The Teacher

Once in a Blue Moon

On the next day Lupin shuffled in at exactly the right time. The knock on the door was just loud enough for Severus to be able to hear it over the simmering of the cauldron full of Wolfsbane potion.

"Enter," he said and the werewolf opened the door, slipping inside. "Just in time."

Lupin smiled and came closer but stopped halfway through the room, wrinkling his nose. "That smell is..." he said finishing the sentence by making a disgusted face. Severus rolled his eyes. Sensitive as ever, he thought and glared at Lupin. "Well, as long as it works..." the other added quickly and shrugged.

"It does," Severus snarled as he poured some of the potion into a goblet, holding it out to Lupin who took it from him with shaking fingers. He looked down into the bubbling and steaming green substance and raised his eyebrows. Then with a last insecure look at the Potions master he raised the goblet to his lips and drank the potion in one draught. Severus watched him with wary eyes, searching for a sign of side effects, but couldn't make any out. When Lupin lowered the goblet again, wiping his mouth, he screwed up his eyes and shuddered. "That really has a mean taste!" he said, handing the goblet back to Severus who rolled his eyes again.

"Good medicine always tastes bitter," he replied coldly as he set the goblet down beside the smoking cauldron. Lupin flashed him a crooked smile at that. "True, true. And you must know, right, Severus?"

"Sure," the Slytherin said and pointed at the door. Lupin chuckled and turned to leave. "If there should be any... complications, inform me of it and I will see what I can do about them," Severus added before Lupin had closed the door behind him and got a hum of affirmation as an answer.

On all following afternoons Lupin visited Severus's office, never late and always sure to try and start a conversation. All attempts were successfully blocked by Severus's silencing glares, like that he managed to avoid being in the other's presence for longer than a few minutes before the goblet was drained and the werewolf could be thrown out, the expression of disgust still on his face. He couldn't risk another situation like the one in front of the castle, when Lupin had got far too close to him, not only physically.

On the day before the full moon Severus saw the nervousness in every movement and heard it in every word of the other man. He knocked over the chair that stood in front of the desk in Severus's office and would almost have dropped the goblet with potion when he took it from the Potions master. His voice shook considerably when he laughed about his own clumsiness and apologised, dropping the chair three times before he managed to pick it up and put it on its legs again. Severus considered him silently and when he handed the goblet back to him the Potions master's eyes wandered over his face, the weak smile, the creased brow and the amber eyes, misty instead of gleaming. Severus caught himself staring into those eyes longingly, wishing back the golden glitter that usually filled them. He twirled the goblet round between his fingers and after a few second's silence he took a deep breath, turning his back on the werewolf, clearing his throat.

"Tomorrow I will bring you the potion to your office," he said and when Lupin made a startled noise he added, "I don't want my desk or more expensive and rare things knocked over the next time you come here." The werewolf blushed at that, grinning foolishly. "Apart from that I don't want to risk you not being in your rooms in time for nightfall..." And with that he threw the Gryffindor out with a wave of his hand.

On the next day after having finished his work Severus filled the goblet with Wolfsbane again and set off for Lupin's office. It was late in the afternoon and he hurried, taking two steps at once when climbing a staircase. He didn't want to be late lest the sun would set before he had left Lupin's rooms again. When he arrived at the door to the other's office, he knocked three times and when he heard a hoarse "Come in" from inside he opened the door and stepped in. "Ah, Severus," Lupin smiled, looking up from some papers he had been brooding over. "Thank you for bringing the potion."

He got up from his chair and walked round the table to take the potion from Severus who was standing motionless in front of the door. "Would you like a cup of tea?" he asked and sipped at the potion instead of drinking it in one gulp as he usually did. Severus raised an eyebrow, lowering his head and giving Lupin a disbelieving look. "Oh, come on, Severus, don't look at me like that. See it as a little thank you. Or is my presence that unbearable?"

The Potions master smirked and stepped a little closer. "Yes," he said in a silky voice and enjoyed the flash of pain in the other's eyes that were so dull lately. Then he pointed at the teakettle that was standing on one of Lupin's shelves. "Yes, why not?" Lupin's face lit up at once and he tapped the teakettle with his wand making it steam. Then he took out two teabags from a dusty tin and set two cups on the table.

