The Teacher

Laughter

It was Thursday which meant double Potions with the Slytherin and Gryffindor third-years. And that meant Harry Potter. Which meant again that Severus's mood was very low already in the early morning, when he got out of bed, rubbing his face to clear his mind from the dreams that had haunted him during the night. That insufferable laugh of that insufferable man! And his golden eyes seeing right through him and that smile, never changing, never. That face, always friendly and cheerful, his politeness never faltering even towards Severus. Even in his dreams. They had been very vague dreams, mostly sounds. Mostly laughter. Not just Lupin's chuckle. He hated laughter. He hated it when they laughed at him.

Severus pushed himself off the bed angrily. He didn't want to remember. And now every time he saw Lupin's face, he had to. And every time he heard Lupin's laugh... but no, Lupin had never laughed at him, had just been there, doing nothing, looking away. He hadn't approved. But he hadn't intervened either. The anger turned into a dull ache. He could have done something.

He walked into the bathroom and, looking into the mirror, his own black, cold eyes staring back at him, he splashed some cold water into his face to get rid of the drowsiness and his husky laugh ringing in his ears.

As the Potions master was making his way to the Great Hall for breakfast, his face stern and indifferent as ever, his black robes billowing in his wake impressively, he smirked at the sight of some first-years jumping out of his way with frightened looks on their faces. His mood rose a little and when he swept past Lupin, who was walking rather slowly towards the High Table, he didn't even notice. But Lupin did.

"Oh, good morning, Severus. I have already been wondering why I was here earlier than you," Severus heard his hoarse and disgustingly cheerful voice say. The Slytherin rolled his eyes and his mood dropped again when Lupin caught up with him. "You must be up at the most indecent hours. You are always here before me."

Severus shot a poisonous look at him. Again without the required effect. Lupin kept smiling, meeting Severus's cold onyxes with his warm ambers, obviously entirely unimpressed. And there at the High Table sat Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling into their direction, obviously enjoying the sight of them together.

"Could we skip the small talk and get back to silence? Because I have not the slightest desire to chat with you about my daily habits," Severus said in a low threatening voice.

But Lupin smiled on. "Ah, I see," he said but not in an offended tone at all. It was so annoying! It was as if Lupin just ignored all the hatred that filled Severus's every word, his every look and gesture when directed at him. It made Severus sick. Why was the other so calm, so unaffected? He had always been friendly and had never lost his temper at school, either, a quiet and intelligent boy that hadn't quite fit into the show-off team Black and Potter had formed. But he had never failed to flinch or look hurt whenever Severus had shot a snide remark at him. Lupin had always been affected by Severus's unfriendliness. Why not now? What had changed? Since when was he so relaxed? All the other teachers except Albus and McGonagall were scared of him and avoided him, so why not Lupin? It was a mystery to Severus and he hated the way it drove him crazy.

"Well, enjoy your breakfast, Severus," the blasted werewolf said politely when they had reached the table, and went to his seat on the other side. The Potions master watched him walk away and sat down slowly, never taking his eyes off the werewolf who sat down between Professors McGonagall and Flitwick. There was something about him, apart from his hair and his robes and his voice, that was different. Different from the last time they had met before the war had ended. His smiles seemed genuine, but were they really? Severus narrowed his eyes when he saw Lupin smile at McGonagall. There was something about him that seemed forced, wasn't there? Again his stomach felt fuzzy and he blamed it on being hungry. Shaking his head at himself and rubbing his eyes he turned away from the werewolf to his plate.

"A Boggart? Is that true? Yesterday afternoon?" Lupin's excited voice sounded over to him. "That is excellent! Exactly what I need for my third-year Gryffindors! Um, Headmaster?"

"Yes, Remus?" Albus answered cheerfully.

"May I ask you to leave the Boggart in the staff room? I will take care of it with my third-year class this afternoon."

"Of course, Remus. Wonderful idea!"

"Thank you, Headmaster."

A Boggart, huh? Not the wisest creature to choose if you want to keep your secret, Severus thought smirking and shoveled some scrambled egg onto his plate.

