Great Tuna Sandwiches

Great Tuna Sandwiches Chapter one: Revenge on the stupid boys.

Lily Evans sighed, dreamily,watching Paul McKinney, so called "love of her life" walk nearer to her.

"Hey, Paul," she said, smiling at him.

"Hi, Lily," he said, obviously distracted. Sorry, I have to go load my trunk."
"Ok," Lily said, trying not to sound too disappointed. "I'll talk to you later, then."

Stupid boy. Stupid world. Stupid teenage boys that live in the stupid world that talk to stupid girls who stupidly want stupid revenge.

Perhaps an explanation is needed. Paul is a sixteen-year-old boy from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Lily, also a sixth year, has liked him, since, well, forever. So much, in fact, her friends all thought she was obsessed. Were they right? Probably. Did Lily like that? Definitely not. After attending a school dance together, Paul began to ignore Lily, who then found out that he had had a girlfriend the whole time. Of course Lily was heartbroken, so why, in the world of great tuna sandwiches, did Lily just talk to him? Well, you see, Paul still thinks Lily is head over heels in love with him and uses that information for his own purposes. However, Lily is absolutely NOT in love with Paul. She thinks he's a cruel, insensitive, heartless- well, we won't go there. No, instead, Lily is getting her revenge. Poor Paul.

"LILY EVANS! HELP ME!"

Lily, interupted from her thoughts, turned around to see one of her best friends, Jack Andrews, dragging his trunk (which wasn't shut right and had flopped open, spilling some of Jack's belongings all over the floor of Platform 9 3/4), and frantically waving a piece of parchment in the air. Lily rolled her eyes. Jack never got his homework done.

"What now? Christmas break wasn't long enough for you to finish?" Lily asked him, helping pick up his things and then load his trunk onto the train.

"I hate Transfiguration. Stinkin' McGonagall. Two foot long essay on the most impossible, boringest subject in the whole world-" Jack continued to mumble about the unfairness of having homework over Christmas break and that, "since we're sixth years, we shouldn't have any, we should be too busy having a good time and enjoying what childhood we have left!"

"You're impossible, Jack."

"Hey, Jack, Lils, how were the holidays?" Remus Lupin had joined the two, unnoticed over Jack's complaining.

"Hey, Remie!" Jack said, forgetting the injustice of homework.

"They were fine," Lily said, "Potter's not here, is he?"

Remus grinned. "He stayed at Hogwarts."
"Good," Lily said. It is a well known fact that Lily Evans and James Potter hate each other. They share the same friends (except for Peter; he and Lily don't talk often), but they hate each other. Why? They've no idea, some little incident on the train ride to school in first year that's been forgotten. They just annoy each other too much to be civil to one another.

Remus, Lily, and Jack found an empty compartment, which really wasn't too hard, considering it was only Christmas holidays and most Hogwarts students had started to stay at school, especially since Voldemort began killing wizards. The train ride was rather uneventful, except for when the trio decided to set off a few dozen dungbombs in Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy's compartment. But other than that "near death" experience, nothing happened. They arrived at school to find James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, Shannon Bousky and Marie Conners waiting for them.

"JACKIE BOY!" Sirius yelled (not excited in the least, of course).

"Don't call me that!" Jack exclaimed, annoyed.

"Jamsie, I'm so happy! You wanna know why? Huh, huh, huh?" Sirius said, jumping up and down.

James grinned at his friend's antics. "Why, Sirius?"

"JACKIE BOY, Moony and Lily-girly are back! Now we can pull some real pranks! Sorry, Petey, but you're just not as good as these guys!" Sirius said, gesturing to Lily, Jack and Remus.

"Gee, thanks," Peter mumbled.

"Come, come, we've so many pranks to pull, so little time! We've only a year and a half left! That's it! We gotta break the prank record! Now, I was thinking-" Sirius then dragged Remus and Jack off, followed by a skipping James and a protesting Peter.

Lily rolled her eyes and turned back to her other two best friends, Marie and Shannon. "Lily-girly? How many times did you two clobber him?"

Marie grinned. "Too many to count."
"How was Petunia? As awful as always?" Shannon asked.

"She stayed in her room or with her boyfriend for most of the holidays. Too bad, though, I had a few extra dungbombs to use."
"Aww, darn," Marie said.

Lily grinned. "Don't worry, I left them in her room to find before I left."
"YAY!" Marie said. "I'm so proud of you, Lil!" The girls laughed and left to go have dinner.

*

"POTTER! YOU'RE A BLOODY IDIOT!" was the scream that awoke all of the Gryffindor Tower (almost anyway, except for the heavy sleepers) at the wonderful hour of five AM. James Potter, in the boys dorm, burst into laughter. The door slammed open, revealing a very angry Lily, whose hair was now pink, green, blue and red, her skin was pink and green striped and she had six fingers on each hand instead of five.

