Dramatis Personae

After what seemed endless searching around - it was only an hour in fact - Crabbe and Goyle had resigned to waiting. They were hiding behind two pillars, standing right and left of a pathway leading to Slytherin Tower. Goyle chewed on something chocolatey, Crabbe just bored himself to death.

"Why aren't we searching for them again, like Lucius told us?" Crabbe whispered.

"I told you! If we do it like this we don't have to move around, understand? I'm tired and my feet hurt."

"Oh, you sissy! You are always tired. If Lucius finds out about this - we're toast."

"Why? We'll catch them, you'll see. It's only a matter of time till they come this way. I bet they want to peek on our little secrets." He showed a dirty grin.

"Yeah, because we have so many!"

"I'm sure Lucius isn't fond of sarcasm either." Goyle went on chewing.

"Why do you think he ordered 'no bloodshed'?"

"He's going soft, I say."

Crabbe twitched. "Don't say that! He could hear you. He has eyes everywhere."

"..."

"What?" Crabbe said defensively.

"Never mind. What spells do we use then?"

"I know the Unvorgivables ... hell, we can't use them, can we? Wait - the Imperius curse isn't necessarily bloody."

"No - but Azkaban is."

"Alright. But if - let's say we petrify them then, and let's say Potter hits a stone with his face so he bleeds - does that count?"

Goyle thought about it. "Hm - I don't think that counts. We could ... scatter some stones around and - shush. Did you hear that?" He gave Crabbe an elaborate get-ready sign and both boys brought their wands in position. Goyle started to count silently but with much mouth-moving: 'One - two - three.'

They jumped in front of their supposed victim. Crabbe shortly after Goyle, because he'd been missing out on number two and therefore counted three two times and got all confused in the end.

"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

"FURNUNCULUS!"

They heard a thump when something hit the floor. Goyle gave Crabbe a look. "Furnunculus?" The other boy shrugged.

When the smoke cleared, Levin Longbottom lay in front of them. His face showed a mixture of surprise and total horror - and an awful lot of pimples.

"That's luck. It could have been Frank," Crabbe stated. "Would have blasted us away for sure."

Goyle shrugged. "Perhaps we should check who's coming before we attack?"

"Yeah, think we could do that."

***

Ten minutes later, with Longbottom safely hidden behind a third pillar, the boys heard another someone approaching.

"Who is it?" Crabbe hissed.

"I can't see a bloody thing yet."

"You’re not looking the right way."

"Then you do it!"

The footsteps stopped. "Hello?"

Crabbe frantically gestured and Goyle jumped out of his hiding.

"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

Another nasty floor-hitting sound was heard. And again - it wasn't Potter or Black. It was just some girl.

"That's Jenny Devari," Crabbe said through a hearty yawn.

"That Hufflepuff girl Severus sees once in a while, to make kinky potions-stuff with?"

"No, I think they only do potions together."

"..."

"What!"

"Nothing. Let's get rid of her and try again!"

Crabbe looked thoughtful. "Do you think she would do potions with me too?"

"NO."

"But I look better than Severus."

Goyle's face lit up. "But you are crabbe at potions!"

***

They tucked Devari in with Longbottom and got ready once more. Goyle had run out of chocolate, which left him edgy, and Crabbe was still bored.

"Goyle, I have an idea."

"Now that would be something."

"Instead of petrifying the next one, we could turn him or her into a kitty so we can play with it. Wouldn't be so boring anymore."

Goyle jumped up. "The next one has to be Potter! Or Black! And we don't play with - kittens. Slytherins don't do things like that."

"Get a grip, man! I was only joking. You are edgy when your blood-sugar is down."

"It's not my fault that I'm getting hungry all the time."

"Hey - I hear another one. This time look properly!"

Goyle ducked and looked properly. It was Potter! He made the it's-him-sign to Crabbe. 'One - two - '

"THREE!" They jumped.

"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

"FURNUNCULUS!"

Crabbe blinked. "Where is he?"

"How should I know?"

"You said he was there!"

"He was, moron. He just - isn't anymore."

"Perhaps you should wear his glasses, bloody idiot!"

"Don't call me - idiot. Or I'll ..."

"Or you'll what. Curse me? Come on, go ahead - make my day!"

Both boys glared at each other and then shouted "STUPEFY!" at exactly the same time, which led to the interesting result that they - just stunned each other.

***

Severus stood there in utter disbelieve. First they'd jumped up behind him, apparently because of waiting too long, and then ... At least Crabbe and Goyle had got rid of themselves! Of course he could revive them, but it would be funnier to let Lucius do it - a lot funnier.

He smirked tiredly and made a quick statistical overview: Potter and Black, and Crabbe and Goyle - two players from each house were down. So only he and Lucius were still on it. Evans and Lupin shouldn't be counting. So Slytherin would win two to - zero. Not counting the actual loss of house-points of course - 200 from Slytherin and 150 from Gryffindor. He ground his teeth. And they'd taken his potion and - broken his bird! And they'd blackmailed him, forced him to help them - ordered him around like a child. He clenched his fists and looked down at Crabbe and Goyle. And these two dunderheads had tried to curse him! He should make them regret it right away. And Lucius ... He sank his head and waited for his pulse to slow down. Then he made a decision. Lucius could go and marry Lupin for all he cared, he would spent the rest of the night in the Potions Lab, doing some extra credit work for the test next week. That at least was something reliable. He'd clearly had enough bad surprises for one night - actually for the rest of the year.