His Potions class went as usual, he bullied Weasley and Potter and displayed Longbottom's incompetence in front of the class. Or he tried to and would have succeeded if the know-it-all hadn't interfered. It lifted his mood a little when he took five points from Gryffindor but somehow he still felt as if the day would only get worse.

Having settled down in his favourite armchair in the staff room after lunch he was soon disturbed by Lupin and his class, whose arrival was announced by Peeves's loud singing of his old rhyme "loony loopy Lupin" which was followed by a banging noise and the poltergeist's cursing. Obviously Lupin didn't let everyone get away with insulting him anymore. Nevertheless, Severus would risk it. A few moments later the children entered followed by their DADA teacher, and Severus was forced to leave after a few snide remarks about Longbottom which again didn't affect Lupin at all; rather on the contrary since the werewolf gave him a rather effective retort that made him curl his lip. He wasn't in the mood for a fight, though, so he didn't give anything back. It would only have been frustrating anyway, seeing him smile or raise his eyebrows with a calm reply on his lips, looking up at Severus with those tranquil golden eyes without being offended or agitated. Besides Severus didn't want to be humiliated by the way he didn't affect Lupin or the way the blasted werewolf was so quick-witted.

He imagined all kinds of ways to get rid of him, many of them would have landed him in Azkaban, though, so he decided to give up on it for now. Instead his mind obviously enjoyed showing him pictures of the werewolf. The way he would raise his eyebrows at Severus's words, or the way he smiled instead of backing off, or the way he replied with a slight chuckle in his husky voice, as if they were having the most normal conversation. He stood his ground, not letting Severus intimidate him, as if to show him that they were equals. He let him know every time their eyes met. Every time those golden orbs held his own pitch-black stare, not giving in by looking away. Actually, Severus thought, ignoring the shiver that ran through his body, his new self-confidence was kind of intriguing. It made him... more interesting than the other dunderheads that came across Severus every day. It made him attractive. Severus stopped dead at that thought and had the sudden urge to bang his head against the nearest stone wall. Attractive? No, that wasn't what he had meant to think. He didn't know where that had come from.

Severus took a deep breath to clear his mind and resumed his way to the dungeons. Lupin and he were not equals! And his obtrusive manner of trying to involve him in conversation annoyed Severus every time. Sometimes Severus thought that he was doing it on purpose, just to make him angry. But that wasn't like the werewolf at all. At least it hadn't been like him when he'd still been a boy. And somehow Severus didn't really believe it, either. But what else could it be?

Still appalled by his own mind's thoughts, Severus spent the rest of the day in his laboratory, getting a bit of work done for his seventh-year Potions class. He didn't want to see Lupin, or hear him. Never again. But since that was impossible if he didn't want to resign, keep the Azkaban prisoners company or commit suicide, which were all unacceptable possibilities, he might as well familiarise with the Wolfsbane Potion. And hopefully he would be able to improve it over the following weeks and maybe months. So he sat down with Lupin's data and the potion recipe, starting to write down the little changes in the amount of some ingredients. When he arrived at the werewolf's weight he hesitated. 55 - 60 kilogrammes. Much too thin for his height. He would have to check Lupin's weight again before the full moon, since it was probable that he'd gain some weight, eating properly at Hogwarts.

Severus brushed the end of his quill against his forehead. Maybe Lupin was so relaxed because he finally had no worries in life anymore. Where do I get the money to eat from? When will I need to patch my robes again? When will I find work? And how long until they sack me? All those things were off his mind now. Maybe he didn't want to spoil his new-found happiness by getting into a fight with Severus...

When he had finished correcting the recipe, Severus got up from his desk and entered the living room. It wasn't even midnight yet, but he didn't feel like staying up, with Lupin ghosting about his thoughts, so he took his wand to put out the lights and with a glass of red wine and a yawn he retired to his bedroom. Outside, the crescent moon shone down upon the grounds, dipping the lake and the forest into its cold, silvery light. Intriguing, how firm a grip that light has on some, was the last thing on Severus's mind that night, very intriguing indeed.

But the orbs that shone down on him in his dreams were not silver and cold, they were golden and filled with warmth.