"YOU'RE GONNA GET IT, POTTER!" Lily screamed at him. Marie and Shannon arrived and took Lily back to the girls dorm.

"Huh? Whassamatterwither?" Jack asked, groggily as Peter rolled over and started snoring.

"You should have seen her face!" James said, laughing.

Sirius' eyes widened and he ran to his trunk, grabbed something and ran out of the dorm.

"Uh-oh," Remus muttered. Sure enough, a few minutes later, Sirius rushed back into the dorm, slammed the door shut and leaned against it, smiling triumphantly.

"What did you do?" Remus asked as somebody- Lily- began pounding on the door.

Sirius grinned. "Pictures- I mean, blackmail!"

"SIRIUS BLACK! GIVE ME THOSE!"

"Why, Lily, darling, you look so lovely in them!" Sirius replied.

Lily let out a frustrated scream. "I'm going to get you back for this!" The boys could hear her kick the door ("OW!") and then stomp down the stairs. Sirius and James burst into laughter while Remus and Jack smiled.

"Whaddaya laughin' at?" Peter asked.

"Nothin' Petey, go to sleep," Remus said, but Peter was already asleep.
James laughed again. "Six fingers. That was grand."

*

Lily stomped through the corridors, glaring at anybody who looked at her. Shannon and Marie hadn't been able to fix her hair (it was now tye-dyed from their efforts) or her fingers. Her skin, though, was back to normal. Lily sighed and adjusted the hat on her head, cursing Potter for his stupidity as a lock of pink and green hair fell down from under her hat. She tucked it back in, somewhat clumsily due to her extra fingers.

"What shall we do for revenge on Potter and Black?" she asked Marie, who was more of a prankster than Shannon.

"It has to be really big...we could shave their heads and paint them purple."
"You can't do that!" Shannon said. "It would last too long to be considered a prank! It'd be torture!"

"All the better!" Lily said, smiling. "We could also...."

Marie and Shannon waited. "We could also do what?" Marie prompted.

Lily grinned and told them her expanding idea and the girls laughed.

"That's great! When are you going to do it?"
"Right when he thinks I'm so ecstatic from the whole 'Paul thing,'" Lily grinned.

"I think Lily and James are too alike for their own good," Shannon whispered to Marie.

"What did you say?" Lily asked.

Marie and Shannon grinned and said "Nothing."
Lily glared at them but left it alone to tuck another lock of hair that had escaped from her hat back to its 'hiding place.'

*
"So, Lils, when are you going to help me with my Charms essay?" Jack asked, falling onto the seat next to Lily in the Common Room.

"When are you going to learn there's a library open to you?"

"When are you going to learn that Madame Pince banned me from there because I kept asking her questions?"

Lily blinked. "When did you ever go to the library?"

Jack grimaced. "You were sick so I left you alone-"
"For once."

"-and tried to do my homework on my own. Worst experience of my life."
"Really."
"Yes! It was so.....booky! The whole room just seemed to crush your brain in from the outside because there was so much stuff to learn there." Jack shuddered. "It was awful."

Marie stared at him. "Right. Now tell her what really happened."

"Marie helped me," Jack admitted. "But I'm NEVER going into the library again."

*

Paul McKinney had it all. He had a great girlfriend, he was the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain, everybody liked him, he had his own little fan club...Life was bliss.

"Hey, Paul," Lily said, as she matched her speed with his own.
'And if it isn't that little fan club president now,' Paul thought to himself smugly. "Hi Lily. How ya doing?"

Lily grinned brightly at him. "Wonderful. And yourself?"

"Smashing."

"That's good. What are you doing?"

"Just walking around," Paul was, in fact, going to meet his girlfriend, a Hufflepuff named Olivia, buy Lily didn't need to know that. She didn't even know he had a girlfriend.

"I guess I'll keep you company then."
"Ok," Paul said, pondering on what to do. Olivia couldn't find out he was hanging out with Lily Evans when he was supposed to be with her.

"Good luck in the Quidditch match this weekend," Lily said. "Gryffindor and Ravenclaw."

"Yeah, you're on the Gryffindor team, right?"

"Sure am!" Lily said, obviously pleased that he had noticed. Paul smiled to himself. "Chaser. You are too, so we'll be getting to see a lot of each other during the game."

"Yeah we will," Paul said. "Listen, I've got to get going. I'm supposed to meet somebody to help them with Charms."
"Oh," Lily sounded disappointed.

'And why wouldn't she be?' Paul thought.

"Ok, then I'll see you later."

Lily turned around and headed back the way she had come.

Paul grinned. 'Stupid girl. Has no idea.'
*

Lily could barely contain herself as she headed back to Gryffindor Tower. 'That oaf won't even know what hit him!' However, since Lily was so absorbed in her own thoughts of revenge on stupid boys, she ran into one she hated the most. James Potter.

"Potter, watch where you're going!"