"Teabags?" Severus said sneering, taking the cup from Lupin's hands while he pulled back the only chair in front of his desk and sat down. Lupin shrugged. "Well, fresh tea is expensive, you learn to forgo certain things in favour of others when you only have limited money."

Severus sipped the tea. It couldn't compare to the tea leaves he usually used but it wasn't too bad. "For example?" he asked looking at the werewolf over the rim of his teacup.

The other smiled slightly, sadly. "Food," he said simply and suddenly Severus felt cold. He stared into his tea and tried to ignore his thoughts of the other's weight. He shouldn't have asked. He had known the answer. But what did it matter anyway? "But forgoing tea altogether is -"

"Is impossible," Lupin finished his sentence and laughed a little. "Apart from the fact that as a true Englishman I could never do without my 5 o'clock tea, it makes my throat less sore." He chuckled his husky chuckle and Severus felt his spine tingle, still staring into his tea. "Well, it doesn't really make that much of a difference..." Lupin finished running a hand through his hair and taking a gulp of the potion.

"Doesn't matter," Severus mumbled and finished his tea. When he looked up to place the cup back onto the table he saw Lupin's misty eyes fixing him. "What did you say?" he asked and Severus shook his head.

"Nothing," he replied firmly. "No sugar!" he then added, when he saw the werewolf's hand wander to a box full of cubes of sugar. "It makes the potion useless." He was amused by the expression of utter disappointment and shock on Lupin's face when he took yet another tiny sip from the goblet, and then another bigger gulp, draining it, pulling a face. Severus watched him shudder and roll his amber eyes to the ceiling. Lupin looked pale and a little worn out and when he drank some tea to rinse his mouth of the taste, Severus saw his hand tremble slightly around the cup and heard the clatter when the werewolf set it down on its saucer again. "Disgusting..." Severus heard him mutter under his breath and getting up he felt how a question was forcing its way out through his lips. "Do you feel it already? The full moon?"

The werewolf blinked and rested his chin on his hands. "Yes. I feel it pulling on my mind and eating at my body. But with the potion it's not so bad." He smiled again and Severus saw the corners of his mouth twitching slightly. "I'm nervous..." he confessed, averting his eyes and focusing them on Severus's abandoned teacup.

The Potions master hesitated, his eyes wandering to the door and then back to Lupin. He didn't need to tell the other that everything would go well and actually he didn't even know it himse-

"Everything will go well," his mouth formed the words before his brain had decided to say them. The other looked up, a surprised expression on his face. "Or do you doubt my skill?" Severus added with a daring look on his face.

"Of course not," Lupin grinned and got up as well, taking the goblet and walking past Severus to open the door for him. "It is not that I think it won't work, it's just that I don't know what to expect. How will it feel and will it be as much better as I hope it will? I mean, will I be human or animal? And..." he hesitated and seemed to gather what was left of his nerves to continue, "will I feel the ongoing pain of the transformation after I have turned into the wolf? Because I can always feel it when I've turned back. I'm a little scared of having to bear it twice..."

Severus stared at him with his cold black eyes and considered his words for a moment. He couldn't imagine what it felt like to transform like Lupin would that night and he was glad he couldn't. But when his eyes came to rest on the other's hand, on the doorknob, and he saw one of the many scars that must be all over Lupin's body, he opened his mouth and met his eyes again. "I am sure that it will be worth it. I wouldn't worry so much if I were you, which I am not, luckily," he said coolly and was a little satisfied when the Gryffindor's face brightened a bit.

"Thank you, Severus," he said and Severus thought that he would never grow tired of hearing it. He took the goblet from Lupin's hands and stepped out of the room, turning his head slightly so that the other could hear him. "I will check up on you tomorrow morning," he said and didn't wait for an answer before he made his way back to the dungeons. He heard the door close and something clattered, followed by Lupin's voice probably cursing. Apparently he had knocked his own chair over this time. Severus smirked a little, and when he arrived in his laboratory he put the empty cauldron back into the cupboard after a quick cleaning spell. On a desk over a fire another potion was already bubbling, an Invigorating Draught just in case it was needed in the morning.

