The Teacher

Gryffindor Golden

Severus didn't see Lupin again until lunch on the next day. He looked worn still, but much better than the day before. Severus wanted to avoid eye contact but at the same time he just couldn't help glancing down the table now and then, and when Lupin noticed his eyes on him he looked up and smiled, inclining his head in a gesture of greeting. Severus stared at him for a few moments, unable to take his eyes off the werewolf, before he managed to pull them away, scowling at his chicken.

He felt strange. Since he had left Lupin's office on the day before, he had had a feeling of confusion and uncertainty following him everywhere. Were he a Gryffindor, he wouldn't be able to teach his classes or intimidate his environment the way he did. Were he a Gryffindor, he would probably have given in to despair and would be cowering in some dark corner, crying. But he wasn't a Gryffindor! He was a Slytherin! And as a true Slytherin he could hide his mental and emotional distress perfectly. And as a true Slytherin, of course, he couldn't deal with it.

On the one hand he held a grudge against the werewolf for never helping him at school, for being befriended to Black and Potter and for almost having eaten him on purpose in their fifth year; on the other hand... Severus had no words for everything on the other hand. It was so confusing, so intense and so profound, that it almost scared him. Though he'd never admit to that. Lupin seemed to be able to sneak past his guard and make it feel... pleasant... or at least less painful. The time they had spent with each other in silence had been very telling and very confusing at the same time. Severus wasn't sure he wanted something like that to happen. But what was it? He knew that his body was inclined to the other man but that wasn't all anymore. Severus didn't dare give it a name to classify it. It was too great for a classification. There was a connection. But did Lupin feel about it the same way Severus did?

He glanced down the table again and started when he saw that Lupin had been waiting for it, his golden eyes shining brightly in the sunlight that fell into the Great Hall from the enchanted ceiling, his smile still in place. It sent a shiver down Severus's spine and he turned away quickly. The shivers were different too. Deeper somehow. He felt warm suddenly and cursed the werewolf silently. He couldn't let him find a way past his walls. The thought disquieted him. As did the fact that a tiny little voice inside him did want to let Lupin in. He didn't have names for his feelings for the other man; he only knew that it wasn't hatred anymore. Those feelings were painful and pleasant at the same time, and he didn't know if he enjoyed or despised them. He heard Lupin's soft, husky chuckle from the other side of the table and felt thrilled by the sensation it incited inside of him. A tingling that went through his whole body. He felt himself flush and tried to fight it down but couldn't. Once again his body betrayed him and it was all he could do not to run from the Hall.

He finished his lunch quickly and left as fast as possible without making the impression of fleeing from the room. When he was out of sight he started running, straight into the cold dungeons, hoping that the chill would cool him down. After having entered his rooms he collapsed onto his sofa and let his head fall back onto the rest with an exasperated sigh. He was ashamed of himself. He had let the werewolf get to him. The werewolf of all people. He stared at the ceiling, eyes half closed, and remembered the peaceful smile he had seen on the werewolf's lips the day before. He couldn't help it. Now that the feeling was there all he could do was ignore it. Try to forget it.

He wasn't a man to cultivate such feelings, it was too much of a risk. Betrayal, lies, disappointment, emotional pain. Those were the feelings that hid behind such an emotion; they were the feelings one had to expect when indulging in foolish sentimentalities. And he had sworn to himself, long ago, that he'd never again be so stupid to let anyone get close enough to him to be in the position of making him experience those feelings. He was sick of those feelings. Close interpersonal relationships meant trouble and suffering, so he had decided to have none. Albus didn't count.

What he seemed to feel for Lupin was an emotion which shone Gryffindor golden and not Slytherin silver. And since he was no naïve Gryffindor, searching for romance, sitting on a white horse in a shining armour, galloping through a - to cut a long story short: he was a Slytherin! And Slytherins did not indulge in sentimental feelings. Severus rubbed his eyes. It was hard to keep this reasoning steady when he was in Lupin's presence. Which meant that there was only one way of dealing with it.

