A Hogwarts Paranoia

Two weeks before Christmas:

"JAMES! James, James ... guess what!" Sirius Black shouted all the way through the Great Hall. He ran over to the Gryffindor table and skidded to a halt, almost knocking over James' chair.

"James ..." Sirius panted, collapsing heavily beside him.

James Potter gave him a most bemused look before he closed his Transfiguration book. "Whee, Black. That's my name alright. You got free tickets for the Quidditch World Cup or -"

"Better. Way better!" Sirius grinned from ear to ear. "I'm staying at Hogwarts over Christmas."

James made a questioning face. "And that's better? How come? Well, I know you're not keen on seeing your family but none of us stays. I don't see -"

"I'm not alone."

James raised his eyebrows over the rim of his glasses. "You've got a girl-"

"Snape stays too."

"Eww. Come again?"

"Come on - think! It's the perfect opportunity for another of my", he paused for drama and lowered his voice, "special pranks."

"You do remember the last one, do you? The one where you ended up kissing Snape?"

Sirius' smile dropped. "We. Do. Not. Speak. Of. This."

"Oh - but we found it very amusing." James grinned broadly.

"Did we?"

"Besides, doesn't Snape usually stay with the Malfoys over Christmas?"

"Not this time." Sirius was back on the subject. "They were invited by one of those old wizarding families. And of course they won't bring a freak like Snape along."

"Which old wizarding family do we speak of?"

Sirius shrugged. "Mine."

"Oh."

"Anyway -"

"I don't know, Sirius. It's Christmas after all. Why don't you stay with me over the holidays?"

Sirius made a dismissive gesture and James tried again. "You'll get presents!"

"Good cue - would you lend me the cloak? Please? And -"

"Did you hear what I said?"

"Of course he didn't," Remus Lupin's voice cut in. "He's got that look that says: I'm way beyond help, please find my brain scattered over the North Pole," he made a show of scanning Sirius expertly, "on Mars. What's up?" He took a chair on the other side of James. He didn't seem too curious, though. But before Sirius could feel properly offended by his friend's lack of interest, he jumped up.

"Hey there he is! Look - he's in a hurry."

James pulled him back down. "So? He's going somewhere - like everybody else. You have to come off it!"

"He's planning something. I can smell it."

"Hey, I'm the wolf here," Lupin said laughing. "Don't you steal my best lines."

"Oh, don't you encourage him. Cut it out, Sirius! I mean it. You are getting seriously paranoid, man."

"But -"

James cut him with a look. Sirius stared sulkily back and then managed to free himself from James' grip.

"I have to go. Bye," he huffed, hurrying out of the hall with flying robes.

"Let me guess ...," Remus started.

"Exactly!"

"Not good."

"Not at all."

***

Fifteen minutes later:

"SEVERUS!"

"Don't yelp into my ear, Goyle! I can hear perfectly with you standing right next to me."

Severus Snape took a step forward to put some distance between Goyle and himself. He stuffed away 'Arithmancy - Logic or Magic?', while Goyle was catching his breath - most likely from running all the way down to the library.

"Sorry," Goyle whispered, almost unhearable, and Severus rolled his eyes.

"What is it, Goyle? I mean besides your obvious lack of subtlety and wit."

The other boy frowned sulkily. "Lucius told you not to speak to me like that."

"Did he?" Severus glared and Goyle dropped his gaze immediately. "Then I think I have to change my tone, right?"

Goyle looked up again, seemingly pleased with this apology, and Severus resisted the urge to sneer. "Don't know what sarcasm is, do you?" he hissed under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing. So?"

"Oh, right! Lucius sent me to tell you that Black stays at Hogwarts."

"Well?"

"Er."

"That's no big news, Goyle. I didn't think he'd ever get expelled. Not with that dunderhead Dumbledore in charge."

"Oh. I mean, he stays over the holidays ... over Christmas. At Hogwarts. In Hogwarts. Where you are."

Severus froze, unable to reply. The only time he would have had for himself, and Black had to ruin it. This was just not fair! Blast him! BLAST -

"You all right?"

"Sure I am. Black stays over Christmas - so what?"

