The Love is Gone

Part One: Percy Weasley and his Pet Rock

Percy Weasley's life, as of late, had not been that great. After graduating from Hogwarts with nary a friend except his old girlfriend, Penelope Clearwater, Percy had taken a boring, uniform desk job at the Ministry of Magic in the Department of International Magical Cooperation. As a result of his amazing brown-nosing skills, he had been promoted and promoted until... his boss went insane and got lost and he was blamed for it.

He wasn't too happy about this, as he had nothing to do with the disappearance (or did he?) and, to make matters worse, Penelope dumped him. So there he was, in the middle of this vast sea of depression, when he found something that shone to him like a beacon. It was like a lighthouse light thingermabob that prevented him from throwing himself upon the rocks of death. This thing was his Pet Rock.

Percy absolutely doted upon this rock. It was his solace when he had a big row with his family. It joined in the celebration when he was promoted to be Cornelius Fudge's Junior Assistant. In fact, Percy could have sworn that the rock became jealous when he talked about his boss, which was all the time. What Percy didn't realize was that the rock had been overexposed to damp conditions, and the greenish tinge it had was due mainly to the moss that was starting to grow on it.

Percy and the rock went on many dates together: they went to the fair, where Percy insisted that the rock go on one of those giant-revolving-swings-type rides with him. The rock put up no argument, as it was a rock.

Percy took it out to dinner to the fanciest restaurant he could afford: McDonalds. He found out about it one day as he walked to work from his tiny London flat which he shared with his rock. He saw an ad for it on a bench. They had a lovely time there, despite all the weird looks they got from misunderstanding people who thought that Percy was simply off his rocker.

Percy cooked for the rock, let it sleep in the same bed as him, even took it with him to work in his briefcase. And, because all of the people in the Ministry were either too power-hungry, egotistic, and self-involved to notice or they were too angry with him to speak to him, no one said a thing about it.

Slowly but surely, Percy was weaned from human contact outside his workplace. As he found himself almost completely shut off from the outside world, he felt a lacking inside himself, a need for something. It took him a while until he realized that this was the need to have a decent conversation with someone who completely and wholeheartedly agreed with him.

So he turned to the rock.

"So, Rock, what do you think about the Minister? I personally think that he is the most brilliant man on the planet and we should have a holiday in his honour."

No Answer.

"Um... Rock, what do you think about Harry Potter? He's such an attention-seeking little prat, he lies all the time, and he's so rotten to our beloved Dolores."

"Grate grate grate grate..... SMASH"

The rock had scooted itself off the table and onto the floor, leaving behind giant scratch marks. Percy picked it up as if nothing had happened and continued to babble.

"Dumbledore is such a fool. You-Know-Who's back, my arse. Who does he think he is, threatening my precious little Fudgie..."

He stopped right there. Something had just hit him over the head. Not literally, of course. He had just realized possibly the most important thing of his life: he was a git. And the only way of stopping one's git-like behaviour was to, well, you know, sleep with one, so you can see all the physical characteristics, and stop them in yourself. Of course, this was stupid logic, even for Percy, but being the git that he was, he decided that it was the most brilliant plan ever devised by a member of the human race.

At that moment, Percy also realized that the rock was just that: a rock. And being as most humans cannot percept the rocks' subtle emotions, cannot understand that a thing as simple as a rock could be cognizant of the world around it, Percy gave up on it right then and there. It's a rock, man, get over it. It'll never put out, no matter how hard you snog it, and I speak from experience. It was the most sensible thought Percy had had in his lifetime.

Meanwhile, Percy's Pet Rock looked up at him disbelievingly from the floor, whence it had landed after Percy had dropped it about three seconds after picking it up after its first fall. God, what a moron, thought the rock. But no-one would ever know this because the rock, being a rock, could not communicate with anything, not even other rocks.

Percy turned to the rock and said, with (fake) tears in his eyes,

"You know, Rock, we've had some really swell times together, we really have, but... I think... I think... I think we should see other people!" He gave a gigantic fake wail and pretended to break down into very noisy tears.

God, what a moron, thought the rock again. See other people, though? It's not like we were romantically involved or anything... The rock stopped there, remembering the numerous occasions where Percy had tried to snog the minerals out of it. What a nutcase. He should be committed.

Percy skipped off to the Ministry, bought the Minister dinner, laced his firewhisky with Lust Potion, and slept with him. Nothing happened from this, of course, except that the potion wearing off and the Minister discovering that his love for Percy was not, in fact, unrequited. Percy found a better companion in the Minister than he did in the rock, which wouldn't have been hard because a rock is mute. They loved each other very much but had to stay in the closet because, well, the Minister would have a hard time of keeping his job if he was found to be having an affair with his Junior Assistant.

The two gits lived happily ever after until Cornelius Fudge was deposed from his position of Minister, and they both spent the rest of their lives drowning their sorrows in various pubs around the world.

Meanwhile, the rock moved to a small island off of Ireland, where it found itself quite content being kept company by sheep who, thought the rock, at least have an ounce of common sense in them.