During the next week Severus reestablished the avoiding and ignoring of the werewolf, that he had discarded in the week before the full moon. Whenever he saw Lupin approaching him or heard his voice, he turned on his heel and took a detour to go out of his way. The only occasions when he couldn't do so were the meals in the Great Hall. He didn't look down the table anymore, didn't glance at the other man and tried not to strain his ears when he heard him talk, since he rarely heard him laugh anymore. Already after the first day of silence from Severus's side, he had sensed the werewolf's stare on him during meals, and he felt an uncomfortable tingling where his eyes fixed him. And on the third day, he was quite sure of that, he had stopped hearing his chuckle. And, Merlin, he missed it! It was so annoying! Most of the time all Severus did was glare at his food, as if it were at fault for everything.

Of course Albus had to notice. "Severus, my boy, are you alright?" he asked on the eighth day, meeting him, coincidentally of course, in a hallway. "You don't seem very fond of your food lately."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Get to the point, Headmaster," he mumbled turning towards him with a scowl. Albus frowned. "Did... anything happen between you and Remus?"

Severus stared at him. What in Salazar's name was he suggesting? "No!" he snapped and crossed his arms over his chest. Albus raised his eyebrows. "So you didn't fight again? I thought maybe you got angry at him again and shouted because he seems rather depressed and worried, whenever you are near or your name is mentioned." Severus kept staring. Oh, that was what he'd been suggesting. Why on earth had he suspected anything else? He shook his head more to himself than to Albus.

"Well, but something must have happened. Since the full moon you've been distancing yourself from him. So... would you like to talk about it?" the older wizard asked with a shrewd twinkle in his blue eyes. Severus glared at him. "No," he growled.

Albus smiled. "Then it either was something that you feel ashamed of or something... positive. Maybe both," he said and put a hand on Severus's shoulder. "Whatever it is Severus, you should not push it away. Engage in it. I think you should seize the chance." Severus froze at that, those words had an odd déjà-vu-effect on him. Albus nodded and proceeded down the corridor, leaving Severus behind.

The Potions master didn't move for a while, leaning against the stone wall, staring into nothingness. Eight days were a long time, actually they seemed like eight months. He sighed. Ignoring the werewolf only made the feelings inside him stronger. Perhaps, he thought, but only perhaps, Albus was right. Maybe confrontation was the only thing that could solve his troubles. But how should he confront the werewolf? One stare from those golden eyes and he'd be defenceless again. He wandered through the corridors, filled with students who were streaming into the opposite direction to lunch, thinking about whether or not it would be wise to talk to Lupin again, and if yes then about what? Maybe he should just reinstate his hostility but that hadn't worked before either, so, what was he to do?

And then suddenly there he was, standing right in front of him only a few feet away. Severus hadn't even noticed that his feet had carried him into the direction of the DADA classroom. "Oh, Hermione, stop worrying. Just write one scroll less than you usually do and it will still get ten out of ten, believe me," he said, courteously holding open the door of his classroom to the know-it-all Granger who seemed rather upset.

"But, Professor, I..." she stammered but he silenced her with a shake of his head. "It's alright, really. And now run off to lunch, will you?" he smiled and she turned round with a nod and passed Severus with a "Good afternoon, Professor" which he answered with a scowl.

"Severus?" Lupin said, having spotted him and Severus realised that it was too late to back out now. He nodded and met his golden eyes. Lupin smiled when he noticed that the Potions master had no intention of turning round and running away, and beckoned him inside his classroom. When Severus entered, slowly, hesitantly, he closed the door behind himself and watched Lupin, clean the blackboard by hand. "The Kappa" was written at the very top.

When he had finished, Lupin laid down the sponge he had used and bent his head, his back still towards Severus. Then he heaved a sigh and looked at the ceiling. "Why did you avoid me?" he asked, his voice almost a whisper. Severus had dreaded that question. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't tell him the truth.

"The full moon was over and I didn't have any responsibility concerning you anymore," he said coldly and Lupin looked at him. His eyes met his own and a second later Severus knew that he'd been seen through again. But Lupin didn't comment it, surprisingly, he just sat down on the edge of his teacher's desk and fixed him calmly.

"It is a Muggle saying, you know? 'Good medicine tastes bitter'. A pure-blood wizard wouldn't say anything like that. My mother used to say it, she was Muggle-born." Severus stared at him in confusion. Where had that come from? And what did he want to imply? "So, Severus... who was it? Your mother or your father? The Muggle-born I mean."