"But none of us will be here. Won't you need -"

"No, I won't. I can handle Black well on my own." But he thought that this was probably not as easily done as said. Black had been extremely bad-tempered after their last encounter in Divination class. So he would probably try to raise heaven and hell to beat Severus this time. Or to beat him up, more like. But now that he knew about it, he would get prepared ...

"You can go now. I have lots of work to do until the holidays start. Tell Lucius I see him later."

Goyle left and Severus searched for another book. After ten minutes he'd found it, and with a twisted smile he pulled it out of its shelf. Black would so get a taste of his own medicine.

***

Two weeks and two days later:

"Anything of the trolley, dears?"

"NO!" James and Lucius shouted unisono. They had been glaring at each other for some time now - and if it hadn't been for the trunks and owl cages ...

"Very well. If none of you wants anything - go and step aside then. You are blocking the corridor. Go and get yourselves seats, boys! It's not as if the train's crowded. Not as if I'm going to make any profit anyway." The usually friendly trolley-witch didn't sound very friendly. She tapped her foot unpatiently, and when the two boys didn't make any attempt to move anywhere in the near future, she determinedly shoved them into the nearest compartment, shutting the door behind them.

"Didn't you like your family-trip, Malfoy? You're early," James snapped. "Holidays are ending in three days. What are you doing on this train?"

Lucius sniffed. "As if you wouldn't know, Potter. It's not only sheepy Gryffindor idiots that take care of their own."

James frowned. So Malfoy had decided to look after Snape. Well, James had had the same idea, but the Marauders were family. And James hadn't got a single letter from Sirius.

"And to answer your first question, Potter. I had the best holidays of my life," Lucius said haughtily. "I truly can't understand how such a formidable family as the Blacks could spawn someone as ordinary as ...," he searched for the right word, but couldn't bring himself to say Sirius. " ... Black," he finished lamely.

"He's the black sheep of the family," James retorted, sadly aware that this wasn't the best of witty comments either.

Lucius ignored it. He was still thinking about this very attractive girl he'd met, who turned out to be a fifth-year Slytherin and captain of the Quidditch team. He had of course seen her around, but he'd never - well - consciously noticed girls. As such. And he never paid much attention to Quidditch - well, he would from now on. "And they have such a sensible approach to the Dark Arts -"

"Excuse me! I'm not interested in family gossip from the Malfoys or the Blacks."

Lucius gave him an appraising look. "I take it you noticed that McGonagall is on the train, too. That means - no hexing. Let's make this agreement, then. I'm moving to the front and you stay at the back. That way we don't have to see each other until we arrive at Hogsmeade."

"You're afraid of losing points?" James smirked.

"I'm just afraid I might damage you, Potter. And then you wouldn't be able to patch up your dim-witted friend. I'm sure Severus did a good job on him."

"We'll see. But why would you be interested in him being patched up? I wouldn't bother for Snape."

"Perhaps you might be interested in some new family gossip from the Malfoys and the Blacks after all. Because ... your friend might be family soon."

James opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out, and after a moment of unhidden satisfaction Lucius left with a victorious grin on his face.

***

James was on his way to the common room, when he saw Finn Avery coming straight at him with ... enormous speed.

"Hey, Finn!" he called out to the other fourth-year Gryffindor. He grabbed Finn's arm just to stop him and was nearly swept of his feet.

"Whoa ... Finn. What's up? Did you see Sirius?"

He got a horrified look but no answer. James thought that he'd probably squeezed the boy's arm too tight. "Sorry, Finn. I didn't -" But to James' amazement, Avery - just ran away.

"What was all that about?" he muttered to himself, speeding up his pace. He suddenly had a very bad feeling.

"PIGLET!" he called in front of the Gryffindor portrait. But suddenly, a dark figure jumped out of the nearest broom closet, bearing him face first to the ground and then dragging him without a word into the cupboard.

First he was too shocked to react, but when he found his voice again, the small room began to shake. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN AND I'LL CURSE YOU FROM HERE TO -"

"Shhhhhh ... it's me," the figure whispered sharply.

James gaped. He knew that voice as well as his own.

"Sirius? What are you doing? Damn! You hurt my ... never mind. And my hair!"

