The Teacher

Soil and Stone

During the next days, Severus noticed that it was far easier to hate the werewolf and feel angry at him when he wasn't present, so he avoided him as well as he could. Whenever anybody mentioned Lupin's name the Potions master would feel a flare of fury rise up in his guts and direct his most menacing look at the person who had uttered it. But as he didn't have Lupin close enough to bully him or humiliate him in front of the students or fellow teachers, he needed a substitute object for his revenge. And who would be better suited for that role than that dunderhead Longbottom? So Severus bullied him worse than ever instead of Lupin. It was partly the boy's fault, too, after all. Besides it made the blasted werewolf feel even guiltier. Severus saw him taking the boy aside one afternoon before lunch and overheard their conversation, unseen in the dark hallway that led to the dungeons.

"Listen, Neville, I heard that Professor Snape is giving you an especially hard time since the incident with the Boggart," Lupin's mild voice sounded over to Severus, dripping with Gryffindorish pity.

Longbottom nodded hesitantly.

"That's all my fault, Neville. I'm very sorry that Professor Snape's anger at me is falling back on you. If you like, I could talk to him," the werewolf offered and Severus felt himself look forward to that conversation, though he didn't exactly know the reason why. But Longbottom shook his head fiercely and said, "He will only bully me worse!"

And right he is, Severus smirked to himself his eyes fixed on Lupin's back. "I mean... he always bullied me, and I couldn't fear him more, than I already do, so... I'll be fine. Thanks Professor Lupin."

Lupin turned a little so that his profile was visible to Severus, his worried eyes so full of sympathy and guilt. He rubbed his forehead and shook his head. "I shouldn't have come up with anything like that in the first place. Now you have to suffer."

"No, Professor! I loved the lesson! It felt great, succeeding in something! I felt good thanks to you!"

Severus rolled his eyes and felt like he was about to throw up. This Gryffindor sentimentality. It was like in one of those Witch Weekly photograph comics. Not that he had ever read one of those!

As he saw Lupin's face brighten a little he retreated into the dungeons. He would have his lunch there; one more minute of seeing Lupin's expression of worried happiness spiced with a tinge of pride and he would throw up.

Sometimes when he strode through the corridors he still saw a small grin or heard a stifled snicker - which he would both punish with a week's detention at least! - but mostly he seemed to only imagine people laughing at him when they were actually laughing about something else. Especially since everybody knew that it was dangerous to laugh in Severus's presence, nobody really dared to even remember the Boggart-story anymore.

"Well, then, my boy. No harm done, right?" Albus said one day, smiling broadly. Severus glared at him. He wondered if he'd still say that if it had been him in the dress with the vulture hat. But then again Albus would probably have found it very funny indeed even if it had been him. Severus sighed, that man didn't have a reputation to lose, either.

"They are still laughing at me behind my back!" he said and crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.

Albus shook his head, smiling slightly. "Oh, Severus... They all fear you just as much, or maybe even more than before. Don't be so angry with poor Remus. You know it wasn't his intention to make you angry." Severus's face darkened. Why did they all defend Lupin as if he'd done something wonderful?

"Maybe such a comic relief was due," Albus continued and Severus stared at him in disbelief. "You see Severus, now that the tension is gone a little, the students know that you're just human, too, and it will be easier for them to study while you're looming over them!"

"And that's a positive result?" Severus muttered.

"Yes, Severus. We are a school after all. And the staff is much more relaxed, too, seeing that Remus can't be scared by you. That's good for our working climate! They feel less... intimidated now they know you won't kill them even if they put you into a dress." The Headmaster laughed a little and Severus could have jumped at his throat for it.

"They shouldn't be so sure..." he growled and he meant it. He hadn't killed Lupin yet because he couldn't. Whenever he saw Lupin look at him with those regretful golden eyes, free of pity but full of guilt, his anger disappeared. Never before had anyone affected him like that.

Though he felt a certain urge to try and upset the other man, to make him discard his calm posture, Severus wasn't able to be downright mean to him once he stood in front of him. And even if he was, the werewolf's mask seemed to have strengthened and no snide remark could wipe the smile off his face or let the politeness crumble. All of that led to a great frustration that the Potions master just couldn't bear and it affirmed him in his decision to stay away from him and hate him from afar, which, as he had noticed, had a different, but never the less satisfying effect on the werewolf.

Whenever Severus was in sight, Lupin would try to talk to him, catch up with him in hallways or ask him for a conversation. Severus either ignored him or told him most eloquently ("Get lost!") that he was not in the slightest interested in talking to him, which made Lupin rather desperate after a while. But he knew as well as Lupin that there was no way that he could avoid him forever.

As the end of September drew nearer so did the first full moon of the school year and the Potions master couldn't continue to ignore the werewolf any longer. Actually that hadn't been possible before either since he followed him into his quarters and dreams in the form of vivid golden eyes and a soft husky chuckle. Severus was on the verge of going crazy. He didn't want the werewolf in his dreams, he didn't even want him in the same country as himself, not even on the same planet!