"Me? I'm not the one who just ran into somebody!"

"Yes you are, you oaf, you ran into me!"

"Yes, that makes sense. I'm just here, minding my own business-"

"You're never minding you're own business!"

"And then I walk around a corner and BOOM! There you are, paying no attention whatsoever."
"Right, Potter, then why are you next to the library? You hate the place about as much as Jack does."
"For your information, I had a date."
"Really. Who's the new flavor of the week?" Lily asked.

James glared at her. "Katherine Jones."
Lily laughed. "That idiot? Really, Potter, I thought you had better taste than THAT!"

James rolled his eyes. "For your information, Evans, she's better than you could ever be."

Lily's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What did you say, Potter?"

James ignored her and walked off.

"Just you wait, Potter. I've got a lovely surprise coming for you."
*

"I HATE YOU, PAUL! YOU'RE A LYING-"

"Olivia, please! I didn't do anything!"

"YOU CHEATED ON ME!"

"It was just a dance, you were gone, I didn't want to be by myself-"
"SO YOU TOOK LILY EVANS? HOW DARE YOU!" SLAP! "WE ARE OVER!"

Paul stared in shock at Olivia's retreating figure, one hand covering his sore cheek. Great. Just great. Now he had no girlfriend. Lily, though. She was very pretty. Plus, she liked him, so getting her to be his girlfriend would be simple. If he could do it before Saturday, she'd go easy on him at the Quidditch match and Ravenclaw would win. Paul grinned. Perfect.

*

"Oh, Lily!"

Lily looked up at Shannon, who was grinning madly.

"What? Did the house elves put too much sugar or something in the pumpkin juice?" Lily asked, looking at her glass suspiciously.

Shannon glared at her. "No. And besides, the pumpkin juice comes in bottles, the house elves don't make it. What I was going to say is Paul is coming over here!"

Lily grinned. "I wonder why."

Shannon and Marie also grinned and continued with their breakfast.

"Hey, Lily, can I talk to you for a minute?" Paul asked, sitting down next to her.

"Sure, Paul!" Lily said brightly. They stood and exited the Great Hall.

"Oh, I wish we could hear that!" Shannon said.

"My dear Shannon, we can!" Marie said. She picked up Lily's and her things and she too, exited the Great Hall and hit behind a nearby suit of armor, ignoring Jack's question of where they were going. She beckoned Shannon over to join her and they listened to Paul and Lily's conversation.
"So, Lily, listen, I like you a lot," Paul began. Lily smiled charmingly. "And I was just wondering...Would you like to be my girlfriend?"

Lily grinned. "Well, you see Paul, the fact is I hate you. I hate you for going to the dance with me when you had a girlfriend. Oh, and what's the matter with her? Did she find out about you cheating on her with dozens of girls and break up with you? Good for her, it's about time somebody put you in your place. Despite what you think, you are most certainly NOT the king of Hogwarts. So, that being said, my answer is an obvious NO!" Lily smirked at him, turned on her heel and walked back into the Great Hall.

Paul stared after her, dumbstruck. "WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE ME??" he yelled to nobody in particular.

Lily stuck her head out the door. "Because you're a pompous git."

*

James Potter felt perfectly fine. He couldn't understand why Remus, Sirius, Jack and Peter were all laughing at him.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

This just sent them into more laughter.

"WHAT?"

"It seems...Lily....finally got you back," Jack said, laughing. "And, oh is it good!"

James stared at him in horror and ran into the bathroom. His hair was purple. A very very bright purple, not to mention the fact that it flashed pink every five seconds.

"I'm going to get her back for this!" James said, walking back into the dorm.

"That's not all, James!" Remus said. "She stole all of yours and Sirius' clothes except the boxers you're wearing and mismatched socks."
"So let me borrow some of your clothes."

Remus grinned. "She took all of ours too, except for something we can wear today. She promised to give us clean robes each day to make sure you couldn't get any."
James wanted to make something explode. Like a certain sixth year girl with red hair and green eyes.

"You have to admit, Jamsie, it is pretty funny," Sirius said.

"Why are you laughing, you have to walk around Hogwarts in your boxers too!"

Sirius shrugged. "All the better for the ladies!"
Jack laughed at them. "Oh, yeah, guys, smile!" He then took a picture of the two boys with purple hair in their boxers. "Sorry, I gave in to the little red head. Being blackmailed didn't sound very appealing," he said and ran into the girls dorm.

James and Sirius walked proudly through the halls of Hogwarts in their boxers (which, thankfully, didn't have holes in them), grinning at everyone and signing the picture of them that had been blown up and the copies had been given to every Hogwarts student.

Lily laughed hysterically at the site. "Hey, Potter, love the hair!" she said as she walked past him.

James glared at her. Lily smiled charmingly and added another spell to his appearance. Not only was his hair purple, flashing pink, it was growing two inches every three minutes.

Potter was going to have one heck of a day.