"Shhhhhh ... he will hear you."

"Whmpf-" Sirius clamped his hands over his friend's mouth but James decided that he had quite enough of this lunacy. He pushed Sirius back and pulled out his wand. "LUMOS!"

But the light didn't make it any better. On the contrary. James looked into the face of an utterly bewildered Sirius Black. His blue eyes were as big as saucers, his hair was greasy - of all things - and he most definitely had lost weight.

"What happened here?" James grabbed Sirius by the shoulders. "What did Snape do to you?"

"Do? Nothing. Yet. I didn't give him a chance to. I was on guard."

James shook his head sheepishly. "Nothing? What's that supposed to mean? You look like shit!"

"I layed boobytraps," Sirius replied without any sign of listening, and James suddenly got a very lively and frightening image of what Avery had been running from.

"Boobytraps?"

"In the common room. That's why I stopped you from entering. But don't worry. I've made a map of all my hidden devices."

"Hidden devices."

"Oh, come on! You know what I mean."

"Frankly: no. Jesus -" But Sirius already dragged him unceremoniously out of the cupboard. "What is it now?"

"Let's go down to the hall. We have to be among other people. So he can't single us out."

"Perhaps we should go down to St Mungo's," James suggested. "We have to be among competent people who can deal with this." Ah, well. Not that Sirius was by any chance listening to him.

***

"My God." Lucius didn't remember the last time he'd used those words, probably he never had, but nothing else could describe this! The Slytherin common room was - empty. No furniture, no books, no nothing.

"Who stole all our stuff?"

Lucius made a few uncertain steps in. Then he decided that uncertainty wasn't a Malfoy trait and began to cross the room determinedly ... until he was painfully stopped by an invisible object.

"Ouch!" A stinging pain rose in his leg. He held it and hopped to the right ... where he fell over another thing, crashing to the floor. "God damn!"

He reached out for the object, pulling himself up. And just when he realised that probably no-one had stolen anything, someone threw himself onto him, pinning him to the ground and then forcing something liquid down his throat.

Lucius swallowed and choked immediately. He was suffocating!

"He..l..p," he croaked, gasping for air. The assassin stepped back - most likely to watch him die - and suddenly he could breathe again. Lucius was on his feet in a second, drawing his wand.

"PETRIFICUS TOTA -" He stopped. There was no-one there. He jerked his head. At least no one visible. And as if to prove his theory, he heard a drawling and most familiar voice behind his back.

"Only one more minute."

"Severus? Wha -" but he couldn't go on. Something in Severus' voice made his hairs stand up on end. What the hell had he given him? Lucius stood motionless with clenched fists for a minute, and when nothing horrible happened he spun around, swinging his wand frantically.

"You just crossed the line, friend. Explain this - or I swear I'll curse you personally this time."

"REVIDERE!" Severus called, appearing right in front of Lucius, making him jump once more.

"You're clear," he explained briskly. "You are not Black."

"Of course I'm not! Hello! Blond hair, good-looking." And then he paused, taking a thorough look at his friend. He dropped his wand. "What did you do?"

"Don't worry. The potion I gave you was harmless. It's something I invented."

Lucius sneered. Nothing Severus invented was harmless.

"It's a kind of Anti-Polyjuice. It changes people back into themselves. This way I can detect Black in disguise."

"That's quite fascinating, but - I wasn't asking about the potion. What happened to you?" Lucius knew that Severus sometimes got carried away when he was in the potions lab, forgetting to eat or to sleep - but now he looked thinner and paler than ever. Even his hair seemed to have lost color. And his eyes ...

"When did you sleep the last time?" Lucius asked curtly.

Severus blinked several times but didn't answer.

"Not that I care if you starve yourself, but did Black -"

No reaction.

"And what is all this?" Lucius waved his hands indicating the empty room.

"Oh this. Traps," Severus said proudly. "Just minor ones. Only cloaked furniture. The tricky ones are by the fireplace and in front of the dormitories. You can try one if you like!"

And before Lucius could do anything to stop him, Severus had started navigating him complicatedly across the room. When they arrived at the stairs to the dormitories, a funny-looking plant popped out of nowhere. Lucius saw Severus covering his ears but it was of no use anyway. It was really loud.