That night Severus couldn't sleep. He told himself that it was because he feared Lupin would break out of his quarters and come eat him, which of course was complete nonsense. The silvery light of the moon shone onto his face and he raised his hand before his eyes, examining the glow around it, puzzled by the power of the light, immune to the influence it had on the other man. In reality he thought of Lupin and wondered if the werewolf could finally see the full moon with the golden eyes of the human, through the windows of his bedroom.

It was 6 o'clock in the morning when the first sunbeams fought their way through the half closed curtains before Severus's bedroom windows, making him groan and turn over, pulling the covers over his face. After all, he had been able to sleep for a few hours but instead of making him feel refreshed, the short sleep had only made the fatigue worse. Severus reached under his pillow, fumbling for his wand and casting a quick spell to close the curtains, shutting the bright light of the day out.

Then he opened his eyes to the semi-darkness in the room and sat up, glancing round and stretching his limbs with a yawn. He checked the time on his alarm clock and wondered whether the werewolf was already awake. Slipping out of bed and padding to the bathroom he decided that it would be better to let the other sleep for another few hours. After having brushed his teeth and put on his black robe Severus entered his laboratory and sniffed the Invigorating Draught, putting out the fire under the cauldron. He filled the potion into five phials, storing four of them away on a shelf and sticking one in his pocket.

Severus spent the rest of the time before his first lesson of the day with the Slytherin-Ravenclaw OWL course, sitting in his living room, staring into the empty fireplace, tapping his fingers onto the lean of his armchair. When he heard his stomach grumbling suddenly, he got up and made his way into the Great Hall to have a short breakfast. Albus's eyes twinkled into his direction when he sat down and poured himself some coffee, but Severus tried to ignore him, staring down onto his plate and chewing on a piece of bread. Unfortunately most of the teachers had already finished their breakfast and left, which made it easier for the older wizard to just move closer to him a few chairs and talk to him quietly, hands folded on the table.

"So, Severus? How did it go?"

The Potions master shrugged. "I haven't been up to see him yet, but since there were no violent deaths of students or teachers last night, unfortunately in some cases, I suppose that everything went alright," he said ignoring the click of Albus's tongue. He stabbed his fried egg with his fork and watched the yolk run over the plate.

"Why haven't you been up, yet?"

Severus swallowed. "I thought... he would not be awake yet. I thought it would be better to let him sleep for a while longer." The twinkle in Albus's eyes was almost audible now. He laid a hand on Severus's shoulder and got up.

"That was thoughtful of you Severus. I'm sure Remus will appreciate it. And by the way: the password to his quarters is 'Agnus'," he said quietly and left. Severus scowled at his retreating back and stabbed his egg again, almost breaking the plate. In the pocket of his robe his hand closed around the phial of potion, feeling warm against his cold skin.

At a quarter past eleven, after he had dismissed his class, Severus found himself standing in front of Lupin's office and taking a deep breath he knocked three times. No answer was to be heard from within so he turned the knob and pushed open the door to find an empty room. Suddenly Severus felt as if he had something else to do and couldn't remember why he was in the werewolf's office at all, so he turned to leave, but before he had stepped over the threshold he stopped, reaching inside his robes and touching the phial beside his wand. He rolled his eyes. A Distracting Charm obviously, to keep students away before, after and, in some cases of curfew breaking, during the full moon.

Severus raised his wand and muttered a spell to dismantle the Distracting Charm, stepping back into the office and closing the door behind himself. He then turned to a wall, which was completely void of pictures, shelves, or cupboards and said, "Agnus." The grey stone changed into brown wood and a door appeared before the Potions master, swinging open to let him in. He hesitated for a few moments, sticking his head into the sitting room that had been revealed to him, and called out Lupin's name. As no answer came he entered, pulling the door shut and walking over to the windows, drawing back the curtains to let in the sun. Apparently Lupin had not been up yet.

