The Pink Wonder

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"Hagrid, I am sorry to say that you are expelled. Please hand over your wand." Sniffing, the huge lump shoved me into the outstretched hand of the black-hooded assassin. And without ANY ceremony or funeral dirges, I was snapped in half! I wanted to die of embarrassment -- in the audience were over 500 wands, just laughing at me! Now, I ask you, is it MY fault that Hagrid is a half-giant with half of a brain?

Back in grade school, most wands are taught to believe that the worst thing that could POSSIBLY happen to them is being broken. Oh, how wrong THAT wives' tale is...

As they handed Hagrid back my tattered remains, I heard him whisper to himself, "Wonder if I kin' make sumthing outer this..." The next thing I knew, I was being sewn into dragonhide. Oh, wait. I think I'm forgetting a TINY, INSIGNIFICANT detail. The dragonhide was pink. Yes, pink dragonhide. Pink dragonhide that was dyed with the one and only, specific type of dye that I am allergic to. Hell, if there was any chance of me EVER getting a girl-wand again, it was dashed to pieces in a shower of bubble-gum colored liquid.

At first, I was so covered in hives that I didn't realize WHAT I'd been sewn into. Ah, that pleasant fact was soon to be revealed to me, as rain droplets began to fall just two days later. As Mr. Ollivander can EASILY tell you (and frankly, it's also written on the tiny disclaimer stapled to what used to be my behind), wands aren't MEANT to get wet. Much like Hagrid's hair with mousse galore, wands start to develop a, er, different look. The same different color that envelops those nasty TV dinners your mother tells you to eat...

My "place of honor" in Hagrid's bunk was right next to his bucket of "Marvin's Magic Mousse!" that had sat in the corner since Richard Nixon was in office. Whenever Hagrid made a move to the corner I knew he was going to "escor' a lady" and I'd be subjected to him slathering on pounds of "Magic" (Of course, it was merely an accident if some of it happened to fall on me...) and holding me over his object of affection. Did I mention Hagrid had a bit of a fondness for wet weather?

But today, after years of torture, I've heard talk of Hagrid being acquitted. Surely then, he will take me out from this HORRID pink cage and exhibit me for all the world to see! Surely...

"I've bin' freed!" Ah, Hagrid's loud voice! A party MUST be in store!

"An' look at me new wand!" New...wand? Hagrid, no...what about me? Hagrid, why are you leaving? Hagrid...Hagrid, why are you leaving me ALONE WITH THAT DOG? NO! DOWN, FANG! NOOOOOOO-

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