Hogwarts - A Soap Opera

"Sirius, you have to help me! Ron's fallen down the well, Hermione's pretending to go out with Draco but he's secretly in love with his sister who his parents just adopted, meanwhile Hermione's cheating on him with Ginny, who is trying to avoid telling her family she's a lesbian, and Percy just left a suicide note saying he can't go on fighting with the family like this, Fred and George are lovers, Molly has a drinking problem because Arthur is too involved in his work and never pays any attention to her anymore, Bill murdered Charlie because he found him sleeping with Fleur, who is now having Krum's baby, Bill is in jail but nobody will bail him out because they are all wrapped up in their own little misshapen worlds, Luna has just had Neville's baby, but it died, and Neville fell in love with the nurse that delivered it, and because he is so ashamed of the fact, he joined the death eaters, but even they have problems, Bellatrix is deeply in love with Voldemort, and so was her husband before she killed him because he was too much competition, Lucius has become some big sweaty man named Bob's bitch in Azkaban, Narcissa is on anti-depressants because her only son is in love with his adopted sister and Voldemort decided he doesn't want to be a evil lord anymore and is getting plastic surgery to go back to being handsome!"

Here Harry paused for breath, giving his godfather time to respond.

"Well Harry I'm very sorry to hear all this but I'm afraid I have my own problems to deal with right now.

You see I have been Remus's secret lover ever since fifth year, I'm gay and he's bisexual, but now he has abandoned me for Tonks, who used to be in love with Snape, but gave up on him when she found out he loved Lily, and when she died he came over to the good side because he regretted telling Voldemort to go after them, so now he is bitter towards you because James stole the woman he loved, Mad eye has become a pyromaniac and just burnt down the ministry of magic, Peter came back to the good side but overdosed on heroin because he told Voldemort where the Potters lived and wanted to forget all his mistakes, so now he's dead, Cho was just raped by Goyle and has manic depression, Crabbe was in love with Ginny but he has found out she is a lesbian and went off to join the circus, where he now acts as the tightrope walker, only he used a unicycle, which he couldn't ride all that well so he fell into the lions cage and was ripped to pieces, which made Lee Jordan, who was planning on asking Crabbe to marry him, go insane and now he lives on the streets under park benches and in bus stops!"

Here Sirius also had to take a breather, which gave Dumbledore, who had just walked him, the opportunity to speak.

"As much as your problems need solving, I'm afraid I can't help, because there are even more misfortunes.

Hagrid is upstairs screwing Buckbeak; Pansy has become morbidly obese since Draco started dating Hermione, I popped the question on Minerva but as we were getting married her ex boyfriend, Regulus, who it turns out is not dead but has been living under a false identity for many years came and swept her off her feet, and they are now having a Vegas wedding, Flitwick rediscovered his goblin ancestors and now lives as one of them, Pomona just married Poppy, so Hogwarts needs a new school nurse and a new herbology teacher, Madam Hooch just got a sex change and married Sybil, but they broke up when Hooch's young Australian cousin came to town, and Marietta is in love with Ron and is right now attempting to fish him out of the well!"

Dumbledore finished.

A few seconds later Mungdungus walked in from where he was eavesdropping just outside the door, he had heard the entire conversation.

"Hey, guys, you do realize none of this is real, don't you?" he asked them.

They looked at him blankly.

"You fell asleep while watching a Passions marathon on the telly, you dreamed it all!"

Fin