"OH, INFAMOUS INTRUDER! ANSWER TWO OUT OF FOUR QUESTIONS OR DIE!"

"Die? Isn't that a bit melodramatic? And two out of four can't be that hard."

"ARE YOU READY?"

"Of course I -"

"WHAT IS THE SQARE ROUTE OF 327?"

"What?"

"WRONG," the plant-thing announced. And before Lucius could protest, it transformed into something with two fierce-looking heads and mad, rolling eyes. He turned to Severus who was smiling dreamily.

"On what potion are you?" Lucius hissed.

"Shhhh - here comes the next question."

"I don't give a damn about the -"

"WRONG!"

"HEY! You didn't ask anything yet! It can't be wrong you twin-headed monstrosity... er ... you ... giant snake ... creature?" Lucius' eyes went wide and his mouth dry as it transformed again. The snake, which had been replacing the - whatever it had been - was so big, its head almost reached the ceiling.

"Isn't she beautiful?" Severus said in that detached voice of someone whose brain was most likely to be found somewhere on Mars.

Lucius stood rooted to the spot and bit his lips. He should get the next questions straight, because he didn't count on Severus to stop whatever would happen if he failed.

"Sheshhhnnnishshhhshh fffssshhhhahshhnnnsssssffff?"

Lucius stared. And stared. Then he opened his mouth and turned to Severus once more. "Is that ... is that ... that's Parseltongue?" He couldn't believe it. "How did you ... how on earth is someone supposed to understand -"

"SHHHSSIASSSHHH!"

Lucius froze. "I think I can understand that. Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!!"

There was a yellow flash of light, a deafening sound from the creature and Lucius quickly curled up on the floor, covering as much of his body as possible. But nothing hit him and after a few seconds he dared to look up. He was immediately pulled to his feet, wondering where Severus took the strength from.

Severus beamed. "You want to see the other ones?"

***

James couldn't take his eyes from his friend. He watched him tight-lipped and with strange fascination while they made their way down to the Great Hall. It was like in some crazy monster nightmare: you want to look away, but your eyes keep staring and your mind takes in every bloody detail. And stores it for future reference.

Sirius' eyes darted around on their search for anything Snape. Every now and then he ducked behind a pillar or used his friend's back as a shield, ramming his knees in James' legs from behind. He even grabbed two passing students and sniffed at them.

Suddenly there was a loud 'thud', and Sirius dived flat to the ground. James scanned the place, only to see Peeves having fun with the Christmas Tree. And then it hit him. Sirius must have been poisoned. There was no other explanation for this madness.

"SIRIUS!"

"Arrggh - where?" Sirius jumped up, spinning around several times.

"Nowhere, I've just had an idea. Have you -"

"There he is," he cried and hid behind James' back again.

"Where?"

"Over there, the black robe. Eleven o'clock." Sirius poked a finger in James' shoulder to indicate the coordinates.

"Hey! Stop that." He turned around. "We all wear black robes."

"But the hair!"

"There are too many black-haired boys in Hogwarts to tell them all apart. I mean, you've got black hair. I've got ... oh well. He's not here. Look, did you drink or eat anything that tasted funny?

"Drink?" Sirius straightened up and thrust out his chest. "Of course I didn't. I have my own water supply in Moarning Myrtle's toilet and I live of Hagrid's biscuits. You don't think I'm eating anything here?"

James' jaw dropped. Hagrid's biscuits. That explained a lot. And water out of ... "Let's go and see Madam Pomfrey. Now."

"NO!"

"But you are ... ill. This is getting out of hand. You're under some kind of spell or -"

"I'm not going to the hospital wing."

"Then let's go to our dormitories. I have ... food there," James lied. Perhaps he coud leave him there and get some help.

"Hmm."

"And you can show me your traps."

"You'll like them. And I'm hungry."

"See! Let's go."

But before they could go anywhere, a girl approached them. "Sirius Black!"

"Hey Margy. How ... ouch, what did you slap me for?"

James looked at the girl and thought that this wasn't so hard to figure out.