Severus cast a searching look through the room and noticed that it was the same as his own, except for the furniture and the decoration. In the short time that Lupin had been a teacher he had filled the shelves of his sitting room with many books, books which were less shabby and threadbare than his own clothes, looking as if the werewolf took very good care of them. Over the fireplace he had pinned a Gryffindor flag and the old armchair in front of it seemed to be his own, other than the rest of the furniture which were those provided by the castle. But apart from that Severus couldn't make out any personal accessories such as the photos of friends and family that he had expected would fill the walls.

Severus, wand still in hand, walked over to the door that led to the bedroom. It was ajar and he could see the dim light that illuminated the hovering dust in the room. When he pushed it open wide enough to be able to slip through it, he saw the brown-grey hair of the werewolf stick out from under the covers. With a flick of his wand the curtains and windows flew open and he heard the werewolf groan like Severus himself had done earlier that morning. He stepped closer to the bed, always keeping a safety distance, to see if Lupin had woken yet, but it seemed as if he had no intention of doing so, turning away from the light.

"Lupin, it is almost noon," Severus said loudly. "Wake up!" But the other merely pulled the covers closer around his body, burying his face in the mattress. Severus sighed and after a moment's hesitation he reached out and shook Lupin's shoulder which proved to be far more effective. The Gryffindor rolled over onto his back and running his hands through his hair he forced his eyes open, squinting up at the Potions master with a vague smile.

"G'morn', Sev'rus," he croaked and Severus would have gasped had he not had such a control over himself. "You look terrible," he said and he didn't exaggerate. Lupin had the darkest of rings under his eyes and his skin was even paler than it usually was, he looked as if he hadn't slept in a month. But since he chuckled at Severus's statement he seemed to be fine, as far as the circumstances permitted it. The werewolf's laugh was disrupted by a coughing fit and he sat up, holding his chest, pain clearly written in his face.

"How are you feeling? Any injuries?" Severus asked and crossed his arms over his chest. Lupin shook his head and cleared his throat. "The potion worked wonderfully. I feel better than I usually do, thank you," he said, his voice raspy. "Just tired and... my bones hurt from the transformation, they have to go through quite a lot of tearing and bending, after all, but that'll cease sooner or later. After a Blue Moon it's always a little worse than usual. Good that they're so rare." He fell back onto his pillow and sighed, his breath rattling and shallow. "It was a singular feeling to be in the body of the wolf with my own mind. I suppose that is how an Animagus must feel." Then he glanced nervously at the Potions master as if he'd said too much. "I saw the full moon. It was... strange. As if I had finally been able to trick it. Thanks to you."

Severus raised an eyebrow, though he felt a surge of... pride? - run through him. "Not at all," he said coolly and put his wand into his pocket, pulling out the potion with his left hand, removing the stopper. He bowed a little and held the phial out to the werewolf, who reached for it, brushing his fingers against Severus's, making him shiver. But he didn't take it. Severus looked at him, confused by the way his arm hovered in the air as if he were petrified, brows knitted, his amber eyes staring at the Potions master's wrist. And then Severus noticed it. His sleeve had shifted when he had stretched out his arm, and had revealed the lower quarter of something that he never let anyone see. He pushed the phial into the other's hand spilling a few drops of the potion when he whipped away his arm, yanking down his sleeve with his right hand.

His eyes shot to Lupin's face. The werewolf looked taken aback and licked the drops of potion which Severus had spilt from his hand. His eyes lit up immediately and he drank the rest from the phial looking up at the Slytherin with a curious gleam in his large ambers. Severus glowered down at him and folded his arms over his chest again, pressing his wrist to his ribcage. Lupin averted his eyes, setting the phial down on the nightstand. "Thanks," he smiled uneasily not quite managing to act as if he hadn't seen anything.

Severus just stood there, unable to move. The only sounds to be heard were the singing of the birds and the buzzing of voices from the grounds. The silence that stretched out between them was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. And it was Lupin who broke it.

"Are you ashamed of it? The Dark Mark?" he said quietly and looked up at Severus, his golden eyes searching his black ones. Severus turned his head so he could look out of the window, focusing his eyes on a cloud that was drifting past. He barely moved his lips when he answered.

