of bed after curfew. Severus dearly hoped for someone to bully at the moment and then, suddenly, he heard a noise. It had come from the top of the hidden staircase that he had just passed, so he swiftly slipped past the tapestry into the staircase and peered through the darkness, wand at the ready. Then he saw a tall thin form at the top of the stairs making its way down towards Severus who proceeded a few steps up skipping the one that vanished when treaded.

"Stop!" Severus snapped and lifted his wand. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

The form stopped and then very suddenly started down the stairs again much faster than before.

"I said stop!" Severus repeated more loudly this time and held the light of his wand into the other's face. It was Lupin.

"Severus?" the werewolf asked never slowing his pace and Severus took a step backwards to prevent a collision; just as his brain had sent the order to move to his foot he realised that the next step was the vanishing one and tried to hop over it waving his arms wildly. But it was too late. Severus tumbled backwards and his leg sank into the stairs. He was stuck.

Severus moaned. Did this have to happen in front of the werewolf of all people? The one person in front of whom he didn't want to look ridiculous. Fortune was obviously not very fond of him today.

"Severus!" Lupin exclaimed hurrying to his side and crouching down to be on eyelevel with him. "Are you alright?" he asked with obvious worry and Severus rolled his eyes.

"Do I look alright, Lupin?" he snarled, angry more at himself than at the werewolf, struggling to free himself from this awkward situation. When he realised it was in vain he looked darkly at Lupin who simply sat there and stared at Severus with a frown. "Would you care to help me out of here?" Severus growled and tried not to show the pain in his leg on his face.

"Sure..." Lupin answered but didn't move even one inch.

Severus grew impatient. "Now? Or shall I stay here like this all night?"

Lupin snapped out of what seemed to have been some kind of trance and shook his head. "No, not all night. Maybe just a few more minutes," he said and Severus looked at him in confusion. "You see I just noticed how handy this step is: since it's holding you captive, you cannot run from me and have to listen."

So now was the moment Severus had dreaded. The moment when Lupin told him how very disappointed he was in him and that he regretted ever having believed that they could become -

"I'm sorry," the werewolf interrupted his thoughts, startling him thoroughly. Why in Merlin's name was he apologising? "If I did anything wrong, anything that might have angered you, then I apologise and I hope that we can just forget about it because I still have so much of that tea left."

Severus stared. He felt awful suddenly, being apologised to although he had been the one hurting Lupin. "Why on earth do you think you've angered me?" he asked incredulously and Lupin raised his eyebrows.

"I... don't know. I thought maybe you didn't like my touching you," he replied in an uncertain voice.

Severus shook his head. "It was not you who angered me."

Lupin sighed in relief and it seemed to Severus that he had been worrying a great deal about the matter. The Potions master really wasn't very skilled at making interpersonal relationships work.

"Then you will share that tea with me? Somehow I don't want to drink it when I'm alone. It's much more enjoyable when you are there," Lupin said quietly and a blush crept onto his face. Severus considered him for a long moment, barely trusting his ears. Enjoyable.

"Why aren't you angry with me?" he asked and Lupin smiled his sweet smile.

"You are difficult, Severus. If I got angry at you every time you behaved like today, I wouldn't be able to live peacefully," he answered with a husky chuckle and Severus felt his stomach grow fuzzy again. "I'll try to understand why you did it, though."

Severus looked away to prevent the other from searching his eyes for the answer. "It is... not important," he said in a voice that gave away his lie so clearly that he wished he could kick himself. Lying to the Gryffindor seemed to become impossible.

"I see," Lupin said and Severus looked at him again taking in the sight of him. His delicate features disturbed only by the several scars on his milky-white skin, and the thin, small frame, covered by the old and torn robes, his honey hair, falling into his face, glowing. In the dim light of Severus's wand Lupin looked rather peaceful and his eyes had that warm shine about them, like fluid caramel. He looked truly beautiful. Severus couldn't believe his own thoughts.

"You want to continue this... relationship, then?" Severus asked, careful not to sound too desperate.

"Relationship?" the other smiled and raised his eyebrows, looking as though he was happy about the term he had used to describe the connection between them.

"Well, yes, I looked it up," Severus said with as much sarcasm in his voice as he could manage while speaking the absolute truth. "A relationship is defined by frequent interactions, emotional attachment and a state of being connected. Which applies to us, if I am not very much mistaken."

The impact of those words was ridiculously strong. Lupin's eyes had widened to an extent that it made Severus wonder when they'd fall out and the werewolf looked as if Severus had just told him that he had found a potion to cure Lycanthropy. "Emotional attachment?" he asked softly, as if he would wake himself from a very nice dream if he said it too loudly.

"Merlin! Don't cling to every word!" Severus growled, embarrassed to the bone. But Lupin just beamed at him. Obviously he had looked into his eyes for too long a moment; how was he going to get out of this? But the beam suited Lupin. At least he wasn't worried anymore.

