The Diary of Severus Snape

The Diary of Severus Snape

Chapter 3

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October 3^rd:

Dear Diary:

Since I realized that I am hopelessly girly a few days ago, I have been feeling as if I am repressing a part of me. It makes me want to scream NOOOOOOOOOO at the top of my lungs, which I did last Wednesday in my private quarters after placing a very complicated and very unbreakable silencing spell over the space.

But now, today, at 9:37 PM GMT, I have devised a way to let my true girliness show through. It will take a lot of work, and much thought, but a surprisingly little amount of acting. No one will be able to see through my act!!!

Yeah right.

Stupid diary.

Before I digress, I must share my scheme: I shall pretend to be under the effects of a particularly strong Femmenate potion, slipped into my morning pumpkin juice by Messrs. Fred and George Weasley.

Now for the digression:

Mwahahahaha!!!!! Now I must impart my newest knitting adventure: a set of matching fuzzy pink heart pillows and afghan for the sofa in my private quarters.

I got the pattern from the knitting shop in Hogsmeade. I posed as Trelawney (URGH!!!!) using Polyjuice, and bought the necessary materials. It took me a while to complete, and is full of holes where I failed in the pattern, but, overall, it looks ok.

I am currently working on a matching hat and sweater set for Mrs. Fluffles. Even though she is a cat, she always can have extra warmth in these dark, dank dungeons. I think her favourite colour is lavender, so that's the colour I'm making it.

Ok, enough for the knitting.

Now, for my observations of students:

Potter is still almost marginally good at Potions

Malfoy is a git and reminds me of Potter, Sr. when he was in school.

Crabbe and Goyle are insufferable morons, seem to be infatuated with Malfoy, and there is no way I'll accept him into my Advanced Potions class.

Ms. Granger is too smart for her own good.

Ms. Granger is too beautiful for her own good.

Gargh!!!!!!! She is so not pretty. Where the hell did that come from?

Stupid. Your head. Do I need to keep reminding you? You admitted to the knitting. Just admit to this and I'll shut up.

Stupid Albus. The only reason(well, maybe one of a few reasons) he gave me this blasted diary is because he thinks I keep too many things in. Bottling my emotions, he calls it. Well, it works for potions, why not emotions? Hey, they rhyme! I'm a poet and I didn't know it!

Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.

Never mind, then.

Well, it's getting late, diary, and I must go round up all my materials needed to successfully convince students that I am under a femmenate potion.

Oh, wait: I'll make a list for you:

*1 pair of sparkly pink heels.

*1 pair of trendy Muggle "jeans"

*A shirt that says "Hottie" on the front in pink glitter

*A bottle of shampoo with which to wash my hair (the students are right, it is horribly greasy. I didn't realize that because the last time I looked in a mirror, about 13 years ago, it shattered on me and cut my face. But I digress.)

*A rhinestone leash for Mrs. Fluffles. I'll take her to class tomorrow.

*A flowery tie for my hair.

Now I'll go. Bye then.

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October 5^th:

Well, after days and days of careful preparation (well, there was only one day of preparation), I pulled of my fantastic feat and managed to act girly with everyone buying my story!!! Yay!!!

I must now carefully and precisely relate exactly what went on today in Potter's class, which was the first class of the day.

I did not go for breakfast. It would spoil the incredible drama of my performance, plus I needed a ton of time to prepare. I made sure that my act was meticulous, everything conforming to the symptoms of Femmenate. My nails were painted pink, my hair highlighted, washed, and French braided, my face caked with a thick layer of makeup, and my voice was raised a few notches in pitch, thanks to a helium potion. I dressed immaculately in my trendy Muggle women's outfit, and pulled on my one and only pink sparkly robe. I was surprisingly at ease with my new appearance. I then proceeded to class.

I was ten minutes late for class. When I finally appeared, several students gasped at my appearance. I then said, in my chipperest and most giggly, sunshine-and-daisies filled voice, "Good morning class! Lovely day we're having today!"

Draco Malfoy fainted. I ignored it.

I continued with my speech in a voice that was trying to impart my usual coldness and sarcasm, but was upbeat and girly instead.

"Someone thought that it would be funny to see me act like a woman. I have reason to suspect that someone laced my pumpkin juice this morning at breakfast with a Femmenate potion. We will be brewing the antidote to try and get me back to my normal state. By the way, this is my cat, Mrs. Fluffles."

The class, expecting that I would be relaxed today, burst out laughing. I gave them all detention, and took 100 points from Gryffindor. Mrs. Fluffles seemed to be embarrassed and offended.

I set the class to work on their potions, while I sat at my desk and knitted, giving students compliments on their hair. Ms. Granger seemed quite disgruntled when I suggested she use Hair Taming Potion. She kept looking at me with the oddest expression on her face, as if she could see through my act. Ha! As if!!!

I dismissed them when class was up, and assigned them an essay on the effects of Femmenate. Miss Granger's face lit up, as if she was going to have particular fun with this one. Oh, I bet she will.

I assigned the rest of the day's classes to do the same thing, as they were all fourth year and above, therefore sufficiently capable. I kept Fred and George Weasley after class, gave them both a week of detention, and told them I knew it was them. They just laughed. I don't think detention affects them.

Mwahahahaha!!!!!!!! I am a genius!!!!!

Until next time, Diary. I must go plan detentions now.