Diary of a Work in Progress

Diaries of a Work in Progress- Selfish Wish

September 27 1997

8:42 pm

Dear Diary,

I have had an absolutely horrid day and it's times like these when I wish I had a boyfriend. A very selfish wish but it is one that I am not ashamed of - I mean, have you ever wished for something and felt guilty, shameful, etc for wishing it? Of course you haven't - you're a stack of thin paper bound by leather whose sole purpose is for adolescent teenagers, like myself, to fill your pages with petty fears. worries and complaints in their mediocre lives, only to be lost an found again years later, be re-read and laughed at by the adult who had written in you as a adolescent. But this is a ridiculous thing to worry or waste paper about.

But I guess this is the reason people have diaries and this is why I want and possibly need one now. I was sitting in Transfiguration and I was thinking of my selfish wish. At first, the mere fact that I wasn't paying attention in class shocked me more than what I was thinking about. So I decided that I could spare one of my notebooks to write my thought in so it would be "off my chest" and I'd be able to concentrate more in class. But now the more I think about it, I don't have anyone to tell these things to (which might help more than just writing things down - I mean, what if I misplace this?)

I guess it's because I have never really been a girl. I don't wear makeup (except that time at the Yule Ball) or spend hours talking about guys or flipping through magazines aimed at teenage witches that usually don't have any articles contained in them that aren't written about celebrities, upcoming music acts, fashion, or makeup - certainly nothing that would engage or inform the intelligent mind, such as myself. But it's not like I don't ever think about those sorts of things; I think everyone (Ron and Harry mostly) assumes that I have no interest in trivial things like that - I'm just a walking encyclopedia, which I'm not, there is still so much to learn! But not only do my best friends not notice that I am a girl, even though I have tried to point it out hundreds of times, not even the other girls I'm closest to - Ginny and Tonks. So I have to resort to writing in a diary, which Ginny would never approve of, given her history.

But back to the topic at hand: a boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend, I could tell him anything in the world - well most anything, he wouldn't want to know about all my female problems now would he. But he would listen to me and all my thoughts and ludicrous rational rants and I would do the same for him. And I want someone who can have an intellectual conversation with every once in a while, but sometimes, I get tired of being perfect smart Hermione Jane and I would want him to make me laugh more than anything. Sometimes I think I know what I don't want more than I know what I do want. I don't want to be like Lavender - all of her relationships contain of snogging, gifts, revolting nicknames, and too much drama! But then, there are times when I think I want the public snogging and revolting nicknames more than most of the rest of it. I want chocolates for no reason, and a rose when I am having a bad day, or a fabulous pair of earrings after taking the NEWTS - I'd have to train a guy to do that sort of thing of course; guys aren't born naturally romantic. I want my friends to tease me and tell us to get a room when we are being too "lovey-dovey."

But I think the real reason I want a boyfriend is because I want to be kissed. Not just a friendly peck or even a not so friendly peck because I've had a few of those and I can say from experience that those are the worst kind. Believe me, once you start and get a few of those teasing pecks, you begin to anticipate something real, intense, and meaningful; the kind of kiss that makes you shake. But it never happens and you are left disappointed. No, I don't like those. I can truthfully say that I want a heart pounding, earthquake-like, mind shattering, body quivering, soul kiss. That was a horrible sentence and a bad use of wording and I have the urge to go back and try to fix it but that is the only way I can describe it. Well, of course there are other ways, but I am a member of polite society (unlike Ron or Harry, who would say quite a few things that no one needs to hear) and will not list them here even if I am the only one who will read it.

Oh honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this. There is so much more to life than snogging and so much more serious matters to be troubled about and to be pushing energy towards. I am disgusted with myself - how dare I ramble about my fantasy love live when people are dying and there is a madman of a wizard loose on the world! I'm through with this - I'm going to go burn it now in fact!

8: 59 pm

Dear Diary

The common room is full of people. Lavender has attacked the lips some poor 5^th year boy and Parvati is giving bedroom eyes to a very stunned Colin Creevy...yes, Colin Creevy. A crowd of boys, including Harry and Ron, are trading Wizard cards (they're just as bad as my little cousins in America who trade those Pokemon card things...I guess it's a hidden trait guys must have). I can't burn it right now but I will the moment I get up tomorrow morning!

9:33

Dear Diary

Instead of complaining for two and half pages about not having a boyfriend, I'm going to do something about it. I'm Hermione Granger, the smartest witch in all of Hogwarts! I can snag a guy in between studies and helping Harry save the world!

Well, I went to the showers, excited and forming a plan in my head and then, after doing a bit of thinking, and reading back over this, I don't think it's such a good idea - look how arrogant I sounded like I was the greatest thing on earth! I'm disgusted with myself for the 2^nd time in one night! I do believe this is a record.