"It is... expected of me, to be ashamed..."

He felt Lupin's eyes on him and didn't dare look at him, didn't want to see the disgust he was sure he would find in the werewolf's face. "But are you, really?" he heard him say and suddenly he felt angry.

"Well, I suppose so," he snapped. "It's none of your business anyway!" He whirled round and wanted to pick up the phial and throw it at him, but at the sight of Lupin's eyes he froze. He wasn't disgusted or hateful, he just stared at him with placid eyes and folded hands.

"You see, Severus... we all have a past of our own, some darker than others," he said with a small smile. "I think what matters is who you are now. Only that is worth being proud or ashamed of."

Severus stared at him. Usually people didn't react like that when they saw the sign of the Dark Lord on his arm. "I chose to become a Death Eater," he said, pressing his right hand to his left forearm on the place where the Dark Mark was. "I wanted to be one of his followers!"

Lupin's brow creased. "Yes, you did," he replied. "And then, you decided for whichever reason, that you'd been wrong and changed sides, under a great risk to your life. That is far more glorious than being on the good side from the beginning."

Severus looked at his hand clutching his arm. He wasn't sure what Lupin imagined his reasons to have been. They had not been entirely egoistic but he didn't share the werewolf's opinion. It hadn't been glorious. It had been pathetic and he had been disgusted by himself. He was still disgusted. Severus looked into Lupin's golden eyes and felt empty. The werewolf was the first person who had ever failed to blame him, he seemed to simply ignore the fact that he had... had done terrible things, unforgivable things for the Dark Lord during the war. The anger ebbed away and was replaced by something else: it was a painfully good feeling to hear those words from him.

"Why do you say something like that? You don't know why I changed the side. Why I became Dumbledore's spy. Until a minute ago you knew nothing of my past! You... you are a Gryffindor for Merlin's sake! You should be appalled instead of indifferent," he said. He needed to know why Lupin thought so differently from all the others. Another intriguing thing about him.

He heard Lupin shift under the covers. "I say it," the werewolf whispered, "because I think that it is true. You deserve the second chance because you have decided to use it well. And I... I think that it was necessary you heard it."

Severus stared at him. He knew what he meant, he wanted to erase the shame and the self-loathing inside of Severus, which had been implanted there by all the people who had looked upon him with disgust; and indeed he felt his heart grow a little lighter. He hadn't even noticed that it was heavy at all. Lupin's head was bent and on his face there was a look of deep pain, the mask discarded, finally. Severus frowned and the strange feeling was back, eating at his cold posture. The werewolf's hands were clutching at the sheets so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

"I understand you, Severus, better than you could possibly imagine," the Gryffindor muttered and Severus needed a few seconds for the words to sink in before the anger was back.

"You don't know what you're talking about! How do you think can you compare our situations?" he shouted and made Lupin raise his eyebrows. "You didn't run over to the werewolf that bit you, saying 'Oh I'd like to be a werewolf, bite me!' You were a child and it was an accident, it wasn't your fault. I was an adult and knew what I was doing when I let the Dark Lord mark me!"

Lupin looked surprised at his outbreak. "So you think it is unfounded to mistrust me?" he asked calmly but Severus thought he had heard a tiny trace of hope in the question.

"I think it is unfounded to mistrust a man who always fought for the good side and was never involved in any Dark business, simply because he happens to be a werewolf," he snarled and turned away. In the corner of his eye he saw that Lupin looked as though he had a fight raging inside him; obviously that answer had had an impact on him. Severus suspected that he felt the same painful pleasure that he had felt a few minutes before. Apparently the werewolf wanted to ask Severus more on that topic, but he seemed to restrain himself under great effort.

"And I... I think it is unfounded to mistrust a man who risked his life as a spy for Dumbledore and gained his trust, simply because he made a mistake in his past," he said instead, earning himself a raised eyebrow and a glare. "Don't misunderstand me. I do not think choosing to be a Death Eater is peanuts, but I think choosing to betray Voldemort is far more difficult. And therefore our situations are quite similar."

"How so?" Severus growled and folded his arms over his chest again glowering down at the werewolf.