***

It was Friday. The one day of the week Severus anticipated with impatience, maybe he even looked forward to it just a little bit. It was the last day before the weekend meaning at least some quiet hours which he could spend alone in his quarters without noisy Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs getting on his nerves. But today was different. He'd been in a bad mood all day. Since he had gotten out of bed, he had had a feeling that this Friday wouldn't turn out well and he had been right: he noticed that something was wrong when he entered the Great Hall for breakfast. Instead of the scared looks he usually saw on the students' faces when he was present, they all stared at him in amusement and sniggered and whispered to each other. Obviously something had occurred that Severus had no knowledge of. Yet. His suspicions grew stronger still when he saw the werewolf choke on his toast at the sight of him, quickly averting his eyes and pretending to be deeply in conversation with Flitwick. He looked guilty, like a small child that had just smashed Mum's favourite vase. Severus's eyes narrowed. What had Lupin done?

As he sat down and buttered a piece of toast he glanced round himself at the other teachers and made out the same expressions on their faces that he had seen on the students'. But as soon as he focused his eyes on one of them they looked away, apparently afraid that he might ask what was the matter. Annoyed, Severus concentrated on his food and as soon as he'd finished he left for the staff room, having no class in the first lesson. He sat down in the low armchair and waited for his prey; someone to ask what was going on. He didn't have to wait long until McGonagall and Vector entered, talking about him. They hadn't noticed him yet, so he kept silent in his armchair, straining his ears to catch their conversation.

"I still can't believe it. It's hilarious," Vector said with a snicker.

"Don't let Severus hear that," McGonagall replied but giggled none the less. "Remus was so nervous when he came to breakfast today. Unusually early, too. I told him to avoid Severus for a while but he seemed eager to apologise."

Ah! Severus thought, so it was Lupin, after all.

"Come on, that Lupin has a good sense of humor! That was exactly what we needed!" Vector laughed and Severus froze. "I haven't had such a good laugh since Dumbledore dyed his own beard pink years ago."

They both chuckled and Severus felt himself grow angrier by the second.

"Well," McGonagall said finally. "I'm sure he didn't mean it as a joke. But then again, what was he expecting? Of course the whole school would laugh their heads off at that! But it was either really brave or suicidal, sticking Severus's Boggart replica into the dress of Longbottom's grandmother."

"HE DID WHAT?!" Severus roared as he jumped up from his armchair, the two women recoiling in shock.

"Severus, have you been there all the time?" McGonagall cried, pressing one hand to her heart.

"HE DID WHAT?!" he shouted again, clenching his fists until his knuckles grew white.

"Oh, Severus, don't be so upset it was only a Boggart," the Transfiguration Professor tried to calm him down.

"Only a Boggart? ONLY A - ? IT WAS ME NONETHELESS!" Severus was furious. So furious that he could have blown up Hogwarts castle with a single spell. That werewolf was only just so far away from getting himself killed already in the first week of his employment.

The door opened and the rest of the staff shuffled in to make the last preparations for their classes before the first lesson started. At Severus's sight, though, they stopped and looked at the two witches, then at Severus and back again.

"You've told him, haven't you?" Flitwick asked and earned himself a deathly look from Severus. Then he was there, standing in the doorway with a worried look on his face, his posture that of a dog, expecting punishment. Or a wolf rather.

"You!" Severus whispered in his most dangerous voice. Lupin stepped forward a little, holding up his hands as if to pacify the Potions master's fury.

"Listen, Severus, I'm sorry. If you just let me explain -" he said hoarsely in that calm voice of his and it made Severus angrier still.

"Explain? EXPLAIN? YOU MADE A FOOL OF ME! HOW DARE YOU RIDICULE ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL?!" he shouted, stepping closer to Lupin and his lacking effect on the man frustrated him even more than it had the days before.

"I didn't mean to do so," Lupin said his voice still calm, his golden eyes placid, staring up at him, not moving an inch away from Severus. "Listen, I didn't plan on you being what Neville fears most, what should I have done? Tell him that 'I'm sorry but under those circumstances it is impossible for you to try out the spell'?"

"YES, THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE! INSTEAD YOU LET HIM PUT ME INTO A DRESS!"

Severus just couldn't stop shouting at him. It reminded him so much of the situations Potter and Black had put him into at school. Everybody was laughing at him. Even McGonagall. He was sure even Albus. But Lupin...