Severus stiffened. Nobody knew about his being a half-blood. Nobody but Dumbledore and maybe McGonagall. He had always kept that fact to himself. Not only was he respected more highly in the circles of pure-bloods like Lucius Malfoy and the other Death Eaters in the war, he also had a very emotional reason for concealing the fact. "It's none of your business," he snarled and Lupin raised an eyebrow.

"What's the big deal? Why are you ashamed of it?" the werewolf asked and stepped closer to Severus. "I'm not," the Slytherin snapped and folded his arms tightly over his chest.

"Why don't you tell me then?"

Severus glared at him. He didn't have the right to inquire like this, it was private. He wouldn't tell him about his parents, it was too painful, too emotional. He wanted to blend out all emotion, if possible, and he wouldn't tell Lupin anything that would give him the impression that he was his confidant now. He wanted to show him the exact opposite, after all.

"Because I don't want to!" he growled finally. He didn't need to justify his reasons to him.

"So, that's it? I thought we had... well, become closer somehow. I thought something had changed."

At that Severus stiffened again. So he felt it, too. The change in their... it couldn't really be called a relationship, could it? He chose to avoid that topic for now. The change between them. "Did you expect me to become your best friend, just because we talked once? Well, I'm sorry if you miss Potter and Black but I have no interest in a pet werewolf, Lupin!" he snapped and was rather proud of himself that he had managed to be mean to the man. Then he noticed how pathetic that feeling was.

Lupin's face darkened a little. "Was that supposed to hurt me? Do you want to bully me?" he asked in a strangely calm voice that sent an unpleasant chill through Severus's body. He didn't answer. "Well, Severus, it doesn't work. You cannot bully me, I thought you had noticed that. And I think you shouldn't bully Neville so much either."

"Oh?" Severus said, stepping closer. "You tell me what I should do and what I shouldn't? If the boy doesn't do anything right then he doesn't deserve praise or consolation!"

"He's a child, Severus. He cannot help it. You should encourage him instead of scaring him, that doesn't help him!" the werewolf said, rising from his sitting position almost, almost agitatedly.

"It is not in my interest to help him. Those who don't have the gift are not worth my energy," Severus replied and was thrilled when he saw a tiny little flash of anger in the other's face. And there it was again; the desire to make him reveal all of his faces, make him drop his mask once more.

"Why do you do that to them? They're only children, Severus. They cannot defend themselves," Lupin said, his voice still calm.

"Really? Well, we would know, wouldn't we? Whom is this about now? Potter? Weasley? Or maybe Granger? Or have you declared yourself the hero of bullied children all over the world?" Severus said in his most sarcastic voice.

There was a few moments' silence in which the tension grew to an unbearable level and it felt to Severus like several years before the werewolf finally spoke again, "Funny how those who were victims of bullying become bullies themselves when they're grown up. Isn't that one of the least understandable never ending vicious circles?"

The blood in Severus's veins froze and cold fury welled up inside of him. "Well, you're the one who could've prevented it, aren't you?" he growled, trying to restrain himself from shouting. Lupin's eyes widened in shock and Severus felt an odd pleasure fight its way through the anger, but it wasn't strong enough to survive for long. "If you hadn't just looked away and done nothing about your bloody friends bullying me, maybe I'd be a completely different person today!" Not that he'd believe that. Not entirely.

Lupin looked away. Obviously he wasn't eager on confrontation. "I know it was wrong, I know I should've done something, but... but I..." he stammered and ran his hands through his brown-grey hair.

"But what?" Severus snarled. "Did you lose your backbone when you were hurrying to my help?"

"I was scared, okay?" the werewolf replied in a desperate voice and it startled Severus. "I was afraid they'd stop being my friends if I stood up to them. For God's sake, Severus, they were the only people who never cared about my condition. They let me be with them despite my being a werewolf. I thought I'd never find friends like them again, and I... I was right!"

He clenched his hands into fists and Severus saw him trembling with agitation. He knew what the werewolf had feared back then. Loneliness. The loneliness that he had experienced after the Potters' deaths and Black's conviction. The loneliness he shared with Severus nowadays. The explanation was that of a werewolf who had so wanted to be a normal boy, not risking for anything the pseudo-normality he was given by his friends. But it wasn't enough for Severus. He had suffered while Lupin had felt happiness.