"I thought you didn't want me as a friend," the werewolf muttered, putting on the sheepish grin again, but this time it pierced Severus's heart and the fuzzy feeling changed into a churning. All hope drained from him and he felt awfully miserable. Idiot, he scolded himself, you shouldn't have been hoping at all.

"You were right," Severus said and fixed his eyes on a pebble on the ground. "I don't want you as a friend." But if being your friend is what I have to do to be able to be with you, I will be it. If friendship is all I will receive from you, then I will take it with appreciation. But being without you is what I cannot endure. He wished he could say it, but he couldn't and he hoped Lupin knew.

But when he felt Lupin's hurt look on him he wanted to give up his efforts since he would never be able to make this work without the capability of opening his mouth. And probably it would be a torture for both of them. He struggled again to get out of his painful prison and this time Lupin seized his arm and tried to pull him up. It wasn't easy getting out of the trap due to his throbbing leg and the little possibilities to hold on to. An accident was guaranteed. Lupin slipped off the edge of the step he was standing on and with a yelp of pain he fell onto Severus whose leg went all the way back down into the vanished step, his wand clattering down the stairs. The Potions master stifled a cry as his head collided with the wall and he tried to fight his anger back down when he opened his mouth to tell Lupin how much of a clumsy idiot he was. But he never got to say it because the first thing he saw after looking up, was the werewolf lying on top of him with his face barely an inch away and his eyes shining through the darkness which now engulfed them with a strange light that Severus had never before seen in them.

Lupin was so close that Severus could feel his breath on his face and smell his scent all around him, chocolate and liquorice and the white tea. Severus inhaled this odour and almost closed his eyes in enjoyment. The warmth Lupin spread through his body was pleasant. When had it been? The last time he had been so close to someone? And could they compare to Lupin? Him being so close felt great and Severus almost forgot where they were, who they were, he just never wanted this moment to stop.

That qualified as too close!

"Have you hurt yourself?" Severus asked and made an effort to sound especially unfriendly to conceal the pleasure. He failed.

"No," Lupin answered but didn't get up. He simply stared at Severus with an expression in his eyes that made him feel as if he were drawn to him like a fork to a magnet. He tried to look away but his eyes didn't comply so he held Lupin's stare which was so full of... he didn't really know what.

"Then, why don't you get off and we try again?" he said his voice much less firm than he would've liked it to be.

"I think it's fate..." Lupin said and brushed his delicate nose against Severus's large one making his heart beat quicken. The Slytherin didn't know if he had done it on purpose or not but he tensed immediately not sure what to feel. Frightened or pleased.

"Wh-what do you mean?" he stammered and could have slapped himself for it but he couldn't help it, he had no chance of succeeding in holding his voice steady. This was the intimacy he had wanted but now it was there it made him awfully nervous and uncertain, he was feeling terribly hot and his head was light and his stomach so fuzzy it almost churned. He couldn't think clearly.

"I mean... I wanted to do this, almost would have done it, but I was too afraid and now it is as if some power had thrown me on you. Isn't that what you call fate?"

That is what you call clumsiness!, Severus thought and was glad that his lips couldn't form the words to destroy the situation. He swallowed hard.

Severus felt Lupin's hands at either side of his head on the wall more than seeing them and the only thing he could make out in the dark were the other's bright eyes full of... but that couldn't be. Who would look at him like that? And yet, some annoying spark of hope inside Severus made his heart pound even faster and he was sure Lupin could hear it by now, could smell his feelings with the senses of the wolf. If there really were such senses at all. Not even Severus could conceal the smell and the sound of his body's reactions which gave him away so treacherously. It annoyed him that he had no means of preventing Lupin from seeing through him like that now, and at the same time it strengthened the hope inside him. This wretched hope!

"Do thi-this? What?" Severus whispered and Lupin's quickened breath on his face drove him crazy.

Suddenly there was that warm smile in the werewolf's eyes that he had seen on the day when they had been fighting in his classroom, accompanied by that strange expression which was joined by determination.

"Please, don't reject me Severus," Lupin said. "I hope I've read you alright and 'this' is the correct conclusion."

Then Severus saw the amber eyes no more but felt a soft hand on his cheek and before he knew it the remaining gap between them had been closed and their lips brushed carefully, almost as if they were afraid, before they indulged in a deep, passionate but tender kiss, clinging to each other as if they were drowning.

Severus let himself fall into the sea of Remus's - yes, Remus's - scent and the warmth radiating off him which felt so much like a shelter from the dark and cold staircase that he didn't even feel the icy stone steps and wall underneath him anymore.

As Remus's tongue licked at Severus's bottom lip he forgot all the pain he was feeling, physical and emotional, and opened his mouth to Remus's taste of chocolate and tea, and was that shortbread?

Severus's hands found their way into Remus's soft hair - it was even softer than it had looked from afar - and his fingers entangled themselves in the strands, pulling the other man even closer. He forgot to feel embarrassed of his situation and ashamed of his lacking skill or the pungent smell of today's potions on every inch of his body. The kiss was so special that Severus doubted that he'd ever kissed anyone quite like this. No, he was sure he hadn't. His heart grew so warm that it felt as if it were burning in his chest and it pounded so fast that Severus was sure it would explode. Everything around them had disappeared and it was as if time had stopped.