"They mistrust us. All of them do. And it is not important why, what matters is that they do not grant us a chance to prove ourselves, even though we deserve it, and no matter how hard we try, we will never be accepted. They turn their backs on us in disgust and it doesn't matter if they do it because they connect a Dark Creature with Dark Magic and therefore with everything evil, or because they disrespect you because you chose the wrong side when you were young and furious. What matters is, that it hurts. Maybe we don't pay attention to the pain anymore, maybe we have grown used to it, but it is there, deep down, eating at us," his voice broke and he swallowed, gathering all the strength he seemed to have left, to continue. Severus's eyes never left him and he listened carefully, feeling that this was important. That it meant something. And inside him, deep down, the pain confirmed it.

"And inside, we loathe ourselves, much more than we loathe those who do this to us. We are ashamed and disgusted by the marks on our bodies. Just like you would never show the Dark Mark to anyone, I would never show them the scars..."

Severus looked at his arm and it was as if he could see through the fabric of his black robe, he could see it vividly before his eyes, burnt into the white skin of his forearm, skull and snake, red and ugly.

"But we shouldn't be ashamed. Because we have overcome the prejudice. Even though it would have been less difficult to give in to the charms of the easier way. Although no one acknowledges it. Apart from Dumbledore maybe," Lupin paused and his golden eyes were swimming, making Severus lower his own. "It is not the differences of our situations that are important, that make me understand, Severus, it is the things that are alike."

Severus closed his eyes and pictured it before his mind, the Dark Mark. It was a stigma that shut him out of society, making it impossible for him to be respected and accepted as who he was, all of him. And no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it, it would never vanish, a constant magical reminder of his pitch-black past. He didn't belong and he didn't feel at home anywhere. It was, he had to admit to himself, something he had in common with the werewolf. No matter where they were, even in the biggest of crowds, they were lonely. And it would forever be that way. And it was then that he realised that they were indeed equal.

And then he nodded.

His heart felt as if it had been ripped to pieces and glued together again. Suddenly there was something there, a connection between them. Severus felt as if for the first time in his life someone had understood how he felt and found words for him to utter it. That it had to be the werewolf was pure irony. Severus's capability to hate the man shrank rapidly, like a balloon after being pricked with a needle and it made him so angry, he wanted to break, no, destroy something.

He snatched the phial from the nightstand, deciding to leave as fast as possible, before he did destroy something; he wouldn't let the werewolf into his head, not to speak of his soul! He couldn't. So he turned on his heel and was about to storm out when Lupin caught his arm and his mild voice said, "Stay. Just a little longer, please." Severus looked over to the door and back to the werewolf, unmoving.

He met the werewolf's golden eyes with his onyx ones and again he felt his anger ebb away, although he tried to seize it and cling to it, the soothing effect of the other's placid ambers was far too strong. He wasn't ready to give in yet but he couldn't deny that he wanted to. The fuzzy feeling returned to his stomach accompanied by a slight shiver when the werewolf took his hand away, brushing his fingers against Severus's, deliberately. And although Lupin still was the best friend of his childhood tormentors, he wasn't one of them and the Potions master decided that that was a good enough reason to stop blaming him, hating him and being angry with him just for now and to obey his pleading eyes. They begged 'Stay'. And he did. Sitting down on the far end of Lupin's bed.

They sat in silence, comfortably this time. Severus watching Lupin quietly, his cold eyes tracing the other's every outline, every tiny little bit of skin that was revealed by the old Muggle tee-shirt he was wearing to bed, fuzzy feeling strengthening. Lupin leaning back against the headboard of his bed, entirely relaxed, a soft, peaceful smile on his red lips, eyes closed in exhaustion. No words were needed. It was one of those rare moments, in which it was enough to just be. The Potions master wondered what the werewolf was feeling at that very moment. The same as him? Did he... enjoy his presence? How could he? How could anyone? But then again, Lupin wasn't just anyone, right?

When Severus left to be in time for his next lesson he thought he heard Lupin mutter to himself,

"Once in a Blue Moon, there might be a second chance for us. And we might seize it."