"Finn said you are responsible for that. Are you?" She pointed at her hair which was covered in some sort of black blob that started to slither down her face and her back. It smelled like a dead rat.

"That's one of my traps," he said with a conspiratory twinkle to James.

Margy Connors stomped on his foot.

"Arggg ... stop that!"

"What did you do to my hair?" Her voice had a disturbing frequency by now.

"Nothing ... too permanent."

"Permanent?"

"It was meant for Snape, not for -"

"It attacked me in the girl's bathroom. Do you expect Snape to - oh, sod off." She kicked him in the shins.

"Hrggg ... would you mind not -"

"No! It insulted me all the way down -"

"WASH YOUR HAIR YOU UGLY GIT! THAT'S DISGUSTING! THE GREASE IS COMING OUT OF YOUR EARS ALREADY!" The foam, blurb, blob or whatever yelled.

"See!" Margy pointed once more at her head and started crying. "I tried to washit up butitstickstomyhair andI'mnotuglyI'mbeautifulandmyboyfriendjustleftmeforaHufflepuffI'mgoingtoseeProfessorMcGonagallnow!"

She ran down the corridor and the thing started shouting at her again. James turned to Sirius and decided that he was not going to see the other traps. "We are going to Madam Pomfrey immediately. Will you come quietly or shall I make you?"

***

Lucius hurled himself through the door to their dormitory, banging it shut behind him. A split second later something crashed through the wood.

"Nobody - EVER - can answer that question!" he yelled and yanked the door open again. "Admit it. You don't know the answer yourself."

"It was Izabel the White, fifth goblin rebellion on Halloween, 1423, ten p.m. - with a spoon."

"Eww."

Severus entered the room, slightly swaying, and Lucius made a disgusted face. "Look at you. I can't believe you let yourself down like that. Now, tell me what exactly happened. I'll go and get Black for you."

"NO!" Severus looked like he was about to faint any moment.

Lucius shook his head. "So what did he do? Poison you?"

Severus grabbed the wall for support and sneered. "I went down to Hogsmeade for breakfast since the holidays started. You don't think I'm foolish enough to eat or drink anything inside Hogwarts."

"Every day? For two weeks? Isn't that a bit hard on your budget?"

"Actually," Severus straightened up, "it's hard on your budget."

"What?" Lucius brought his face close to Severus'. "Don't tell me the charge goes on my account. That would be," he paused and then grinned approvingly, "exactly the thing I would have done. At least you haven't lost your brains completely."

He turned away and scanned the room - which seemed totally normal. Apart from a huge pile of what looked like garbage. "What's that?"

Severus dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry. I had to do it."

"You had to do what?" Lucius got closer to the pile, dreading the answer. He reached for a little piece of wood and pulled it out. It had red letters on it: 'Nimb'. He closed his eyes and counted silently to ten. His family was always sending him his presents to Hogwarts, so he wouldn't have to carry them. He got a lot of presents each year.

"I am clearly mistaken," he asked in a voice which indicated that he most definitely wasn't, "in the assumption that this was my new Nimbus XXV. And what's that?" He brought something up that looked painfully like the remains of an ... no! No way Severus would ... That couldn't be! "INVISIBILITY CLOAK!?" He stared at Severus, lost for words, just holding up the mutilated body of his new, and now dead, invisibilty cloak.

"That isn't what you think it is. It's a trap. I had to destroy it. Oh, come on! How stupid is it to send you a cloak? That's so obviously a bait. As if you would fall for it."

Lucius collapsed on his bed.

"NO! Not on -," Severus shouted, but it was too late. The bed made a nasty slurping sound and folded up neatly.

"Arrrgggghhhhh ..." Lucius screamed from inside the bed. It sounded beyond hysterical. "We - are - going - to - see - Madam - Pomfrey. You - are - crazy! Get me oooouuuuuuuuut!"

Severus beamed again. "Wait till you see the chairs!"

***

"We're almost there."

Lucius held his bleeding nose and glared. Broken by a bloody cushion! "I hope she gives you shock therapy."

They turned around the next corner and Lucius ran into James. Both boys fell over each other in a rather compromising way. Their faces went pink, but before they could disentangle themselves they froze in their positions. The others were pointing their wands at each other right over James' and Lucius' heads.