But his body obviously did and his subconscious as well. Severus spent most of his waking moments cursing the man in every thinkable and unthinkable way but it didn't seem to work; the gods obviously loved Remus bloody Lupin. So the last solution was the Dreamless Sleep Draught. He had actually brewed a vast amount of it to get rid of the nightmares that had haunted him during and after the war but hadn't needed them for a while now and since the definition of a bad dream could be extended to dreams which were not good but bad for him, such as the dreams he had of Remus Lupin, he could definitely use the Draught now, too. He still had several phials left so he took one from his stores and put it onto his nightstand to take it before going to sleep that evening.

Severus had taken a walk around the lake and was now sitting on the stone steps before the gates to the Entrance Hall, staring up at the almost full moon. It was late in the evening and he had wished for Black to cross his way, but no madman was to be seen anywhere. Fate didn't grant him even that little satisfaction.

It had rained earlier in the day and the grass and the trees and the stone of the castle were still damp. The air was full of that scent. The scent that would rise from the moist soil and stone, filling the nose like the fumes of a potion. It was as if he could see the scent, hanging in the air like fog, intensified by the heat, smelling of all the things one usually didn't notice. Soil and stone spread their specific odours that could be clearly distinguished from the smell of the wet grass, and from far away a slight breeze brought the forest's very own fragrance to Severus's nose. He inhaled deeply, eyes closed, a calm, relaxed expression on his face and thought:

"I love this scent."

Severus opened his eyes in surprise and whirled round to face the source of the mild voice. Lupin was standing behind him to his left and smiled, his gaze wandering over the grounds. The Slytherin stared at him. He hadn't heard Lupin come and suddenly he felt rather defenceless without his wand in direct reach. He had let himself grow careless over the scent of the rain. What if Black had -

"Don't you, too, Severus?" the werewolf interrupted his thoughts and Severus noticed he was suddenly looking down at him meeting his stare with his amber eyes which were shining in the moonlight. Severus didn't answer. He felt a jolt go through his body and looked away, for the first time giving in to Lupin, showing a weakness. The werewolf chuckled softly and Severus tried to hide the shiver running through his body despite the remarkable heat.

Lupin sat down beside Severus, leaving a distance of about twenty inches between them. Severus shot a sidelong glance at him and saw the werewolf looking up at the moon as if transfixed by its otherworldly light. It made his skin glow silvery and Severus wondered if he looked like him now, with a glow round him like a ghost.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Lupin whispered hoarsely, his eyes never leaving the moon.

Severus followed his gaze and his eyes came to rest on the bright orb. He nodded then, slowly, and when Lupin sighed he turned to look at him again. The werewolf's features were full of emotion. His brows knitted his mouth half frown half smile, his eyes shining with two opposing feelings. Suddenly Severus was very aware of the lines around his eyes and the grey in his honey hair. He looked much older now, with the tired and grief-stricken expression on his face. As if he'd already lived his life three times before. And at the same time there was a strange look of awe in his eyes as if he were indecisive whether he should admire the moon or curse it, be happy he was alive, no matter in which condition, or hate it. It was... intriguing.

"Yes, it is," Lupin answered his own question. "And at the same time it is my constant tormentor. It causes me pain and fear. And I..." Then he faltered as if unable to say any more. Suddenly the smile had won over the frown and Lupin turned to Severus his eyes still sad and tired. "I am so grateful, that you enable me to forget some of the fear, Severus. It is the most wonderful gift anyone has ever made me... even if it wasn't your intention to do so."

Severus felt a strange feeling well up inside him, but he couldn't quite define what it was. He still didn't say anything but this time he didn't avert his eyes either. He was fascinated by Lupin's expression, his red lips curled upwards in a slight smile while his brows were definitely showing sadness and sorrow, and his eyes... Severus hadn't thought it possible that happiness and worried fear could really be displayed in one pair of eyes.

When he noticed that he was the cause of the worry that strange feeling grew even stronger. Lupin obviously expected an answer from him but he didn't know what to say. He wasn't good at such conversations.

"Well... I... not at all..." he stammered then and could've hit himself. Very good answer indeed, Snape. But Lupin's smile only broadened.

"What does it look like?" he asked and Severus raised an eyebrow in confusion. "The full moon," the werewolf clarified. "How does it look?"

Severus was taken aback by the question. Sure, he knew that the other man had been bitten as a child but somehow it was hard to believe that something as normal as the full moon could be such a mystery to the man. "It is round and bright and silver, Lupin. What kind of a question is that," he said silkily having recovered his spite.

The werewolf chuckled. "Sure. What answer was I expecting, really?" He wrapped his arms round himself as if he were cold and looked at the lake where the Giant Squid was moon bathing. Severus didn't know why he was still there with him, why he hadn't got up and left when the werewolf had arrived but something was holding him there, was keeping him from leaving.

"You really shouldn't worry about the others so much," the werewolf said quietly and ran a hand through his brown-grey hair.

It took Severus a second until he understood. "Of course you must think so," he replied sharply. "It's not you, they're laughing at."

