For the Bloodline

No one in the Black household was enjoying their Holiday.

"I AM NOT MARRYING THAT!"

"Sirius Bartholeme Black!" Ingrid Black towered over her son, radiating displeasure. Her coiffed and curled towered even higher, resonating with all the suffering of a 16th century wig. "You will marry whoever your father and I tell you to, and be glad for the privilege!"

Behind her, the cardboard cut-out standing in for his father was silent. It usually was. No one dared ask what had happened to the flesh-and-blood man.

"He's my brother!"

"All the better for pureblooded children."

Regulus Black, the brother in question, for his own part in the discussion had been tied up and gagged the first time he'd even suggested what he'd rather do with his private bits.

"That's incest!" Sirius was in a towering rage. Unfortunately, he didn't tower near as well as his mother, who'd had much more practice at it. His usual skill-set, charm and good looks, were hopefully useless in this scenario.

Hopefully.

"MMM!' Regulus agreed from his corner, nodding frantically.

"You will marry your brother, and you will like it!" Mrs. Black settled the dispute by whapping her eldest son on the nose with her wand. "Even if it kills you!" She flounced off, nose in the air.

A servant crept behind her, carrying their "father".

"Â…Hell," Sirius summed up the situation, heading over to slide down the wall and sit by his brother. "I'm not marrying you. Nothing on this body is touching anything on that body. Got it?" He pulled out the gag.

Regulus nodded full agreement. "Deal. Does that mean it's outcest?"

Sirius shoved the gag back in.

***

"She can't be serious!" ran up and down the Gryffindor breakfast table when he returned to Hogwarts. From there the news spread to the rest of the Great Hall, though by the time it reached the Hufflepuffs it had somehow transformed into the age-old account of Dumbledore's love affair with the Charms classroom curtains, the stain of which remained evidence of their passion.

"Marry your own brother?" James demanded for the fifteenth time, running his hands through his already-demolished hair. "That's insane!"

On the other side of the table, Remus just tapped his spoon against his lips thoughtfully. "And for children. There's something deeply disturbing about that."

"What am I supposed to do?" A breeze blew down the great hall, ruffling Sirius' silky hair. Suddenly, the clatter of people eating and talking took on a rhythm. Lily Evans, who had somehow escaped professorial attention where she was perched at the Ravenclaw table, detached herself from Theresa Thornberry's tonsils long enough to start a clapping beat.

"Maybe you should find a girlfriend?" Peter suggested, face pudgy and voice faintly lyrical.

"Or a boyfriend," Remus added, sucking on his spoon in a very disturbing manner.

"No, what he needsÂ…" James' voice, normally high in an adolescent way, deepened to near operatic ranges. "Is some T-L-C."

"T-L-C, T-L-C," the students of Hogwarts chorused in whisper.

Sirius stood on the bench. "Since the founding of this great school, no one's faced seen anything so sick," he belted out, dancing his way around the sausages and to the center of the table. "How can this be, my parents want me to dip my brother's--"

"SIRIUS BLACK!"

The music ground to a halt.

At the head table, McGonagall crossed her arms and glowered down at the students, hat bristling with fury. "I will NOT have this story degenerate into an excuse for pointless teenage fornication," she announced in tones that rang all the way out to Hogsmeade. "If you insist on inserting a musical number, I must require that it be appropriate for your age!"

The Great Hall was silent. Finally, a lone Hufflepuff dared to ask, "Can anyone think of something besides sex to sing about?"

The entire student body shook their heads.

"Well, damn it," Lily pouted, hand slithering up her friend's skirt.

McGonagall spoke again. "And Miss Evans will stay with cannon record! To the Gryffindor table! Now!" She sat down in a huff.

Lily and James exchanged appraising looks. "Can Theresa come with me?"

"Just as long as you're madly in love with Potter, no one cares."

"Alright!" Bouncing perkily, Lily and Theresa made their way over to Gryffindor. There was a moment of confusion as everyone rearranged themselves. James ended up with redheaded Lily on his right, exotic-dark Theresa on his left, and Sirius forcibly relocated to the other side of the table where he squished between Remus and Peter.

James spent every meal after deliriously happy. Sirius just hoped it was Remus' hand on his thigh under the table.

***

The sixth year boy's dorm being off-limits while James discovered the wonders of womanhood, Sirius had been forced to mourn in the common room. The remaining single Marauders chased the more impressionable students out and took over.

"What am I going to do?" Sirius demanded, sulking with his head in Remus' lap while stretched out on the couch. The werewolf petted his hair soothingly.

"You can run away," Peter offered, doodling in his notebook.

"I'm not scheduled to do that until this summer," came the instant reminder. "I need to do something now. Just waiting for the inevitable plot twist won't work.

"Why not... What if you had to be with someone else?" Remus asked mildly. "Like a magical contract or something."

"But where am I going to get a magical contract to marry someone I can stand on such short notice?"

"Peter!"

The dog animagus and werewolf stared at their friend.

Peter blushed. "Sorry. Bad habit-- blurting out my own name like that. So sorry."

They turned back to the subject at hand. "Why not me?" Remus asked, scratching behind Sirius' ear.

The Black heir melted. "You?" he managed, all feeling floating out of his limbs.

"We can say that werewolves mate for life or some shite like that." Ink-stained fingers kept scratching. "Magical contract, gets you out of this mess, and we're already shagging so there's nothing to lose."

"But we've never--" he was cut off by a gentle twist of his ear that sent his nerve centers reeling.

"That can be changed." Remus' voice was rather smug. Sirius managed a whimper in reply. It seemed to incite Remus to farther action, because he leaned down and planted a kiss square on Sirius's unresisting lips.

They broke apart when the door to the sixth year boys' dorm burst open. James Potter rushed out, clad only in his original packaging. "NOOOO!" he howled all the way down the stairs, making to dive out the window. Lily and Theresa rushed out half-dressed and tackled him less than a foot from uncertain death.

"You're marrying us both, Potter!" the girls chorused, dragging his screaming, writhing form back to safety.

James cried like a baby, forcing Lily to pull her wand from where she'd stashed it in the waistband of her panties. A quick Stupefy later, and James was no longer protesting.

"I guess book one has to be re-titled..." Peter mused. "Maybe 'Harry Has Two Mommies and a Very Happy Daddy'?"

Theresa and Lily belted him simultaneously.