"That's not exactly reassuring," James whispered.

"You're right, for once, Potter. But could you let go of -"

"Oh, sorry."

"Thanks."

"SBLAPE!"

"Er?" Lucius muttered from the ground. His arms were stuck on his back from James' attempt to cover his own face with his hands.

"I think they just ... cursed each other with ... their names. I'm going to get a headache."

"Tell me about it! Do you know what the square route of 327 is?"

"What?"

"See!" he cried out to Severus. "I told you!"

Severus got distracted by this for a split second and that was all Sirius needed.

"RHHHHAAAAAAAAAA...

"No!"

"Don't ... do that."

... AAAAAAAAAAAA ...

"I have him!"

"Let go!"

"Oh God."

"I'll kill you for this!"

... AAAAAAAAAA ...

"No way!"

"Remove that thing from my face."

"Make me!"

"Look out!"

"Leave him alone!"

"Is that ..."

"Try that again!"

"What are you ... HEY! That's not -"

"Shut up!"

... aaaaaa ...

"SHUT UP!"

... arrr."

The rest was - not exactly silence.

***

Two weeks later

"Here. I saved you some sandwiches from breakfast."

"Hey, they don't starve us. It's just detention." Sirius nudged him in the ribs, and then went back to scribbling something very fast on a very large piece of parchment.

James watched him. Now, what was this all about? At least his friend seemed a lot healthier, after a week at Madam Pomfrey's. James had never heard that someone could poison himself with Up-All-Night Potion, but then again - he'd never heard of anything comparable to what he called The Christmas Disaster, either. "So what did they make you do?"

"Hm?"

"The detention. What did you have to do?"

"We had to help Hagrid with his new spronge-shoots."

"What's that?"

"You don't want to know." Sirius looked up and smirked. "Snape got one in his eye right after we set them loose. But I think he faked it."

James rolled his eyes. "Sure." He qickly glanced over to the Slytherin table. Snape was glaring at him with, well, one eye. The other was hidden behind a pink healing-eyepatch. "I think I'm off now. Quidditch starts in five minutes, and your break is almost over anyway."

"Hm." Sirius' nose was now making contact with the parchment.

"What are you doing there?"

"Shush. Just ... a ... second. I've almost got it." His quill hovered expectantly over the note before he brought it down in one final, dashing movement. "Yesss!" He shot up from his seat and darted over to Snape, who didn't seem surprised at all. Sirius shoved the parchment into his face.

"18,08315!" he shouted victoriously. "Five digits you said, right? Now who's the one with the brains, Professor Snape?"

Snape narrowed his eye in a most disturbing way, and then - to James' utter disbelief - took his own quill and started going through Sirius' notes.

"Yeah, take your time," Sirius said jovially, but looked slightly nervous nonetherless.

After a few moments Snape stood up. "It's 18,08314. You've made a mistake with this - by the way totally unecessary - remultiplication. I've underlined it. The score's two to one if I'm not mistaken."

"Just. You. Wait." Sirius growled, pulling out another parchment. "Ready, greaseball?"

"Whenever you're finished with the act, punk."

"Tell me the names of at least 50 national league Chasers who scored more than 25 goals in a row while playing against the SU, the US or - Taiwan. And their broomsticks."

Snape went slightly pale but managed to recover in an instant. "Till next break, then?"

"Exactly."

"Fine."

They grabbed their stuff with way to much energy and turned to go. Sirius mumbled something that sounded like bloody square roots won't save you from falling out of a bloody window, while Snape made a snarling, but otherwise unintelligible, comment about sublimation, phallic symbols, and idiots. Then they were out of the hall.

James gaped. He would have stood there all afternoon and forgotten all about the actual Quidditch game, if Remus hadn't peeked through the door.

"Hey, lonesome! You're coming?"

"Guess what!" James snapped back to reality. "Sirius and Snape are having an ... intellectual battle."

"Wow! Perhaps we should keep an eye on them."

"Er?"

"In case they're getting smarter in the process."

"And that's a bad thing why?"

"Think again. Think about next - Christmas."

James twitched. "Not good."

"Not at all."