"I was egoistic, and I felt bad about it every day. But I'm a different person now, and I regret it. I didn't want these things to happen to you and I am sorry. Please, Severus," the werewolf continued with the greatest effort and his pleading eyes would almost have made Severus forget again. Almost.

"You didn't want it, eh?" he growled. "You didn't want any of that to happen to me? What about that night in fifth year? What about your little plan?"

Lupin shook his head. "I wasn't in on that," he whispered, lips hardly moving, tears welling up in his eyes.

"DON'T LIE TO ME!" Severus bellowed and Lupin flinched.

"I don't. I didn't know anything about it, neither did James. It was Sirius's idea!"

"You wanted to kill me!" Severus ignored the werewolf's desperate stammering and stepped closer to him.

"I didn't, Severus, why won't you lise -"

"YOU AREN'T ANY BETTER THAN THEM! WHY NOT THROW HIM TO THE WEREWOLF? NOBODY WILL CARE ANYWAYS!"

"I WASN'T IN ON IT!" Lupin screamed and a single tear rolled down his flushed cheek. "WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME? HE WANTED TO USE ME TO GET RID OF YOU! IT WAS HIS IDEA! I NEVER WANTED YOU TO GET HURT!

Severus was taken aback by his sudden outbreak. He looked down at the smaller man who was staring back at him, troubled eyes never leaving his cold ones, breathing quick and shallow. It was intriguing. Tempting. Sadness, happiness, shame, pride, nervousness, fear, confidence, despair, hope, pain, anger, peacefulness, hostility, affection. He had managed to make Lupin show all those emotions to him and it made the werewolf more fascinating with every new one.

And he believed him.

"I never disliked you," Lupin whispered and it unfroze Severus's blood, inciting that strange feeling again. And this time he didn't want to let it go. He felt his arm move on its own accord, to reach out and touch the werewolf, but stopped it in the last moment, before the other noticed.

"You can't imagine how I felt when I learnt of Sirius's terrible prank. I wouldn't have been able to live with it if anything had happened to you."

"Great friend, Black, huh?" Severus sneered and Lupin's eyes darkened, his brow creased and he looked profoundly disappointed.

"Obviously," he muttered and turned away only to whirl round again, stretching out his arms on each side of him in a gesture of helplessness. "Why are you doing this to me, Severus? Why do you want to hurt me?"

Severus couldn't answer, he just stood there, motionless. He wouldn't tell him the truth but he couldn't think of a plausible lie, or a good enough insult now, so he kept quiet. Lupin waited, impatiently and when the silence stretched he said something that startled Severus, "What are you scared of?"

"I'm not scared," Severus said quietly and was sure that Lupin knew something. He read him like a book and it was stunningly relieving that he didn't need to say anything, that Lupin just knew. At that very moment, though, Severus only saw the negative aspects of that gift. He didn't want Lupin to know what he felt.

"I know you don't think much of being close to someone," Lupin said startling Severus once again. "I... just thought... I thought there was something between us. Something we share."

He was right of course. They did share something. They shared the moment they had experienced after the Blue Moon. Severus could still feel it, the pleasant silence, could still see the peaceful smile on the werewolf's face. And suddenly he felt peaceful, too, wishing back the moment.

"I am not interested in sharing anything with anyone," he muttered in a desperate try to make him give up, make him go away.

"But that's a lie," Lupin said, and Severus had the impression that there was suppressed anger in his hoarse voice. "Maybe I got too close to you that morning. Is that what makes you uneasy?"

The Potions master glared at him. He wasn't uneasy. He was scared. And now he had admitted it. He didn't want to risk getting hurt again, showing his soul to someone who might rip it apart. And yet he knew that actually he wanted the exact contrary. He wished he could just forget all his fear and open himself to the werewolf but he couldn't. Even though the hatred had miraculously disappeared. No actually, it wasn't a miracle.

"I can't stand it," Severus muttered to himself, but Lupin obviously thought he had meant him, since his face flushed again and his voice shook with anger. "Well, I'm sorry if I got too close to you, Severus, it was certainly not my intention to get on your nerves!" And Severus thought that there was something else he wanted to say, it was in his eyes, another emotion. But who'd look at him like that. Had he looked at Lupin like that?