"I didn't think, Severus. ("Well, that doesn't surprise me!" Severus commented.) I needed a quick solution and didn't consider the consequences," the werewolf said with genuine - or was it genuine? - regret in his voice. "I'm sorry it turned out like this. But what's done is done, I can't change it now. I can only tell you how much I regret it. It wasn't my aim to upset you or make fun of you, you can rest assured of that."

Severus had listened, but felt no better. The werewolf regretted his actions, but he had also regretted his passiveness at school. He had apologised then, too. Sometimes, when they had been out of earshot of his little friends. And it hadn't made Severus feel any better then, either. It didn't change anything. They were laughing. All of them. And even though Severus enjoyed having Lupin at his mercy, he couldn't blend out the laughter in his ears. It was there all the time. Haunting him. But Lupin...

"And still you made me the whole school's joke," Severus whispered, having calmed himself a little. He could see the other teachers standing round them, staring at them, some still with their silly smiles on their faces, as they thought about him in the dress, he was sure they did, and he just wanted to disappear into the ground. But he wouldn't let it show on his face. "Do you want to start again where they left off?" he then said quietly and shot Lupin a glance that made him understand whom he meant.

And there it was. The effect. Not as obvious as he had wished for it to be, but it was there. Lupin staggered. Not physically, but behind his amber eyes Severus saw the short flicker of an expression of uncertainty and shame. And it was fascinating. As if after years and years of exhausting research he had finally succeeded in brewing the most magnificent new potion. It made him feel victorious and gleeful and it let him forget the laughter. And then it was gone. Replaced by Lupin's usual unaffected indifference. And suddenly Severus knew what was different about him. It was his mask.

"You know that is not what I want. I wouldn't even think of doing such a thing," the werewolf said, his voice suddenly cold.

They stared at each other, and again Lupin didn't break the eye contact. Nobody dared say anything and Severus would almost have faltered, when he saw Lupin frown suddenly, his eyes distant as if looking right through Severus. And he did look through him, right inside of him, Severus was sure of that. He felt it. "I'm sorry," he said again, quietly, ruefully. "Please, forgive me. That's all I can say."

The Potions master had enough of the apologies. He couldn't bear the laughter. He had built himself a high and thick wall of respect and fear so no one would laugh at him anymore and now it had been damaged. Several bricks lay at his feet and he was too exhausted to pick them up and put them back where they belonged. But he would do it to shield himself from the laughter. And when he looked around himself he saw the laughter in all their eyes, felt the laughter of the students behind the thick stone walls and remembered the laughter of his own school mates from twenty years ago. Everyone laughed at him again. But Lupin... Lupin didn't laugh. Had never laughed. Would never laugh.

Suddenly all the fury he felt drained from his body like water from a bathtub. He couldn't help but believe Lupin's words and as much as he tried to hold on to the anger all that he was left with was that dull ache again. He wouldn't forgive him but he couldn't feel angry anymore now. It was a little comfort to him, though, that the werewolf seemed to suffer, too.

Severus sighed and waving his hand at Lupin as if he wanted to brush the dust off an old book he swept past him heading for the door, leaving the werewolf behind in the middle of the staffroom, head bent.

When Severus strode through the corridors he pondered on the expression he'd seen in the werewolf's eyes. It had been short but it had been there. Definitely. And he realised that he'd been wrong about one thing: it was not the self-confidence that made Lupin intriguing, it was what he was hiding with it. And the fact that he was hiding something at all. Of course Severus was fascinated by the way Lupin wouldn't let himself be fought down, but it was even more fascinating to find out that there was more to him than that calm face and that friendly smile. Severus wanted to know what else there was behind those golden eyes. And the challenge of finding a way to peel off that mask of his excited the Potions master. And then there was the fact that they had something in common. The masks they wore, different as they might be on the outside, to shield themselves from the world.

Severus stopped to lean against the cold stone wall and rubbed his neck, closing his eyes. He wanted to see those amber eyes flooded with emotion again, wanted to hear his usually warm voice heated and frozen and what he wanted most of all was to hear the sound of that husky chuckle once more; though he wasn't ready to admit that to himself yet.