"They're not laughing at you, Severus..."

"No sure, they're laughing with me, aren't they? Do you see me laughing, Lupin?" Severus snapped, suddenly agitated that he wasn't taken seriously by him either.

Lupin looked at his feet and sighed again. "No, never..." he replied with a small smile but this time it didn't look genuine. "I meant, they're laughing about an image of you, they're not laughing at something you did or said or even experienced in real life."

"It's still laughing..." Severus muttered, feeling defiant again. He wanted to tell someone how much it upset him and why. And somehow Lupin seemed the perfect person for that. At that very moment Severus felt that it was right to continue the conversation, although the urge to bang Lupin's head against a wall this time was very present. "Albus thinks it's good, because it relieves the tension. He called me a comic relief!"

He waited for Lupin's laugh, but it never came. The werewolf just sat there staring intently at Severus, listening closely, so he continued. "It is like when I was a student, when your friends... They all think I deserved it. The students, the teachers, even McGonagall! Because they hate me," he pressed the last sentence through his gritted teeth and was surprised at how painful it was to hear it, even from himself. He hated them all so why should it concern him if they reciprocated the feeling?

"They don't," Lupin said firmly and his hoarse voice sent tingles through Severus's body. "Maybe some do because you gave them enough reason, especially students, since children are fast at hating something or someone... but the staff don't hate you. Minerva and Albus don't hate you. Though, sometimes you might be quite unpleasant company."

Severus met his golden eyes and wondered if he really believed that or if it was just one of those Gryffindor traits to always think the best of everything and everyone. But somehow it made him feel better that the other hadn't just said that if everyone hated him, he only got what he deserved and provoked. And then there was a question on his mind that he just couldn't hold back.

"And you? Do you hate me?"

Lupin looked startled and cocked his head to one side. "No," he said simply but he didn't smile this time. Severus could hardly believe that. He had done his best to show his hatred to the werewolf and yet the other still didn't hate him back? And why on earth was that strange feeling growing stronger and stronger inside of him?

He was silent for a few minutes and against all odds it was a pleasant silence between them. They both inhaled the scent of the rain, enjoying the quiet of the summer night and Severus felt at peace somehow, for the first time in ages. His eyes sought Lupin's face again and taking in his delicate features, illuminated by the pale moonlight, he felt the anger about the dress-incident fall away from him onto the moist stone steps.

Then Lupin turned his head and their eyes met again. Suddenly Severus felt weak in the knees and had he stood he was sure he would have fallen. The golden orbs bored right into him and it felt as if he were stripped naked and forced to reveal the bottom of his soul without being able to resist, completely defenceless. Then a peaceful smile spread over Lupin's face and the worry vanished, replaced by subdued joy, returning the boyish youth to his face.

"I'm glad that you have been able to let go, Severus."

The Slytherin stared. Since when was he so obvious? Why could the werewolf see through him like that? Severus didn't like it! "How -"

"You look at peace," the other man said calmly. "As if you'd been freed of some load."

Severus kept staring. He couldn't deny it. He felt lighter somehow. He looked up into the sky; the polar star shone brightly above them. Then he saw Sirius and he felt cold suddenly in the warm night. He rose to his feet, straightening his robes, closely watched by the werewolf beside him. He noticed that his cold expression had slipped off his face and put it back in place to scowl down at the other. The scent of soil and stone was still in his nose and he breathed in, closing his eyes for a short moment, enjoying the mixture. Though they were mingled he could still distinguish them like white and black, like day and night.

"You will start taking the potion tomorrow and you will need to drink one goblet a day, for a week," he said as coldly as he could manage. "I will be expecting you in my office in the afternoon to fetch it."

"Yes, Severus, I'll be there," the werewolf said and as Severus turned to leave he added, "Good night."

"Don't forget it!" Severus snapped and disappeared into the Entrance Hall leaving Lupin and the anger behind on the steps. He still had that strange feeling and he still sensed the golden eyes looking right through him, making his legs soft. He hated it. He hated the man for it. Because rather than Severus having an effect on Lupin, Lupin had an effect on him and he just couldn't accept that.

And he couldn't bear the way Lupin could interest Severus in what he had to say, the way the werewolf seemed to understand him, or the way he made him talk and then listened to his woes, or the way he had said that he didn't hate him. And the feeling inside of himself, so confusing, so painful and so pleasant. Severus didn't want it. Any of it. After all that had happened between them in the past. What was that man doing to him? And yet... when he thought of how the man had encouraged him, how he had not laughed, Severus felt a tiny little spark of warmth in the pit of his stomach, quickly extinguished by his own coldness.

When he arrived in his quarters he changed into his nightwear and got into bed quickly, exhausted by the past weeks and keen on a recreative night's sleep. He reached for the phial of Dreamless Sleep Draught but decided on reading through his list of ingredients and instructions for the Wolfsbane Potion again before going to sleep, though he already knew it by heart. Everything needed to be perfect after all. When he finally put out the light with his wand, which he laid under his pillow, the phial still lay on the nightstand, untouched.