Inter-House Cooperation

Chapter Two- The Hufflepuffs

"Zacharias," said Hannah self-importantly as she perched on the ottoman where he had spread his Charms homework, "did you know that Blaise Zabini has a crush on you?"

"Who the hell is that?" asked Zacharias. He frowned at Hannah, who was sitting on several pages of notes. The words you have ruined my notes, you vixen! jumped to the front of his brain, only to be squashed by the reasoning that Hannah Abbot could not possibly be called a vixen by anyone who had ever looked at her properly. She was far too plump and cheerful.

"A sixth-year Slytherin. You know- dark, really thin and pale. He's quite cute." A smile spread itself across her freckles, beaming annoyingly up at him.

"He?" said Zacharias, glaring at Hannah, who would not take the hint and get off his Charms notes. "He? And for that matter, Slytherin? Hufflepuffs are not afflicted with the same perversions that have warped the minds of Slytherins, Hannah. You ought to know that by now."

"I know," she agreed. "I'm sure they do all sorts of things we wouldn't dream of. But this isn't anything very strange, Zacharias. It's all right if you're attracted to boys. We would all support you."

"Support me?"

"With being gay. Yes, of course."

"There are no gay Hufflepuffs," he insisted. Then he paused and thought for a moment. "Well, maybe Justin."

"I am not," said Justin from the armchair opposite, not looking up from his textbook.

"Of course not," said Zacharias. "The point was, it would be okay if he was. But it would be an exception."

"Why?" asked Hannah.

"Because he has the right hair for it," said Zacharias stubbornly. Hannah sighed.

"You're having preconceived notions again," she told him. "You know perfectly well Justin is dating Susan. But it would be all right for you too. And Blaise is cute. He has a waif look."

"Hannah," he said. "Slytherin." She shrugged.

"You'll get over that." Dumbstruck, he stared at her with unspeakable horror for a few minutes, before realising that such delicately crafted expressions were a waste on her. She was still beaming up at him happily, convinced that he would eventually be delighted with the news that some unknown Slytherin boy had a crush on him. He turned to Justin.

"Do you think I'm gay?" he demanded. Justin looked at him sheepishly.

"Well, that's not really the point," said Hannah, in contravention of all the logic Zacharias could muster. "The point is, I heard it, and I thought you should know. And now you do. So."

"Oh. Well, thank you. Thank you very much." Zacharias' sarcasm missed her entirely.

"You're welcome," she said. Merlin's beard, she actually seemed pleased with the job she had done.

"Who did you hear it from?"

"I heard Parkinson wailing about it in the hall. Apparently she thinks it's a catastrophe."

"Well, she's right," he said firmly. "It is a catastrophe. It's disastrous. What will people think? They'll think Hufflepuffs are evil, that's what!" Hannah's eyes went wide with horror at the thought. Even Justin looked slightly pale, but spoke up gallantly.

"They can't think that if you don't actually talk to them," he pointed out. "It's not your fault Zabini likes you; everyone knows he always has a crush on someone. He liked me for three weeks," he added, trying not to sound proud that he had lasted this long. Zacharias ignored this last.

"Thank you, Justin," he said. "Zabini is obviously disturbed. Let's talk about something else. Where's Ernie?"

"Off patrolling the halls," said Hannah. "I think Susan's with him." At this, all three Hufflepuffs snapped into alertness. Whenever Ernie patrolled the halls, he ended up with a list of possible weaknesses in the defense of Hogwarts, which meant the Hufflepuffs would spend the next week reinforcing the walls of their common room with Dark-Repelling Wallpaper or a series of carefully laid Mousetrap Charms. Ernie took his job as protector of the Hufflepuffs very seriously.

"Well, whatever he wants, we're not going to do it," decided Zacharias.

"Easy for you to say," Justin said. "You don't have a girlfriend who thinks we need to do everything possible to support Ernie's plans."

"Hmmph. Why does Susan encourage him?"

"I don't know," he said, shrugging helplessly. "I suppose it's better when he's busy. If he got bored, he might make us do fire drills again." Hannah giggled and was about to add something. However, their musings on Ernie's possible new measures were then interrupted by the arrival of Ernie himself, marching stubbornly in behind a very delighted-looking Susan Bones.

"Hey Justin," she said, kissing her boyfriend on the cheek. "Hey Hannah, hey Zach."

"Zacharias," said Zacharias through clenched teeth. She ignored him.

"We've been on a mission. Ernie, tell them what you found," she demanded eagerly, positioning herself on the sofa arm next to Justin. Apparently, she was entirely unaware that everyone in the common room could now see up her skirt. Canary-yellow knickers, Zacharias noticed with some amusement. Ernie cleared his throat and took an authoritative stance.

"The kitchens!" he announced.

"Well done," said Zacharias. "Did you bring us back any coffee?"

"Don't you see?" said Ernie in horror. "The house-elves throw out the compost through a chute that leads into the lake! It's big enough for a grown man! Anyone could enter the castle that way." A dubious look passed between Zacharias and Hannah.

"Er- by swimming through the lake and crawling up a chute full of rotting banana peels?" Hannah asked. Her nose crinkled at the very suggestion.

"Well, it might not be pleasant," admitted Ernie. "But they could! It could be done! If you'd spent fourteen years disembodied in the forests of Albania, why would a few banana peels bother you? No, Hannah, You-Know-Who will surely attack through the compost chute. It's the most obvious way."

"Obvious?" Justin asked.

"Of course. That is, it would be obvious to anyone with a strategic mind. You have to think about these things, you know."

"Well, bring it up at the DA meeting," said Zacharias impatiently.

"Oh, I will," Ernie assured him. "Yes, I'm sure Harry will agree with me that it is of the utmost importance. But Hermione might protest our forcing the house-elves to remove their compost manually. We may have to block the compost chute ourselves."

"Fine," said Zacharias. "You have fun doing that. I'll stay here and study my Charms." Which Hannah was still sitting on, damn her.

"You know, you've been a lot less cooperative lately," said Ernie. "Are you sure you're loyal to the cause? How can we trust you? You're not secretly in cahoots with that Blaise Zabini chap, are you?"

"No," he said, growing steadily more annoyed. "I've never even met him. Why must you people insist that I have some interest?"

"Well, you might," said Hannah. He glared at her.

"Get off my ottoman," he said. Looking hurt, Hannah complied. Zacharias chocked on a noise of horror as he realised that half of the parchment with his Charms notes was stuck to her bottom. "Hannah," he moaned, "you have ruined my notes, you vixen!"