"I do not want you close to me!" Severus snarled and tried to hide the fear in his voice. He wouldn't be able to bear it if Lupin found out about his feelings and rejected them. Who would want Snivellus to feel for one like that?

"Then tell me to stay away from you, and I will," the werewolf said, his voice calm but tense. Severus hesitated. It was so easy. Just one sentence, four words, but his mouth wouldn't form them. And again Lupin saw right through him, Severus's black eyes were like windows to him.

"But you don't want me to go away, either, right?" he said, his voice soft again, stepping close to Severus, his golden eyes full of everything Severus feared and adored. "You would've left already if you did. We agreed, Severus, that we are alike, and at the same time we are as different as possible. We have so much in common and yet what it made of us is so different."

Severus looked to the floor. He had thought the exact same thing, only from another point of view. They both knew pain, of every possible kind. But that didn't make it any easier to trust him. He trusted him not to laugh, since malicious glee was not one of the emotions in his repertoire, but he didn't trust him not to hurt him, on purpose or not. Nobody could be trusted in that matter.

"I am scared, too, believe me. But when I'm with you it is as if I had finally found someone who understands me, who feels the same way I do. And I think it's the same to you," Lupin continued and Severus raised his eyes again, meeting the werewolf's golden ones and letting them look through him deliberately for the first time. Though the other man was standing a foot away, Severus could feel the warmth radiating off him. "You needn't even say anything. And if you do, you tell me so much without many words. Without the right words, too."

"I'm an open book to you, am I not?" Severus muttered, a little hurt in his pride, but somehow he had this feeling again. He felt as if it meant something.

The werewolf chuckled huskily and Severus felt as if gravitation had ceased to exist, his stomach fuzzy again and his head so very light. Merlin, he had missed his chuckle! How annoying.

"I wouldn't put it like that but..." Lupin trailed off. "I feel as if I were healing, when we're together. It's definitely a painful process but it is positive. And I think that means something. When I'm with you I do not feel ashamed, I hate myself much less. I am sure that it means something. It is something that is very rare."

Severus rested his eyes on Lupin's lips, taking in every word, every syllable that again described his very feelings in a way that he could never manage. It was a connection and it was special. It was-

"Very precious," the werewolf continued, voicing Severus's thought and he was taken aback. It had happened before. On the steps before the castle. They both loved the scent. The mixture of moist soil and stone. Severus knew they were so very alike, and yet they were like day and night. "We are the results of what life threw at us. And now life is throwing us at each other. Why shouldn't we seize that chance, Severus? I showed myself to you, so you have an advantage. Why not show me a bit of yourself, now?"

The Potions master didn't know what to say, he wasn't sure what Lupin meant. They shared something that he couldn't share with anyone else; they were both broken. It was indeed a healing experience. And when the werewolf held out his hand to him with the first really genuine smile on his face, a smile that touched his eyes, shining with that nameless emotion, and the same word on his red lips, 'Stay', a request not an order, he felt chaos break loose inside of himself.

Desire and fear were battling, and it was agonising when he faced the revelations about himself which he just couldn't deny anymore. He was more frightened than ever before, frightened of his feelings and their consequences.

He wasn't ready to utter it, but he loved the way the werewolf shouted at him and contradicted him and stood up to him, how he encouraged him and understood him and smiled at him, enjoying his company instead of despising it like all the others; he loved his every expression, his every face, his every voice and he wanted to see them all, feel them all directed at him. And he loved the effect he finally had on the werewolf.

He wanted to let Lupin find out every secret he was hiding from the world, wanted him to find the words for his own thoughts and feelings, wanted him to continue to treat him with affection like his eyes seemed to promise, and he wanted to be healed by him and heal him in exchange. He wanted to open up his walls and let Lupin in.

Suddenly he had the almost irresistible urge to seize him and pull him close. His body was yearning for the other man, his mind screaming in demand of him; and it was all he could do not to give in to it. Instead he turned on his heel and ran from the room, ran away from his feelings and the need to act upon them. Fear had won over desire. He ran away like the Slytherin he was, but inside of him, he knew but wasn't brave enough to let Lupin know, the prominent emotion shone Gryffindor golden. Like his eyes.