"What the ... " He nearly stumbled over Devari and Longbottom. Crabbe and Goyle had worked overtime. He poked Longbottom with his wand and played with the thought of reviving them. But then again, that would mean talking and he'd just made up his mind, hadn't he? Besides, he was one of the bad guys after all. Time to act accordingly.

Lupin was following him. So he must have figured out by now that he was being played for a fool. Damn! If Severus hadn't overdone the save-the-situation part ... Suddenly Lucius smiled. If Lupin knew, there was no need for Lucius to hold back. He was in the mood for some real bloodshed, not just a broken nose.

Once Lucius was around the next corner, he put on the cloak and waited for the Marauder. What a darn stupid name was that anyway? 'The Havoc Bringers' or 'Sons of Destruction' - that was a proper designation for a gang. He could name his own troops like that, Lucius mused. He smirked at the thought that Severus would be pissed off for weeks. His friend didn't seem to have any creative imagination when it came to warfare.

After a few moments Lupin rushed past him and stopped short when he realised that there wasn't anyone to follow any more. Lucius moved over to him until he was only an arm-length away. He could see Lupin's expression changing from worry to anger.

"I know you're there. Don't play games with me." Lupin seemed short of losing his temper.

Lucius moved carefully around his prey and then took off the cloak right in front of Lupin's face. "Boo!"

"Ahhrrr ... " Remus jumped. "You want to give me a heart-attack? Jesus, what's wrong with you?" He tried to stop his heart from racing.

"What's the matter? Did I frighten you? I'm so sorry."

Remus glared at the other boy. Sirius was getting stranger by the minute and he started to get cranky about it. "I have to talk to you. About your demonstration of bad acting earlier," he scowled.

"So, you found out. Took you long enough."

Remus held his breath. He felt like someone had just pushed him over a rooftop - and that didn't help with slowing down his heartbeat. He could feel his cheeks burn and his head was swirling.

"I knew there was something wrong apart from what James told me," Remus said carefully. "First you shout at me for no reason, then you get sick for no reason and then ... "

Lucius smiled jovially. "Ah, it was the kiss, right? I felt like the mood demanded it."

Remus held Sirius' brown eyes and decided to make a break for it. "Do you have a crush on me?"

"Wha ... What? WHAT?" Lucius blanked out. He tried to activate some self-defence mechanism - like throwing a punch or drawing his wand - but his brain was stuck in repeat-mode and so failed to register that his body was slowly changing back to its actual self.

"I didn't want to bring this up like - " Remus hesitated. "SIRIUS - " he yelled and then shut his mouth as Sirius Black slowly but unmistakably turned into Lucius Malfoy.

Lucius had almost decided to curse Lupin into oblivion when his brain finally blew the loop and caught up with real-time. Lupin had called him SIRIUS. So this bloody idiot was still thinking he was Black! Lupin was talking to Black. He thought Black kissed him because Black had a crush on him! He had to say something. "A crush? Yes ... err ... what about you?" Lucius didn't really know why he was still playing along with the act but, God, this was getting so confusing.

Remus was surprised how fast and clear he could think - now that at least some of this weird happenings made sense. Malfoy looked more than bewildered and he clearly hadn't noticed that he'd changed back. Although Remus felt embarassed and like a complete idiot, he also felt a sudden rush of excitement. Malfoy had toyed with him. And, come to think of it, he'd done it so badly! How on earth could he have ever believed ... Malfoy was in for some nasty payback-acting.

Lucius had just decided - again - to end this muddling with a good curse, when Lupin slapped him. Though it wasn't really a powerful blow it was enough to shoot tears into his eyes. No-one at this school had ever slapped him before.

Remus felt the pain in his hand and the rush of adrenaline. It felt great. "How dare you! How can you even think that I would be interested in something as disgusting as ... this is too gross even for you! This is ... perverse!"

Lucius tried to stagger back to his mental feet. None of this was his fault. He'd always known that Black was a contradictional weirdo. Black was the one being a pervert, not him! It's just Black, it's just Black, IT'S JUST BLACK! Finally, he drew his wand -

"ELECTRATE!" - Remus was faster. The curse was sending sparks of blue lightning all over Malfoy's body. It wasn't a stunning spell, but it left Malfoy jittering and unable to move - and with some amazing new hairstyle.

Remus couldn't help laughing out loud. He wasn't excited about cursing someone, but this was so worth it.

He tried to keep a straight face and walked over to Malfoy, removed his wand from his hand, and threw it away on the floor. Then he took the cloak out of Malfoy's other hand. "I think this belongs to the real Sirius Black - by association, anyway. You weren't thinking you could fool the Marauders, were you, Malfoy?" Remus smirked. "The only one being queer here is you. Sad - but true." Malfoy glared death at Remus and obviously wanted to say something, but his chattering teeth were in the way. Remus tilted his head. "I know, you probably want to kiss me again - but I just don't like you. Sorry."

Remus managed to hold his laughter until he was out of sight. His anger was gone and suddenly he felt very relieved that it hadn't been Sirius. He laughed even louder. And some of the bad feelings and thoughts he'd recently had seemed to be - not so bad anymore.