Severus feared the moment when they would be out of breath and hoped for it never to arrive. But it did, and when Remus broke the kiss he took all the warmth and pleasure with him and Severus was left cold and in pain and longing to touch the werewolf again. It was frustrating. Severus thought about pulling the Gryffindor close again but didn't and instead waited for his reaction, and for himself to wake from this blissful dream.

Though Remus was still close it wasn't the same. Severus wanted the warmth back and the scent and the taste. He wanted to escape from this desolate hallway and his awkward situation once more. As he heard Remus pant rather than feeling it, though, he wondered whether the other already regretted having kissed him or if he just didn't know what to do next.

Then the golden eyes appeared again, darker this time. A hand caressed Severus's cheek and there it was again, the smile in Remus's eyes, and it made Severus let out the breath that he hadn't even noticed he was holding. So he didn't regret it, after all. But still there was this distance between them and Severus felt himself grow colder by the minute.

"So..." Remus whispered, "you... didn't complain. Was it okay?"

Severus snorted more relieved than amused. "Yes, obviously," he replied breathlessly. He wanted to grasp the other's warmth with his fingers but couldn't and he felt colder still. He had never noticed how cold he really felt. The other's close presence was agonising; Severus felt everything nearby that he wanted to be enveloped in but couldn't, wouldn't force Remus to give to him.

"I... haven't kissed anyone in a while," said Remus with a little embarrassment in his voice.

"I didn't notice," Severus mumbled and it earned him an extremely husky chuckle. Why didn't Lupin just kiss him again? Why didn't Severus just lean in? Show him that he wanted more?

But it was too late, Remus pushed himself off the wall and got up, was gone. Severus sighed. When Remus held out his hand to pull him out of the step he became very aware of the pain in his leg again. He reached for Remus's forearm but let his fingers slide down to firmly grasp Remus's hand instead and this time they succeeded in freeing him from his miserable situation.

The Potions master rubbed his leg when he was standing beside Remus who had lit his wand and bent down to recover Severus's.

"Here you are," the Gryffindor said and handed it to him.

As Severus took it, their fingers touched and he looked up into those golden eyes and again his senses were full of Remus and Remus only. His knees grew wobbly and he staggered a little, blaming it on his stinging leg. Remus's arm was round his waist immediately to steady him and Severus felt the sudden urge to kiss him again but he was afraid to give in to it, though the other's lips looked so seductively red from their kiss.

"Better be careful, Severus. Otherwise you'll fall down the stairs," Remus said quietly, eyes never leaving Severus's. "Maybe I should bring you to the Hospital Wing?"

Severus shook his head. He didn't want to break the contact again, even if that meant staying in this staircase forever. How ridiculously sentimental, he thought, but just for now he didn't care.

"It's not so bad. I'll live." He let his fingers ghost over Remus's neck and jaw, finally tracing the faint scar, making the werewolf close his eyes in a gesture of enjoyment. "Stupid, something like this happening to me," he whispered, not quite sure if he meant falling into the step or his feelings for the other man. Not only feelings of physical attraction, much deeper than that. How very Gryffindor of you, Snape, he thought.

"I'm glad it happened," Remus replied looking up at him with a hint of the old mischief in his eyes.

"I bet you are. What if that had happened to you?"

"Then I'd still be stuck..."

"That might be true."

Remus smiled warmly, raised the hand he had laid round Severus's waist and pressed it to the Potions master's chest, over his heart which was still pounding fast. Severus closed his eyes, his heart beat slowing down. The werewolf slid his hand down his chest, then he laid it into the nape of his neck, beneath his long black hair, stepping closer until their bodies were pressed up against each other and this time there was no doubt about the fact that he was leaning in to -

But suddenly there were footsteps on the floor Severus had come from and the two men started, quickly stepping away from each other, raising their wands. Severus swore to himself that he'd hex the person the feet belonged to into the next week if he could lay his hands on them. But the footsteps passed the tapestry and disappeared. Severus glanced at the werewolf whose golden eyes were shining up at him, full of regret.

"We'd better resume our patrolling, Severus," he whispered and Severus nodded, though he'd rather have neglected that duty in favour of only one more kiss. Remus stepped closer again, resting his hand on Severus's shoulder, pressing his soft lips against his cheek. They left a warm tingling sensation behind when Remus withdrew to smile sheepishly at him. "Good night," he said and made his way up the stairs. Severus watched him leave until he could see him no more. Suddenly he was freezing and wrapped his robes more tightly around his body.

While he was wandering through the corridors, the moonlight falling through the windows, he touched his lips over and over again, remembering the sensation. They had really kissed, hadn't they? It was miraculous. He stopped at one of the windows, leaning against the wall, a smile spreading over his face. Joy was all he felt right now. Joy and the shadow of Remus's lips. All thanks to the steps.