9:50

Dear Diary

I have had time to think and I think that I'm going to go ahead with my plan but at little bits at a time. Lavender and Parvati are back from the common room and I think I might ask them to help me...I mean, they are the queens of Hogwarts; they surely can help me.

10:42

Dear Diary

I told Lavender and Parvati that I wanted a make over - not something that I would ever admit to anyone besides you, diary, even though you are only a stack of paper. Well, they giggled exchanged looks and made me feel extremely stupid, which is a new feeling for me let me tell you. I was getting very angry and was just about to tell them to forget about it and go to bed when they said: "We need reinforcements."And so, Lavender ran out of the room and Parvati sat me down in a chair and began to pull out all of her makeup along with few magazines. Soon after, Lavender burst into the room with Ginny, thankfully someone I could trust! But she wasn't Ginny.

She was giggling, just like Lavender, and when they discussed my hair and makeup, she talked as if she studied these subjects about as much as I studied for school! Which, now that I look back at the past few years, it isn't so surprising as Ginny has always been pretty but didn't start to wear makeup, dress a little nicer, or worry about the way she looked at all until she started getting interested in other boys beside Harry. After that, they began noticing her too. I don't know why I didn't really notice any of this sooner because I'm usually extremely observant.

Anyway, all three of them began talking excitedly about many "essential" beauty basics. They taught me firstly how to care for my skin (and I thought all you had to do was wash your face with a bar of soap every morning!) and Parvati gave me a half empty bottle of perfume that she doesn't wear anymore. I got a piece of paper and began to take notes, which put them all into fits of hysteria and infuriated me quite a bit but they saw how angry I was becoming and stopped. Apparently, Ginny has wanted to "girlify" me for a few months now while Lavender and Parvati both said that they had wanted to for years. At that moment in time, I felt ugly and my self esteem dropped significantly but I didn't let it show, of course.

We went on to makeup which was definitely a learning experience. Parvati began to expertly apply foundation, blush, lip balm, lip stick, lip gloss, mascara, two different eyeliners and three different eye shadows on my face. It felt heavy and I wanted to turn to the mirror behind and see what I looked like so I could analyze and memorize where everything went because I have the technique from feeling it being done. Plus, I very much wanted to see if I looked any better. But Ginny giggled and told me I could only see the finished product, not the work in progress. I think about what she said now and I realize how much that makes sense. If you think about it, putting on makeup is like art in a way - you have to calculate what colors will bring out your skin tone and the slightest error in judgment will make you look tired or frumpy. Lines and structure also has a lot to play in it to; some people look good with lots of black mascara or black eyeliner while many others end up looking like little black rodents. But you always get a beautiful final product, in someone's eyes. They showed me many pictures from magazines of good and bad examples of what works and what doesn't and when it works and when it should be avoided. Ginny even pulled out pictures of girls that attend Hogwarts now! That shocked me a bit, I didn't think Ginny would be so rude and inconsiderate of the other girls' feelings, although I do have to admit, a few of them looked pretty bad.

The way I dressed came under attack next. I tried to argue about the uniforms but they shrugged it off. Lavender and Parvati demonstrated how to properly wear the uniforms. Lavender's top was tight, too short to be tucked in, and had a few buttons undone, showing massive amounts of cleavage. The tie was worn loosely around her neck but still under the collar and she had a few decorative pins on the tie. Parvati, however, was a bit more wild - her shirt was held together solely by decorative pins on the side, turning the white button down into a wrap shirt. Both girls had pulled their skirts and then rolled the waistband down to show tan midriffs and fake diamond studs in their navels. Parvati had her socks pulled up the way Hogwarts standards wanted, but Lavender pulled her socks down so they wouldn't peek out over her shin high boots.

Finally, they moved on to the part that I dreaded the most - my hair. After much discussion and argument, they decided to straighten my hair. I didn't realize how long it was! It hits a bit shorter than the small of my back but even though it was sleek. It was still pretty thick and I began to sweat a little under the weight so we cut it. As I watched my hair fall to the ground, 17 years worth of hair, I expected to be sad and cry or something, but I didn't. I wasn't excited though...it's just hair...I started to wonder if when I was allowed to turn around and look into the mirror that I would see the "new me" and not feel anything. I thought that it might not change anything and their hard work and my willingness to take a chance and step out of what I am so used to doing, would be in jeopardy. The more I thought about it the more I saw it would be true. A few minutes later, Lavender squealed happily and said I could turn around. I wanted to say that my stomach was twisting in knots with anticipation, but it didn't. I wanted to say that I was so nervous and excited that I couldn't turn around and I started to tear up, but I didn't. When I turned around and saw myself in the mirror, I felt nothing and didn't feel all that spectacular. Thank God that only lasted for about 0.003 seconds.